Hi everyone. I've decided to post the first pages of my first draft of a sitcom I've been writing. As you may have seen in another post, the film Inside Out has peed on my chips somewhat but as you will see, the tone is very different. I know it needs work but would love some feedback and potentially some collaboration (if you think it's worth working on).
FADE IN:
OPEN YOUR MIND
INT.- ED'S TOILET
ED IS SITTING UNCONSCIOUS ON A FILTHY TOILET IN A POSE REMINISCENT OF 'THE THINKER'. ONE OF ED'S EYES OPEN. HE SCANS THE ROOM AND BEGINS TO SLOWLY SIT UP AS THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE PREVIOUS NIGHT BEGIN TO DAWN ON HIM. THE WORDS 'PROBE MY LESBIAN ARSE DOCTOR HILARY SEX MUNCH' ARE DETERMINEDLY SCRAWLED ON THE WALL.
ED SLOWLY WAKENS AND ATTEMPTS TO EXAMINE THE HAND THAT HAS BEEN PROPPING UP HIS HEAD. HE GIVES HIS HAND A SHAKE. HE STUMBLES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY A WIDE SHOT OF HIM INTO HIS LIVING ROOM. HE SLUMPS ONTO THE SOFA AND SLAPS HIS HEAD IN AN ATTEMPT TO REVIVE HIMSELF.
INT. - INSIDE ED'S MIND
ED'S MIND IS AN IDENTICAL COPY OF HIS LIVING ROOM BUT IN PRIMARY COLOURS. THE ONLY OTHER SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE IS A LIGHT IS POSITIONED ABOVE THE TV SET. LIBIDO IS SITTING LAZILY TRYING TO GET HIS HAND DOWN HIS SKIN TIGHT JEANS. HE IS WATCHING ED'S VIEW OF HIS OWN ROOM ON THE TELEVISION SET. LIBIDO IS WEARING A BRIGHT RED TSHIRT WITH A CHILD LIKE DRAWING OF A PENIS EJACULATING WITH THREE BLOBS. HE LOOKS LIKE A PRIMARK RUSSELL BRAND. THERE IS A CONTENTED GRIN ON HIS FACE. IN THE BACKGROUND, THE ALMOST FERAL FORM OF CONSCIENCE ROCKS BACK AND FORTH.
MEMORY ENTERS AND SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO LIBIDO. HE LOOKS SEVERELY HUNGOVER.
LIBIDO STARTS TO RUMMAGE IN HIS PANTS MORE VIGOUROUSLY.
MEMORY COUGHS. LIBIDO SLOWS HIS RUMMAGING THEN DISAPPOINTEDLY REMOVES HIS HAND FROM HIS PANTS.
LIBIDO
Alreet memory gland?
MEMORY
You're up early.
LIBIDO
How do you think Ed keeps waking up with morning glory?
MEMORY
What has Mr Thought got against me? What the cocking hell happened last night?
LIBIDO
Yer always the first to go, you lightweight. Not too sure myself what happened though...Last thing I remember, I was trying to persuade the Mr Ed to knock one out.
LIBIDO
Drinking always make me horny.
LIBIDO STARTS TO IDLY RUMMAGE IN HIS PANTS AGAIN.
And hangovers.
MEMORY
Everything makes you bloody horny. You are Libido. Where the hell were we?
LIBIDO
Beats me. Pub car park I think.
MEMORY
And you were trying to persuade Mr Thought to get Ed to have a wank?
LIBIDO GRINS
LIBIDO
Think he would have seen sense and all if he hadn't been. You know... (LOOKS DOWN AT PENIS) Can't remember the rest of the night though.
LOGIC ENTERS WEARING A PURPLE TSHIRT WITH AN IMAGE OF EPICURUS ON IT.
LOGIC
What in Dawkins' name is going on?
LOGIC SLAPS MEMORY AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
MEMORY
Ouch! You walking cliche. What was that for?
LOGIC
You're the memory. Buffoon. You work it out.
MEMORY
Oh shite! Mr Ed's new job!
MEMORY SCRAMBLES FOR CONTROL OF A KEYBOARD PLACED IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION AND STARTS POUNDING KEYS FRANTICALLY.
MEMORY (CONTINUED)
Mr Thought, Mr Thought, Sir! We need to get Ed up and out!
EXT. - A BUS STOP
ED ATTEMPTS TO UNTANGLE HIS HEADPHONES. AFTER SEVERAL FUTILE ATTEMPTS, HE PLUGS THEM INTO HIS MP3 PLAYER WITH THE TANGLES LEAVING THE WIRE TOO SHORT. HE BENDS OVER TO COMPENSATE. A SMALL GIRL, SMARTLY DRESSED IN HER SCHOOL UNIFORM, STARES AT HIM IN DISGUST. HE MAKES A HUNGOVER ATTEMPT AT MASHING THE SMALL BUTTONS AND LOOKS STARTLED WHEN THE CHORUS OF 'YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND' BY PET SHOP BOYS STARTS BLARING.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
MEMORY, LIBIDO AND LOGIC ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. MEMORY IS STARING WISTFULLY INTO SPACE. LIBIDO AND LOGIC ARE STARTING AT THE TELEVISION WHICH IS SHOWING IMAGES OF CARS FLYING PAST THE SCREEN. SHOPS ARE IN THE BACKGROUND AND A PURPLE VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE IS PARKED AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN FRONT OF THE SHOPS.
MEMORY
Aww. This was on that 80s compilation that Liz did for Ed. Remember that?
LIBIDO
How could I forget. It's bloody awful.
MEMORY
You liked it until you realized that Neil Tennant was gay. Homophobe.
LOGIC
I'd say he's in denial.
MEMORY
Oh yeah. Remember when he gave Ed a stiffy over that footballer.
LIBIDO
That was not a man. That was Cantona! Besides. I've not got a problem with gay people.
LOGIC
In my humble opinion, Mr Thought agrees with you on far too many things.
C.U. ON THE TELEVISION. A REDHEAD COMES OUT OF ONE OF THE SHOPS AND GETS INTO THE BEETLE. MEMORY IS IMMEDIATELY SNAPPED OUT OF HIS DAZE.
LIBIDO
It's her! It's Kim!
MEMORY
You just think of that because of the song.
LOGIC
Just because she's ginger. They don't all look the same you know.
LIBIDO
Don't go accusing me of being a gingerist. I f**king love them. Gingers are one of life's greatest guilty pleasures.
MEMORY
To be fair, she does look a bit like Kim from behind.
LIBIDO
Mmmm. Kim from behind.
LOGIC
Sorry to prevent yet another overtly sexualized metaphorical groin thrust but it was your fault Mr Ed lost her in the first place.
LIBIDO
Not that again. One or two moments of overexcitement and I'm Adolf bloody Hitler. I am Libido you know?
MEMORY
She was the best thing that ever happened to Mr Ed.
LIBIDO
And who got you all high and mighty, Mammary. Save all those crap attempts at guilt for Conscience.
MEMORY
Who?
LIBIDO POINTS TO THE, STILL GIBBERING, RUIN OF CONSCIENCE. THERE IS HOWEVER, THE SLIGHTEST SIGN OF SANITY.
MEMORY
Oh him!
EXT.- IN THE CAR PARK OF ED'S NEW WORK PLACE
ED LOOKS EVEN MORE DESHEVELLED THAN IN THE CAR. HE WALKS HURRIEDLY THROUGH THE WORKS CAR PARK. A LARGE ANONYMOUS BUILDING LOOMS OVER HIM. HE LOOKS TO HIS LEFT AND SLOWS DOWN HIS PACE TO SEE THE REDHEAD'S CAR IN THE SUPERVISOR'S SPOT. HE GRINS.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
LIBIDO DOES A GOAL STYLE CELEBRATION
LIBIDO
Come on! Time to binge on ginger minge!
LIBIDO LAUGHS MANIACALLY
EXT.- THE ANONYMOUS ENTRANCE TO ED'S NEW WORKPLACE
ED STRUTS UP TO THE ENTRANCE OF HIS ANONYMOUS WORKPLACE WITH RIDICULOUS OVERCONFIDENCE CONSIDERING HIS DESHEVELLED APPEARANCE. HIS FRIEND NATE IS SIMILARLY DESHEVELLED AND IS STOOD OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE WITH A MOP AND A HAND ROLLED CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH.
NATE
Alright man? What you doing here?
ED
It's the first day. You got me the job!
NATE
Oh... Aye... You got a good job eh?
ED
I was hoping you'd tell me what I was supposed to be doing here MacSidekick.
NATE
That's err, what d'ya call it ... sexism.
ED
It's racism Master Nate. And besides, it's only racism if it's based on a stereotype. What's your surname?
NATE
(Grandly) Sir Nate!
ED
Jesus. It's a good job you're my amigo. What's your full name?
NATE
Oh, aye, it's Nathrach MacCargeloch.
ED
And does your last name start with Mac?
NATE
Oh aye! It does! So it's no racist then?
ED SHAKES HIS HEAD.
ED
Eh. Do you know who the supervisor is? She looks like an ex of mine. Kim. She was well fit but it didn't end well.
KIM COMES STORMING OUT OF THE OFFICE. SHE IS ATTEMPTING TO POWER DRESS BUT HER INDIE ROOTS ARE BADLY DISGUISED. SHE IS WEARING A LANYARD SAYING 'KIMBERLEY - SUPERVISOR'. NATE AND ED CONTINUE OBLIVIOUSLY.
ED
I kind of regret it now but my parting line was calling her a..
KIM
'Fat manky buttwasp.' I believe the term was.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
AN ALARM IS GOING OFF. MEMORY IS FRANTICALLY PUSHING BUTTONS.
MEMORY
F**k. It's Kim... Mr Thought's in meltdown. Mr Thought! Mr Thought!
LIBIDO
Shit the bed! She's turned into a power minge!
EXT.- THE ANONYMOUS ENTRANCE TO ED'S NEW WORKPLACE
ED
Kim... Power minge
INT. INSIDE ED'S MIND
MEMORY IS SLOWLY BECOMING OBLIVIOUS TO THE CHAOS AROUND HIM AND BECOMES MESMERISED BY THE IMAGE OF KIM ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN. HE PUNCHES, THEN ADDRESSES LIBIDO.
MEMORY
God. She's still gorgeous. Those lovely memories...
LOGIC
We are not going through this again you imbecile.
THE IMAGE OF KIM SLOWLY CRACKLES AND DISAPPEARS. IT IS REPLACED BY MR THOUGHT. HE IS DISTINGUISHED FROM THE OTHERS AS HE IS WEARING A CRUMPLED SHIRT AND TIE SIMILAR TO THE ONE ED IS WEARING. HE ALSO HAS A LANYARD WITH 'MR THOUGHT' EMBLAZONED ON IT.
MR THOUGHT
Right then you f**k-nutted series of impulses. What the hell is going on? I've got randomness readings going through the roof; Humiliation and Confusion are going batshit and I'm still not quite myself after last night!... Someone turn that alarm off... What do we say? What do we SAY?
MEMORY IS STILL CLEARLY WISTFUL AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MR THOUGHT. MR THOUGHT REGISTERS THIS.
MR THOUGHT
Memory... MEMORY! We've got a code red shitstorm and you're staring into space! Have you got any 'out of the box' thinking that's going to get us out of this torrential turd downpour? Have any of you??
LIBIDO AND LOGIC ARE SITTING PERPLEXED ON THE SOFA. MEMORY IS ALSO SAT LOOKING LIKE A SMALL CHILD STRUGGLING FOR AN ANSWER IN LESSONS. CONSCIENCE IS SAT ON THE FLOOR ROCKING BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, GETTING CLEARLY AGITATED AND TRYING TO ARTICULATE SOMETHING.
CONSCIENCE
Meh... MEH!!!!!!!!
THE ALARM IS FINALLY TURNED OFF. MR THOUGHT LOOKS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN DESPERATE AND DISGUSTED.
MR THOUGHT
Anything??
MEMORY
We could errr... maybe say errr... "Sorry"?
CONSCIENCE GRINS AT MEMORY AND IMMEDIATELY LOOKS MORE APPEASED.
MR THOUGHT
Well, it's going to have to cocking well do for now isn't it? Any more sparks of wisdom? No?
MR THOUGHT PRESSES A BUTTON TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE SCREEN.
EXT.- THE ANONYMOUS ENTRANCE TO ED'S NEW WORKPLACE
ED
Err... Sorry...
KIM LOOKS SLIGHTLY DISARMED ABOUT ED'S APOLOGY BUT COMPOSES HERSELF QUICKLY. ED IS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SCRUNCHING HIS FACE IN DISBELIEF.
KIM
Oh Ed. Stop your premature cum face.
NATE BARELY STIFLES A LAUGH AND SMALL BURSTS OF SMOKE FIRE FROM HIS MOUTH
Believe me Easy Squirt, I'm not entirely chuffed with the prospect of working with someone who thinks I'm some kind of anally obsessed insect.
NATE CANNOT STIFLE HIS LAUGH ANY LONGER AND SMOKE BURSTS FROM HIS FACE. ED IS VISIBLY SQUIRMING IN DISCOMFORT.
I could get quite used to bossing you around though.
ED SHAKES HIS HEAD LIKE A NAUGHTY SCHOOLBOY. KIM LOOKS AT HER WATCH.
KIM
Bollocks. Look. We need to get in.
KIM PATRONIZINGLY SHEPHERDS ED AND NATE THROUGH THE AUTOMATIC DOORS. SHE PAUSES SLIGHTLY.
What is a Power Minge anyway?
INT.- A TRAINING ROOM
AL STANDS IN FRONT OF THE WHITEBOARD. HE IS BALD AND SHORT. HE WEARS A PRISTINE WHITE SHIRT WITH A ROW OF PENS PRESENTED AS MEDALS ALONG HIS TOP POCKET.
KIM WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. SHE THEN PULLS ED IN.
AL
Ah. Good evening .
Here at Concept Link, we believe that knowledge is power.
AL'S VOICE SLOWLY TRANSFORMS INTO A SERIES OF LOW PITCHED DRONES LIKE THE TEACHER'S VOICE IN CHARLIE BROWN.
INT. INSIDE ED'S MIND
LIBIDO, LOGIC AND MEMORY ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA LOOKING BAFFLED AT THE IMAGE OF AL. CONSCIENCE LIES ON THE FLOOR AT MEMORY'S FEET. THE DRONE CONTINUES.
MR THOUGHT
Right then... Hold on...
MR THOUGHT PRESSES A FEW BUTTONS AND THE DRONING FADES OUT.
I don't know who the he thinks he is. 'Quest ?' 'The key to knowledge??' Shit. We've landed a job with Dildo Baggins.
LOGIC
He seems fun.
MR THOUGHT
Oh yeah. That kind of sleep inducing fun.
LOGIC
Look. Don't we need to find out what this job entails? We can't all like our bosses. Ed needs money. You know? For survival and things.
MEMORY
Hold on.
MR THOUGHT
I can't believe I've actually got to listen to you lot. Right. Here's the plan: We're keeping Ed's head down 'til the end of the day. He's going to listen and find out what the f**k this job is.
CUT TO A SHOT OF ED LISTENING ATTENTIVELY
We're then going out after work to get Princess Kim back on side. We can ask her out at dinner.
CUT TO A SHOT OF KIM LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT ED AND KNUZZLING HIM AFFECTIONATELY
Then Ed celebrates the day by getting shitted and getting taken by Little Red Riding Cock. Clear?
CUT TO A SHOT OF KIM, NAKED, RIDING ON ED
INT. INSIDE ED'S MIND
LIBIDO, LOGIC AND MEMORY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND RELUCTANTLY START TO NOD IN AGREEMENT.
LOGIC, MEMORY AND LIBIDO
CLEAR!
MR THOUGHT
Right. I'm going to leave you to concentrate on Al's mad rantings.
INT.- A TRAINING ROOM
AL
So basically then, that's what you're going to be doing.
ED SLAPS HIS HEAD. AL POINTS AT ED.
AL
And don't forget golden boy. Ms Karnak has requested an audience with you after dinner. Make sure you don't keep her waiting.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
AN ALARM IS GOING OFF. LOGIC, LIBIDO AND MEMORY LOOK DEJECTEDLY AT EACH OTHER AND COLLECTIVELY SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
INT. STAFF CANTEEN
KIM IS SITTING ON HER OWN. SHE SEES ED AND GESTURES FRANTICALLY TO CALL ED OVER.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
LOGIC, MEMORY AND LIBIDO
Yes!
INT. STAFF CANTEEN
KIM
What the hell does Ms. Karnak want to see you for? I'm, I'm a supervisor and she's never wanted to see me. What the hell have you got to offer? ... Could it be your ability to be massively inappropriate?
ED
Inappropriate?
KIM
Well. Let's think. There was: 'accidentally' feeling up my dad; punching a koala; choking a bandicoot or, my particular favourite, the time you were caught with Little Ed out in a garden centre.
Come to think of it, she could be intrigued about your amazing ability to tustle with marsupials.
ED LOOKS SHEEPISH.
KIM
So why does Ms. Karnak want to see you then?
ED
Err..
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
LOGIC
Hold on a minute. We could get Kim to the pub tonight if we play this right. Let's say that we have no idea why she wants to see us but we'll tell her what was said after work.
MEMORY
We don't actually know why the boss wants to see us.
LOGIC
The truth! That's even better!
INT. STAFF CANTEEN
KIM
Well?
ED
I really don't know!
KIM
You do know. Don't you? Why won't you tell me? What're you hiding?
ED
I'm not hiding anything. Look. Come to The Jube tonight and I'll let you know what she said.
NATE COMES IN AND SITS BETWEEN KIM AND ED.
NATE
How's it going man? Fancy celebratin' yer first day with a few scoops later?
KIM
Oh brilliant. The prospect of an evening with my ex and whatever you're meant to be. I think I'll be giving your generous offer a miss Easy Squirt.
ED PUNCHES NATE.
ED
Well, if you don't want to find out what thingamabob wants me for.
KIM
She's called Ms Karnak and she's one of the most ambitious, driven women I've heard of. She's legendary.
NATE
Ahh. The Karnevore. She can eat you alive man.
ED
That nickname doesn't make her sound very scary. Doesn't that just mean she eats meat?
NATE
It's the meat she eats man... Man meat.
ED
Man meat?
NATE
Aye. My mate tol' me she's got she's got a dress made of men's bollocks. She keeps it as a souvenir of all the todgers she's chomped.
ED
That's not what a ball gown is.
KIM
I've had enough of this misogynistic bullshit. Take an admirable woman, who actually does something with her life, and you two think she has to be some kind of cannibal cock eater.
NATE
It's true. I'm tellin' ya. Brad in Human Resources reckons he's seen it.
ED
That's bollocks.
NATE
It is indeed man. It is indeed. Look. I'll see you later anyways.
NATE LEAVES.
KIM
My god. Your little sidekick almost makes you sound bright. Right. I'm going too.
KIM PICKS UP HER TRAY.
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
MEMORY
What? Why's the alarm not going off? She's going! That's not part of the plan! Remember! Stop her!
MEMORY PICKS UP THE PACKET OF SMOKING PAPERS AND STARTS MOVINGTHEM TOGETHER TO RESEMBLE ED AND KIM HAVING SEX. HE PARODIES THE SEX NOISES MADE BY LIBIDO.
MR. THOUGHT
I may regret this but I'll patch you all straight into Ed Office.
MEMORY
Me? I've not been trusted to talk to Ed Office since the wallaby incident.
MEMORY GETS FLUSTERED.
MR. THOUGHT
MR THOUGHT TYPES FRANTICALLY. THE TV SCREEN CRACKLES AND THE ALARM LIGHT TURNS RED.
LOGIC
Go on then.
MEMORY
Oh f**k... Here goes... (Breathes deeply) Kim... I like you...
INT. STAFF CANTEEN
ED
Kim! ... I like you ...
KIM TURNS AROUND TO FACE ED. ED PAUSES FOR A CONSIDERABLE TIME.
I don't really think you're a buttwasp.
SILENCE AGAIN. ONLY INTERRUPTED BY A FAINT BUZZING SOUND
KIM
Anything else?
INT.- INSIDE ED'S MIND
LOGIC
Bloody hell. Let me take over.
INT. STAFF CANTEEN
ED
I'll buy you some drinks and tell you about thingy.
KIM
Tempting though that is, I don't drink on a work night.
ED
You have turned into a powerminge!