Confused Doctor - Sketch Script

Doctor's office, doctor sitting alone after just dealing with a patient

Doctor: (through a microphone) "Send my next patient in please"

(Few seconds later an ageing man enters the office, holding onto his lower back)

Doctor: "Hello, take a seat and help yourself" (gestures to a bowl of dog biscuits on his desk)

Patient: "umm no thanks" (replies, extremely confused as he realises they are dog biscuits)

Doctor: "Very well. So whats the issue?"

Patient: "My lower back has been killing me for about a week"

Doctor: "Dont worry about it, shouldn't be anything serious, this type of thing is very common."

Patient: "Good, I was quite concerned about it"

Doctor: "There seems to have been a huge increase in patients born without tails these days. I assume the pain is where your tail should be?"

Patient: "My tail?"

Doctor: "Yeah, just the middle of your lower back"

Patient: "well...I guessthat's where the pain is but I don't know anything about a tail"

Doctor: "Its nothing to worry about, tails seem to have gone out of fashion anyway. So, would you mind laying down on that table over there?" (Points to a clear table)

(Patient stands up and lays front-first on the table)

Doctor: (lifts up patient's hand, examining it) "well your paws seem ok, so we can rule out a number of more common issues"

Patient: "my pa-?" (Asks turning around)

Doctor: "now, sit still!" (Quickly sprays water in his face)

Patient: "What are you doing? Are you a real doctor?"

Doctor: "Of course I am. I was just trained as a vet. Vet jobs are hard to come by these days"

Patient: "So you thought you'd be qualified to be a doctor...for humans?"

Doctor: "Do you want me to spray you with water again?"

Patient: "no!"

Doctor: "Sit still then." (Patient turns back round reluctantly) "good boy" (pats his head and throws a biscuit in the air, patient watches as it falls to the ground) "i can see your pain is affecting your mood then"

Doctor: (Begins feeling around the patient's back, concentration in his face)"Right, I think I know what your problem is. Just wait a moment while I consult a colleague"

(Doctor leaves room)

(5 mins later, doctor returns holding a syringe)

Doctor: "Is your owner here with you? I need to have a word with them"

Patient: "I don't have an owner! What do you want to say?" (Says in rage)

Doctor: "im afraid its bad news. We're going to have to put you down"

Quote: BenC @ 4th May 2015, 12:27 PM BST

Doctor's office, doctor sitting alone after just dealing with a patient

Doctor: (through a microphone) "Send my next patient in please"

(Few seconds later an ageing man enters the office, holding onto his lower back)

Doctor: "Hello, take a seat and help yourself" (gestures to a bowl of dog biscuits on his desk)

Patient: "umm no thanks" (replies, extremely confused as he realises they are dog biscuits)

Doctor: "Very well. So whats the issue?"

Patient: "My lower back has been killing me for about a week"

Doctor: "Dont worry about it, shouldn't be anything serious, this type of thing is very common."

Patient: "Good, I was quite concerned about it"

Doctor: "There seems to have been a huge increase in patients born without tails these days. I assume the pain is where your tail should be?"

Patient: "My tail?"

Doctor: "Yeah, just the middle of your lower back"

Patient: "well...I guessthat's where the pain is but I don't know anything about a tail"

Doctor: "Its nothing to worry about, tails seem to have gone out of fashion anyway. So, would you mind laying down on that table over there?" (Points to a clear table)

(Patient stands up and lays front-first on the table)

Doctor: (lifts up patient's hand, examining it) "well your paws seem ok, so we can rule out a number of more common issues"

Patient: "my pa-?" (Asks turning around)

Doctor: "now, sit still!" (Quickly sprays water in his face)

Patient: "What are you doing? Are you a real doctor?"

Doctor: "Of course I am. I was just trained as a vet. Vet jobs are hard to come by these days"

Patient: "So you thought you'd be qualified to be a doctor...for humans?"

Doctor: "Do you want me to spray you with water again?"

Patient: "no!"

Doctor: "Sit still then." (Patient turns back round reluctantly) "good boy" (pats his head and throws a biscuit in the air, patient watches as it falls to the ground) "i can see your pain is affecting your mood then"

Doctor: (Begins feeling around the patient's back, concentration in his face)"Right, I think I know what your problem is. Just wait a moment while I consult a colleague"

(Doctor leaves room)

(5 mins later, doctor returns holding a syringe)

Doctor: "Is your owner here with you? I need to have a word with them"

Patient: "I don't have an owner! What do you want to say?" (Says in rage)

Doctor: "im afraid its bad news. We're going to have to put you down"

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This seems a very decent effort. Really.

You definitely had me smiling with the line:
"Do you want me to spray you with water again?"

I would say, as sketches go, this one is definitely roadworthy.
I'm not sure the final pay off is hilarious, but it is definitely a worthy closing line for a simple pun.

Good stuff.
Keep it up.

Shows promise and might suit a very young audience (it's a bit obvious).

You don't need speech marks at all. You don't need to explain as much e.g. "(replies, extremely confused as he realises they are dog biscuits)". A good actor would figure that out based on context. But that stuff is easy to change.

Hope that helps.