MANAGER: Andrews, what are you doing here in the lobby?
ANDREWS: Just...taking the air.
MANAGER: Taking the air? Behind that man-sized cardboard cut-out of a Malayan tapir?
ANDREWS: Yes, sir. Do you want to join me?
MANAGER: Don't talk rot. I'm going up to the insect house on floor 2.
ANDREWS: Don't do that, sir!!
MANAGER: Why not?
ANDREWS: Because - you might wish to sit down, Sir; pull up a donation box.
MANAGER: What are you talking about?
ANDREWS: Well, you know how this natural history museum has been losing customers, and is in danger of having its funding drastically slashed?
MANAGER: Of course I know that, I'm the manager.
ANDREWS: Fair point. Well, I thought, what would make people come in? And then I thought, giant earwigs.
MANAGER: I wasn't expecting that.
ANDREWS: No. That's because it's a revolutionary new idea. People might find our entomology department boring now, but what if the insects were all of freakishly gigantic proportions? It's the very definition of USP.
MANAGER: Riiiight.
ANDREWS: So, I saw this film the other night, where rogue scientists fed steroid drenched chickens to some alligators, and the alligators turned into super-mega-ultra-giant alligators, and I thought, "Ooh, I could do that at work, but with earwigs". So I did.
MANAGER: Hmmm. And, what happened next in this movie?
ANDREWS: The mega-gators ran amok in the Everglades.
MANAGER: Yes, I rather suspected as much. And did you consider that this amok running might be a problem?
ANDREWS: Well, I figured that the Everglades are a big empty landmass, whereas here in Billericay we have an effective, centralised constabulary, who would probably be OK to control the petrifyingly massive earwigs.
MANAGER: I see.
ANDREWS: But, then I thought, later, on reflection, they definitely wouldn't.
MANAGER: Yes, that seems more likely.
ANDREWS: Yeah. So, I have to admit, I'm sort of stuck for ideas now. I thought I might just hide here, and hope they don't spot me when they come down the stairs.
MANAGER: And they'll be coming down the stairs soon, will they?
ANDREWS: Oh, doubtless. It's been an hour or so, plenty of time to mutate.
[SFX: DOOR OPENS]
MANAGER & ANDREWS: [Screams]
HOLLISTER: Alright, you guys, what you doing behind Timmy the Tapir?
ANDREWS: Hollister! Have you been on level 2?
HOLLISTER: Yep.
MANAGER: And there weren't any gigantic insects?
H: Nah. Someone had tried to feed whole chickens to the earwigs though, which is a bit odd, because earwigs don't eat whole chickens. Oh, and there were also some vials of metabolic steroids laying about, so I tidied them up, because if one of the insects managed to ingest that stuff in any quantity, they would undoubtedly die.
ANDREWS: Oh, yes, I suppose they would.
HOLLISTER: Yeah, pretty elementary entomological knowledge, really.
MANAGER M: Right, fine. Hollister, good work; Andrews, I'll see you in my office after lunch.
ANDREWS: Yes, sir.
[SFX: GIANT TOPPLING OF MASONRY, AND GODZILLA LIKE SHRIEK]
MANAGER: What was that?
HOLLISTER: Oh, yes, I forgot to say - I took some of the squid on level 4 to the nuclear plant for a day out, and I think something went a bit wrong. Run!!
MANAGER: Look, look, Mr Squid - there's one behind the tapir!
ANDREWS: Sir! You bastard!
