Skit Comp 11 - 18.4.15

More hilarity ashin so congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Courthouse, Lee
Special mention: Funy HaHa, me

Your new subject: ADVICE (chosen by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.4.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 41 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Lee
3 - 5 - Courthouse, Tursiops, Darren, Blobster, Dave C, Stylee Ting Ting, me
4 - 1 - Steve Sunshine

FOOKBALL

Outside a FOOTBALL STADIUM.
A FOOTBALLER tries to enter but is blocked by an OFFICIAL with clipboard:

OFFICIAL Like a good f**k, Sir?

FOOTBALLER Well yer pretty cute, but...

OFFICIAL Never mind my pretty cute butt. I'm performing routine sex checks on our greatest footballers, and David Beckham... Fist, I mean first question: How many partners have you had in the last wank, I mean week?

FOOTBALLER (thinks) Three million, seven thousand, eight hundred and sixty nine and a half.

OFFICIAL (writing) 'More than four...' And as I once asked Arthur Scargill, have you f**ked with minors?

FOOTBALLER Sometimes majors too.

OFFICIAL And how old was it?

FOOTBALLER (whispers into ear)

OFFICIAL (writing) 'Less than four...'

FOOTBALLER I also shagged an older, married bird.

OFFICIAL (yawns) Boring... What did it say after?

FOOTBALLER 'Thanks, son.'

OFFICIAL Now that's more like it! A true milf. You should try golf, like good ole Tiger Woods - or as we say, Woody Tiger.

FOOTBALLER Cool. Well I've heard this before, but can I have my results please?

OFFICIAL Yes, you passed on one...

FOOTBALLER I make a pass on all of 'em.

OFFICIAL And I don't want you coming inside.

FOOTBALLER I've heard that too.

OFFICIAL You can't join Priest River Soccer team, just the priests.

When I was 12 my granddad told me, "never listen to anyone else's advice".

Which was excellent advice.

Sadly, I wasn't allowed to listen to it!

ARCHIE: [Annoyingly wacky] Hi, is this Mrs Blenkins' office?

BLENKINS:[Supercilious and businesslike] Yes, this is she.

ARCHIE: Hi, I'm Archie Thwaites.

BLENKINS:Good for you. What do you want?

ARCHIE: Great question! There is no way you could guess.

BLENKINS: Acrtually, I could guess incredibly easily, but I may not guess correctly. Be more specific.

ARCHIE: [Tut] 'Spose. Anyway, I'm the new agony aunt!

BLENKINS:You'll be writing the advice column? Fine.

ARCHIE: Yes. But I say agony aunt because it's funnier. Because I'm a man! And I don't even have any siblings, so if you think about it...

BLENKINS: Be quiet. What column were you working on previously?

ARCHIE: None. I've never done soft journalism before. I used to design the operating systems for cash machines, but I figured, hey, why not have a change?

BLENKINS: So, no experience, and an infuriatingly unwarranted pally demeanour. We'd best test you out for the advice column. Here, read this letter.

ARCHIE: "Dear Gladys". Is that me? Hey, that's funny because-

BLENKINS: Drollery noted. Continue.

ARCHIE: "I am pretty certain that my husband is having an affair with another woman. I am devastated, we've been together for 24 years." Goes on a bit longer. How sad.

BLENKINS: Calamitous. What is your advice?

ARCHIE: Errrrm...I think..."Your husband is having an affair".

BLENKINS: Yes?

ARCHIE: You want more?

BLENKINS: Naturally.

ARCHIE: How about "Your husband is having an affair with the woman at Hawkins' Bazaar who demonstrates the robotic tarantulas"?

BLENKINS: That's all in the letter. We need advice, you imbecile.

ARCHIE: That is advice! I should know, I designed the advice slip that ATMs print. "You have £3000 pounds and 40p". That's good advice.

BLENKINS: That's data.

ARCHIE: Advice slip equals advice. Advisement. Advitainment, even.

BLENKINS: You have to tell people what to do, surely you understand that!

ARCHIE: What? "You have £3000 pounds and 40p, but don't give it all to the twitchy guy in the bus station who claims he's invented hover-pants"? Funny sort of advice slip.

BLENKINS: I'm not talking about your ATM machines!

ARCHIE: Aha! Got you on your own ground, pedant. That's a tautology, because the M in ATM stands for machine so you don't actually have to say "machine". Get out of that.

BLENKINS: Certainly: the A in ATM stands for automated, so you don't need the M, all automated devices necessarily being classed as machinery.

ARCHIE: Oh. Yeah. Good advice.

INT. ALBERT EINSTEIN'S STUDY. DAY.

EINSTEIN, WITH HIS MASSIVE WILD HAIR, IS PACING THE ROOM. HIS FRIEND, GUNTHER, SITS IN ARMCHAIR.

GUNTHER: Are you sure this is what you want, Albert?

EINSTEIN: Completely und utterly!

GUNTHER: But you're so good at all this, the mathematics und whatnot.

EINSTEIN: Mathematics Schmathematics! There are more important things in life than Mathematics!

GUNTHER: You discovered the law of the photoelectric effect, Albert. That's quite important.

EINSTEIN: It's not enough, Gunther! I have so much more to offer!

GUNTHER: I'm sure you do but is this really the direction you want to pursue?

EINSTEIN: Ja! I'm absolutely sure that my life will truly be complete und meaningful once I have explained the dangers of exposed wiring to the general public through the medium of puppetry!

GUNTHER: I had no idea the issue of exposed wiring was so important to you.

EINSTEIN: Of course it is! (POINTS AT HIS WILD HAIR) You think I was born like this?! No, I have an exposed wire to thank for this monstrosity! If only I had been given the correct safety advice in my younger years! Preferably by a cute und sympathetic anthropomorphic figure that was both fun und informative!

GUNTHER: I agree it is a pity about your hair but...

EINSTEIN: No one should suffer like this again! I shall not rest until every man woman und child is made aware of the terrible dangers of exposed wiring in an accessible and entertaining manner!

GUNTHER: I applaud your public spirit, Albert, but I must advise you against abandoning your important scientific explorations for this...it just seems so...insane.

EINSTEIN: Ha! They said I was insane when I discovered the special theory of relativity!

GUNTHER: No, they didn't.

EINSTEIN: They were thinking it!

GUNTHER: No, Albert, they were really impressed.

EINSTEIN: Ha! Well, if they thought that was impressive, just wait until they meet 'Bingo the Safety Bear'!

EINSTEIN DIVES UNDER HIS DESK. GUNTHER ROLLS HIS EYES.

CUT TO EINSTEINS DESK. A HAND-PUPPET BEAR POPS INTO VIEW

EINSTEIN V.O: Guten Morgen, Ladies und Gentlemen! Ich bin Bingo der Safety Bear und I have important advice regarding the correct safety procedure regarding exposed wiring in the home und workplace!

GUNTHER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

GUNTHER: Albert, I have to be going now...

EINSTEIN V.O: Schweinhund! I am not Albert! I am Bingo the Safety Bear!

GUNTHER: Auf wiedersehen, Albert.

EINSTEIN V.O: You cannot leave yet, Gunther! I am Bingo the Safety Bear und I have not yet made you fully aware of the hazards inherent in exposed wiring!

GUNTHER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AS HE EXITS

EINSTEIN'S OTHER HAND POPS UP AND PLACES A SMALL TROPHY ON THE TABLE, HIS PUPPET GRABS IT.

EINSTEIN V.O: For me? Oh, what an honour! I did not even know there was a Nobel Prize for Electric Safety Advice!

SON: What about heading to that corner?

DAD: We've tried that twice. This is hopeless.

SON: It's so dark. I'm scared, dad.

DAD: [Angry] This is all your mothers fault. "Spend some time together and bond" she said. "You'll enjoy it" she said.

SON: [beginning to weep] Try her mobile phone

DAD: No signal, plus she's away for the weekend. There's nothing she can do to help.

SON: So, this is it then.

DAD: Yes son, we are both lost and trapped. [Takes out B n Q receipt from pocket and begins to write on back -]

"Whoever finds our bodies, tell my wife both me and our son loved her very much, and that at least we died together."

[CAMERA PANS OUT SHOWING FATHER AND SON TRAPPED INSIDE A DUVET THEY WERE ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE]

Gappy again for a nice rhythm. All good though.

I agree, fun week. Liked Nick's little pull-back, but I'll plump for Courthouse again this week.

I'm a fan of Nick's stuff in general. His sketch is the best by a wide margin.

Can I vote for myself? as no one else ever has :-(

I vote gappy, as Michael's is frighteningly perverted for someone as repressed as me and the other two are a little old fashioned for my taste. Still, good work everyone and comedy is all a matter of taste in the end!