Eclipse
INT. OFFICE. SIGN ON THE WALL READS 'CAPTAIN MUNCHEES FAMILY FISH RESTAURANT - THE HOME OF HARRY THE HALIBUT!'. JACK, THE RESTAURANT MANAGER, SITS AT DESK. OPPOSITE HIM SITS REG, A MAN DRESSED IN A HALIBUT COSTUME.
JACK: How long have you been our mascot, Reg?
REG: Twenty glorious years of 'Harry the Halibut'!
JACK: That's a long time to be a rollerskating Halibut, isn't it? I bet there are times when you think 'Oh, I wish I was at home with my feet up instead of rollerskating outside a family fish restaurant in the pouring rain'?
REG: No. I love my job and the rain makes my tinfoil scales glisten. I want to die in this Halibut suit. In fact, I'd like to be buried in it.
JACK: That would be the only course of action anyway, we can't re-use a costume that someone's died in, it's basic Food Hygiene.
REG: Good, because I love this suit and I love my job!
JACK: This is very difficult for me to say, Reg.
REG: Why? Are you having a stroke?! Badoom-tish!
JACK: That's actually an excellent example of one of the issues I need to raise with you, Reg. Your sense of humour, it's..
REG: Infectious?
JACK: No, although that also reminds me of an issue we need to discuss. Apparently you told some customers that you have a venereal disease?
REG: It was a joke! I haven't had a venereal disease for months!
JACK: Reg, some of the 'jokes' you're making with customers, they are-
REG: Razor sharp?
JACK: No, but again, reminds me of a matter we need to discuss, which is your insistence on carrying a concealed weapon.
REG: Just a pen knife, purely for self defence and occasionally for opening bottles.
JACK: Are you still drinking at work? I thought we-
REG: I'm not drinking at work.
JACK: Good.
REG: I only drink before and after work.
JACK: Okay, well, that's not ideal but-
REG: Look, what's all this about, Jack? I don't have much time, I'm due to rollerskate around the car park in three minutes, blowing ping pong balls out of my arse for the kids.
JACK: Why would a Halibut be blowing ping pong balls out of its arse?!
REG: Let's not look behind the curtain here, Jack. We start by asking questions about halibuts and ping pong balls, the next thing you know we're asking why this halibut is on rollerskates, then why this Halibut smells of Bacardi Breezers and before you know it the whole concept of 'Harry The Halibut' is collapsing around our ears!
BEAT
JACK: It's over, Reg.
REG: Good, I'll get back to work!
JACK: No, 'Harry The Halibut', it's over.
REG: What?!
JACK: This isn't an easy decision, Reg, but times are changing, 'Harry the Halibut' is old fashioned, he's been eclipsed, we're getting a new mascot.
REG: Oh, that's fine, I thought you were sacking me!
JACK: I am.
REG: After twenty years of loyal fish-themed mascotting?! This is appalling! I suppose you've got some trendy young mascot lined up to replace me?!
JACK: We're interviewing potential candidates tomorrow.
REG: But I've got lots of other ideas! Trendy and modern ideas!
JACK: Reg...
REG: Erm...err....'Harry the Hipster Halibut'! Bang up to date! He's swapped the rollerskates for a Penny Farthing! He's got a waxed moustache and he's opening a pop-up micro brewery in an as yet ungentrified part of Shoreditch!
JACK: No.
REG: Erm...Oh, how about 'Keith The Wi-Fi Prawn'! He's got an ipad gaffer-taped to his head so he can play music and movies! You can plug your iphone into his rectum to recharge it while you eat!
JACK: What is it with you and rectums?!
REG: Okay, forget about rectums! How about 'Sammy the Social Media Scampi'! He tweets and blogs! He snapchats and instagrams! He has rough sex in bushes with men he meets on Grindr!
JACK: More rectums! Reg, I can't let you work here anymore. You're old and past it, we need someone new and fresh! And if that wasn't enough reason to let you go, you are also a knife-wielding alcoholic pervert who, sooner or later, is going to seriously hurt someone.
REG: But I need a job! What am I going to do?!
BEAT
JACK: 'Top Gear' Host?
