Here's a draft of a radio script I'm working on. It's [trying to be] a black comedy about the undertaking profession. Any thoughts?
SCENE 1. INT. LOCATION #1 - DAY 1 [9.40]
FX: JOHN SCREAMING AND GIBBERING. HURRIED FOOTSTEPS DOWN A STAIRCASE.
JOHN:
Oh Christ. Oh Jesus Christ.
SUSAN:
What's the matter?
JOHN:
That coffin over there, Mrs Talbot. There's smoke coming out of it!
SUSAN:
Fetch the fire extinguisher!
JOHN:
Where is it?
SUSAN:
In the safety cupboard.
JOHN:
Where's that?
SUSAN:
At the back of the reception area!
JOHN:
What's the recession area?
SUSAN:
Never mind, I'll get it!
JOHN:
Don't leave me here!
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. FETCHES FIRE EXTINGUISHER. DRAGS ACROSS FLOOR. BLASTS IT OFF. CREAKY SOUND OF COFFIN LID OPENING.
JOHN SCREAMS AGAIN. IT'S VERY HIGH-PITCHED
JOHN:
There's someone coming out! They're not dead!
SUSAN:
The hospital's really got some explaining to do this time. (BEAT, THEN IN CALM VOICE) Ah, Lily it's you.
LILY, 24, MORTUARY ASSISTANT, GETS UP OUT OF COFFIN.
LILY:
Yup. Jesus John, that was brilliant! You sounded like a mouse on helium. (BEAT) Maybe you should check your underpants now?
JOHN:
Clean on this morning these were!
LILY:
And now?
JOHN:
Dunno.
SUSAN:
What were you doing in there?
LILY:
I was having a nice relaxing smoke.
JOHN:
Eh? Why didn't you go outside?
LILY:
You get a better hit in a confined space, dummy.
SUSAN:
You're in big trouble. I bet that coffin reeks of smoke now.
LILY:
Maybe, but I'm not the one who covered it with foam, am I? That stuff stains.
FX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS. FARTING.
NIGEL:
What's going on in here? Why's that coffin covered in foam?
LILY:
Mrs Talbot did it.
NIGEL:
And what's that smell of smoke?
SUSAN:
Lily was smoking in the coffin.
NIGEL:
I can't put up with this imbecility any more. You're both fired.
LILY:
You can't fire me now, Nige. I have to drive the wagon to St Bruce's for Mrs Bingley's funeral.
SUSAN:
And you can't fire me.
NIGEL:
Why not?
FX: FARTS
NIGEL:
Erm, excuse me a minute.
FX: RUNNING. AND FARTING
SCENE 2. INT. LOCATION #2 - DAY 1 [9.50]
FX: LOO DOOR BEING OPENED AND SHUT. LENGTHY SQUITTERING. TINKERING WITH LOO ROLL HOLDER
NIGEL:
John! JOHN!
FX: OUTER DOOR CRASHING OPEN
JOHN:
Yes boss?
NIGEL:
Where's the bog roll?
JOHN:
Dunno. (BEAT) Er, isn't it on that little round thing on the side?
NIGEL:
No! I sent you to get some more from the supermarket yesterday. Did you?
JOHN:
Yeah, I got it alright.
NIGEL:
Where is it now?
JOHN:
Let's see. I drove to the supermarket, then I went into the supermarket, got a trolley, got the bog rolls and put them in, then I bought the coffee and a can of coke, then I paid for it and wheeled it back to the wagon. Then I was a bit thirsty so...
NIGEL:
Spare me your life story please. Where's are the bog rolls now?
JOHN:
Dunno.
NIGEL:
Well, just go and get me something to wipe my - you know? Quick as you like.
JOHN:
OK.
FX: LENGTHY RUMMAGING. INCONGRUOUS CLANKING, SQUEAKING ETC
JOHN:
Can't find anything. No bog roll anyway.
NIGEL:
Go and ask Susan.
JOHN:
Alright.
BEAT
JOHN:
She says she's 'prepared to, um, elevate your bodily distress' but only on condition that you apologise for threatening to sack her and promise to make the coffee for a whole month.
NIGEL:
Yes, alright. Anything.
SUSAN:
(FROM A DISTANCE) Say it nice and loud so I can hear it.
NIGEL:
I apologise for threatening to sack you and promise to make the coffee for a whole month.
SUSAN:
Very well. Here you are, John - hand these in to our unfortunate friend. Two sheets. One to wipe and one to polish.
NIGEL:
It's not enough.
SUSAN:
Too bad!
NIGEL:
Right. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm going to have to put this tie to unspeakable uses.
JOHN:
That's a shame, boss.
NIGEL:
Not to worry. It was a present from my ex-wife.
FX: FLUSHING
SCENE 3. INT. LOCATION #1 - DAY 1 [10.15]
NIGEL:
Where's Lily? I want to talk to her.
SUSAN:
If you remember, she's taking Mrs Bingley to St Bruce's for the 11 o clock.
NIGEL:
It'll have to wait then. John, did you remember where those loo rolls got to?
JOHN:
Yeah. (BEAT) Er, dunno.
NIGEL:
Think, man!
SUSAN:
Forget the bog rolls. We've got a serious problem here.
NIGEL:
What?
SUSAN:
There's an unaccounted for body in that unit there.
NIGEL:
What the hell...? Open it up.
FX: SLIDING NOISES. SEPULCHRAL CHILLY SOUNDS.
NIGEL & SUSAN:
It's Mrs Bingley!
JOHN:
I remember about the loo rolls now. I stacked them in the coffin in the back of the wagon. Sorry.
NIGEL:
No, no, that's perfectly alright. Thanks to you, Mrs Bingley's relatives will shortly be burying a coffin-full of supermarket brand bog rolls, while I've been opened up to blackmail and humiliation, and have just wiped my backside on a finely done portrait of Kenneth Clarke in profile. You great half-witted baboon!
SUSAN:
And we have a spare body here that we really don't need.
NIGEL:
Jesus wept. Call Lily! Stop her!
SUSAN:
I'm calling her now (BEAT) She's got her phone switched off. I'll call a taxi.
NIGEL:
What for?
SUSAN:
We've got to get there somehow! And Mrs Bingley. Quick, get her out and put her in the spare coffin. We'll have to put it across our knees.
NIGEL:
Spare coffin? What spare coffin? There's only this one and it's covered in foam.
SUSAN:
We don't have a choice. You and John get Mrs Bingley into it and I'll give it a quick wipe while you're carrying it out.
NIGEL:
Get hold of her shoulders, John and we'll hoick her in.
JOHN:
Yes, boss.
NIGEL & JOHN:
Hup!
FX: SICKENING THUD
NIGEL:
Try to get her head inside the box, will you?
JOHN:
Sorry boss! Hup!
FX: SICKENING WOODY THUD
NIGEL:
Never mind. Let's get going.
SCENE 4. EXT. LOCATION #3 - DAY 1 [10.30]
FX: STRUGGLING WITH COFFIN. STREET NOISES. VEHICLE APPROACHING.
NIGEL:
Taxi!
FX: VEHICLE REVVING OFF AT SPEED.
SUSAN:
Some of the local taxi drivers are notoriously superstitious. Taxi!
FX: VEHICLE PULLING TO A HALT.
SUSAN:
St Bruce's please. We're in a hurry. I'll get in first, Nigel, and you and John slide the coffin across.
NIGEL:
Right.
FX: STRUGGLING TO SHOVE COFFIN IN.
NIGEL:
It won't bloody fit. Scratch this. I've got an idea.
SUSAN:
What?
NIGEL:
Salesmanship on the hoof. Watch and learn. Here comes a suitable prospect.
FX: TAPPING OF STICK UP PAVEMENT
(TO OLD MAN) Morning sir, I can see you're hale and hearty now, but what of the future? Death comes to us all.
OLD MAN:
Indeed it does.
NIGEL:
That's why I'm giving you this chance to take this coffin on a trial basis.
OLD MAN:
There's plenty of life in me yet you know!
NIGEL:
No, but this way you can get used to the idea of your impending demise. If you don't like it you can bring it back and I'll reimburse you no questions asked.
OLD MAN:
Can you give me a set of shelves for it?
NIGEL:
I'm sorry?
OLD MAN:
I need a new bookcase you see, and this would be just the thing by the fireplace. And then when the time comes, as you say, out with the books and in with the late and regretted. Can I have a look inside, to get an idea of the dimensions?
NIGEL:
Ah, it's not convenient at the moment.
OLD MAN:
You've only got to take the lid off!
NIGEL:
Yes, but they're very technical these new types of lids. I'll have to fetch my tools.
OLD MAN:
Oh well, in that case, I'll pass on it.
NIGEL:
Oh, don't do that. I'm sure my assistant can help us. (QUIETLY) We've got to get the body out!
OLD MAN:
I'm sorry, my hearing isn't quite what it was.
NIGEL:
I was just conferring with my assistant.
JOHN:
Get the body out, boss? Alright.
OLD MAN:
He didn't say 'get the body out' did he?
NIGEL:
No, no. That was 'get the tobby out'. The tobby's the tool we need to get the lid off.
OLD MAN:
I see.
JOHN:
I'll get the lid off.
NIGEL:
Gosh, will you look at that?
OLD MAN:
What?
NIGEL:
Over there. Is that the Red Arrows? Oh no, it's a squirrel.
FX: SICKENING THUD
OLD MAN:
What was that noise?
NIGEL:
Nothing.
OLD MAN:
I'm sure I heard something.
NIGEL:
The squirrel probably dropped a nut.
OLD MAN:
What squirrel?
NIGEL:
That one over there.
OLD MAN:
You're drivelling man. Pull yourself together!
JOHN:
Could you give me a hand, Mrs Talbot?
SUSAN:
Yes. Mrs Bingley, how nice to see you. Come this way.
OLD MAN:
Who's that with your assistant?
NIGEL:
Just an old friend.
OLD MAN:
She looks rather haggard. Are you sure she's quite well.
NIGEL:
Oh yes, just in need of a spot of fresh air. A little promenade up and down the seafront and she'll be right as rain. Ah, look we managed to get the lid off.
OLD MAN:
Splendid. This is just the thing. I'll take it.
NIGEL:
That'll be, er, £200.
OLD MAN:
Seems rather steep.
NIGEL:
Not at all. You can't buy cupboards like this in Ikea you know.
OLD MAN:
There are stains on the side of it too. What about £90?
NIGEL:
Oh, alright then.
FX: NOTES CHANGING HANDS
OLD MAN:
Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
SUSAN:
Taxi!
FX: CAR SKIDS TO A HALT
SUSAN:
Quick, get in! This way, Mrs Bingley.
FX: TAXI DOOR OPENING
OLD MAN:
Wait! How am I going to get it home? What about the shelves?
NIGEL:
Can't stop now. Bye.
TAXI DRIVER:
She doesn't look too good. Hospital is it?
SUSAN:
No, St Bruce's Church please.
TAXI DRIVER:
Cutting out the middle man, eh?
FX: ARTIFICIAL LAUGHTER FROM NIGEL AND SUSAN
NIGEL:
Very good, ha ha.
SCENE 5. EXT. LOCATION #3 - DAY 1 [10.45]
FX: CHURCH BELLS.
DRIVER:
Hello? There's a funeral going on here.
SUSAN:
Yes, just drive round the back will you?
DRIVER:
What's going on here? She's not... What are you people playing at?
SUSAN:
Nothing at all. Everything's fine. Here's an extra large tip for you.
FX: JANGLING COINS
DRIVER:
Much obliged madam. I hope you and your supine friend have a lovely day.
SUSAN:
Come along Mrs Bingley. Time to get out.
NIGEL:
That's right, Mrs Bingley. Just lean on my shoulder there.
FX: DRAGGING SOUNDS. CAR SPEEDS OFF.
SUSAN:
I'll go round and talk to Lily. You and John keep her out of sight.
NIGEL:
OK.
SCENE 6. EXT. LOCATION #3 - DAY 1 [10.55]
SUSAN:
(WHISPERING) Lily, I need a word with you.
LILY:
What?
SUSAN:
That coffin's full of loo rolls.
LILY:
Oh. Is it?
SUSAN:
You don't seem overly concerned.
LILY:
Not my problem is it? I don't work here anymore.
SUSAN:
You're not claiming you actually worked before are you?
LILY:
Oh look, here come the pallbearers.
PALLBEARER:
Hello. Can we take the coffin out now?
SUSAN:
Would you mind waiting just a moment? There's been a technical hitch.
PALLBEARER:
The service is due to start any minute.
SUSAN:
This won't take long. Perhaps you could just go and check whether the vicar's arrived.
PALLBEARER:
Oh, he's arrived alright. He's in the vestry.
SUSAN:
Go and check that he hasn't absconded.
PALLBEARER:
Why would he do that?
SUSAN:
He's very absent-minded. Prone to wander if not kept under close observation.
PALLBEARER:
Oh, God. Thanks for telling me. I'll go back straightaway.
LILY:
You've just slandered the vicar.
SUSAN:
It was the only way. Give me a hand with this, will you.
LILY:
What?
SUSAN:
Taking out these loo rolls.
LILY:
Yeah, but where am I going to put them?
SUSAN:
In the front.
LILY:
They'll be visible. Why don't we just hand them out?
SUSAN:
Huh?
LILY:
Everyone cries at funerals, so why don't we give them these to dry their eyes on. That way we can pretend it's all part of the service. Pity we didn't have them printed up with our logo.
SUSAN:
That sounds like a terrible idea.
LILY:
I liked it.
SUSAN:
Just stack them in the front. Then we'll drive round the back and get Mrs Bingley.
SCENE 7. EXT. LOCATION #3 - DAY 1 [11.00]
FX: HEARSE SKIDDING. DOORS SLAMMING SHUT.
NIGEL:
What took you so long?
SUSAN:
Bog rolls. Let's load her up.
LILY:
Here comes that pallbearer again.
PALLBEARER:
I found the vicar.
SUSAN:
That is a relief.
PALLBEARER:
Why have you moved the hearse round here? We were planning to take the coffin through the main door.
NIGEL:
Erm, technical problem. Stand still, Mrs Bingley.
JOHN:
She's toppling over, boss.
NIGEL:
I can see that. That's got it.
PALLBEARER:
Who is that ghastly-looking woman? My God, she's dead isn't she?
FX: SICKENING THUD, AS PALLBEARER TOPPLES OVER
JOHN:
He's fainted, boss.
NIGEL:
I can see that, John.
SUSAN:
Get her in the box quick. I'll try to revive him.
JOHN:
Hup.
FX: SICKENING WOODY THUD.
NIGEL:
Let's go!
FX: DOORS SLAMMING. HEARSE STARTING UP.
SCENE 8. EXT. LOCATION #3 - DAY 1 [11.05]
NIGEL:
In the nick of time. Can I offer you a roll of condolence tissue, sir, to wipe your eyes on? And here's a copy of the order of service.
MOURNER:
Thank you.
LILY:
I've just noticed something really rather interesting about these orders of service.
SUSAN:
What's that?
LILY:
Look at the name on the front page.
JOHN:
Oh yeah. There's a spelling mistake.
LILY:
I don't think that's a spelling mistake.
NIGEL:
(READS) 'The funeral of Mrs Edith Bringley'. Bringley - with an R. Oh, for the love of God.
LILY:
Never mind. The lid's shut now - they'll never know.
NIGEL:
That's true.
LILY:
Unless someone tells them.
NIGEL:
Who would do that?
LILY:
Who can say? Can I have my job back? And a one hundred percent pay rise?
NIGEL:
I'll get you for this.
SUSAN:
I think it might be time to go.
