Skit Comp 14 - 22.3.15

More hilarity acock so congratulations to LEE for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Lee
3 - 5 - Tursiops
1 - 1 - Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: PSYCHOLOGY (chosen by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 22.3.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Lee
2 - 21 - Gappy
3 - 5 - Tursiops, Darren, Blobster, Dave C, Stylee Ting Ting
4 - 1 - Steve Sunshine

MAD ON ASS

As the priest said to the boy, come up my passage. Yes, it's a trip down memory lane as we celebrate 31 years, 5 months, 3 days and a bit of every wanker's favourite study: Madonna!
1983: Club kiddie Madonna steams with Jellybean to create irritating pap, 'Holiday'. She looks like a tart in the video and earns 4,841,947,035 wanks worldwide!
1984: 'Like a Virgin' (huh?) turns her into a global phenomenon, hitting number one in thirteen countries and Luxembourg. She looks like a slapper on the cover and earns 4,841,947,496,035 jerk-offs wankwide! Girls everywhere go, 'THAT'S what I wanna be like' - once women aspired to being politicians or human rights activists or relief workers in Africa; now they aspire to being raped by an old man in a boat. Nice one, Madge!
1986: 'Shanghai Surprise', this joint effort between mega-star Madonna and mega-star/husband Sean Penn, is f**king shit. But she looks like a slapper on the poster and garners 4,841,947,294,619,496,035 slaps of the purple-headed yoghurt-slinger all over the wank!
1989: 'Like A Prayer': She looks like a scrubber in a church this time, and enjoys 4,841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735 pounds on the one-eyed moose!
1990: The bollockbusting Blond Ambition World Tour and that weird pointy bra thing. Despite design by Gaytier and a documentary that makes Jon Savage sound like Barney Rubble she looks a modicum less like a scrubber and only earns 4,619,496,035,836 high-five slaps with Yul Brynner. Aaaaah! But don't worry, fellow salmon-slammers, 'cos:
1992: 'Sex'. Coffee-table tome with Steven Weisel featuring loads of pics of her looking like class brass ass, stroking up 4,841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047 strums on the one-string harp in Luxembourg alone!
1998: She becomes a mother and gets spiritual and makes a decent album. Batter-stirrers, main-vein-strainers and lumberjack-squeezers weep and it's not from the one-eyed Cyclops this time. 7 mole-strokes from the hard-core clamp-clearers in Hull. But you can't keep a good woman, or your hand brake, down, 'cos...
2003: Madonna, Britney and Christina pretend to be carpet-munchers on MTV! Wa-hey! One snog and instead of getting her head kicked in by genuine lezzers, it's 4,841,947,294,619,496,035,836,836,037,413,954,735,7438,6125,057,826,842,047 furious phallus-flings, ferocious flag-pole fondles and fierce fryings-up-the-corndogs!
2012: In solidarity with Pussy Riot, Madonna dons one of their signature balaclavas. Can't do more than that, can she? - I mean, than bravely losing 4,841,947,294,619,496 invokings of the Oscar Meyer love spells. Girl power!
2013: Madonna tops Forbes' '2013 Highest Wanking Celebrities', with earnings of 841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047, 841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047841,947,294,619,496,035,836,735,7438,6125,057,826,047 beef-tip strokings, weed bleeds, Kojak chokes, caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile, choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come, and wanks! Well done! Shake my hand?

[PRESENTER is walking through a laboratory set, talking to the camera as he goes. It's very much the style of a light science documentary; as he finishes the speech, he reaches the door, hangs his goggles on a peg, and walks out]

PRESENTER: But, what drives us to act in this fashion? I visited child psychologist, Camena Billoughs, to see how our mental characteristics are formed at an early age.

[Cut to classroom environment. PRESENTER & CAMENA sit at a desk with a laptop, which projects images onto a large screen]

PRESENTER: So, Camena, you're interested in the mind of the child.

CAMENA: Quite right, Quentin. When we observe children we can really see our adult psyches in miniature. Let's take a look at this experiment, in which we've used sweets to investigate approaches to issues of selection and social competition.

[Video starts on the big screen. Cut to it, with VO from PRESENTER & CAMENA. There are some CHILDREN behind a table, which is covered in various sweets. Each CHILD has a bag, and they act as described in the dialogue]

CAMENA: We asked these children to collect as many sweets as they could.

PRESENTER: Ah, yes, I can see how they have different approaches.

CAMENA: Indeed. Notice the two boys are fighting over the largest lollies, whilst the girl on the left is quietly collecting a large number of smaller sweets. It tells us a lot about our psychological make-up.

PRESENTER: And what's the lad at the back doing?

CAMENA: He's shagging his Mum.

[We can just see a blur at the back of the room, stumbling into the frame]

PRESENTER: Oh, yes, I want to do that, sometimes.

CAMENA: You all do, Quentin, you all do. Look at him, plugging away like billy-o. Now, perhaps we could look at some slightly older children engaged in another experiment.

[New film begins]

CAMENA: In just a few short years, these children's psychological networks are already starting to cement into place. Here we've asked the subjects to choose, not the greatest number of sweets, but the best ones.

PRESENTER: Now that is interesting. Some of them are choosing the brightest coloured sweets, and some of them are choosing those there are fewer of.

CAMENA: Yes, very different approaches, there. But look at the boy in the red; he's actually taking the time to test each type of sweet - he won't get the most, but he knows he'll get the best.

PRESENTER: And what about the girl on the very far left?

CAMENA: She's rocking back and forth, mumbling to herself, crying a little bit. She's a nutjob.

PRESENTER: Just like in adulthood.

CAMENA: Just like in adulthood, Quentin. And do you see what the others are doing to her?

PRESENTER: They're - I think they're shunning her.

CAMENA: Yes, they're shunning the disgusting freak.

PRESENTER: She *is* disgusting.

CAMENA: Completely repulsive mentalist, yes.

[Film stops, cut back to school set]

CAMENA: So, there you have it. The junior psyche contains the seeds of our adult mindset.

PRESENTER: Well, that's fascinating, Camena, but [light chuckle] I don't suppose you've got any of those sweets left.

CAMENA: I have. [Puts large box on table. PRESENTER reaches for some] but I licked them all. [Puts fingers in her ears and waggles them, whilst dong a schoolyard sing song ] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

[PRESENTER starts to cry]

Man turns up at Psychologists office for first time,

Man: Hello Dr Stanley is it?
Dr Stanley: Yes, how can I help you.
Man: My names Tom Rivers and I've been referred to you by my doctor to see if you can do something about my Kleptomania.
Dr Stanley: Oh yes, please come in, Take a chair!
Man: Your Not Helping!!!!!
Leaves.

Funy's gag is nice, but alas I've heard it before (trouble with all the best jokes).

Michael gets my vote for his customary filth

Vote Goes to Gappy,

Gappy!

Yes, Gaps.