Newsjack Rejections Page 3

I will be honest, my oneliners stunk but its my first go and I think they were too long. Never mind.

1. The world was shocked today to find out that Donald Trump is actually a fictional character played by Adam Sandler in a wig and fat suit, for his next film about an ignorant business man with more money than sense who has ambitions of becoming the next president. I can't wait to see that film coming out next November.

2. Today the prime minister issued a dire warning about swarms of people entering our country and changing our lives. Swarms of hipsters have been seen gentrifying parts of the greater London area, the prime minister continued that the world doesn't need more people who are thicker than their glasses and make tasteless craft beer that will go undrunk in cherry oak casks.

3. Social media has been in a storm today, as it turns out that members of the public are mistreating a wax work dummy and taking inappropriate pictures. The police have issued a statement stating that when you see the prime minister on holiday, wearing his fit flops please leave him and his family alone.

Hey all,

Decided to post my submissions here because hey, what else am I gonna do with them!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Kids across the country have had their consoles taken away after a report found that just an hour of gaming leads to poor GCSE math results. A problem which parents have challenged them to "solve for x-box".

2. London's Walkie Talkie has won the Carbuncle Cup, being judged the UK's worst building. The owners are believed to be very disappointed with the building's poor reception.

3. Liz Kendall has warned of a potential Tory drive to "Wipeout" Labour. She prefaced the announcement with maniacal laughter and followed up by performing a high tempo drum solo.

VIEWJACK:
1. I for one stand with Danny Zuko on the immigration crisis, they need to go! They come to our country, burn up the quarter mile, the chicks all cream for them...Greek migrants! Go greek migrants!

2. Me and my friends are so excited about the new Star Wars. They say the last one was terrible, and I'm sure lots of people died, but we've never fought in a real space war and I can't wait to fire my first laser! Pew! Pew! Pew!

3. I can't say I envy the woman they arrested on an EasyJet flight with no passport or boarding card. They likely charged her with a £90 admin fee just to get let off the plane.

Quote: liebot @ 13th September 2015, 10:55 PM BST

2. London's Walkie Talkie has won the Carbuncle Cup, being judged the UK's worst building. The owners are believed to be very disappointed with the building's poor reception.

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Like the idea behind this.

What about something like,

"The title of UK's Worst Building 2015 has been awarded to London's infamous 'Walkie Talkie' building - talk about a poor reception."

Quote: dtmcc @ 15th September 2015, 5:37 PM BST

Like the idea behind this.

What about something like,

"The title of UK's Worst Building 2015 has been awarded to London's infamous 'Walkie Talkie' building - talk about a poor reception."

View original

Yeah, I decided to keep everything this week to literally a oneline.

Ah well. Was quite happy with these but back to the drawing board.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Cherie Blair's stepmum has allegedly stolen a neighbour's bin, setting the Chilcot Inquiry back another 2 years.
2. Dutch scientists have generated the world's largest manmade wave, beating the previous record holders; Mexico.
3. Fines for misusing bus lanes have overtaken parking tickets, even worse they overtook it using a bus lane!

VIEWJACK:
1. I can't believe MPs have taken away my right to die. Suppose I'm just going to have to live forever now.
2. I totally support the SNP's plans for a second referendum, the majority of my friends agree and that's democracy, right?
3. Why is David Cameron shocked that people in Yorkshire hate each other? Doesn't he live in London?

The Mexican wave one made me snort, like that a lot.

Was really happy with my sketches this week, more so than these oneliners, but here they are:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Scientists have discovered a new "human-like" species: fat-cat bankers.
2. Nintendo Italian plumber Mario turns 30. Nintendo-Italian is like Italian-American, but they speak less English and kill more turtles.
3. Roger Bannister swaps shoes with Usain Bolt, fails to run sub-4-minute 100m.

VIEWJACK:
1. "I heard that scientists are concerned about what messages they should be sending aliens. In case they send like an equation or something, which ends up being the alien's n-word".
2. "As a Londoner I'm outraged about the Garden Bridge. A nice garden might mean we'd have to enjoy nature and actually talk to each other".
3. "I heard that Loose Women escaped the Ofcom rape probe. It's insane that Ofcom still have that device."

Happy with these blanks again.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. VW cars have been caught cheating on emission tests. They were found copying their answers from the Vauxhalls sitting next to them.
2. US police have shot a man from a helicopter, which reporters described as "Awesome!"
3. The price of a little known AIDs medication has been raised 5000%, which is fair enough given that it literally cures AIDs.
VIEWJACK:
1. I guess that result was shocking, but I'm more surprised to learn that Japan even has a rugby squad.
2. Birmingham New Street station really looks wonderful, particularly through the window of a train leaving Birmingham forever.
3. We can criticise David Cameron till the cows come home, because he's really not that "into" cows.

Quote: liebot @ 25th September 2015, 7:21 AM BST

VW cars have been caught cheating on emission tests. They were found copying their answers from the Vauxhalls sitting next to them.

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How about:
Volkswagen diesels have been caught cheating on emission tests. Apparently, they were copying their answers from electric cars sitting next to them.

"Electric cars" has the wrong rhythm, Rood. Make it singular like this?

"Apparently it was copying its answers from the GTi sitting at the next desk."

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Drunk passengers could be banned from boarding flights, eliminating the use of airports in Scotland. (this made it on)
2. The Who halts a tour after Roger Daltry gets a virus, the singer promised to "not get flu again".
3. A chatbot has won a competition after successfully appearing to be human, a feat still to be achieved by George Osbourne.

VIEWJACK:
1. "Turns out dead pig meant dead policeman. Scandal averted."
2. "A black woman won an Emmy for Best Actress for the first time. When will a black woman win an award for best actor? Tell me that, Hollywood!"
3. "As a misogynist I was looking forwarding to listening to Radio X, but as a feminist I'm outraged. I'm a very confusing person."

Quote: martinw @ 25th September 2015, 9:10 AM BST

1. Drunk passengers could be banned from boarding flights, eliminating the use of airports in Scotland. (this made it on)

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Well done martinw, it is a goody.

Quote: martinw @ 25th September 2015, 9:10 AM BST

BREAKING NEWS:
2. The Who halts a tour after Roger Daltry gets a virus, the singer promised to "not get flu again".

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Love this one! Well done on getting something on.

liebot I really like your one-liners, I think you are definitely hitting the right tone. I really liked these:

Dutch scientists have generated the world's largest manmade wave, beating the previous record holders; Mexico.

Fines for misusing bus lanes have overtaken parking tickets, even worse they overtook it using a bus lane!

I can't believe MPs have taken away my right to die. Suppose I'm just going to have to live forever now.

Quote: dtmcc @ 25th September 2015, 3:04 PM BST

liebot I really like your one-liners, I think you are definitely hitting the right tone. I really liked these:

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Cheers v. much, my sketches and oneliners were a bit poor this week unfortunately. Kinda happy with 1-2 of these though

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Labour conference scraps vote on scrapping trident.
2. Facebook will provide free internet access to refugees in exchange for everyone liking Mark Zuckerberg's witty status updates.
3. It was the pope's first visit to the US in over 7 years, Catholics have asked him to pope in more often
VIEWJACK:
1. It was all "space" this week; images of Pluto, water on Mars, the super moon... It's getting quite boring, just get to the aliens!
2. We finally answered the age old question of whether a one fingered Japanese man can climb Mount Everest. Nope. Can't be done.
3. I really wanted to stay up and watch the blood moon but I was too scared of the potential were-vampires.