Newsjack Rejections

We woz all robbed! Post your rejected one liners here. Week two.

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Belligerent I.S fighters smash up an Iraqi museum. "I thought there'd be dinosaurs", pouts one militant.

2. U.K foreign diplomats have an alarming shortfall in laughing skills. (Beat) Language skills.

3. Madonna regrets turning down having a Stannah stairlft as part of her Brits performance.

VIEWJACK:
1. (Russian accent) Yes, I was eye witness to murder of Boris Nemstov. I can confirm his last words were, "No you fool, it's clearly gold and white..."

2. (Scouse accent) I was deeply offended by Dunkin' Donuts defiling the history of Liverpool Football Club by replacing our badge with their logo. Liverpool is, and will always be, a Krispy Kreme city.

I am awful at one liners. I make myself do it for the practice and discipline but I will be amazed if I ever write one good enough to get on.

First time I've been able to come up with six so I guess that's progress, in a way?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Google-created artificial intelligence has taught itself to play 49 Atari games. Developers say it will pave the way for new leaps forward in A.I. - as soon as it beats level 47 on candy crush.
2. Poundland in Birmingham had to suspend food sales due to a mice infestation. Management assures us the store is now squeaky clean.
3. Sturgeon calls for investment in wind power. Halibut prefer solar.
VIEWJACK:
1. (ELDERLY LADY) My street has been named after the Robbie Williams song 'Supreme' and I'm just disgusted. I was really hoping for Sexed Up.
2. I'm not racist, I just don't want their type living round here. I don't care how much clean energy in provides, an artificial lagoon is bound to attract mermaids.
3. Made a bit of a fool of myself when I applied for that police job with a selfie. Apparently they were asking for a cop shot.

Nice , liked Stannah and Halibut...

Last 2 weeks stunners below:

ONE LINERS:

1. Jack Straw has apologised in the cash for access scandal, saying he became radicalised on-line at weBuyAnyMp.com.

2. Hollywood has announced that the sequel to the Oscar-winning Birdman will star Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

3. The failure of the Church of England to pay a living wage has become known as Pearlygate.

VIEWJACK:

1. Yeah, that's right, I'm part of Nigel Farage's Yoof Wing, we're called the UNippers!

2. You're dead right mate, us West Ham fans are completely anti-semitic, 'cos we never get anywhere near the semis!

3. Well, the Scots have got Salmond and Sturgeon but we are the UKippers!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

1. Police say they will investigate after images showing a woman's disembodied head were posted on-line at www.theroyalmint.com.

2. Al Quaeda and The Mafia are to merge into new terror group called Al Capone.

3. Coffee-guzzling aficionados have leapt upon the news that the drink is good for the heart with one saying "better be an arty farty than have fatty arteries".

I liked the mermaids one and the mint one!

I may not bother sending any in and just post them on here....
Breaking News
1. Forbes Magazine announces there are as many Sportsmen on their new 'Billionaires List' as Premiership Footballers on the Sex Offenders Register. It's an 'All Score Draw', especially for the Footballers.
2. Russian town renames itself 'Putin', Gateshead looking for Ruthless Politician named 'Depressing Hellhole".
3. "Britain's last Lion Tamer" faces uncertain future, " Britain's last Lion Tamer"s last lion, may not have to face burk waving chair at him every night.

Views jack
1. USA. Religious Fundamentalist : " They may think they done built the ' World's Tallest Wooden Skyscraper' over there in Vienna, but I know God just wanted the right sized toothpick.
2. Middle Aged Man: " They're ending the Radio One Sunday Night Chart Show! -What's Bruno Brooke's gonna do now?"
3. Middle Class Official: " The Japanese Chef who served the poisonous part of the poisonous Pufferfish didn't have his mind on his work, he had just signed his contract with us at NHS Catering.

(apologies to Gateshead , never actually been).

Hopeful improvement of n.3.
3. Britain's Last Lion Tamer faces uncertain future, though what can be more uncertain than annoying a bored lion every night?.

Enjoyed Forbes...

Terrierist hit the net last night but the others hit the post.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Police say the Crufts dog poisoner is likely to be a convicted terrierist.

2. Toxicology reports on the poisoned Crufts dog indicate that it had ingested a lethal dose of Plutonium.

3. Cypriot women have the highest rate of C-sectioned babies in the world, with the majority from the resort of Aya AYa AYA Napa.

VIEWJACK:

1. I blame the rise in Caesarians on all the Labour cuts in the NHS.

2. 30,000 jobs lost in the armed services! Why don't they just build more type P-45 frigates!

3. I guarantee that we will seek revenge as loyal members of ISIL - Irish Setters in London.

Breaking News
1. Uk Eurovision Entry- "1920's Throwback Nobody Voted In"- just how we ended up with The Queen.
2. USA Tourists Caught Carving Their Names in Roman Colosseum 'not typical of most Americans'
-most Americans haven't got Passport, can only spoil their own country.
3. UKIP to Win 2nd Place in 100 Seats in Election - need to do the same in 500 more to be number 2 over whole country, while Tories could continue to reign, number 1, over dis-advantaged.

Views jack
1. GEORDIE: " We're keeping some fondue ready for those Swiss Pilots, trying to fly round the world
on solar power, if they try to fly over Newcastle, they're bound to 'drop in'.
2. POSH BLOKE: " An end to Councils getting rich on Parking Fines? Drivers to get 10 minutes lee-way before getting penalised- Plenty of time for an extra G&T! - Before I write your ticket out.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. NHS 'whistleblower' who demanded new job is to be the referee of this year's FA Cup Final.

2. Man spends night on parliament roof; 76 MPs subsequently claim expenses for rent due.

3. Man who invented clockwork radio receives CBE from the Queen and admits he originally thought the whole thing was a wind-up.

VIEWSJACK:
1. (Man's voice) So David Cameron has pledged 500 new free schools? What the hell am I going to do with a free school?

2. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard on the news that the BBC and Sky want 7 political leaders on television for a mass debate!! (Maybe bit rude for newsjack but after the 50 shades gag in the first one...)

My rejections for last week were:

Breaking News:
A new app for guiding the near sighted through London's Tube network has been released. It's especially helpful to sufferers of Tunnel Vision.
Electric guitars stolen from London music store. Police say they have some leads but need to amplify their search
The owners of Jagger, the poisoned Crufts dog, say they've tried finding out who did it but can't get no satisfaction

Viewjack:
(Essex Man) I was shocked to see a porn film being made in front of the pyramids. But could I stop watching? Nah...I'm a Giza!
(Woman) I think it was unfair of that Italian newspaper to say Michelangelo's David had weak ankles. Next they'll be scrutinising the size of his penis
(Woman) It's a shame the playwright Ben Ellis broke his arm. Gotta ask though, what was he doing writing against the clock?

All good. But liked first 2 most

Here's the ones I sent in this week:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Emily Eavis has chosen Kanye West to headline this year's Glastonbury. When asked to comment, Michael Eavis said she should have given it to Beyoncé

2. Astronomers have advised that this Friday, if your vision goes dim and you begin to lose your balance, then it's either the partial eclipse of the Sun, or you've just tried to serve a salad to Jeremy Clarkson.

3. A British Airways flight had to turn back after a passenger did a "smelly poo". Apparently it was almost as bad as the smell in Harrison Ford's plane, just before he crashed it on that golf course.

VIEWJACK:

1. "Did you see that bus station they demolished in Northampton? It's the first old ruin I've seen brought to its knees since Madonna at the Brits!

Likes:

DH-Posh bloke
EC-Whistler
D2J-Jagger
C75-Clarkson
TBDA-Yodel

This week's howlers:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Further accusations of violence at the BBC after Mary Berry admitted to assaulting, beating, battering and whipping during her programmes.

2. The Sri Lankan national football team suffered the humiliation of being beaten 1-0 by Bhutan, the world's worst football team, and now face an investigation by Colombo.

3. Labour's attempt to humanise Ed Milliband backfired after it was revealed that he has 2 kitchens; one to prepare his vegetables and the other to prepare his peaches.

VIEWJACK:

1. I predict a hung parliament with a Conservative-UKIP-DUP alliance giving us a COKUP party.

2. Julian Assange? He looks the picture of an Ecuadorian gray.

3. Good for Elton! All children are precious, so he should ditch Dolce & Gabbana and wear only Rolf Harris tweed.

Here are my rejections for episode 4

BREAKING NEWS:
1.Jamie Oliver's website has been attacked by two viruses in as many weeks. When are people going to stop bugging him about those Pukka Pies?
2.We've just had a call from The Kremlin. They've confirmed that President Putin refuses to come out of hiding until the rest of the world has counted to a thousand
3.A road next to Manchester United's Carrington training ground has become a hotspot for dogging. 'The noise is making it really hard to concentrate', say the doggers

VIEWJACK:
1.(Man)So, Nigel Farage's book of memoirs is called The Purple Revolution? He'll be telling us he's some kind of Prince next!
2.(Excited woman) I've seen the new 'Bio Bus' that runs on human waste matter. It looks like the best No.2 service ever!
3.(Man) I feel sorry for the woman who accidentally burnt her son's football tickets. It must be awful living in Norfolk!

BREAKING NEWS:
1. This week a statue of Gandhi was unveiled in Parliament Square. Meanwhile, UKIP have unveiled a petition to get it deported.

2. Fancy soaps don't taste as good as they smell, say all boyfriends.

3. Geogre Osborne says there will be no 'gimmicks' or 'giveaways' in the latest budget. However, Labour are to stick by their pledge of free Spokey Dokeys with every NHS gallbladder removal.

VIEWJACK:
1. I've had it with the gays. First they want the right to marry, then they sue Pharrell for $7 million. Where will it end?!

2. The poo-bus that runs on human waste is amazing. Apparently, one sentence from Jeremy Kyle can power it to the Mars and back.

3. South African doctors think they're pretty clever now they can do penis transplants. Piers Morgan in for Jeremy Clarkson? Now that's a penis transplant.