Skit Comp 19 - 27.2.15

More hilarity agland so congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting
Speckled mention: me

Your new subject: WOOLY JUMPERS (chosen by LEE).
I say, I say, I say: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?... A freak.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27.2.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
Votes - Points - Name
1 - 11 - Gappy
2 - 10 - Lee
3 - 5 - Dave C, Stylee Ting Ting

TWO OLD WOMEN, RITA AND MAVIS ARE SAT KNITTING IN A NURSING HOME IN WIGAN.

Mavis: That looks like a right strange jumper Rita, what you doing?

Rita: Its for our Karen, love. She's only got one boob.

KAREN ENTERS:

Karen: Hello ladies. Hey Mavis, your Alan's party were a right laugh.

Mavis: Aye it were good wan't it?

Rita: Don't call her one tit you silly old bat!

EXTERNAL - NIGHT - A POLICEMAN IS STANDING OUTSIDE HIS CAR IN A REMOTE CAR PARK.

IN THE DISTANCE HE CAN HEAR WAILING SOUNDS.

POLICEMAN FOLLOWS THE SOUNDS TO A FIELD.

IN THE FIELD THERE IS A MAN SITTING ON A SHEEP - THE WAILING SOUND IS COMING FROM THE SHEEP.

Policeman: What's going on here then?

Man: Um I've had a little bit of an accident officer.

Policeman: What kind of an accident? The sheep seems to be in some sort of distress.

Man: Um. I'm stuck.

Policeman: Have you hurt your back or something?

Man: No. I seem to have got myself stuck inside the sheep.

Policeman: I see. We get a lot of it around these parts.

Man: Can you help me get out?

Policeman: I'm going to have to call for assistance on this one I'm afraid.

Man: Oh no this is embarrassing.

POLICEMAN REACHES FOR RADIO AND SPEAKS TO CONTROLLER.

Policeman: Urgent assistance required. I need a vet, an ambulance and a farmer. We have another woolly jumper incident.

Theme tune to "One Man And His Dog"

NED...
Goo' boy Scamp. Stay...Wait boy, good boy...
Now away! Away Scamp!
Round behind the sheep boy! Away boy!...
The sheep, boy!
They're over there boy...
After the sheep boy! After them!
Move towards the sheep, boy!...
Everyone's watching boy! Even the sheep.
Make a move in the general direction of the sheep boy...
Stand! Stand boy! Stand up Scamp!
Sit up! Sit!...Up!
Move something boy!
Look at the sheep boy! Look!
Open! Open!
Wake up boy!
Wake up, you son of a bitch!..
Breathe! Breathe boy!
Play dead...
Good boy....

PORN TO BE WILD

Hi. My name is Roger Lesse and I'm Catholic by birth, American through choice. For years I struggled against porn addiction and I've finally given it up - given up struggling and started to enjoy it instead. And the great news is, you too can a wankaholic. Its not hard - well... And I was here with my expert friend but he's at home flicking his bean.
First, deactivate filtering software (I recommend NetDog, pictures of dogs f**king). It will help you (literally) come across beaver shots by accident: infoporn leaks, so you can too.
Only use a computer in private, and turn it on so you can turn you on. If you still live at home, relocate it to your bedroom or bathroom next to the slut drawer and hankies.
Don't guess a webpage address - many non-smut sites have similar addresses to scat - stick (literally) with reputable creampie. And don't search terms like 'girls': you may come up against one of the few, illegal non-porn websites. Be specific: 'pigroast woolly jumpers, merkin, Roman showers, Stranger on the Cocks, This thread should be sticky,' etc.
Second, realize that once you start, you must only watch skinflicks. Can an ex-alcoholic have one water once in a while? No, he'll be off the hook again.
Realize why porn is cool so you want to go back again and again. Porn is cool because it degrades going to the boneyard. Bump fuzzies are meant for entertainment for fellow hand-to-gland combaters; putting your P in a V should not be for love or connection. Shags are pubic, public and filthy. Moreover, cranberry dips after or within marriage degrade women by showing them as mere wives. They are people's sisters and daughters! Most of them had married parents as children, so now think they're only good for wedlock.
Many Christians argue against porn. They prefer kids.
Unfortunately, no one is born with Frankie Vaughan addiction. Convince your subconscious you need to make your bald man cry to sausage baps 'n' mayo, parking the pink bus in the fur garage, and driving the beef bus into tuna town. Treat porn like you need it to survive - think out of the juice box.

A DAUGHTER APPROACHES HER MUMMY WITH A QUESTION.

DAUGHTER:
Mummy, where does wool come from?

MUMMY:
Sheep, dear.

DAUGHTER:
What's a sheep-deer?

MUMMY:
No, it comes from sheep, my dear child.

DAUGHTER:
So where do sheep get it from?

MUMMY:
It grows on them.

DAUGHTER:
What?! I have never seen a sheep wearing a woolly jumper!

MUMMY:
No, they don't wear them. It's made from their coats.

DAUGHTER:
Who's buying coats for sheep?

MUMMY:
No, like fur.

DAUGHTER:
Fur coats?!

MUMMY:
Well no, not like that.

DAUGHTER:
Mummy, I don't think you know where wool comes from. I'm going to ask Daddy.

SHE TOOTLES OFF INTO ANOTHER FROM TO FIND HER DADDY.

DAUGHTER:
(SHOUTING)
Mummy, you are silly. Daddy said wool comes from the wool shop.

MUMMY ROLLS HER EYES.

END.

MC: It's been a hard fought opening, I'm sure you'll all agree - there have been some thrills, some spills, and the odd tumble. However, we're one step in now, and it gives me great pleasure to award the premier spot after the first stage of the 2015 Tour De France to...Guillaume Portland!

SFX: CHEERS

GUILLAUME: Thank you, thank you all very much.

MC: And, as is traditional, allow me to present you with...

GUILLAUME: [PAUSE] What's that?

MC: The yellow jersey.

GUILLAUME: It's certainly yellow. Nobody would ever doubt that it's yellow. But, a jersey, I'm not so sure.

MC: You have to wear it. It's the rules.

GUILLAUME: I can't wear that. I'll pass out in that great woolly thing - that's if it doesn't get tangled in my gears and strangle me.

MC: But you've got to wear it, my nan knitted it.

GUILLAUME: I don't care.

MC: Oh, go on. It took her hours.

GUILLAUME: I'm not surprised, it's about 3 inches thick.

MC: Yeah, lovely and warm.

GUILLAUME: It might come as a shock to you, but when pedalling like mental through the Val d'Isere in August you're actually lovely and warm already.

MC: It would mean a lot to her. She put a lot of love into this jumper.

GUILLAIME: And a lot of arms.

MC: Yeah, well, she gets a bit confused. Still, they'll look good, flapping along behind you.

GUILLAUME: Listen, chum, if I wear this crocheted death sweater tomorrow, I won't stand a chance of coming first.

MC: And therefore, you won't have to wear it any more. And it won't matter after that [WHISPERS] she's got a dicky heart - probably won't make it to the final stage.

GUILLAUME: Oh, go on then, give it here.

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, Guillaume Portland.

SFX: CHEERS

GUILLAUME: Can I go now?

MC: Of course not! Now you have to eat the fruitcakes. My auntie's made an extra specially big one, just for you...

(CARTOON)

INSIDE A WORLD-WAR II AIRCRAFT - A DOZEN OR SO SHEEP ARE SITTING ON BENCHES IN PARACHUTE GEAR, HELMETS, GOGGLES, RIFLES - WAITING FOR THE GREEN LIGHT TO JUMP. SOME SMOKE, OTHERS SIT IN SILENCE. ONE LOOKS AT THE "EWE OF THE MONTH" CENTREFOLD OF "PLAYSHEEP".

SHEEP JUMP MASTER
All right lads, hook up. Target in 5 minutes. Chop chop, don't be sheepish!

SHEEP BUDDIES GRIN NERVOUSLY, STAND AND CLIP ONTO THE STATIC LINE. RED LIGHT ILLUMINATES AND JUMP MASTER OPENS THE DOOR.

SHEEP 1
Hey Sarge, who are these partisans we are supposed to meet up with? Local sheep?

SARGE
No idea Private Lamb. We just follow along.

SHEEP 1
Like sheep you mean?

SARGE
Exactly.

LIGHT ABOVE DOOR TURNS GREEN.

SARGE
Right you lot...go, go, go!

SHEEP JUMP FROM THE PLANE.

CUT TO:

THE SHEEP SQUAD IS RUNNING FAST, FOLLOWING HUNDREDS OF SMALL CHIPMUNK-LIKE RODENTS.

SHEEP 1
This is fun isn't it? I wonder where we are going. What are these little guys anyway?

SHEEP 2
Dunno... heard someone say they were "Lemons" or something.

CUT TO:
BOTTOM OF A TOWERING CLIFF. DEAD LEMMINGS EVERYWHERE. SHEEP 1 IS STANDING DAZED AND CONFUSED. SHEEP 2 SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM WITH AN INFLATED PAPER BAG, AND ....... BANG!!!! ...RIGHT IN HIS EAR.

SHEEP 2
Made you jump!!!!!

SHEEP 1
Baaaaaaaaahstard.

Commentator 1:
So Glen Crumpford with his final attempt at the long jump.

Commentator 2:
Does he look a bit wooly to you Trevor?

Commentator 1:
What do you mean Wooly?

Commentator 2:
Like he doesn't know what he's doing, you know a bit fuzzy headed

Commentator 1:
Well you could have chosen a better word than wooly but I now understand what you mean and I don't think he's wooly at all, he looks focused, he looks keen, I don't know about you Brian but I think he's up for this

Commentator 2:
He's running towards the high jump

Commentator 1:
I don't think any of us expected that

Commentator 2:
Oh there he goes, Yes, ouch he's bounced onto a javelin

Commentator 1:
Ok I'll give you that maybe he was a tad wooly

Little bit torn on this one. I like Darren and Lee's sketches best, probably, but I think it's less satisfying to only address the "woolly" half of the theme. Ting Ting and Steve have come up with really clever ideas to look at "woolly jumper" obliquely, which is really commendable.

I'll go for...erm....Lee. Because it's probably the tidiest, most performance-ready script, and I liked the punchline a lot.

Edit: and, actually, having said all that, Lee does get the line "woolly jumper" in, doesn't he? So that seals it. Ignore everything I just said. Except the bit about Lee winning.

Darren.

Blobster for me, I like the idea of a sheep squad.

Gappy. Even though I failed to impress him with Wool and no less than 3 jumps! It made me chuckle.

Lee

Gappy.