Old school friends

This is a skit I am hoping to film tomorrow:

INTERNAL JD IS IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH A LAPTOP HE IS DIALING A NUMBER INTO HIS PHONE.

JD: Hello is that Carlos Manwelly?

Carlos: Yes speaking

JD: Alright mate, it's Joseph Davies I added you as a friend on facebook last week; we were in primary school together.

Carlos: Oh right, yeh I recognized you from your picture

JD: How's it going? I haven't seen you for years

Carlos: Not to bad mate. Thanks

JD: I see from your pictures you've moved back to your mother's house.

Carlos: Yes she's not too well so I moved back in with her.

JD: The last time I saw you we were outside your mother's house in the summer holidays. Playing off ground touch in the street.

Carlos: That was a long time ago.

JD: Yeah I remember it clearly. Your mother came running out of the house and called you in and I never saw you again after that.

Carlos: I my parents split up and I went to live with my dad. It was all a bit sudden like.

JD: Well that what I'm phoning you about

Carlos: Oh right. What's up?

JD: You're still on it.

Carlos: You what mate?

JD: Off ground touch, you're still on it. We never finished the game.

CARLOS GOES SILENT

Carlos: Are you serious mate?

JD: Yeah you up for it or what?

Carlos: I'm busy at the moment mate, maybe another time.

JD: Aw come on just one game, no backsies.

Carlos: Listen mate I haven't got time, I got to go the um bath is running.

JD: Okay maybe I'll pop round to see you sometime.

Carlos: Uh yes, listen I got to go.

CARLOS PUTS THE PHONE DOWN

JD PUTS PHONE DOWN.

ONE HOUR LATER JD IS KNOCKING ON CARLOS'S DOOR

CLOSE UP OF JD KNOCKING

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL JD IS STANDING ON A BOX.

FADE OUT.

I like the game of It that never ended. My suggestions would be

a) there's quite a lot fo stuff about his mother and all that.
b) Instead of 1 hr later, why not have the door beell ring immediately, and thje dude is standing there, on a box, on his mobile?

Thanks. I agree with the mother stuff, the only reason I put that in there is to show that JD lives close enough to call around Carlos's house, I thought it would not be believable that he could just call around. Do you think it can be removed?

I Like the idea of him on the mobile knocking the door very much, but I will have to film him outside for all of his shots I was going to do it in my conservatory. Will have a think about that, I'd rather end it like you said.

Thanks again

Sorry it was also to show that he moved away and was back living in the same place, so JD could call on him. I maybe thinking too much into it though

I think you are over-thinking a tad, mate. People live a mile away from each other and never meet, it's perfectly reasonable for someone to want to rekindle schooltime friendships without having to have left the area - then the funny bit is that they specifically want to rekindle a certain game of tag from 1991

I think it's got potential to be a funny one.

Thank you that is good advice, I do over think things a lot and the mother bit was clunky, it will be removed. Thanks a lot.