British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 27.1 - 4.2.15

More hilarity acock so congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning again. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Gappy, me
1 - 1 - FunyHaHa Not Funy Strange

Your new subject: THE MOON (chosen by Otterfox).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 4.2.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 37 - Gappy
2 - 27 - Otterfox
3 - 20 - Tiggy
4 - 16 - Hart
5 - 12 - Pugsmith
6 - 10 - Craig H
7 - 5 - Darren Hoskins, Tony Kay, me
8 - 1 - FunyHaHa Not Funy Strange

A brother and a sister hold a wishbone together, ready to break it.

SISTER:
Okay, ready to make a wish?

THE BROTHER NODS. THEY BOTH CLOSE THEIR EYES TIGHT AND PULL THE BONE APART, THE BROTHER WINS.

SISTER:
Aw, you won. What did you wish for?

BROTHER:
I wished the moon was concious.

SISTER:
What? What a weird thing to wish for AND a waste of a wish. You're so stupid.

MEANWHILE, OUT IN SPACE...

MOON:
What? Where am I? What am I? What's going on? Where is everyone? What IS an everyone?
(beat)
Hello?

THE MOON SPOTS EARTH IN THE DISTANCE.

MOON:
What is that small blue dot? Why do I feel this overwhelming attraction to it? I feel like it's pulling me in, yet I'm slipping away.
(ponders)
Um, hello small blue dot... can you hear me? Hello?

THE MOON SLOWLY ROTATES TO REVEAL THE SUN.

MOON:
Whoa! Jesus Christ (whoever he is). What are you, big yellow ball?

THE SUN:
What? Are you talking to me?

MOON:
Yes, yes!

THE SUN:
Gosh. I've been waiting for a jolly long time for somebody to speak to.

MOON:
Well here I am, let us talk! Let us talk about everything, from little tiny bunnies to cardboard boxes to life, creation, philosophy, what all this means, why are we here?!Let us talk, let us talk!

THE SUN:
I'm so happy, my life has been long and lonely and now finally I have somebody to share existence with...

MEANWHILE BACK ON EARTH...

THE BROTHER AND SISTER ARE TALKING.

BROTHER:
You know what, that wish was kinda stupid. I'm gonna take it back and wish for something else.

SISTER:
You can't take it back.

BROTHER:
I just did.
(waves his hands around mystically)
I wish for an xBox.

With a puff of smoke,an xBox appears in front of him.

BROTHER:
Sweeeeet.

THE SISTER ROLLS HER EYES.

BACK IN SPACE:

THE SUN:
Oh yes, I have lots to talk about. Where would you like to start?

THE MOON DOES NOT RESPOND.

THE SUN:
Oh...

THE end

LUNAR TICK

Every male trauma derives from one source: the mother. Every paranoia, fear, hang-up - ALWAYS the mother. Something the mother said, something the mother did, something the mother failed to do... In the end you crack. They put you in psychiatric care. And who's the first person who comes to visit you?

The Moon

I wanted to go to the moon as a child
But NASA tells me I can only go as an astronaut !!!

PAUL: Ah, now here's a decision, John. Does Mark Selby take an easy blue here, or does he opt for a trickier pink, and attempt to open up the reds?

JOHN: Excellent question, Paul. Or, there's always the option of the orange to the centre pocket, and back up to the baulk for a safety. How would you rate that, Paul?

PAUL: I...err...

JOHN: Not so keen on that idea? I know you prefer an attacking game.

PAUL: No, it's not that it's just...

JOHN: Yes?

PAUL: Has there always been an orange ball?

JOHN: Pardon me?

PAUL: It's just that I don't recall ever seeing an orange ball before.

JOHN: [Pause] Erm, right, well, there has definitely always been an orange ball. So, Mark's asking for the white to be cleaned, probably weighing his options up, he is a deep thinker, is Mark, and-

PAUL: So, hang on, are you saying there's always been an orange ball?

JOHN: Of course. I mean, to put it simply [sings "Snooker Loopy"], "Pot the red then screw back, for the yellow, green, brown, orange, blue, pink, black".

PAUL: Is that the words? They don't seem quite...erm, sorry John, I feel a little...unusual.

JOHN: Probably the excitement of the quarter finals, Paul. Oh, and Mark is down and he is going for the orange. Yes, it's beautifully away, and, oh, look at the white just nestling against the baulk cushion, you literally couldn't place it better. Thoughts, Paul?

PAUL: So...how much is the orange worth?

JOHN: Well, it varies, Paul.

PAUL: And, why isn't it being respotted?

JOHN: [Awkward pause, then frustrated] OK, I think what Paul is doing here, is playing devil's advocate, to get me to explain the finer points of the orange. The orange, as I'm sure most of our viewers know, is only played once per game. I'm glad that's cleared up. So, here comes Shaun Murphy, he's in a tricky spot, here. He'll need to get past the blue on the way back from the reds, and of course avoid the orange.

PAUL: But you said the orange doesn't come back!

JOHN: Not the orange ball, the actual orange.

PAUL: What?

JJOHN: [Whisper] What are you doing, Paul?

PAUL: [Whimper] Whu?

JOHN: [Angry] Yes, as we *all* know, there's always an orange on the table, and if the cue ball hits that particular fruit, the match is forfeit. Of course, nowadays, it's not really an orange, because they tend to roll about to much, it's a mandarin. I recall Marco Fu saying that, as there are so many Chinese players in the game now, this was done to make them feel at home. [Chuckle] Great sense of humour, a real ambassador for the game. Anyway, Shaun has played a lovely little safety escape, and left Mark Selby in-

PAUL: What the hell is that?!

JOHN: That, Paul, is Metal Mickey.

PAUL: Oh, come on!

JOHN: As Paul seems to have forgotten, a small model of Metal Mickey is put onto the table every 14 minutes to amble randomly about, nudging the balls. This has been happening in ranking tournaments [emphasis] since 1982! It was an attempt to widen the appeal of snooker to a new demographic

PAUL: What demographic?

JOHN: The Metal Mickey demographic - still strong, I'm sure you'll agree.

PAUL: I don't think I would - and why are there two cue balls now?

JOHN: That one's not a cue ball, Paul. It's the moon.

PAUL: The m-moon? [Weeping] How could it be the moon? How could it possibly be the moon?

JOHN: Because of the magic.

PAUL: Please don't, John.

JOHN: Because of the magic of snooker. What, Paul, did you somehow forget that most snooker players were seventh level mages?

PAUL: No.

JOHN: Well, they are. Come on, how do you think Dennis Taylor stopped that black in '85? It's because he's magic...and has special glasses that can see through time. Hang on, is that what's happening here? Perhaps Stephen Maguire's goat sacrifice yesterday caused another dimension flux: are you an alternate Paul from an alternate reality where snooker is boring?

PAUL: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, it's not boring, but, but -

JOHN: But no moons. Another universe, who'd have thought it. Well, never mind, it doesn't matter, because it's just about time for the referee to implode.

[HUGE BACKWARDS SUCKING NOISE, THEN SILENCE]

CAPTAIN:
Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking. I'd firstly like to welcome you all to the first ever Ryanair galactic space flight. Remember whatever Virgin can do, we can do a lot cheaper and crappier. I hope you all enjoy your ride and if you have any questions then our stewardesses are happy to help.

PASSENGER:
Excuse me, when will we be landing on the moon?

STEWARDESS:
Oh I'm sorry sir but this flight won't be landing on the moon. We'll actually be landing a short journey away...on Jupiter. So you can make your own way from there.

PASSENGER:
Make our own way there? How is that even possible?

STEWARDESS:
Well on Jupiter you will be able to hop in to another ship, and just like that you'll be on the moon... after 176 changeovers spreading over 4 years.

PASSENGER:
4 years? I can't be away from Earth for 4 years.

STEWARDESS:
4 years is a rough estimate but more than likely you'll be dead after the first week.

PASSENGER:
Dead? This isn't the package I was expecting when I signed up for this journey.

STEWARDESS:
You bought a ticket to get to space for £16.50. What service were you expecting?

PASSENGER:
I think survival is the least I expected from it.

STEWARDESS:
Actually survival comes with the gold package ticket, which you did not pay for.

PASSENGER:
How much was that?

STEWARDESS:
£25.80.

PASSENGER:
I'm not paying that, it's an absolute rip-off. And what is this oxygen charge I have to pay?

STEWARDESS:
Firstly, that is an optional charge. You don't actually have to buy the oxygen.

PASSENGER:
No I think I definitely need to buy the oxygen.

STEWARDESS:
Well if you are interested then you just insert your credit card and PIN into here and select how long you want the oxygen for and it will charge you £40 for every hour you use.

PASSENGER:
What if I don't pay?

STEWARDESS:
We'll cut off your oxygen supply and you'll slowly suffocate.

PASSENGER:
Fine. I guess I'll take the oxygen. There aren't any other hidden charges I'm going to find are there. You're not going to charge me for every time I use the toilet, are you?

STEWARDESS:
(chuckling) Toilet? What toilet?

PASSENGER:
There's no toilet?

STEWARDESS:
To save room we've removed the toilet. But under your seat are a couple of portable toilet devices, which are just as good.

PASSENGER:
This is a drinks bottle. But what if I need a number two?

STEWARDESS:
Well then I guess you're aim has to be pretty good.

PASSENGER:
You want me to crap in a bottle?

STEWARDESS:
We just want you to be comfortable. Enjoy your flight.

Dave C by a million miles, brilliant stuff.

INT. NIGHT. LIVINGROOM.

TWO FRIENDS PAUL AND COLM ARE WATCHING A FILM. THE CLOSING CREDITS ROLL.

PAUL:
The Moons of Lunar Moon, a classic!

COLM:
As B Movies go it wasn't bad.

PAUL:
Not bad!? 'Bad' should never be a word used to describe it, even when preceded by 'not'. Rate it out of 79. 79 being the max and 23 being the minimum.

COLM:
Maybe tomorrow. It's getting late, I really should shoot off.

PAUL:
It gets quite dark on your street. I think I have a torch here somewhere.

COLM:
Not to worry. I'll find my way by the light of the silvery moon.

PAUL:
Oh you didn't! You never say 'silvery moon' on the night of a full moon! Even the cats on the street know that.

COLM:
'Dogs on the street' surely?

PAUL:
No it's the wolves actually. That's how they turned 'wear' first day, they barked 'silvery moon' when it was full. In humans saying 'silvery moon' has a different side effect. It's believed that it's how lunatics are borne. First you hallucinate but if you can't get to the safe sanctum of your house by five past two in the A.M. your faculties are completely lost. Of course many believe it to be an old woman's tale.

COLM:
Are you not able to say old sayings?

PAUL:
Never you mind about that. Just make sure you get home before five past two is all. As they say there's never a place like home.

COLM:
It's 'there's no place like ho-', never mind....

COLM BEGINS THE TREK HOME. HE LOOKS UP AT THE MOON AND SEES A FLY BUZZING IN THE MOON AS THOUGH ITS STUCK. IT EVENTUALLY FLIES OFF.

COLM:
Hah! It flew off, perfectly normal.

HE REACHES A FLIGHT OF STEPS BUT AS HE WALKS HE CANNOT MAKE ANY PROGRESS THE STEPS BEGIN TO GET LONGER AND LONGER REACHING UP TOWARDS THE SKY.

HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND SEES A HAWK WITH A SILVER HELMET WALK INTO A ROOM, SPIN AROUND AND EXIT THE ROOM AGAIN. HE OPEN HIS EYES AND THE STEPS HAVE RETURNED TO NORMAL.

HE COMES ACROSS A FORK IN THE ROAD WITH A SIGNPOST. ONE DIRECTION SAYS 'SHORTCUT' THE OTHER SAYS 'LONGCUT'. HE TAKES THE SHORTCUT DOWN A DARK COUNTRY ROAD AND BEGINS TO JOG. IN THE DARK HE INADVERTANT KICKS AN ANIMAL INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON HE SEES A LAMB LYING MOTIONLESS ON THE ROAD.

HE LEANS DOWN TO LISTEN FOR A HEARTBEAT.

LAMB (WHISPERING IN COLMS EAR):
You bastard....

COLM ABRUPTLY HOPS UP AND SHAKEN CONTINUES RUNNING.

HE COMES ACROSS A MAN SELLING BALLOONS.

SELLER:
Night balloon sir? Great for night with the fun of a balloon. Night ballooning even. Very popular amongst am...the....the...folk....

COLM RUNS PAST BUT LOOKS BACK AND IT APPEARS AS THOUGH THE SELLER IS HOLDING THE MOON ON A STRING.

HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND THE SPINNING HAWK REAPPEARS. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND THEY ARE ALL BALLOONS AGAIN.

COLM REACHES A STREET AND A MAN IN HIS 60'S DRUNKENLY STUMBLES TOWARDS HIM.

COLM:
Sorry sir, could you tell me the time?

DRUNK MAN (SNEEZING):
Ah, ah twoooooooo!

LOTS OF TWOS EXIT HIS NOSE. THE 2's FLOAT UPWARDS AND BEGIN TO BURST LIKE BUBBLES.

AGAIN COLM CLENCHES HIS EYES SHUT. THE. SPINNING HAWK APPEARS AND ALL AGAIN RETURNS TO NORMAL.

DRUNK MAN:
....o' clock.

COLM:
Two o'clock!? Oh God! I've five minutes!

HE SPRINTS DOWN THE ROAD, TURNS DOWN ANOTHER STREET AND HASTILY PULLS HIS KEY OUT AND RUNS IN HIS DOOR. QUICKLY HE HOPS INTO BED AND SQUEEZES HIS EYES SHUT. NO HAWK APPEARS.

HE BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF. MUCH MORE RELAXED NOW HE SETTLES INTO BED. WITH HIS EYES CLOSED HE REACHES FOR THE BEDSIDE LIGHT AND CONTENTEDLY PULLS THE STRING ON THE LIGHT. THE MOON TURNS OFF.

END.

Quote: Nick81 @ 3rd February 2015, 12:30 PM GMT

Dave C by a million miles, brilliant stuff.

You're 2 days early - that's even worse than me Laughing out loud

WOLF 1: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to get some sleep here.

WOLF 2: What?

WOLF 1: The howling, your incessant howling, that's what!

WOLF 2: HOWLING?? HOWLING?? You're calling this plaintive siren of soulfulness reverberating with inner turmoil, thick with unspoken emotional angst and laden with centuries of unspent lamentation, a HOWL??

WOLF 1: Well let's just say it's more Desperate Norma than Nessum Dorma

WOLF 2: (Sniff) Admit it. You've been seething with jealousy ever since I became the chosen one.

WOLF 1: (Double sniff) Au contraire. I'd rather spend my time licking the clinkers off Big Chief Boil in the Bag's hairy arse than be one of Kevin Costner's she-bitches anyday.

WOLF 2: (Triple sniff) Mange tout. Everyone knows you'd give your collection of Beauwolf posters to have been a dot on the horizon in that film.

WOLF 1: (Quadruple sniff) Je'taime, moi non plus. Everyone knows...

HOURS PASS - DAYBREAK

WOLF 2: Now look what you've done, the moon's gone and buggered off.

WOLF 1: Bollox. 'Scuse my French.

Dave C.

Lee, I think.

Gappy.

gappy.

Lee

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