Live Sketch Show Looking For Writers Page 3

Thanks everyone. Here's the script for those who couldn't pick up all the dialogue:

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TOM: (OUT OF BREATH) Wait! Wait! Oh, thank goodness I caught you in time. Is that a package for me?

POSTWOMAN: No it's for the guy who lives in number 43, Tom Nolan.

TOM: Yes. This is Number 43. I'm Tom Nolan. Thanks.

HE REACHES FOR THE PACKAGE. THE POSTWOMAN PULLS IT AWAY FROM HIM.

POSTWOMAN: Woah, woah, woah, woah! What do you think you're doing there sunshine?

TOM: That's my package, I've been waiting in for it all morning so if I could just have it...

POSTWOMAN: Oh no, no. This is a "special delivery" package mate. And you weren't in when I tried to special deliver it just now. See? (She reads) "11.54am - no answer at door. F***'s sake."

TOM: Yes, I was on the toilet, I came as quickly as I could.

POSTWOMAN: Eugh!

TOM: Eh? No! I came to the door as quickly as I could, I wasn't having a - look can you just give me my package please?

POSTWOMAN: No can do mate. I'm obliged to follow your pre-arranged "if out" instructions. We have rules at the Post Office you know.

TOM: Yes I understand but I'm not out. I'm right here.

POSTWOMAN: Sorry. I've already written out the wee red card for you. See?

SHE HANDS HIM THE CARD.

TOM: You've drawn a cock and balls on it.

POSTWOMAN: Other side.

TOM TURNS THE CARD OVER.

TOM: (He reads) "11.54am - no answer at door. F***'s sake."

SHE YANKS THE CARD BACK OFF HIM.

POSTWOMAN: So I'm afraid it's out of my hands. I've got to leave this package in your nominated safe place.

TOM: Wait, so in order to guarantee my parcel arrives safely, you're not going to give it to me - in my hands. You're going to bring it round the back and leave it in my garden shed.

POSTWOMAN: (Studying card) Hmm. Doesn't say anything about a shed on here. Although you were warm when you said I'd be bringing it round the back.

TOM: I'm sorry?

POSTWOMAN: Well, according to these instructions your nominated safe place for all and any undelivered parcels, packages and padded envelopes - is up your own arse.

TOM: Up my - what? Are you having a laugh?

POSTWOMAN: Come on then bend over, I've got other deliveries to make.

TOM: I'm not letting you stick a special delivery package up my...what's the matter with you?

POSTWOMAN: Nothing the matter with me love, these are your instructions.

TOM: Look this is getting silly. There's no way I would have nominated my own arsehole as a preferred safe location for my missed post. There must be some mistake.

POSTWOMAN: The post office doesn't make mistakes. So if our customers start nominating their anuses... Anuses? Ana-susses? Ay-ni?

TOM: I don't think ay-ni sounds right.

POSTWOMAN: No me neither. Don't suppose it's a dictionary you're having delivered is it?

TOM: No, sorry.

POSTWOMAN: If our customers start nominating their bum holes as their safe location then that is to where we shall deliver. Now if you don't want this I'll have no choice but to return it to sender.

TOM: No I need that now! It's my new passport and I've got a flight to Bombay tomorrow.

POSTWOMAN: Only if this package catches a flight to Bum Bay today.

TOM: (GIVES A FRUSTRATED CRY) Ok, but... be gentle.

POSTWOMAN: I work for the post office sir. We handle fragile items every day. (She spits in her hand) Now bend over.

TOM FACES THE AUDIENCE AND BENDS OVER. THE POSTWOMAN MIMES EASING THE PACKAGE UP HIS ARSE. TOM WINCES.

POSTWOMAN: Easy does it...

TOM: Ow......Ow... Ow.

POSTWOMAN: Holiday is it?

TOM: What?

POSTWOMAN: Bombay?

TOM: No., it's a work thing. Ow. Might go on holiday next month. Somewhere warm. Maybe the Canary (high) IIIIS-lands.

POSTWOMAN: Sorry about that, some of these stamps are jaggy as f***.

TOM: Ow! Exactly how far up does it have to go before it counts as delivered?

POSTWOMAN: Nearly there. Deep breath. (Struggles) Hang on. There's something up here already? (Astonished) It's another package! (Gasps) A registered delivery package!

TOM: (INNOCENTLY) Oh. I wonder how that got in there.

POSTWOMAN: I knew it! These are your delivery instructions. You're that weirdo aren't you?

TOM: (PAUSE, MEEKLY) Yes! I admit it! I'm not ashamed! I'm a man trapped inside the body of a postbox.

POSTWOMAN: Is that... a thing?

TOM: It is now! They told me it was wrong. Wrong to paint myself red and cling to a pole outside corner shops with my trousers down. (Melodramatic) But that's who I am! I am a postbox and I need mail inside me!

POSTWOMAN: But why up stuff things up your arse? Would it not be easier to, I don't know, just eat junk mail?

TOM: (Faux proud) I hadn't thought of that!

POSTWOMAN: This is f***ed up. I'm outta here you filthy perv!

THE POSTWOMAN LEAVES

MAN: Tesco delivery for Nolan. Where do you want these jumbo cucumbers mate? Front door or round the back?

TOM LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE COYLY, BENDS OVER
SLIGHTLY AND PUTS A FINGER TO HIS LIPS.

Congratulations on a professionally-run event with detailed feedback.

Hi guys, the Beyond A Joke live sketch show has been up and running now for six months and we'll be doing a Best Of Beyond A Joke show on the 9th of June to celebrate for anyone who happens to be in Glasgow on that date. But really I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to submit material and been so gracious with any feedback I've offered, even if it wasn't always as positive as they might have hoped for.

So far I've read and responded to 202 scripts from 37 different writers and many of the sketches and ideas have been just terrific. I've been able to use quite a few of those sketches in the show and even found a few writers who I feel I can rely on to deliver consistently good material - it's a wonderful feeling when there's a deadline to come up with a running order and you're still one sketch short only to check your inbox and find an email from one of these guys!

Another reason for this post is that in reading those 200 plus sketches I found myself giving writers the same type of feedback time and time again. So, because so many of you seemed to find this feedback helpful or otherwise agreed with it I've decided to summarise it below in case anyone else finds it useful. I'm not looking for folk to agree or disagree with any of this; I'm merely putting forward my own solutions to the most common mistakes and problems I found in the material I received and hopefully someone else might find some value in it. So here goes:

BEYOND A JOKE - MOST FREQUENT MISTAKES IN SKETCHES AND HOW TO FIX THEM. IF I MAY BE SO BOLD...

Make sure there are jokes in your sketches. And lots of them. Read your sketch out loud in front of people and you'll be surprised at how many bald spots there are.

Don't just have jokes. Setup followed by a gag followed by setup followed by a gag is going to feel wearisome after 30 seconds. You need to feel the sketch building to a comedy crescendo. Tell a funny story with snappy, dialogue that has a start, a middle and above all a killer ending that leaves the audience laughing. And laughing hard. Too many sketches I saw had nice, amusing endings, soft endings that were good enough to produce a nodding smile of approval or a maybe even a titter. But a sketch show audience needs to be left with a big laugh.

Write your sketch, admire it lovingly for a while - and then write the whole damn thing all over again from the beginning. I've yet to see a sketch written by anyone that wasn't much better after at least one redraft. At least one. You might find more jokes, better dialogue, you might find long passages that could be trimmed or cut out altogether or you might even find a better punchline. But what you will definitely find is a better version of the sketch you were previously convinced was already perfect.

CUT!!!! 75% of the sketches I read were severely overwritten. Do you really need that line? Is that character really necessary? What do they add to the sketch that could've be added by killing them off and giving their lines to one of the main characters?

No one speaks like that, it sounds fake. Find a less contrived, less expositional way for your characters to speak to each other.

Build comedic tension and keep building it until that tension is finally released with a great big punchline ending, the comedy crescendo. A sketch about a man visiting a therapist because his doctor suggested he do so is ok. But a man visiting a therapist because he's trying to be released from a mental hospital after twenty five years has much higher stakes and more comic potential. I would argue.

Surprise the audience. Very often it was pretty obvious where a particular sketch was going to go or even how it was going to end. But when you wrongfoot a reader (or an audience) with something unexpected there's comedy gold in them thar... lines. I'm not saying you need to be weird and wacky and go all left field with your comedy. Just make sure the audience can't see where the next funny is coming from.

By far the most frequent note I gave to writers was that I liked their basic idea and there were some funnies to be enjoyed but just not enough of them and not enough really good funnies. All too often I was able to suggest other gags or unexplored comedic avenues which the writer couldn't believe they had missed. I'm not a genius (well, not until the certificate arrives in the post), this is simply where rewriting becomes crucial (see above). Look again. Go the extra mile when searching for funnies in any given comedy scenario. You've come up with one good gag, great. But are you sure you haven't missed an opportunity for another one? A better one? Assume there is at least one other top gag in there and you'll probably find it. Chances are your mate down the pub could think of that first gag as well if he or she tried. But could they come up with the second, less obvious but better gag? A comedy writer could. That's you that is.

One final thought. There's no set script layout you need to use but if it looked something like this it does make scripts easier to follow. If a script is laid out in an odd format chances are a reader is going to be too busy figuring out who's saying what to whom to enjoy it as much as you'd like him to. Or her.

There's every chance this format is going to be messed up once this is posted so in that even have a look at the sketch above posted by The Producer. That'll work too. And if I've made any mistakes while writing this or repeated myself or repeated myself it's because this whole post is a first draft. I should probably have written it twice. At least.

By the way, we're still looking for sketches...

SAMPLE SCRIPT FORMAT:
Courtier: (Shouting) Oh yay, oh yay! Make way for his Royal Highness King Henry the Eighth! (Beat) Make more way than that; the King hath let himself go of late, oh yay!

Chemist: Your Majesty!!!! What an honour it is to have you visit my humble chemist shop. Pray, how may I serve you?

Henry: Good day to you to Shopkeep!

Courtier: Oh yay.

Henry: We have come to this out of the way apothecary on a matter of the greatest import - and the utmost delicacy.

Chemist: Have no fear sire. My lips are sealed.

Courtier: As are the Queen's - that is His Majesty's problem. Access denied if you take my meaning.