Dark comedy short Page 2

Quote: sootyj @ 20th January 2015, 11:11 PM GMT

It's an interesting story but you seem to be trying to pack a half hour minisode into a 10 minute short.

So up until the half way point there's this neat little script about mysterious bath times and a failing relationship.

And then it turns into a much slower, story with lots of explanation and narration. Building it up a somehow unsatisfying bloody climax.

There's also a feeling that the dialogue should be witty and dark and yet it feels somehow functional.

It's certainly an entertaining idea packed into 10 minutes, but you know could be fiddled with.

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Yes - I'm going to re-visit some of the dialogue - less is more, probably.
I also agree it has a pacing issue in the last third - I'm wondering whether we need more 'passage of time' in this section (filmically speaking) - so it won't actually be longer but might feel so.
I like the ending.
So there!

Thanks for great feedback, guys.
Might post a revision in a few days.

Might be worth submitting as a Crackanory story?
The lines -

Can a bath taunt you?
Is that even possible?

And

This is what it must feel like being born...

Aren't dialogue and so might work well as a narrated passage?

Them a bubble from the depth. - I assume should be - then a bubble...

And as to the end, you can't beat a floating eye, especially one still blinking...
I also thought the ley line link a little weak and would suggest that the houses were built on an ancient sacred bog/spring/or well might be more appropriate.

Enjoyed the filmic quality of the writing and the original idea. Could easily see this as a short film or extended to an episode of Inside No 9.

Ta, Playful - thanks for reading.
Consider the "Ley line" line gone!
It's such a nutty concept that to even slightly explain it is a waste of words.
Hadn't thought of a short story version - might just give that a go.
Thanks for typo and other comments.

Hi Lazzard,

Have probably come to this a bit late but I enjoyed reading it. I liked it and was surprised by the way it turned. A few things that caught my eye:

Page 1
Should there be a transition between Toby standing up and then being dressed, it seemed a bit sudden to me.

Similarly with the cut to the front door but Marc already mentioned this I think.

Page 2
The scene is on the Upstairs Landing and then Toby moves into the bedroom after we see the bed. I was a little stalled by this and wondered if the scene heading should be Landing/Bedroom or even Landing then Bedroom?

Page 3
And your wet not you're wet.

Page 9
I was confused by the layout of the flats if Toby's bathroom was sandwiched between David and Katy's. I think maybe just loosing the direction 'the opposite side to David's' would do it. But this may just be me as I design houses when I'm not writing.

Page 11
Almost black it burst, should be bursts I think.

I know you like the ending as it is but I thought some sort of premeditation might work, for example, if Katy's friend commented on how she needed a new kitchen or bathroom or whatever and said you'll have to give me your builders number and Katy says I'll introduce you, he lives next door' before cutting back to Toby's bathroom. It's clearly a dark piece and I think it would benefit from being as dark as possible.

I thought, in general, some of the dialogue was not as natural as it could be but as it's a first draft that's probably as expected.

On the whole, nice piece.

Thanks for reading.

As this is going straight to directors, I'm less worried about those passage of time issues - I think they'll be read as cuts, if you know what I mean.

I'm addressing both those layout questions - needs to be clearer.

Slowly paring down the dialogue - some of it's a bit on the nose at the moment but, as you say, that's all part of the process...

Spelling/grammar errors addressed - many thanks.

Not sure I buy the 'premeditation' - I don't think, within the length of the piece, there's really time to develop anything meaningful.

Glad you enjoyed it.

I thought it was funny, well done