Anyone fancy reading through a 10-page short film?
I like the premis - so I'm looking for more of a technical read, to be honest.
Does it flow, do you get it, pace etc - and any glaring errors, of course.
All comments welcome.
I've attached a Dropbox link - but you don't need to have dropbox to read it, though I imagine they'll try and sell it to you while you're there!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/n0assdwmv0xvyii/The%20Bath%20-%20Ist%20draft%20with%20cover.pdf?dl=0
It's "Ley-lines".
The reference to Sam being "wet" was unnecessary.
Otherwise I think it's very good.
Hi Lazzard really liked this. Was the flow question a deliberate pun??? Lol. My only take was that it reads to me at least a little overcorrected. I would try and hide the directions in more flowing prose if that makes sense. To be honest though a short film is a different beast, but for people coming to it fresh I personally would look at the stage directions. The jump to the outside door is a bit sharp as well, slightly disorientating. Some other visual clue to time passing before that shot. Also I would look at the image system within the piece, maybe have some element of water in every scene. It's raining for example when he is outside his front door. Maybe the rain is threatening to diaphanousise his neighbours shirt. Sex and water. Layer it all in.
And as a footnote ignoring what you ask for - if I was writing it I would probably add a scene in the bath at the end with Sam and David, no dialogue probably rather than the bubble with the blood.
I have the camera to make it if you have the bath! lol
I am going to make a short - soon. So well done for posting - very motivating! 
Another technical point. Lose the cost and time etc of an additional set up by having the neighbours scenes set in the kitchen. The coming in drying her hands etc seems a little contrived. But then you lose the surprise element I guess, maybe have part of the kitchen neutral, so we don;t know where we are... we hear running water etc. Then the turn to reveal and the explanation. Maybe misdirect the audience with totally innocent conversation that they think the women are going to take a bath together. I thought that was the idea you were heading to when David and Toby were looking at the neighbour AND a friend. I know she is there so the neighbour can articulate but make her work as well and use her to layer the experience as it were.
Thanks Tiggy - would you believe I added the 'wet' line just seconds before posting - wasn't quite sure about it.
It's gone - you're right - it's not needed.
MarcP.
Good spot on the cut to outdoor - something was niggling me there.
It needs work.
And I like the idea of symbolic use of water throughout.
Personally, I prefer the irony of Sam thinking Toby might be coming round, when in fact he's mincemeat.
Also considered an ending with David chuckling to himself, but that felt a bit to' neat.
Thanks to you both for getting back so quick.
I'm sending this out to a few ad directors I know, in the hope that they fancy it as a test piece for longer format.
EDIT
Good follow up points, Marc.
As always with these things, we'd probably end up writing around what ever location we can blag.
Just added a bi moret. I will rewrite your dialogue for you in a bit too lol! Only kidding
See above.
Quote: Tiggy @ 12th January 2015, 12:03 PM GMTIt's "Ley-lines".
Never knew that.
Thanks again.
Why not get David in the bath with the two women at the end!! I think humour should be your out rather than horror personally.
As to the shooting, genuine offer and I can play David too of course subject to other casting approval.
Quote: Marc P @ 12th January 2015, 12:16 PM GMTWhy not get David in the bath with the two women at the end!! I think humour should be your out rather than horror personally.
As to the shooting, genuine offer and I can play David too of course subject to other casting approval.
Would you require a body-double.
You know, for the dick scenes?
No but I would require warm water!!!
That old excuse....
Quote: Lazzard @ 12th January 2015, 12:16 PM GMT
See above.
"It's "Ley-lines"."
Never knew that.
Thanks again.
To be pedantic I believe they should just be called "Leys", but common usage is "ley Lines".
Just read this, thought it was really good fun. Very much liked the way the directions were written, made it easy to visualise.
Tiny pedantic point: it says "your mad", not "you're mad" on p6. 
Quote: gappy @ 20th January 2015, 8:14 PM GMTJust read this, thought it was really good fun. Very much liked the way the directions were written, made it easy to visualise.
Tiny pedantic point: it says "your mad", not "you're mad" on p6.
Glad you thought it read well,
Your (got it right that time!) point is not pedantic - dumb mistakes like that really rile readers.
Thanks,
It's an interesting story but you seem to be trying to pack a half hour minisode into a 10 minute short.
So up until the half way point there's this neat little script about mysterious bath times and a failing relationship.
And then it turns into a much slower, story with lots of explanation and narration. Building it up a somehow unsatisfying bloody climax.
There's also a feeling that the dialogue should be witty and dark and yet it feels somehow functional.
It's certainly an entertaining idea packed into 10 minutes, but you know could be fiddled with.
I see what you mena, Sooty - my first thought was that it could be longer. But the fantasy concept behind it is so random, I don't know if it could stretch to a full 30 mins without our engagement breaking. I don't think we should have time to start working out how this crazy transmat plumbing might work, otherwise we'd start to pick holes in it.
As it is, I think it works really well. 