Health and Joy Scene 1

Episode 1 (All together in the Altogether!)

SCENE1 THE GYM MAIN FITNESS SUITE

MARIS IS ON A RUNNING MACHINE AND IS CLEARLY OUT OF PUFF AS SHE IS RUNNING AND SIPPING FROM THE STRAW OF A DRINK ON THE RUNNING MACHINE
TOM AND MARTA ARE WATCHING FROM A CORNER

ON THE WALLS THE PLASMA SCREENS ARE SHOWING BBC 24, IT'S AN EPISODE OF SOAP OPERA Cockneys.
BERNADETTA IS IN IT, DRESSED AS A BLOUSY COCKNEY LAND LADY IN HER 80S, IT PLAYS SILENTLY.

MARTA
How long has she been going?

TOM
About an hour sweetie... poor thing

MARTA
Why doesn't she just turn off the machine?

TOM
She can't, it's a new program; it's linked to the electronic menu at the restaurant. If you order a whole egg instead of white egg omelet you're there until you've lost 300 calories, which is a little bit harder if you've got 0% body fat.

MARTA
That would explain the milkshake. Shame there's no popcorn.

TOM
There aren't a lot of calories in them?

MARTA
Not what I meant; for me this is the best show since the cat gave birth, posh cow.

SONIA WALKS IN IN A DOWDY OUTFIT AND A BIG JACKET, DOESN'T NOTICE TOM OR MARTA, UNZIPS HER COAT AS SHE IS ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE CHANGING ROOM, REVEALING SHE IS WEARING A SUBWAY UNIFORM.

TOM
Hello stranger, moonlighting as a sous chef?

SONIA
Erm no it's my football team, they're sponsored by Subway and this is their warm up kit.

MARTA
They're paying so much sponsorship they play in Subway uniforms?

SONIA
Erm yes this is true, Dynamo Vladivostock, great team but very, very poor. They are called the sandwich makers, our football chant is "We're going to win, do you want pickles with that?"

MARIS
Um, excuse me? If it's not too much trouble, could somebody help me, only I think I might be about to die.

TOM
Oh you're fine darling, it resets automatically in an hour.

SONIA
No she's not, look
TOM, MARTA, SONIA ALL GAZE AT THE RUNNING MACHINE ON THE HANDLE IS A BIG RED TOWEL WITH A 'B' ON IT

TOM
Lady B's booked it.

SONIA
Oh this is bad, the last time someone borrowed one of her machines-

MARTA
-They got £5,000 worth of free plastic surgery on their face and all their weaves pulled out, disgraceful.

TOM
Along with the original hair.

TOM'S WALKIE-TALKIE BUZZES
TOM ANSWERS IT

TOM
It's a code B.

MARIS
What are you darlings talking about? Only I would sort of appreciate being helped. I mean I pay a lot of money for this gym and I think even V gyms include not dying in their services.

CUT TO BERNADETTA IMPERIOUSLY WALKING IN THE FRONT OF THE GYM, DESK STAFF ETC SEEM TO PULL AWAY FROM HER.

TOM
I've got a plan...

SONIA, TOM, MARTA HUDDLE DOWN AND WHISPER TOGETHER AS IF PLANNING A SPORTS MOVE.

SCENE1.1
BERNADETTE IS IN THE CORRIDOR JUST OUTSIDE THE EXERCISE HALL. MARTA IS MOPPING THE FLOOR: EACH TIME BERNADETTA TRYS TO GET PAST SHE MOPS THAT SPOT, EACH TIME SHE MOPS SHE SAYS SOMETHING TO BERNADETTE WHO LOOKS INCREASINGLY FURIOUS

MARTA
So how's the show going? Ooh I cried when you got barred from your own pub... you're just like an ordinary person.

SCENE 1.2
BACK IN THE GYM SONIA AND TOM ARE ON EITHER SIDE OF MARRIS'S RUNNING MACHINE

TOM
Right, shoes untied.

SONIA
Check

TOM
3, 2

SONIA
1

TOM AND SONIA PUT THEIR HANDS DOWN ON MARRIS'S TRAINERS TOGETHER
MARIS FALLS OFF THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE

TOM
Darling, honey, are you ok?

MARIS
I can't see; it's all gone black.

TOM
Did you hit your head?

SONIA
Oh my, is she blinded? What have we done Tom?

SONIA IS HOLDING UP MARRIS'S BROKEN SUNGLASSES, TOM LOOKS AND SEE'S THAT MARRIS IS COVERING HER EYES WITH HER HANDS.

SONIA
What is that, did we squish her brains?

SONIA IS BEING COVERED IN A NASTY STICKY MESS, SHE LOOKS UP AND SEES IT IS THE REMAINS OF MARRIS'S MILKSHAKE WHICH BERNADETTA IS SQUEEZING IN HER FIST.

BERNADETTA
My machine.

Hi Sootyj,

I found this funny in places, but my main fb is that I had to read it through a fair few times to grasp who was who, exactly what the action was and what the dialogue meant - which detracted from the comedy. This in part, will be down to me being a simpleton - but I think you could perhaps make it clearer in the re-write. I'll try and give some examples...

MARIS IS ON A RUNNING MACHINE AND IS CLEARLY OUT OF PUFF AS SHE IS RUNNING AND SIPPING FROM THE STRAW OF A DRINK ON THE RUNNING MACHINE
TOM AND MARTA ARE WATCHING FROM A CORNER

Really simple thing, but maybe mention that Tom and Marta are staff at the gym - they should be working. And that Maris is sipping from a milkshake, specifically. It paints a clearer picture of the scene/takes away the ambiguity straight away, meaning you can just enjoy the dialogue.

Another small point, but I wasn't sure at first whether Sonia played for her team in the UK, or was a supporter of her team back home? I reluctantly change the below, just to show what I mean. It may be totally unnecessary!

TOM
Hello stranger, moonlighting as a sous chef?

SONIA
Erm, no Tom. It's my football team back in Russia; they're sponsored by Subway.

MARTA
They're paying so much sponsorship, your team play in Subway uniforms?

SONIA
Sadly yes, Dynamo Vladivostock are very very poor. People call us the sandwich makers...(chants) "We're going to win, do you want pickles with that?"

***

There's a few instances like the above, language/wording, which just make things a tad more difficult to follow.

The one other thing, is that I found the crux of the plot slightly unbelievable, in that there's a big red towel on the machine that Tom and Marta obviously recognise. As soon as they do, and I picture the thing on the treadmill - my first thought is "They would have seen that right at the beginning"

You could fix this, via a reveal of some kind? Perhaps MARIS has put her towel on top of B's to conceal it. SHe's sweating like a bitch, so lifts her towel to mop her brow. Then you have a gasp moment/oh shucks, B's booked the machine.

Anyways, I think there's something here but (as with anything and everything!) it needs a few more re-writes.

Hope that's not too critical, all the best with it.
Will

very helpful thanks I may make adjustments

Hi Soots, nice to see you posting sitcoms!

Couple of thoughts:

1. I would ditch the name Maris. It is too connected with Frasier.

2. Completely agree with Will's comments re clarity, particularly re the identity of Tom and Marta.

3. I think Tom and Marta are a bit samey at the moment. There is nothing in the opening exchanges that gives much away about their characters.

4. I am currently a big fan of people doing things. I have watched a lot of TBBT over Christmas (limited TV channels at home) and noticed that in every single scene every character is doing something - eating, making toast, playing on the Wii, fetching something, whatever. Often the action is unconnected with the dialogue. I would make Tom and Marta less static.

5. It feels a bit banter-like at the moment. Time for some story.

6. I think some of the jokes/dialogue could be tighter. e.g. the Subway stuff.

It has a nice Brittas Empire feel to it though - and I LOVED the Brittas Empire.

again appreciated will bear in mind

that said there is a lot of action and I'm sure script writers don't include every single bit of action.

I think there's a bit of myth on here about being overly descriptive when it comes to action. I'm not talking about you/or this piece of work Sootyj, but it seems an apt enough place to discuss. On here I've often read stuff like "You don't need to go into real detail about the action, let the actors being it to life" or "you need to establish the plot and all the characters in the first couple of pages - lose some action" How will it ever get made if someone reading it can't gather what the heck is going on!

I don't know whether some are confusing exposition in terms of plot via characters, which of course is bad in most cases, with making sure the picture is clear from scene to scene - but it's all got to be there.

I'm a complete dullard for quoting Graham Linehan, but he is amazing so I'll give myself a (small) break. I'm paraphrasing/remembering this off the top of my noggin here...

"I get alot of scripts and usually I make it to the second page, because there's so many mistakes in the first two pages. And when I go up to the writer after I'll say "I don't really understand why that guy started talking, and he wasn't introduced, I didn't really know who he was" and he'll say "oh well, basically he's there because--" NO no no, it has to be in the script, it all has to be in the script. Even amongst writers there's this idea that scripts are made of dialogue, they're not. There's beats of action and they have to be very well and clearly described"

Again, this isn't referencing this work at all but I think because people are desperate to prove their worth so early in a script, or get the characters/plot established - they sacrifice clarity for the sake of 'getting on with it'. Fact is if the action reads well, is funny, and compliments the dialogue people will keep reading. It's equally as important.

Quote: sootyj @ 4th January 2015, 11:09 AM GMT

Episode 1 (All together in the Altogether!)
V2

SCENE1 THE GYM MAIN FITNESS SUITE

MARIS IS ON A RUNNING MACHINE AND IS CLEARLY OUT OF PUFF AS SHE IS RUNNING AND SIPPING FROM THE STRAW OF A DRINK ON THE RUNNING MACHINE, MARIS IS 50 SOMETHING IN 1000 POUND JUICY, COUTURE SWEAT SUIT/ONESIE, GIANT BLACK WRAP AROUND SHADES AND A REMARKABLY UGLY WORK OUT HAT USUALLY WORN BY THOSE WITH ALOPECIA, THERE IS A RED TOWEL ON THE FRONT OF HER MACHINE WHICH STICKS OUT LIKE SOME SORT OF WARNING

TOM AND MARTA ARE WATCHING FROM A CORNER TOM IS 20 SOMETHING, TANNED, FIT, PRETTY BOY, WHO RESSEMBLE A GAY REIMAGINING OF A KEN DOLL. MARTA IS 30 SOMETHING, ATHLETIC MUSCULAR, HER ARMS WOULD LOOK LIKE LEGS IF HER LEGS DIDN'T LOOK LIKE MUSCULAR PISTONS. ONE IMAGINES SHE CARRYS HER CAR HOME FOR LIGHT EXERCISE UP A HILL

ON THE WALLS THE PLASMA SCREENS ARE SHOWING BBC 24, IT'S AN EPISODE OF SOAP OPERA Cockneys.
BERNADETTA IS IN IT, DRESSED AS A BLOUSY COCKNEY LAND LADY IN HER 80S, IT PLAYS SILENTLY.

AS THEY TALK TOM HALF HEARTEDLY POLISHES EQUIPMENT IN THE GYM WITH A FLANNEL, GIVING THE UNSUCCESFUL IMPRESSION OF BEING BUSY

MARTA STANDS IMOBILE GIVING THE IMPRESSION OF A COILED SPRING IN SOME GREAT PIECE OF INDUSTRIAL MACHINERY

THOUGH TOM IS MOVING AWAY FROM MARTA, THE QUIET OF THE GYM AND HER BOOMING VOICE MEANS THEY CAN BE HEARD WITHOUT SHOUTING

MARTA
How long has she been going?

TOM
About an hour sweetie... poor thing

MARTA
Why doesn't she just turn off the machine?

TOM
She can't, it's a new program; it's linked to the electronic menu at the restaurant. If you order a whole egg instead of white egg omelet you're there until you've lost 300 calories, which is a little bit harder if you've got 0% body fat.

MARTA
That would explain the milkshake. Shame there's no popcorn.

TOM
There aren't a lot of calories in them?

MARTA
Not what I meant; for me this is the best show since the cat gave birth, posh cow.

SONIA WALKS IN IN A DOWDY OUTFIT AND A BIG JACKET, DOESN'T NOTICE TOM OR MARTA, UNZIPS HER COAT AS SHE IS ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE CHANGING ROOM, REVEALING SHE IS WEARING A SUBWAY UNIFORM. SONIA IS AVERAGELY PRETTY IN A BLONDE, POLISH SORT OF WAY

TOM STOPS POLISHING AND OBSERVES SONIA IN A NEUTRAL SORT OF WAY

TOM
Hello stranger, moonlighting as a sous chef?

SONIA
Erm no it's my football team, they're sponsored by Subway and this is their warm up kit.

SONIA COVERS HER BODY WITH HER ARMS AS IF CAUGHT NAKED

MARTA
They're paying so much sponsorship they play in Subway uniforms?

SONIA
Erm yes this is true, Dynamo Vladivostock, great team but very, very poor. They are called the sandwich makers, our football chant is "We're going to win, do you want pickles with that?"

MARIS
Um, excuse me? If it's not too much trouble, could somebody help me, only I think I might be about to die.

MARTA, SONIA AND TOM STOP AND LOOK ON WITH INTEREST

TOM
Oh you're fine darling, it resets automatically in an hour.

SONIA
No she's not, look
TOM, MARTA, SONIA ALL GAZE AT THE RUNNING MACHINE ON THE HANDLE IS A BIG RED TOWEL WITH A 'B' ON IT

TOM
Lady B's booked it.

SONIA
Oh this is bad, the last time someone borrowed one of her machines-

MARTA
-They got £5,000 worth of free plastic surgery on their face and all their weaves pulled out, disgraceful.

TOM
Along with the original hair.

TOM'S WALKIE-TALKIE BUZZES
TOM ANSWERS IT

TOM
It's a code B.

MARIS
What are you darlings talking about? Only I would sort of appreciate being helped. I mean I pay a lot of money for this gym and I think even V gyms include not dying in their services.

CUT TO BERNADETTA IMPERIOUSLY WALKING IN THE FRONT OF THE GYM, DESK STAFF ETC SEEM TO PULL AWAY FROM HER.

TOM
I've got a plan...

TOM INDICATES FOR SONIA AND MARTA TO COME TO HIM

SONIA, TOM, MARTA HUDDLE DOWN AND WHISPER TOGETHER AS IF PLANNING A SPORTS MOVE.

SCENE1.1
BERNADETTE IS IN THE CORRIDOR JUST OUTSIDE THE EXERCISE HALL. MARTA IS MOPPING THE FLOOR: EACH TIME BERNADETTA TRYS TO GET PAST SHE MOPS THAT SPOT, EACH TIME SHE MOPS SHE SAYS SOMETHING TO BERNADETTE WHO LOOKS INCREASINGLY FURIOUS

MARTA
So how's the show going? Ooh I cried when you got barred from your own pub... you're just like an ordinary person.

SCENE 1.2
BACK IN THE GYM SONIA AND TOM ARE ON EITHER SIDE OF MARRIS'S RUNNING MACHINE

TOM
Right, shoes untied.

SONIA
Check

TOM
3, 2

SONIA
1

TOM AND SONIA PUT THEIR HANDS DOWN ON MARRIS'S TRAINERS TOGETHER
MARIS FALLS OFF THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE

TOM
Darling, honey, are you ok?

MARIS
I can't see; it's all gone black.

TOM
Did you hit your head?

SONIA
Oh my, is she blinded? What have we done Tom?

SONIA IS HOLDING UP MARRIS'S BROKEN SUNGLASSES, TOM LOOKS AND SEE'S THAT MARRIS IS COVERING HER EYES WITH HER HANDS.

SONIA
What is that, did we squish her brains?

SONIA IS BEING COVERED IN A NASTY STICKY MESS, SHE LOOKS UP AND SEES IT IS THE REMAINS OF MARRIS'S MILKSHAKE WHICH BERNADETTA IS SQUEEZING IN HER FIST.

BERNADETTA
My machine.

View original

Some edits

Quote: Wills @ 5th January 2015, 5:23 PM GMT

I think there's a bit of myth on here about being overly descriptive when it comes to action. I'm not talking about you/or this piece of work Sootyj, but it seems an apt enough place to discuss. On here I've often read stuff like "You don't need to go into real detail about the action, let the actors being it to life" or "you need to establish the plot and all the characters in the first couple of pages - lose some action" How will it ever get made if someone reading it can't gather what the heck is going on!

I don't know whether some are confusing exposition in terms of plot via characters, which of course is bad in most cases, with making sure the picture is clear from scene to scene - but it's all got to be there.

I'm a complete dullard for quoting Graham Linehan, but he is amazing so I'll give myself a (small) break. I'm paraphrasing/remembering this off the top of my noggin here...

"I get alot of scripts and usually I make it to the second page, because there's so many mistakes in the first two pages. And when I go up to the writer after I'll say "I don't really understand why that guy started talking, and he wasn't introduced, I didn't really know who he was" and he'll say "oh well, basically he's there because--" NO no no, it has to be in the script, it all has to be in the script. Even amongst writers there's this idea that scripts are made of dialogue, they're not. There's beats of action and they have to be very well and clearly described"

Again, this isn't referencing this work at all but I think because people are desperate to prove their worth so early in a script, or get the characters/plot established - they sacrifice clarity for the sake of 'getting on with it'. Fact is if the action reads well, is funny, and compliments the dialogue people will keep reading. It's equally as important.

View original

Interesting point

Pretty much completely disagree

If I'm failing to get my point over its a failure of dialogue and direction not directions

Most sitcom scripts are little more than dialogue and basic descriptions and they do look a lot like that.

Don't do the directors job for them. Your dialogue and basic descriptions should be enough to paint a picture that the reader can work with.

If I've failed in that regard, it's something for me to work on. But it's not by stuffing it with micromanaging directions.

The kind of scripts you're describing are the ones where the rigid, description of the action has killed off any readers interest.

Quote: Jennie @ 5th January 2015, 1:24 PM GMT

3. I think Tom and Marta are a bit samey at the moment. There is nothing in the opening exchanges that gives much away about their characters.
.

View original

I think I'd agree with this. I'd like to get thesense that they're very very different, and perhaps tease each other or fight at work, but then they forget all that and unite when they spot the Bernadette problem.

Good stuff, though, I was certainly interested, and the football chant made me laugh.

I actually found it easy to follow. It became clear who Tom and Martha were from the dialogue a little bit in.
Introducing five characters is tricky but I think you managed to give a nice little scene there. I would have liked to have know if Sonja is a actually moonlighting at Subways, I wasn't sure? something for later on maybe and would maybe lead to some interesting subplots.

The added descriptions do add a bit of interest but I agree that if it were me writing a sitcom (one day!) I'd try and establish the atmosphere through the events and dialogue and wouldn't clog it up with too may descriptions or directions.

fair enough, each to their own! I'm not talking about 'all' direction for the sake of it mind, but action that adds to the comedy and/or paints a picture that allows the reader to breath & enter into the atmosphere you're creating. As you say Shandonbelle, you'd try and establish the atmosphere "through the events and dialogue" What are events, and where do they appear on paper scripts? These are the things/the action we can't visualise through dialogue alone and they need to be written down. 'Added' descriptions and directions, as you say, can all be tossed I agree!!

Incidently sootyj,this doesn't 'fail' in any respect and though it's on this thread I don't for a minute think your script in particular needs loads more action. In fact most of it is very clear, it just seemed a good place to have a discussion about it - hope you didn't mind me hijacking a tad.

W

I suppose I see 'events' in this one as someone on a treadmill, so action there, two nosey parker gym workers looking on and commenting from the sidelines.
The bit with the mop reads as funny action, which takes us into finding out that Bernadette is a tough cookie customer who is given priority over someone more lowly like Maris.
It's giving us information about the characters by letting events (there's that word again!) unfold.

Quote: Wills @ 5th January 2015, 7:13 PM GMT

fair enough, each to their own! I'm not talking about 'all' direction for the sake of it mind, but action that adds to the comedy and/or paints a picture that allows the reader to breath & enter into the atmosphere you're creating. As you say Shandonbelle, you'd try and establish the atmosphere "through the events and dialogue" What are events, and where do they appear on paper scripts? These are the things/the action we can't visualise through dialogue alone and they need to be written down. 'Added' descriptions and directions, as you say, can all be tossed I agree!!

Incidently sootyj,this doesn't 'fail' in any respect and though it's on this thread I don't for a minute think your script in particular needs loads more action. In fact most of it is very clear, it just seemed a good place to have a discussion about it - hope you didn't mind me hijacking a tad.

W

View original

It's all good stuff it's good to see someone kicking off a discussion again, this place has sorely needed it.

Though some of the pet hates have been going for ages.

Probably the biggest is;

TOM CLEARLY BASED ON THE AUTHOR A LOVEABLE LOSER GETS UP BED AND PULLS BACK THE SHEETS TO REVEAL JENNY BIG TITS HIS SUPER MODEL GIRLFRIEND

JENNY
Morning Tom are you staring at my big tits

TOM
Yes amazing after I've been shagging you all night

JENNY
Hey Tom tell me one of your hilarious jokes.

TOM
Knock knock

JENNY
Stop talking about my tits and tell me a joke.

MR WANKERMAN TOM'S EVIL BOSS LEAPS OUT FROM THE CUPBOARD

MR WANKERMAN
Stop shagging your super model girlfriend with big tits Tom and get to work

TOM
Doh.

haha!!

Haven't come across one of those gems yet, I shall look forward to it. I have to admit, the "knock knock" - "stop talking about my tits and tell me a joke" bit actually made me laugh. Doh!

The only time sex is ever useful (in a script) is if it goes horribly wrong. 'Luckily' I have a catacomb of material! It's one of saving graces of comedy; the ridiculous shite that happens to you becomes useful.

My pet hate thus far is shock/bad language for zero reason, resulting in zero comedy. Grrr.

Yeh uneccesary swearing is f**king awful

as is self conciose self contradiction

...and don't get me started on bad spelling!