Professional W****er

BOB IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY JEN AT A DWP JOB CENTRE
JEN
So Bob how's the job search going? How have you found applying 20 jobs a week?
BOB
If I'm honest it's been a struggle, I'm not used to the job market. I had a responsible, a valued a unique job for 2o years. Then boom, bop, bing, bazinga it's gone.
JEN
Yes but Bob can't you try something related or similar? I just got a chap who used to file papers a job in data entry, only a minor bit of retraining.
BOB
That may work for data entry, but I used to masturbate a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo that's now extinct. It's not the same thing now is it?
JEN
Well did you have to put a finger up its anus?
BOB
Yes? What's that got to do with anything?
JEN
It's digital entry you're half way there.
BOB
This is ridiculous; there's a huge difference between sneaking up on a 3000lb apex predator and giving it a quick thumb up the bum and ambushing a pile of paper work.
JEN
I see what you mean.
BOB
Although granted there was a lot of paperwork when Tony reached climax if that helps.
JEN
Tony?
BOB
He was donated to London Zoo when Gordon Brown was PM he thought it was funny.
JEN
Could you not just get a job in a pub?
BOB
I could provided......
JEN
We got you health and safety training?
BOB
I was thinking more if provided, nobody minded me taking a full week to stalk the bar when someone ordered a pint. Giving me adequate time to sneak up the pump and draw a pint of Carling before it ripped my head off and ate my spine.
JEN
Are beer pumps likely to do that?
BOB
No but the Antarctic, rapist, ninja, seal is likely to.
JEN
They would if they weren't fictional. I've wiki'd them and there is no such thing as a Antarcticus raptorem ninja sigillum. Not only that but you're 19 so unless you're a time traveller you weren't working a year before you were born. This is a ridiculous excuse to avoid looking for a real job.
BOB
Busted, oh well good whilst it lasted.
JEN
Still I did find a job that suits you down to the ground. It's perfect for a compulsive lying, massive wanker who's never done an honest days work in his life.
BOB
Awesome what is it?
JEN
Sadly Nigel Farrage is already doing it.
BOB
F**king park life.

I like it. You've missed out the suggestion of fraud though.

Some nice turns of phrase as usual, I think it would have worked better without the topical turn, perhaps as I'd have liked to hear more about the rapist ninja seals.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ 1st January 2015, 10:49 PM GMT

Some nice turns of phrase as usual, I think it would have worked better without the topical turn, perhaps as I'd have liked to hear more about the rapist ninja seals.

View original

Tinders just not working out for you eh?

I really like the idea, but the dialogue is a little clunky as is - a bit reporty (reporting to have Wiki'd, some of the lines sound like lead lines rather than sounding like naturalistic dialogue).

Could you have Bob tell his story in response to more 'normal' job centre questions:

Previous work experience?
Masturbating a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Reason for leaving?
The extinction of a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Any experience with paperwork?
There was a lot of paperwork when Tony reached climax

Transferable skills?
Digital entry

etc.

Quote: sglen @ 2nd January 2015, 12:36 AM GMT

I really like the idea, but the dialogue is a little clunky as is - a bit reporty (reporting to have Wiki'd, some of the lines sound like lead lines rather than sounding like naturalistic dialogue).

Could you have Bob tell his story in response to more 'normal' job centre questions:

Previous work experience?
Masturbating a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Reason for leaving?
The extinction of a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Any experience with paperwork?
There was a lot of paperwork when Tony reached climax

Transferable skills?
Digital entry

etc.

View original

This is nice, it streamlines an already strong idea.

I like the digital entry line whatever the context.

I seem to remember that Ali G had a similar job in the US series...

Quote: sglen @ 2nd January 2015, 12:36 AM GMT

I really like the idea, but the dialogue is a little clunky as is - a bit reporty (reporting to have Wiki'd, some of the lines sound like lead lines rather than sounding like naturalistic dialogue).

Could you have Bob tell his story in response to more 'normal' job centre questions:

Previous work experience?
Masturbating a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Reason for leaving?
The extinction of a dangerous wild animal at London Zoo

Any experience with paperwork?
There was a lot of paperwork when Tony reached climax

Transferable skills?
Digital entry

etc.

View original

Interesting that feels like a different sketch though. I'm not so sure I wanted someone outsmarting the officious office drone.

Quote: sootyj @ 2nd January 2015, 10:52 AM GMT

Interesting that feels like a different sketch though. I'm not so sure I wanted someone outsmarting the officious office drone.

View original

I was thinking you could just start it that way to get into it, then the jobseeker starts making blunders etc...something doesn't quite add up...?

I really like it as a premise :-) The dialogue's great and really funny in parts. I like the short responses from Jen, such as "I see what you mean" - which said in earnest to a ridiculous statement are often the funniest bits.

The only thing I'm not massively keen on is the pay off, really sorry. I know it's en vogue to have a pop at Farrage (and rightly so!) but there's nothing in the build that relates to Farrage in particular. I mean, most politicians are compulsive lying ar*seholes aren't they? The suggestion could just as easily be, "..become a politician" For me the end just tips over the edge in terms of keeping me in the reality/world you've sold me so well too. It sounds pernickety, but Jen says she found a job she knows is already taken, and has been taken for quite a while. With Jen being the one grounded throughout, it jars a little and feels like the punchline's been worked in too much for her.

**FEEL FREE TO TOTALLY DISGARD!!** I don't know if you could do something with the animals he's 'worked' with through the piece, so that their qualities have associations with UKIP? Or something else to tie in the fact that he's suitable to work for the party, at the end. Then it's not just him being a compulsive liar, but identifying with the 'qualities' of UKIP that make him perfect for the job. Or perhaps there's something in animal extinction/political ideas that should be extinct but aren't.

Anyways, I hope that doesn't sound like I don't like it because I surely do! Good luck with it..

Will

thanks that's really good feedback, keep it up we need more people like you.

The original punchline was Russell Brand, do you think that works better.

Thanks Sootyj, no problem!

Haha I think Russell Brand might work yeah! I think you might have to change Jen's closing, instead alluding to the fact that Brand's given himself a job that doesn't exist, just like Bob has at the zoo - rather than there being an actual job that Brand's already taken if that makes sense?