Skit Comp 18 - 28.12.14

Cunning stunts so congratulations to TIGGY and GAPPY for winning. Have a wistful wank on me (not literally) and PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Tiggy, Gappy
Special mention: Judgement Dave, me

Your new subject: REFLECTIONS (chosen by Hart).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.12.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 22 - Gappy
2 - 16 - Hart
3 - 15 - Tiggy
4 - 10 - Craig H
5 - 7 - Otterfox
6 - 5 - Darren Hoskins
7 - 1 - Pugsmith

CARTOON SLIME

NEWSDESK.
PRESENTER Good heaving lezzies and gendermen and welcum to Saturday's Scandal Show, the show about sandals on scattered days. Latest in a long line of celebs accused of paedophilia, kiddie-fiddling or, technically speaking, teeny-bopping is Hollywood superstar, Daffy Duck.
"We were shocked by the allegations," says a Warner Brother. "Daffy started working with us seventy years ago and without plastic surgery, drugs or Heineken still looks as young, healthy and fun as ever: a true example to a nation's youth... Maybe he needs to see a quack."
Police, spies and the scum press had their, um, suspicions raised by an anonymous phone call from Ella F'Time Shit-Stirring, who incested: "Daffy's like the sun: he keeps going down on me. You ever wondered why he talks like that? It'sh dissssstttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhpicable."
Other cunnilingual cartoon culprits include Bugs Bunny: "Buns Buggery, more like. Gives a whole new meaning to the expression, 'What's up, Doc?'"... Yosemite Sam: "The perfect height for a gobble, and it ain't just his pistols shooting off..." Elmer Fudd: "Be vewy qwiet: I'm humping rare bits of skirt."
Practices involve Foghorn Get-Your-Leghorn-Over, Tonguin' Jerry, Scooby Just Did and even Fred Flintstone's infamous Bam-Bam. WIL-MAAAA!
And that really is all, folks.

[HAIRDRESSER, a typical camp young chap, stands behind his chair in a generic town centre salon. He gestures towards the chair]

HAIRDRESSER: Okey-dokey, sir, pop yourself down here.

[Slowly, with great grace, a man in sleek evening dress sits in the chair. He has aristocratic elegance, a haughty demeanour, and large fangs - it's DRACULA, or someone very much like him]

HAIRDRESSER: Now, then. What shall we do with you, hmm? How about a nice blow wave, it will really bring out your eyes.

DRACULA: [East Euro accent, very serious] I require only my customary austere elegance, simply reduce the length, vassal.

HAIRDFRESSER: Just a trim? Alrighty-roo.

[HAIRDRESSER begins clipping the scissors randomly above DRACULA's head - he's nowhere near the hair]

HAIRDRESSER: So, then, off on your holidays this year? Somewhere nice and sunny?

DRACULA: [Slightly awkward] I shall be wintering in the motherland.

HAIRDRESSER: Ooh, skiing with your Mum, is it? Smashing. Ooh, did you see Strictly last night? Head up a smidgen.

[He yanks DRACULA's head into a new position]

DRACULA: [Struggling to retain dignity] I am unaware of the phenomenon.

HAIRDRESSER: Oooh, it was smashing, that Christian Jessen nearly danced off the screen, didn't he?

DRACULA: Is it a televisual broadcast? I do not have the requisite device.

HAIRDRESSER: Yeah, I wish he'd just cha-cha-cha his little self off the box and into my arms, don't you think?

DRACULA: [Flounders, out of his depth for a second] Please, complete your craft in silence, tradesman.

HARIDRESSER: Oh, suit yourself. [A couple more huffy air-snips] Alright, all done, darling.

DRACULA: That seemed uncommonly swift.

HAIRDRESSER: Oh, no, it's all done lovely. Here, take a look, if you don't believe me.

[He holds a hand mirror behind DRACULA's head - of course, there is no reflection there or in the large front mirror]

DRACULA: [Embarassed, and exiting] Erm, right, yes, that will suffice.

HAIRDRESSER: Pay Selina on the way out, lovey. [Giggling to his COLLEAGUE, who comes into shot] Well, that was an easy forty quid!

COLLEAGUE: You naughty thing! You'll get your just desserts one of these days.

HAIRDRESSER: Fat chance.

[Turn camera to show the next customer entering the salon - it is WOLFMAN, the full Lon Chaney, hair everywhere. Reaction shot from HAIRDRESSER. The end. Bye.]

Bugger. Was going to write about a vampire/shaving/mirror sketch.

Oh well.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INTERIOR OF A SHOP SELLING PAINTINGS. A MAN COMES IN WEARING SWISS STYLE HAT, BUSHY MOUSTACHE, LEOPARDSKIN SUIT, RED SPOTTY TIE, WITH A MOHAWK AND A DROOPY PIPE.

ODD MAN:
Hello. I'd like a mirror please.

SHOPKEEPER:
We don't sell mirrors. Only paintings.

ODD MAN:
I do have lots and lots of money!

SHOPKEEPER:
Well I suppose we do have THIS mirror.

THE SHOPKEEPER HOLDS UP A PAINTING THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE ODD MAN. THE ODD MAN ADMIRES HIMSELF.

ODD MAN:
Fantastic. I'll take it!

And I'll also take that mirror of my wife!

THE ODD MAN POINTS TO A PICTURE ON THE WALL OF A SIMILARLY ODDLY DRESSED WOMAN. HE TAKES OUT A BUNDLE OF CASH TO GIVE TO THE SHOPKEEPER. THE SHOPKEEPER GOES TO TAKE DOWN THE SECOND PICTURE AS THE SCENE ENDS.

Blatant bump.

RENEE ZELLWEGER-
I get it, oh "Ghost of Cosmetic Surgeries Yet To Come"...
First I was visited by the Ghost of the career of Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing, who never worked again after her nose job...
Then over the next 3 nights you have shown me visions of what will happen if I have more
unnecessary facial-re-Upholstery...
Last night I thought you had taken me to a Circus Sideshow "Hall of Mirrors", but it was Bette Midler's dressing room in Las Vegas....
And tonite...?
No.... Not Joan Rivers autopsy shots? "Pre" or "Post", I can't tell !
I have learned my lesson....No more!
I just hope I'm unrecognisable enough to escape "Brigit Jones 3"....

As a young Neurologist with very little funding, I found myself having to plant tiny mirrors into the Hippocampus area of my own brain in order to try and prove my theory on ways to improve long term memory.

Unfortunately my experiments where non conclusive, Although I have found it easier to reflect back on my younger days.

Gappy.

I'm voting Tiggy, but with a speical mention for Michael - how on earth do you have the dedication to wring so much filth from one harmless topic? It's impressive.

Gappy this week.

Seems like everybody else has gone off to spend time with their loved ones and families when they should be on here writing and voting.

Disgraceful innit. Results coming...