Very Rough opening...

Hi guys! I'm not sure if this material is good enough as an opener. I would love some feedback. If it's shit maybe someone could give me a few tips and pointers and I'll re-write it and post another version? Who knows... Anyway here we go:-

This is my first gig for a while... I say a while.... I really mean like...forever.
No...

This is a new step for me because, firstly, I thought by doing this I might get a few laughs by talking a whole load bollocks! Cameron and Clegg can get away with it and earn a fortune...why not me?! Oh, wait it's because I'm not a twit! Do I look like a twit to you? (Says this wearing a goofy pair of glasses, multi coloured scarf and a matching hat..) - Rhetorical question...

Anyway, they remind me of Dick Dastardly And Muttley. And they both talk in a language that Clunk would be proud of!

I could talk a whole load of crap for hours and still make sense...when I'm completely rat-faced-drunk on most of the optics behind the bar of course...(pause)...ok one optic...But, if you don't believe me ask my other half...when she gets back from Paris...with one of her many "male" friends....

The other reason I wanted to do this is because it might help my self confidence. It's working...so far...

I made the mistake of telling one of my mates and he give me the worst piece of advice before I came here tonight.
"Just be yourself, I'm sure you'll be fine."

I broke that down into two parts and, thinking about it now... doesn't really help boost my confidence.

I'm thinking, "Who else would I be?! I can't be you, although your face is probably ugly enough to get a few laughs on its own!" And I'm sure instead of "I'm sure you'll be fine.", he really means, "I shagged your misses before she left..."(!)

Hi tears of laughter,
This is my personal response, so if I've misunderstood anything, apologies!
I didn't really get the "no..." bit at the end of the first line, it seems added on and unnecessary.
As for dressing up silly, it's not something I'd do personally, although I kind of do, but it's a but different. Never mind. I just don't think the goofy glasses for the sake of an add on to what is a fairly solid joke (cameron and clegg) is warranted.
The references in the dick dastardly bit kind of went over my head, and because I'm young, I'm guessing my generation won't really get that one. Don't quote me on that though!
The be yourself joke is okay but doesn't flow, and the ugly enough to get a few laughs bit seems a little tired, once again, in my opinion! And I don't think the "shagged your missus" bit really worked as it doesn't link to "I'm sure you'll be fine."

I think your persona as this down on his luck moron is good though, I like it. Just use some clearer jokes to emphasise it.
Best of luck.

Thanks for your input. This was all just thrown together in ten minutes. I thought perhaps it might have been a bit on the dull side. I did write a whole other opening somewhere that I'll post up soon.

Yeah you really need to spend a lot more time on writing than that haha!

Quote: TearsOfLaughter @ 4th December 2014, 9:48 PM GMT

Hi guys! I'm not sure if this material is good enough as an opener. I would love some feedback. If it's shit maybe someone could give me a few tips and pointers and I'll re-write it and post another version? Who knows... Anyway here we go:-

This is my first gig for a while... I say a while.... I really mean like...forever.
No...

This is a new step for me because, firstly, I thought by doing this I might get a few laughs by talking a whole load bollocks! Cameron and Clegg can get away with it and earn a fortune...why not me?! Oh, wait it's because I'm not a twit! Do I look like a twit to you? (Says this wearing a goofy pair of glasses, multi coloured scarf and a matching hat..) - Rhetorical question...

Anyway, they remind me of Dick Dastardly And Muttley. And they both talk in a language that Clunk would be proud of!

I could talk a whole load of crap for hours and still make sense...when I'm completely rat-faced-drunk on most of the optics behind the bar of course...(pause)...ok one optic...But, if you don't believe me ask my other half...when she gets back from Paris...with one of her many "male" friends....

The other reason I wanted to do this is because it might help my self confidence. It's working...so far...

I made the mistake of telling one of my mates and he give me the worst piece of advice before I came here tonight.
"Just be yourself, I'm sure you'll be fine."

I broke that down into two parts and, thinking about it now... doesn't really help boost my confidence.

I'm thinking, "Who else would I be?! I can't be you, although your face is probably ugly enough to get a few laughs on its own!" And I'm sure instead of "I'm sure you'll be fine.", he really means, "I shagged your misses before she left..."(!)

View original

I would drop the Cameron/Clegg bit, as it's a bit predictable (they talk bollocks etc) definitely do NOT wear anything silly, wig, glasses etc. Don't say twit at all, ever.

Also, Dick Dastardly, Mutley and whatever Clunk is - leave them out, not enough people would recognise any of those things for it to get a laugh.

I liked the idea of your other half coming back from Paris with one of her many male 'friends' - that whole paragraph could do with tidying up though I think, don't use the word 'optics' - it's not funny. Use another term for being very drunk, other than 'rat-faced'.

Definitely leave out the last bit, the 'I shagged your missus before she left' line - it's too blokey, and the sort of thing a total idiot would come out with. Avoid.

The key to this opening is self-deprecation and lacking confidence, play to those characteristics and work your ideas around them.

Not bad as a stream of conscious exercise to find your persona in, but it's in need of a bit of tweaking to be stage ready I think.

It sounds to me like a character who would benefit from awkward pauses. Not exactly leaving room for laughter but letting the audience fill in the gaps. Maybe the idea should be that it's obvious your wife is having multiple affairs but you don't see it. "The things left unsaid" and all that.

The one about being yourself has potential. Maybe you could go along the lines of "he's right of course, but I'd spent a bloody fortune on that Batman costume". Something slightly more subtle

No point posting something you've thrown together in ten minutes, stand up comedy takes a lot of work - in many ways you have to treat it like a job to get those first ten minutes of material that works.

It's good you're trying and that you're confident enough to post for feedback, just need more work on the material.