Revamped first five minutes

Bar the intro I completely rewrote the routine, I feel it is safer and even funnier now, though that is up to you! Feedback is, as always, massively appreciated.

I enter with a broken noose round my neck holding a chair leg in one hand and pause before saying

Until very recently, I didn't think I'd be performing tonight.

Pause and look at the chair leg

Everything just broke really, I mean... shit.F**king chair.

That's the last time I go to IKEA- I mean I thought it was anyway but...

Well shit, what do I talk about now.
I'm not joking I have no material here. Maybe this is hell...

Ah, you may be in luck. (I search my pockets frantically, producing a penguin bar)
There we go. Prepare... to be amused.
(reading the joke on the back)
How do penguins get to penguin school?
On their icycles.

pause

On their icycles? What? You see, I have a problem with this. Okay right, so imagine you're riding your bike down a normal, tarmac road, yeah? Pretty easy. Hold on, suddenly the road is ice, because you're in the arctic! Bit more difficult, yeah? Then, as presumably an icycle is a bicycle made of ice, you bike turns to ice. You're having a pretty f**king hard time now aren't you.
Then, as if it weren't difficult enough, you turn into a penguin.
That's where the problem is, really, it's implausible for a penguin to ride a bike made of ice on an ice surface to get to school.
They should do a rewrite.

I know, how do penguins get to penguin hospital?

God, it must be pretty f**king depressing to be the person who writes the penguin jokes mustn't it? An MA in English Literature. An for what? Nobody approaches you and says oh, I really love your work, do they?
(at this point I begin to eat the penguin)
Nobody has your stuff on their headstone if you write jokes for penguins.
Imagine the office, I mean personally in my head it's a super team of failed cloning experiments Tim Vine volunteered for before he made it, but whatever your head conjures up is fine.

Imagine the banter of this miserable office, who can write the best penguin joke, who can write the longest penguin jokes, or who can write the most penguin jokes...

In their suicide note.

(reaching in my pocket)

I've actually got an example here.

(I pull a piece of paper out and unfold it)

Shit that's mine.

(I return it to my pocket and retrieve another)

Right here we go.
(reading from the paper, awkwardly stressing the terrible jokes)

To my friends and family,
I've officially had enough, and have experienced what can only be described as the polar bear minimum of happiness, joy or love for the past year- my sadness however, grows endlessly. I'm in a bad place right now, so forgive me if a don't arcticulate my feelings well. My life as an extremely overqualified pun writer for chocolate bar market leader 'penguin' is dissatisfying to say the least. 3 years of detailed study and a masters, warljust for nothing but writing terrible jokes that children and adults hate alike. This state of affairs in conjunction with other factors, iglooding the worsening of my bi polar bear disorder, habit of recycling jokes and the broken relationship I share with my daughter. It feels to me I am destined to achieve nothing in my personal and professional life, and when Andrea left me... inhuit. So I have opted out. Snow going back. Thank you to my friends and family for tolerating me, and sorry mum for leaving you to p-p-p-pick up the pieces one last time.
Goodbye.

End.

You have some nice ideas. I like the idea of deconstructing the Penguin joke, but think you could probably do a better job of it (using a different Penguin joke if necessary)

The Penguin writer suicide note could benefit from losing a few excess words, but has a great p-p-p-p-punchline. For example I'd cut the first sentence entirely, perhaps sticking "polar bear minimum of satisfaction" in place of "dissatisfying" in the one sentence that doesn't contain a pun instead. The warljust pun is so bad it took me a while to figure out what it was supposed to mean so should probably go too, unless you can find a very clear way of arcticulating it....

Don't think you need the "everything just broke " line at the beginning and not sure it's a good idea to say "I've got no material" even if you have , but the suicide letter is a very good idea I reckon.- if a bit too wordy.

Cheers enigmatic, I think you're right about the deconstruction, as it stands it's a bit of a filler, maybe quite weak, so I will spruce it up a bit. In terms of the bad puns, I should have specified that I was going to repeat and explain them, "come on people, walrus," maybe even angrily. The point was putting emphasis on how awful these jokes are, and yes it definitely needs a rewrite to cut off the excess. Thanks for your feedback much appreciated.

Darren, yeah, I think you're right with that "everything just broke line," it's clunky and evident anyway. The I've got no material line was supposed to seem helpless and act as set up for the "maybe this is hell," but perhaps it could benefit from a different set up, something more vague like, "What do I do now?" or "this is my worst nightmare." I'm glad you liked the suicide letter , and yes, I do need to trim it.
Cheers!

Im not a standup but I will reply

"That's the last time I go to IKEA- I mean I thought it was anyway but..."

Genuinely funny line.

Your breakdown of the Penguin joke (riding an icycle) isnt really very funny but then your tirade about the poor saps who have to write penguin jokes is funny.

I think the suicide note is quite well written but I have a problem with it. Your acting as though you have no material (also don't literally say "I HAVE NO MATERIAL"), so you pull a penguin bar out of your pocket and pretend to riff from there. And then you act like the rest of your act is based, spontaneously, from the joke on the penguin bar.

But then you go a pre prepared, pre written penguin joke writer suicide note.. It doesn't make sense. Your character is making up this material on the spot but then has the penguin suicide note alreayd written?

Cheers buster,
Yeah, it does seem like the no material line isnt very popular however I'm not sure whether or not coherency would be a huge issue as it is just the one line that people wouldn't necessarily hold to memory as it doesn't have much importance- is what I'm inclined to think.
Then again... People may well be confused by and even annoyed with the inconsistency. With 2 people picking up on this, I think it's probably best to drop its
Thanks again

Well maybe it would be better to mutter "Should have come prepared really" or something lke that.

Too Be honest I loved it! I could really imagine you performing this live and it getting a great reaction,

there were a few things I didn't think it needed like the way you describe in details how sad it must be to be a penguin writer then repeat it almost word for word in the letter, but all in all I though it was a funny inspired piece of work so well done,

I hope you don't mind but I did a little rewrite taking out the parts I didn't think were needed and adding in a few bit I though you might like but had maybe missed?

I hope this doesn't offend you, I genuinely enjoyed reading you version, its just it inspired me so I thought I stick my nose in!

I understand if you don't like itthat's fine, I'm by no means an expert it was just an ideathat's all.

Here's my idea:

Quote: Pugsmith @ 4th December 2014, 1:55 AM GMT

I enter with a broken noose round my neck holding a chair leg in one hand and pause before saying

Until very recently, I didn't think I'd be performing tonight.

Pause and look at the chair leg

shit F**king chair.

That's the last time I go to IKEA- I mean I thought it was anyway...

Ok so what do I talk about now.

Ah,. (I search my pockets frantically, producing a penguin bar)
There we go. Prepare... to be amused.
(reading the joke on the back)
How do penguins get to penguin school?
On their icycles.

pause

On their icycles? What? You see, I have a problem with this. Okay right, so imagine you're riding your bike down a normal, tarmac road, yeah? Pretty easy. Hold on, suddenly the road is ice, because you're in the arctic! Bit more difficult, yeah? Then, as presumably an icycle is a bicycle made of ice, you bike turns to ice. You're having a pretty f**king hard time now aren't you.
Then, as if it weren't difficult enough, you turn into a penguin.
That's where the problem is, really, it's implausible for a penguin to ride a bike made of ice on an ice surface to get to school.
They should do a rewrite.

God, it must be pretty f**king depressing to be the person who writes the penguin jokes mustn't it? Nobody approaches you and says oh, I really love your work, do they?
(at this point I begin to eat the penguin)
Nobody has your stuff on their headstone if you write jokes for penguins.
I would imagine the Suicide rate must be pretty f**king high amongst Penguin joke writers.

can you imagine what their suicide notes would sound like.

(reaching in my pocket)

I've actually got an example here.

(I pull a piece of paper out and unfold it)

Shit that's mine.

(I return it to my pocket and retrieve another)

Right here we go.
(reading from the paper, awkwardly stressing the terrible jokes)

To my friends and family,
Like a child who's eaten one too many chocolate bars, I've had enough, this has Pen-Going on for a while now and as I sat at the Bar tonight I could see my hopes of becoming an accomplished writer slowly melting away.

My life as an overqualified pun writer for chocolate bar's has not been the career boost I expected, every part of me feels sad, I don't even have Happy Feet! I only took this job in the hope I could follow in the footsteps of my idol JK Rolling, but it turns out she started her career working for Penguin Books, Not Penguin Bars, you might think its easy just sitting here writing chocolate bar jokes all day, but its not been a Picnic, I've become a Drifter without a Dime trying to find his Milky way in this Galaxy, without a Whisper of hope, so I took a Time Out, but for this Bandit, the Taxi ride is over, allthat's left is to cut this Trio of Blue Ribbons and say Oreo!

It feels I'm on a slippery down hill slope with my personal and professional life snowballing out of control, Like a politically correct eskimo, inhuit would come to this one day. So I have opted out. Snow going back now. Thank you to my friends and family for tolerating me, please look after my KitKat and sorry mum for leaving you to p-p-p-pick up the pieces one last time.
Goodbye.

End.

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