British Comedy Guide

The Mouse Returns. (Gruffalo Spoof)

I'm pretty good at children's rhymes like this. Must give it a proper go sometime.

A mouse strolled again through the deep dark wood.
The fox remembered the mouse as he knew that he would.
He wouldn't fall for the next mousey trick.
He was going to enjoy eating the prick.

"Well well" said the fox. "I can't believe my luck."
"Oh shit" said the mouse. "Oh God! Holy f**k!"
"I'm going to eat you" the fox said "With cheese and some pickles",
but the mouse ran underneath him and bit his tess-tickles.

The mouse ran faster but bumped into a snake.
"Boy!" said the snake, "Have you made a mistake!"
"I'm going to swallow you whole, each last little bit
The next time you see daylight will be when I shit"

"So come closer" said snake, "My friend, my old mucker"
"YOU'VE made a mistake!" said mouse "Take this mother f**ker!"
With those words he took snake by surprise
and jabbed a sharp stick straight into his eyes.

On ran the mouse who was pleased with his stunt,
When down flew that annoying feathery c**t.
"It's me" said owl. "Oh f**k off" the mouse said
And nutted the owl right in the head.

The mouse punched the owl quickly and with loud angry squeak
Said "I'm going to f**king rip off that crap beak.
I'll pluck you and kick you when you're down on the deck,
Then I'll rip off you head and then shit down into your neck!"

The mouse walked on down the path and shook the blood from his nose,
and dreamt what he'd do to those two gruffalos.

I can't imagine it ever being snapped up by the Christmas TV programmers(Channel 4 possibly) but it made me chuckle in any case.

It's a bit clunky and doesn't always flow.

Tess-tickles!

It's a good stab, maybe if you punched it up more, or added some social/political twist you could send it into something like Newsrevue (is that still going?)

It was really me letting of steam after having to read the book for the billionth time.

It has inspired me to write a proper book it the same tight rhyme '2 and 2' style. It's about a boy or girl, still undecided, who plans on catching Santa. A couple of pages explaining his/her general idea, 4 or 5 on the detailed traps, 3 or 4 on what he'll do with the toys/sleigh/Santa, 2 or 3 pages on why he's decided not to do it after all.

Half the initial writing done so far. Couple of example verses below.

While Santa's been in the sun, on holiday, tanning,
I've been in my bedroom silently planning.
I've got lots of ideas that are all pretty fun
But now I've got to pick the best one.

The easiest trap to tell you the truth,
Is to spread really strong glue all over the roof.
Santa and his sleigh will get totally stuck.
I might catch an elf too with a bit of good luck.

Hey Will hows the old diarrhea?

Quote: Will Cam @ 4th December 2014, 11:57 AM GMT

It's a bit clunky and doesn't always flow.

Ouch it is a bit clunky, but also without a real point so it kinda meanders along and then stops.

Quote: Tiggy @ 5th December 2014, 8:27 PM GMT

While Santa's been in the sun, on holiday, tanning,
I've been in my bedroom silently planning.
I've got lots of ideas that are all pretty fun
But now I've got to pick the best one.

The easiest trap to tell you the truth,
Is to spread really strong glue all over the roof.
Santa and his sleigh will get totally stuck.
I might catch an elf too with a bit of good luck.

I like the sound of this, Santa Hunta seems like a very funny idea for a kids' book. Do you know any illustrators?

Your scansion isn't quite on the nail, though:

While Santa's been off on his holidays, tanning,
I have been working, and silently planning.
I've loads of ideas that are pretty good fun,
And now I have only to pick the best one.

The easiest method, to tell you the truth,
Is just to spread really strong glue on the roof:
Santa and sleigh will get totally stuck -
I might get a couple of elves with good luck.

Pardon my presumptionj in rewriting your rhythms.

Whistling nnocently

Gappy is bang on Tiggy. He knows his onions that boy.

I agree. One of the things I like most about Julia Donaldson, and my other favourite writer, Dr Seuss, is the smooth rhythm when you read their stuff. It makes it so easy to read. Even Seuss's most fiendish tongue twisters become a doddle when you tune into the beat of the words.

My first aim is to get over the 'blank page' syndrome by getting it down, then polishing it 30 times until near perfection.

Or I could get Gappy to do it.

Quote: Tiggy @ 5th December 2014, 10:17 PM GMT

Or I could get Gappy to do it.

Let's talk percentages...

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