THE WIND-UP MERCHANT
much very loud ticking immediately followed by an equal amount of tocking, plus whirring, buzzing
and mettalic wheezing, fade to dialogue..
FLASH-
Have you put it in, round the back, Boss?
MR LOOS-
Yes, it will now take exactly 4 MINUTES to produce the perfectly boiled egg I require for my lunchtime
sandwich... I am using the "Aylesbury3000 self winding egg timer, with duck-quack alarm facility".
- My egg must be even more than usually perfect, to see me through this trying day...
FLASH-
Why's that Boss?
MR LOOS-
Try me later, as I'm sure you will.
What have you been up to while I was in the back room?
You haven't put all the clocks to the same time again have you?
"We never set all the alarms to go off at once because...."
FLASH-
"Because, on the hour, every hour it would cause a terrible ding".
MR LOOS-
Terrible " din"...
FLASH-
Yes, "ding", "Health and Safety would require us to vacate the premises"- Slip out the back way before the monstrous dong arrived.
Enough to drive ya' cuckoo apparently...
MR LOOS-
My cuckoo hasn't made a peep since you hung his clock the wrong way round on the wall and when he tried to come out he hurt his little beak.
FLASH-
I've been trying to help this customer buy an alarm clock...
MR LOOS-
Well, he's come to the right place - my alarm clock shop - it looks like the effort has tired him out though,
he's completely wound down...
CUSTOMER1 (snoring)
FLASH-
That's the trouble Boss... He's the Product Tester at the Mattress Factory...
MR LOOS-
And... they make such good mattresses he keeps falling asleep on the job?
FLASH-
No, they make such bad mattresses, he can't sleep for worrying, by the time he gets off
he's so tired nothing wakes him in the morning....
So he wants to test which alarm is loudest....
MR LOOS-
But you definitely haven't synchronised all the clocks to the same time?...
FLASH-
No... they're still all different...but I have put them all to go off in exactly 3 MINUTES...
that way they're all bound to go off at different times in the next hour....or?..
MR LOOS-
Oh no, you start turning them off, I'll have a peak-in at my duck egg...
Ding-ding, shop door-bell rings as new Customer enters...
CUSTOMER2- (in hurry)
...Have you got the time?...
FLASH-
Um... no I don't think so, I'm meant to be at work....
CUSTOMER2-
No, what time is it....?
MR LOOS-
Can I help? I'm Mr Loos of the "You Snooze, We Loos" Emergency Timepiece Emporium, -'we
certainly have got The time'.
FLASH-
I thought we did, your only the 2nd customer in today....
CUSTOMER2-
I need to know the exact time....
MR LOOS-
The actual time now?...Oh, we usually look out of the window at the TownHall Clock, over the road...
CUSTOMER2-
Don't tell me about that clock! - I know all there is to know about that clock!
- It has an 8-day movement.
FLASH-
I've only been working here a week and it hasn't moved yet, it's still above the Town Hall.
CUSTOMER2-
I've been Time and Motions Controller at the Town Council for 40 years! Keeping it exactly on time...
All the factories work to the rule of that clock! All Public Transport Timetables run off it! The whole
Community depends on its accuracy!...
I've tested it every day, I only let it strike 12 the split second they fired the noon-day gun up at the
army fort, on the hill above the town...
Then yesterday, I met the Sergeant in charge of lighting the fuse that fires the canon...
I congratulated him on his immaculate time-keeping all these years, but he said it was nothing to do with him, he didn't let the gun go off till the Town Hall clock struck midday!...
I thought some of those 11.59's were very long! Nobody knows the time! My life is a sham!...
I have a Timebomb here in my briefcase! I'm going to take a bus up to the fort and blow up that gun!
I've set the bomb to go off at 12! In exactly 1 hour and 2 MINUTES!
MR LOOS-
You do know they put the clocks back an hour last night?
CUSTOMER2-
In that case...
FLASH-
In that case there?...
CUSTOMER2-
In this case here, - The bomb will go off in 2 MINUTES!...
FLASH-
You'll never get up to the Fort in that time, especially as the busses don't seem to be running very promptly today....
CUSTOMER2-
Then I shall change my target to the Town Hall Clock. I can still see its face laughing down at me....
MR LOOS-
i suppose now is not a good time to present you with this gift ? It's from the Council, to celebrate
your 40 years good clock-watching ... It's a clock....
CUSTOMER2-
Is that the right time?...
MR LOOS-
Yes...
CUSTOMER2-
Then the bomb goes off in 1 MINUTE!
The bell rings urgently, as he leaves in a hurry...
Time warps slower and slower as shown by the ticking of the shop full of clocks slowing down, building the tension as seconds slip away to the big bang....
MR LOOS-
I'll never get to eat my perfectly boiled egg now...
FLASH-
You could take it out early...
MR LOOS-
It'll be too runny...
FLASH-
It won't be the only thing that's runny... Should I wake the Quality Control Officer from the Mattress Factory?
CUSTOMER1- (snoring)
MR LOOS-
No, he looks too comfortable. He'll never find out which alarm is the loudest now...
You remember, I was going to tell you something earlier?...It doesn't matter but,
I may as well tell you now we've got a few moments quiet, -30 SECONDS to be precise!....
before we're blown to smithereens....
FLASH-
"Smithereens", the 80's Retro Indie Disco, on Rosamund Street?
MR LOOS-
Oh, I wouldn't go that far- I'm heavier than you.
I had decided to close the shop! Time's run out.- No-one uses alarm clocks any more...
FLASH-
I dunno Boss, he uses one...
MR LOOS-
Only as an explosive detonator and I don't think he even got that from me!
Everyone's either Self-Employed and works round the clock or Unemployed and too miserable to ever get up....
FLASH-
If I can get us out of this mess Boss maybe we can make like the Aylesbury3000 egg timer and start again
from '0"...?
See those dodgy looking mattresses outside?....
MR LOOS-
The Product Tester must be taking his work home with him, hoping to sleep on it...
FLASH-
Ok Boss...i'm stepping outside for a moment....I may be some time....
MR LOOS-
Flash! ...I'm fond of you!... But You've only got 14 SECONDS to save the alarm clock shop!....
The shop door-bell tings (as Flash runs outside.) then in quick succession....
A very loud but muffled bang!
The shops many alarm clocks all go off at once....in celebratory fashion.
Answered by the distant peeling of the Town Hall clock chimes.
CUSTOMER1-
(snores) Press Snooze love, I think I'll have another 5 minutes (snores)
THE AYLESBURY3000-
Quack- Quack -Quack etc
THE DAMAGED CUCKOO CLOCK-
Cuck....ow.