My first five minutes

Hi guys, this is what I have. All feedback very much appreciated. Really unsure as to whether any lines are crossed.Thanks.

I enter with a broken noose round my neck holding a chair leg in one hand and pause before saying

Until very recently, I didn't think I'd be performing tonight.

Pause and look at the chair leg

Everything just broke really, I mean... shit.F**king chair.

Pause

That's the last time I go to IKEA.
I mean I thought it was anyway but... F**king hell what do I talk about now?
Right, yeah, f**k it why not? I was reading on some such social media black hole a while ago that some animals eat their young if they think they're weak. Which is brilliant, obviously- and I got thinking, what if human's did that and what effects would it have on society, I mean can you imagine going into a hospital and asking where the cafe is- which is your natural first concern upon entering a hospital, of course. I'm f**king hungry, yeah me too, hospital?- to be told it was up the stairs and left, just next to midwifery?
As a capitalist society we'd naturally try to profit from it- Tesco, because why have an abortion when you can have a tasty meal? Next on channel four its Jamie's kitchen- wazzing up a dead infant for your viewing pleasure. We're the only f**king society that could coin such contradictory term as sperm bank so why the f**k wouldn't we? You can imagine the snob in the restaurant turning his nose up- I'm not eating that it's a stillborn! Inspecting them in flotation tanks like they're lobsters, would it be possible to know the mothers history? Yes because we'd keep them all on a f**king farm- yeah she had two walks a day, so it's classed as free range. Excellent.
You'd have to be careful on the other side of the globe though wouldn't you? In China I suppose that depending on circumstance wombs would be less wombs and more slow cookers. For example if you broke the one child policy, or, in some rural areas, gave birth to a girl.
Now, if you thought this was grim already- my imagination just booked a ticket to poverty stricken Africa. Yes. I believe that with an out of control AIDs pandemic, lack of available contraception and a famine- you'd find yourself with a difficult decision to make. I highly doubt your two pounds a month could prevent this baby eating AIDs stricken nightmare though, or your f**king shoebox appeals.
Shoe box appeals, do you never think they wonder where the shoes are? The kids are hardly going to tie the toy cars you send down there to their feet and skate around are they? It's useless! Yeah, with the amount of corruption and lack of resources, the best thing you can do for an impoverished child at Christmas is eat it. Save it the suffering you big entity of capitalist shit.

I actually quite enjoyed the entrance / start but it went horribly down hill. Not sure you'd still be on stage by the end of this to be honest. There taboos and there's this!

Taking about stillborns and eating infants? Most definitely not something I find funny.

Oh God yeah. It's been one of those days where you write without even thinking really. It is just nonsense and I suppose I just detached myself from the horror of the base idea. You just continue and frantically post!
I do have another tamer probably funnier routine written but it clashes horrendously with the persona put forward in the entrance. Oh well, steer from the taboo unless you can handle it with a lot more skill I guess.

Update: just got a massive told you so from my girlfriend who specifically said not to roll with it.

Hi, I don't mind the content, you can say anything if it's funny enough and sounds sincere or personal enough... Think there are too many words . Good luck tho ...

I liked the intro. Bit of an elaborate set up with the rope, chair leg etc, but why not.

As far as the eating children part of it (i.e. the rest of it) goes, I reckon you definitely could make this work, but I'm not convinced it's that funny at present. The lead-in to the children-eating part seems a bit too flimsy and abrupt, as if you want to get straight onto eating children and any pretext will do. And the way the topic is handled is a bit too head-on and grisly for me at least.

A bit of surrealism could make it, er, easier to swallow. What if you treated cannibalism as if it was veganism? As if in some strange parallel world, offering a vegan option instead of a meat-based meal would be all wrong and very backward, but what progressive types do is offer a purely cannibal option for any meal normally involving vegetables?

I think the good Irish Doctor did a piece on eating children Pug. But that was a few years back now.

The chair leg goes back to Michael Bentine, but he did more with it.

Yeah, cheers Darren I'm in the process of heavy editing haha! Rupe- yeah, I think as it stands it's just a bit too brutal. Is that "a modest proposal," that you're referring to Mark? I have heard of that but wouldn't know if I've took anything by accident. And Paul, yeah I heard that he did something with some part of a chair- pretending it had all sorts of functions, maybe it is too similar, not sure.
Oh well, cheers everyone

Yeah, cheers Darren I'm in the process of heavy editing haha! Rupe- yeah, I think as it stands it's just a bit too brutal. Is that "a modest proposal," that you're referring to Mark? I have heard of that but wouldn't know if I've took anything by accident. And Paul, yeah I heard that he did something with some part of a chair- pretending it had all sorts of functions, maybe it is too similar, not sure.
Oh well, cheers everyone

I think the start is awesome and forget about not being brutal, just embrace it. If you wandered on stage in a depressed state, head down, talking slowly with the rope round your neck and just had a really depressed, not arsed character - looking like shit. You could then make jokes about, for example, how your girlfriend did a shit job on the rope (the bitch). Then perhaps bring out some broken bit of chair (f**king ikea - nearly broke my neck on that - bloody cheap bastards)

then if you played it slow with lots of deep sighs you can go into the whole, your life's rubbish and you can't even commit suicide properly thing - maybe you've tried a few times - you tried sleeping pills but just fell asleep after a couple (and woke up feeling really refreshed - so then you had to annoyingly spend time getting depressed again). then just carry on with depression / suicide jokes

Indeed a modest proposal the exact same conceit - but, like I say, a few years ago or so. A lot of people will have forgotten his act.

I like a lot of it but the eff word is used far too often. I think its only funny when its used once when we are least expecting it. Even though I am elderly and use the eff word more than I should( in the house) I find that young people don't like it either.

Mikey that's brilliant, nearly choked on my lunch reading "nearly broke my neck," yeah I think it definitely relies on character and delivery, so that's something to work on, thanks.
Bushbaby I do swear... a lot. But then many don't, will work on reeling that in haha.