Skit Comp 2 - 10.11.14

More fine stuff so congratulations to STEVE SUNSHINE for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Steve Sunshine
2 - 5 - Otterfox, Craig H
1 - 1 - Zepp, Darren Hoskins, Gappy
Special mention: Pugsmith, me

Your new subject: CROCKERY (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Sid Vicious because he is dead.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10.11.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 52 - Gappy
2 - 21 - Stylee Ting Ting, Otterfox
3 - 16 - Craig H, Darren Hoskins
4 - 15 - Nick81
5 - 12 - me
6 - 11 - Zepp,
7 - 10 - Tiggy, Steve Sunshine
8 - 6 - Halfway Gangster
9 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Pugsmith, Ahem, Some Yoke

ALCONONICS ANONYMOUS

TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER and PISS-HEAD:

PRESENTER Hello and welcome to 'Go F**k Yourself', the show where we pick on a bunch of random twats. Our latest member (giggles) is Ivor Hardick. Ivor, you've decided to come and see us - pornography in reverse - so stand up and let it all out - pornography the right way.

IVOR (stands up, shy) Hi I'm Ivor. I'm fifty five, I'm a rock star and - I'm a teetotaller.

(NERVOUS MURMURS)

PRESENTER It's okay - you're among enemies here. When did you first realise you didn't have a problem?

IVOR I was a young man, around fifty three, fifty four - I'd drink water from the bottle, then put whisky in so no one would suspect.

PRESENTER Did your parents mind?

IVOR No, they thought it was just a stage...

PRESENTER Did anything come up?

IVOR Yes, that's the benefit of not drinking. Fortunately people struggling to live without booze abuse can seek out Alcononics Anonymous for support on becoming an alcoholic, though it's intimidating to first walk in stone cold sobre.

PRESENTER How does one find such a meeting?

IVOR Most phone books list a local office, which you can find if you're not totally rat-arsed. You can also go to aa.org and click on how-to-find-aa-meetings with your free hand. Meetings take place in pubs, night clubs and pub toilets. They can be specifically for men, old people or straights. They're open to anyone feeling they have a problem with sobriety, and operate on a principle of publicity: participants are expected to make everything known in newspapers, blogs and all over the Internet.

PRESENTER I once went to a meeting but passed a pub on the way there. So what the f**k's it like?

IVOR First there's a chat by an alcoholic recovering from a period of not getting wankered. He discusses what it was like to be an inactive alcoholic, what happened to change his situation from recovery back to being shit-faced, and what life's like now he's fuddled, four-to-the-floor and f**ked again... Or participants sit in one large sprawl and crawl about vomiting and discussing a topic from a short Brail-reading at the beginning... Then there's the Big Book, a name used by AA members when they can f**king remember for a blue bound barfed-on book that explains our 12-step, sorry 12-collapse program. It contains first-hand accounts of people who got piss-eyed, pished and potted using the program. Members try to focus on the book until the group has spewed over a whole chapter. The rest of the meeting discusses the vomit and relates it to personal inebriation efforts... Or the step meeting, where piss-heads introduce themselves by nickname and state they're not an alcoholic... Many begin with the AA preamble, describing our mission and explaining the only requirement for membership is a desire to start drinking. An AA member may then introduce himself and read another document, How it Works, explaining the 12 steps making up the core of the program. This may then lead to a short reading from a meditation book related to getting back on the razzle. Meetings last about one hour and end with reciting 'SWEET CHILD-AH MIIIIINE'. - or, if you're a lady, 'I WILL SUR-VIIIVE.'

PRESENTER Ivor, thank you. And remember, kids: Go out in the evening, you're a bit shy - then you have a bit to drink, and you're an irritating wanker as well.

Crock Monsieur

ANTIQUE EXPERT
Do you know where this piece originates from?

A WHITE DINNER PLATE IS SAT IN FRONT OF THEM AND LOOKS TO HAVE BEEN TAPED BACK TOGETHER

AVERAGE JOE
Greece?

ANTIQUE EXPERT
China.

AVERAGE JOE
Ahh, so it has a broken look to it opposed to having been smashed and put back together?

ANTIQUE EXPERT
No. Every year we have a race down the big hill at Turnwell in which the runners are chased by a bull.

AVERAGE JOE
I see.

ANTIQUE EXPERT
And the bull came charging in to the shop.

AVERAGE JOE
I think I know where you're going with this.

ANTIQUE EXPERT
Quite. So, needless to say it's lost a bit of value but not as much as you would think.

AVERAGE JOE
Oh, why is that?

ANTIQUE EXPERT
Well now it's a piece of French art isn't it.

AVERAGE JOE
It's not even French.

ANTIQUE EXPERT
But of course it is.

AVERAGE JOE
Bullshit

ANTIQUE EXPERT
Well spotted! so there is. We'll leave that on it. Gives it that authentic feel of Paris.

END

GLYNN: So, Barry, your first appraisal from the area managers - don't be frightened!

BARRY: [Nervous chuckle] I'll do my best.

G: Good man. We're only here to ensure that the venue is running as smoothly as it can, not to put our oars in and argue. We just want successful service industry management.

VISHNA: And synergy.

G: And, yes, Vishna's quite keen on synergy. So, the good news, the locals seem to like you, the beer is selling well, and the pub quiz is a roaring success. Also, we thoroughly enjoyed our lunch.

B: Great.

V: Although...

B: Sorry?

G: Although...well, look, I wasn't sure I'd even mention it, but we weren't convinced by the burger.

B: Oh, is the smoked cheddar too overpowering? I wondered about that.

V: No, the food was delicious, but it - how can I put this? It didn't deliver. Culturally.

B: Sorry, you'll have to errm...

G: Barry, we don't want people to just think that they're eating a burger in a pub.

B: Although they are.

G: Although they are, but you need to go the extra mile. With the presentation.

V: And the synergy.

G: Well, one thing at a time, Vishna. You see, Barry, we don't like the plates.

V: We hate the plates, Barry.

G: Precisely, plate-hatred marred our dining experience, and that'll cost you revenue, sure as eggs is fried.

B: I can get new plates.

V: God no! Don't rub salt in the wounds, man. Destroy the plates. Destroy all plates.

G: From now on, you need to serve your burgers on a board.

B: Like a chopping board, Glynn?

G: Exactly like that. Burgers on wood is the new thing. It's fresh; it's brave; it's paradigm shifting.

V: Plus everyone's doing it.

B: Right. And the chips, do you want them on the board too?

V: God yes. A separate one, preferably.

G: You got it, Vishna. A board for the burger, a plank for the chips, and a small hunk of two b' four for the side salad.

V: Garnish timber, great concept, Glynn.

B: Right, so, just to recap, you think the food will sell better if every element is on a separate chunk of tree?

G: Got it in one. And, you know, smear the mustard on some redwood as well, get rid of these hideous jars.

V: Condiment slats! That is synergy!

B: Erm. Right. I can do that, if you think it will help.

G: And make the tables bigger.

V: For the boards.

G: That's right, Vishna, big enough for the myriad boards. Right, I think that's us done, Barry, so we'll drop you a line about the-

V: Soup!

B: Pardon me?

V: Brainwave: serve the soup on boards.

G: Oh, Christ, yes: those bowls are repulsive. Soup on boards!

V: Soup boards.

G: Board soup.

B: But...but...soup doesn't go on boards.

V: No, Barry, soup does go on boards. It just doesn't stay on boards.

G: Which is fine, because that way people will know it's fresh.

B: No, this is silly, stop telling me how to run a pub. I've run tons of pubs, and nobody at any point has ever complained that there wasn't enough lumber on their tables.

G: We want the boards, Barry. [Sinister] I hope I'm making myself clear.

B: I'll give you boards, Glynn! You can have boards! If you want, I'll serve the Sunday roasts on a vast deciduous platter! I'll display each solitary croquette on a separate oaken trestle, if it shuts you up, but I will not have my staff trying to serve liquids on a plank, alright? Hell's bells, humanity has spent millennia perfecting the bowl as the perfect vessel in which to offer soup, and I'm not going to turn my back on that and start painting minestrone onto a pile of f**king lintels to appease the fatuous whims of two rubber-brained trend-sniffers who've never pulled a pint in their lives, got it?

G: We get it. Hey, I think there's some issues we need to work thought, here.

V: I don't even know what the opposite of synergy is, but you just did it.

B: I know I'm right here.

G: Fine, keep the bowls.

V: For a six week trial period pending review.

G: Obviously. Come on, Barry, let's all have a drink to calm down, on me.

V: Oh yeah, we're all friends really. I'll have a gin and tonic.

B: Alright, fine. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout, and I know this is a new business relationship, but -

V: Jesus, Barry, don't serve me a sodding G&T in a sodding glass! Nobody does that shit any more. Use a jam jar, a lab beaker, a samples bottle, anything.

G: How about a bowl?

V: Someone just got Area Manager Of The Year, Glynn!

B: Aaaaargh!!

PROSPERO ENTERS A SHOP WEARING HIS CLOAK AND HAT, AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER. UPON REACHING IT, DENNIS APPEARS FROM BEHIND A SHELF, DRESSED IN A STAINED VEST AND A PAIR OF JOGGERS- PROSPERO LOOKS BEWILDERED BY THIS ATTIRE

DENNIS

Alright geezer, I'm Dennis, what can I do you for then?

PROSPERO (FLUSTERED)

Yes, hello Sir, you see, my wand has broken and I was wonde-

DENNIS (LAUGHING)

Broken wand, don't want me mate- get yerself down to the 'ospital, they might give you something.

PROSPERO (CONFUSED)

Excuse me? I'm afraid I don't understand.

DENNIS (CHUCKLING)

Well if you can't use your cock, see the doc.

PROSPERO (ALARMED)

I'm sorry?

DENNIS

You know, if you can't use your smaller wrist, see a urologist.

PROSPERO

Excuse me Sir, I'll clarify, if you'll allow me.

DENNIS

Suit yourself.

PROSPERO (FROWNING)

Yes, anyway. I broke my wand a few moons ago in a duel with my-

DENNIS

Woah! Stop right there pal, I've heard enough.

PROSPERO

So you can help me?

DENNIS

No fella' I can't, and I'm gonna have to ask you to shift.

PROSPERO (STARTLED)

What?

DENNIS

I've just had me breakfast mate, the last thing I want to hear is about your adventur-

PROSPERO (DESPERATE)

Look would it help if I showed it to you?

DENNIS (LEAPING BACK AND RAISING ARMS)

No, absolutely not, please just leave mate, I-

PROSPERO GIVES OUT A CRY AND LOOKS TO HIS HAND

PROSPERO

Hold on, my ring is stinging!

DENNIS VOMITS

PROSPERO (CONT.)

But that means, you're not a wizard!

DENNIS (WIPING SICK FROM HIS MOUTH)

Please mate, just vacate the premises-

PROSPERO

Bur it says on your shop sign, all your sorcery needs! How is this possible?

DENNIS

Look, I can take a joke mate, but-

PROSPERO (FIRMLY)

Tell me at once what your business is here!

DENNIS

I'm just here to make a living!

PROSPERO

How do you possibly expect to make a living here, how are you here? This is the wizarding world!

DENNIS

What are you talking about mate? Who are you? I f**king sell these!

DENNIS GESTURES AROUND THE SHOP, THE CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL A VARIETY OF SAUCERS

PROSPERO

What are they?

DENNIS

F**king saucers you looper, you know? For tea and that!

PROSPERO

But how on earth did you get here? The wizarding world is invisible to you normal people. I, Prospero, second of my na-

DENNIS

This is the f**king high street you absolute-

TWO MEN DRESSED IN BURBERRY ENTER THE SHOP, THE CAMERA PANS TO PROSPERO, NOW A NORMAL BLOKE WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR, HOLDING HIS PENIS AND SPINNING IT, AS DENNIS COWERS BEHIND THE COUNTER

MAN #1

F**king hell, Norman!

THE TWO APPROACH NORMAN/PROSPERO, #1 ESCORTING HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR AND 2# PICKS UP HIS CLOTHES, ON THEIR WAY OUT, #2 TURNS TO DENNIS

MAN #2

Sorry mate, we think he got spiked.

DENNIS LOOKS HORRIFIED. THEY LEAVE. A SHOT OF THE SHOP EXTERIOR REVEALS A SIGN SAYING, "ALL THE SAUCERS YOU NEED."

END

BUTTER DISH-
I can hear footsteps! Slow, doddery footsteps....
ALL THE CROCKERY (excitedly)-
She's coming! She's coming!
BD-
Oh, do let her pick me! I havent't been used in a month of Sundays... Since the Vicar came round to sort out her Old Fellas funeral.
NOVELTY BISCUIT BARREL-
I'm afraid she can't reach this far back, behind all the plates. Not after having 'er hips done...
TUREEN-
Look, nobody uses a Butter Dish anymore....especially one shaped like a Tudor Country Cottage....
NBB-
Leave her alone!.... You've got a chip on your shoulder as bad as the one on your lid.
T-
And you're a crackpot...
NBB-
Slightly damaged Novelty Biscuit Barrel, if you don't mind!
I haven't 'ad as much as a bourbon cream or sponge finger in me since the wake, but I ain't
complaining....
BD-
I blame the Tupperware! Cheap foreign Tupperware , coming over here, covering our butter!....
T-
I don't deserve to be up here in the dark with you lot, I should be in an elegant, glass fronted,
display cabinet, not stood next to a faulty Laurel and Hardy Cruet Set, a bargain offer from the back of the Daily Mail in 1968.
STAN LAUREL PEPPER POT-
(Cries and then sneezes repeatedly)
OLIVER HARDY SALT SELLER-
Well, that's another fine mess you've got me covered in....
T-
And a mug, commemorating the Wedding of Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips.
MUG-
Naff off!
NBB-
You're the mug mate!
T-
I'm a Royal Crown Derby Porcelain Soup Tureen.- And when "her Son-in-Law"'s got
you all in a cardboard box at the Car Boot , we'll be on the Antiques Roadshow....
NBB-
"We"? You and your fat spoon?
T-
She is not a "Fat Spoon"! She is a "proper Ladel"!
LADEL-
"I' m a Ladel".
T-
Then you'll be laughing on the other side of your face!
NBB-
I'm Toby Jug shaped....we're face all the way round!
But he's right though, -now she has everything delivered, ready made, in a van every day and eats it from a plastic tray on her lap in front of Bargain Hunt (and the foods in separate wells,
so you can tell the puréed Chicken Kievs from the semolina pudding)...
-It is the Son-in-Law we gotta worry about! Did you see him?
- Silver fish knife in back pocket the minute her back was turned!
There'll be no more salmon for the Old Trout now.
We'll be like the Silver Service Canteen of Cutlery Set-
You can't tell me they didn't know they was off to be melted down!
BD-
I could hear them jingling together in their velvet lined box....
NBB-
Listen! She's made it to the cupboard door!
ALL-
The light!The light!
T-
It's me! She wants me!
BD-
Take me as well! I can cover marge too! I've got room for the whole tub, straight from the fridge!
T-
She must have seen one of me on Bargain Hunt, making a huge profit!
I'll leave you lot up here, someone might want you at a cheap Greek wedding,Chinese plate
spinning rehearsals or for a job lot at the fairground coconut shy...
OLD LADY-
Ah, there you are ... Just right!... I'll keep you under my bed in case I can't make it to the bathroom.
NBB-
I always said what a "crockery of shit" he was....

INT. NIGHT. LIVING ROOM.

TIM ADDRESSES TWO OTHER LADS ALL IN THEIR 20'S.

TIM:
Either of you know where I could get a crockery set before Thursday?

ANDY:
Have you checked-

TIM:
-Online. It's down all day.

ANDY:
What about the golden pages?

TIM:
Mr. Pedantic over there burnt it. (MOCKINGLY) 'No one uses it anymore', he says. 'It's more beige than gold anyway', he says.

ANDY:
Have you tried the silver pages?

TIM:
The what?

ANDY:
The Silver Pages. They're not quite as accurate as the Golden Pages folk but they're a pretty good substitute.

TIM:
I'll give anything a go at this stage. What's their number?

ANDY:
I have it here somewhere.

ANDY RUMMAGES THROUGH A STACK OF PAPERS.

ANDY (CNTD):
Ah here it is; 5.

TIM (DOUBTFUL):
Their number is 5?

ANDY:
Why are you so dubious? Have you ever rang 5?

TIM:
Alright, alright.

TIM CALLS THE NUMBER.

TIM (ON PHONE):
Hi, can you tell me where I could find a crockery set? It's for a life-size doll house.....Yes I suppose you could just call it an actual house, now any idea where I can get one?....25 Smithson Street, thank you.

INT. DAY. SHOP.

PAN AROUND THE SHOP AND VARIOUS PARAPHERNALIA OF THE STAR TREK CHARACTER SPOCK CAN BE SEEN SUCH AS POSTERS, MUGS, ACTION FIGURES ETC.
TIM:
Would you have any plates or bowls that sort of thing?

SHOPKEEPER:
What you've actually got hold of here is a Spockery. Dedicated solely to Vulcan's favourite son.

TIM:
Right, any idea where I could find some crockery though?

SHOPKEEPER:
The best we could manage is Spockery if that's any good to you?....No? Have you tried Barney Fluster? He owns the small corner shop, he may have some but if not he'll tell you where to find some. He knows every corner of the city. You'll see him standing on a step ladder staring at a picture of Maradona yawning at the mob.

INT. DAY. CORNER SHOP.

TIM:
Hello sir, I'm looking for some crockery.

BARNEY LOOKS UP FROM THE PHOTO.

BARNEY:
What a hero.... Hmm, crockery? I'm afraid we're fresh out.

TIM:
But I can see some behind you.

BARNEY:
Nope, we're out of it. I said the last one a few seconds ago. 5 mentions of the word is the limit. That's all the silver pages will allow before there's a moratorium on it for the rest of the sketch. No mention of it, no reference to it, nothing.

TIM:
But the mob are going to kill me if I don't have their doll house ready before tomorrow.

BARNEY:
Let me let you in on a little secret. There is a loop hole. You could refer to it as another word and get what you need that way. Here's an address for a Jack O' Dwyer in Ireland. You see in Ireland they call it delph. Hop on the next plane and bring it back before tomorrow and you're saved.

INT. DAY. SHOP IN IRELAND.

TIM:
Excuse me sir, I'm in need of some delph. Please say you have some.

JACK:
Indeed'n I do. Brand new stock of it just in.

TIM:
Thank God! That's fantastic! I'll take a standard set.

JACK:
A set!? My, my, that'll set you back.

JACK PULLS BACK A CURTAIN TO REVEAL A NUMBER OF PEOPLE STANDING IN INDIVIDUAL GLASS CASES.

TIM:
I'm looking for delph, not bloody....people. Bowls, plates, that sort of thing.

JACK:
Oh lord, I haven't sold the table stuff since the 80's. People are all the rage now. This is Susan Delph, Jim over there and that's an Eamonn Delph there, just got him in this morning. So what do you reckon?

TIM (ANNOYED):
I reckon you're completely insane. All I want is a few matching bowls and plates is that too much to ask!!? Not bloody Spock, not shut downs on the mention of the word, no having to change the word of the thing I'm bloody after, not a trip to Ireland and not a person standing in a bloody stupid bloody, bloody glass bloody case for f**k sake!!

JACK:
I'll give you Eamonn Delph for €80.

BEAT.

TIM:
What...why would I.....(SIGH)... Alright.

INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

TIM AND EAMONN STAND NERVOUSLY IN FRONT OF A NUMBER OF GUN-WIELDING GANGSTERS.

LEAD GANGSTER:
Not only did you not retrieve the items we politely threatened you with getting but you've also prevented us from even saying the thing. Goodbye gentlemen.

THE GUNMEN ARE ABOUT TO SHOOT WHEN EAMONN YAWNS.

GANGSTER. 2:
Damn it boss we're rendered useless against the might of the yawn.

LEAD GANGSTER:
Blast you Maradona, blast you to hell!!

THE. GANGSTERS DROP THEIR WEAPONS AND RUN TERRIFIED FROM THE BUILDING.

End.

Darren gets my vote this week, nice characters.

However, I think Otterfox's concept of a slightly rubbish phone book where things aren't quite what you meant is hilarious (I'm assuming Golden Pages is the Irish version of the UK's Yellow Pages). "Crockery" is a bit of a duff word to base the sketch on, which is why it doesn't quite work, but the idea is so good, I reckon it should be rewritten

Oh, PS, we don't use "delft" for crockery in the UK, for your info. Also, I have no idea who Eamonn Delph is, but I'm not very good at popular culture or sport, either side of the Irish sea, so I dare say other people do.

My vote goes to Darren. Great premise well executed. My only peeve is your formatting Darren! always find it difficult to follow / read for some reason.

Thought gappy and otterfox were excellent too. Gappys was polished as always and I loved the 'chunk of tree' line. Everyone knows I love the surreal style of Otterfox and this weeks was no different. As with gappy my Google box was getting a bit of a doing but overall I loved it. Thought Pugs was good but not quite as polished / thought out and the 'sorcery / saucery' pun was revealed before the reveal. Michael was usual mental and crude self. I particularly liked his last sentence - rang very true too!

Gappy- really reflects how ridiculous bars are getting.

Gappy, for the idea and the language eg -" condiment slats" and "oaken trestle"
I'll reconsider my formatting next time -cheers Craig H .

Gappy. Because I wanted to write about wooden boards as plates

Otterfox

Otterfox it is.

Gappy.