Skit Comp 10.10 - 18.10.14

More fine stuff so congratulations to GAPPY, NICK81 and ZEPP for winning. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Nick81, Zepp
1 - 5 - Some Yoke, Halfway Gangster, Stylee Ting Ting
Special mention: Ahem

Your new subject: PIRATES (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Kant.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.10.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 41 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Stylee Ting Ting
3 - 15 - Nick81, Otterfox
4 - 12 - me
5 - 11 - Craig H
6 - 10 - Zepp, Tiggy, Darren
7 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Pugsmith, Ahem, Some Yoke, Halfway Gangster

CAPT: Shipmates, before we set sail once again for adventure and plunder on the high seas, let's all welcome our newest recruit, ensign Samuel Goldswab.

ALL PIRATES: Hoorah!

SAMUEL: [Full pirate drawl] Aaaaaaargh-ah-ah-ah!

CAPT: [Pause] Sorry, didn't catch that, Sam, could you just run it by us again?

SAMUEL: Aaaargh! Argh-hah-argh!

CAPT: One more time.

SAMUEL: [Uncertain] Erm...aaargh...?

CAPT: No, no idea. Anybody?

PIRATE 1: I don't think he's actually saying anything, captain, he's just sort of going "arg".

CAPT: Is this right, Goldswab?

SAMUEL: Argh! It be how we do talk, bain't it? Ha hargh!

CAPT: "It be how we do talk"? Where do you come from again?

SAMUEL: Truro, argh, right enough.

CAPT: And that's Truro is it? Well I never. Anyway, to business, shipmates.

PIRATE 2: No, hang on. I come from Truro, and I've never heard anyone talk like that.

SAMUEL: No, you misunderstand. It be not a Truro accent, it's a pirate...accent. Aargh. Everyone on my last ship spoke like this.

CAPT: Really? How odd. Who was your last captain?

SAMUEL: Bartholomew Bloodbeard.

PIRATE 1: Bloodbeard? The alcoholic who'd had a stroke?

SAMUEL: [Realising it sounds silly] Aaargh.

CAPT: Well, that explains that. Do cut it out, Goldswab, there's a good chap.

SAMUEL: Aagh, well, it b'ain't that simple, be it? I can't stop. It's become 'abitual, so to speak.

CAPT: Well, that's not-

SMAUEL: Aaaaaargh!!!

CAPT: Finished?
SAMUEL: Yargh, sorry.

CAPT: Well, it's not ideal, now, is it? I mean, we pirates, we're more than just passing larcenists, we're tantamount to a paramilitary force. I need discipline; I need my crew to run like a well-oiled machine, I can't wait for someone to stop every few syllables to drawl inanely, I have efficient pillaging to orchestrate. No, no, this sort of shilly-shallying will not pass naval muster.

SAMUEL: Aaargh, I think you be exaggerating, sir.

PIRATE 2: Oh really? Picture this: "Aargh, captain, look out there be aaaargh a rival brigand leader aaargh behind y- oh, wait, you're dead".

SAMUEL: Aaargh, in fairness that be exactly how my last captain died.

CAPT: So, you'll talk normally then?

SAMUEL: I'll do my very best sir.

CAPT: Capital, well played, Samuel, give it your best shot.

[PIRATES applaud]

CAPT: And if you can't manage it, ensign, I'll feed you to a cuttlefish, get it?

SAMUEL: [Trying top correct mid-vowel] AaaarghhhI do.

SQUAWKER: Aak! Pieces of 8! Pieces of 8! Aak! Wanna cracker! [Whistle] Wanna cracker! Aak!

CAPT: Excellent point, midshipman, I think it is time for lunch. Goldswab, this is my cousin, Charles.

SAMUEL: [Under breath] It be one rule for they and be one rule for us'n. Aaarrrrgghh....

ONE UNDER THE EIGHT

TV STUDIO.

PRESENTRESS and BEN ELTON.

PRESENTRESS Hello gentlemen and ladies and welcome to 'TV Tonight'. My guest in the theatre this morning is Ben Elton, the guy behind some of our finest sitcoms, and 'The Wright Way'. Good afternoon, Benjamin.

BEN Yes indeed.

PRESENTRESS Shut up. Now there's good news: as 'The Wright Way''s viewing fugures rocket, you're not doing another series.

BEN No indeed.

PRESENTRESS Shut up. But the bestest news is, you are bringing back Blackadder, the legendary, hugely popular and bleeding awesome character people've been quoting for f**king years now. So can you give us a sneak preview?

BEN Absolutely no indeed: highly confidential, more under wraps than Salman Rushdie.

PRESENTRESS Okay, fine. Our next guest...

BEN Awright, if you insist. Well it's the fifth series so it's called 'Pieces of Eight' - I thought of that - and Blackadder's now a pirate, me hearties!

PRESENTRESS Your heart is what?

BEN Shut up. Well in the first episode, Baldrick is hatching a cunning stunt to erect the mast 'cos it's all floppy so he says, 'Blackadder, can you help me get it up all nice and hard again?' Quick as a whip, Blackadder retorts, 'F**k off Baldrick, you f**king little f**king f**ker.' (laughs)

PAUSE.

PRESENTRESS Right... I thought he'd do one of those convoluted put-downs, like in the last series.

BEN Don't be stupid. No one talks like that.

PRESENTRESS Okay... Any more examples of this blade-sharp wit?

BEN Yeah, tons. Like in the second episode, Percy's cleaning his pirate knife but drops it so he goes, 'Blackadder, can you give it a good toss? I've been rubbing it off so it's nice and shiny.' Quick as a flash, Blackadder quips, 'F**k off Percy, you f**king little f**king f**ker.' (laughs)

PRESENTRESS Great... Any more?

BEN Yes indeed. In the last episode, Andrew Lloyd Webber makes a guest appearance as Roger A. Bottom and he's having trouble writing a new musical so he says, 'It's long and hard - can you help me pull it off?' Quick as a nip, I say, 'I'll suck it too Andie, you horny sex machine.'

EXT, HALLOWEEN NIGHT, JONATHAN ANSWERS HIS DOOR TO SOME TRICK OR TREATERS

JONATHAN
Pirate?

TRICK OR TREATER
Yes.

JONATHAN
Great, you've the sword and the eye patch and is that blood on your hands? Been raping and pillaging? Great stuff. And you, Ninja?

TRICK OR TREATER
Yep.

JONATHAN
Wonderful. You've the mask there so you can't be identified when you sneak up on someone and slice your blade through their guts. And you, must be a cowboy?

TRICK OR TREATER.
Bang, bang.

JONATHAN
Oh, you got me! Shot me in cold blood as I answered the door, I was giving you the sweets anyway but you filled me full of lead all the same. Great stuff.

TRICK OR TREATER
And what about me?

JONATHAN
You are a good guy, bringing your brother and his friends around...

TRICK OR TREATER
No.

JONATHAN
Look here buddy, you're about what? 15? You come to my door wearing a tracksuit, with your eyebrow pierced and a bad attitude. I don't know of this is a joke but if you think you intimidate me you don't and you don't really have any business going around spoiling...

TRICK OR TREATER
I'm Israel.

JONATHAN
Israel?

TRICK OR TREATER
The country Israel.

JONATHAN
Oh great. Israel. Wonderful. I mean. And obviously it's topical. In the news and that. Complicated of course. But. And. Mimi Snickers?

INTERIOR- PIRATES RETIREMENT HOME. TWO ELDERLY PIRATES SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN CHAIRS

Pirate 1

You know, the thing that always bothered me

Pirate 2

Yes?

P1

Is who Jolly Roger was.

P2

I don't think he was anyone. Just a sort of metaphor.

P1

Oh. I suppose that makes sense. No one could really look like that I suppose.

P2

Like what?

P1

Like Jolly Roger.

P2

Why not?

P1

Because it was all a bit skully.

P2

So? Blackbeard looked like that.

P1

Only after swinging from the gibbet for a couple of fortnights. It's not a look for a live person.

P2

So? Maybe Jolly Roger got caught. It happens you know.

P1

Of course, happened to Blackbeard.

P2

And Yohoho.

P1

A pirate called Yohoho? Don't be ridiculous.

P2

He used to be a Santa. Changed to a 'y' by deed poll.

P1

And he got hanged?

P2

Yep. Broke the pole. Didn't lose much weight in between jobs.Funnily enough it was for what he got up to as Santa that did it.

P1

I don't believe you.

P2

No water of my back. No worse a name than 'Jolly Roger' if you ask me.

THEY RUMINATE FOR A WHILE BEFORE A MAN DRESSED IS A BLACK CAPE WALKS OVER TO P1 AND DROPS HIS COWL; REVEALING HIS FACE IS A SKULL.

P1

Tim?

P2

Yes?

P1

What exactly *is* a metaphor?

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

APRIL PRICE, 7, parades her tattered football sock to the STUDENTS in front of the class.

APRIL:
And that's why I've worn this sock since 2 weeks ago.

STUDENT #1:
How would it bring your parents back together?

APRIL:
It's my dad's personal treasure. I know he'll come back for it. It's signed as well.

STUDENT #2:
So you wear it everywhere?

APRIL:
Yes. Even when I shower.

STUDENT #2:
And doesn't it get uncomfortable?

APRIL:
A little bit. But it reminds me of when my parents were together. That makes me feel better.

STUDENT #3:
How do you shower with it?

APRIL:
I put a plastic bag over it.

STUDENT #3:
It smells a bit.

APRIL:
I don't mind. It'll make mum pay more attention to me.

STUDENT #3:
Would she get mad at you?

APRIL:
No because I'll tell her that I'm wearing the divorce. And I'll only wash it when she gets back with dad.

STUDENT #3:
That's a great idea. But what about other strangers that can smell it? Stranger-danger.

APRIL:
People sitting in front of me on the bus turn their heads around sometimes. I think the smell would scare strangers away anyway.

STUDENT #4:
Does it get very hot and sweaty?

APRIL:
Yes. Especially after P.E class. But I turn it inside-out if I have to every 3 days.

STUDENT #4:
How long do you plan on wearing it?

APRIL:
Either until mum's had enough or dad comes back to find it. And then I would say this is what the divorce smells like.

PIRATE TRAINING

PIRATE TRAINING - DAY 1

JONATHAN ENTERS DINGY LOOKING WAREHOUSE AND IS WELCOMED BY A WELL DRESSED FEMALE RECEPTIONIST

JONATHAN
I'm here about the pirate training.

RECEPTIONIST
What ye saying ya miserable scallywag! I'll have ye wawk the plank wid yer erse round yur neck!

JONATHAN (confused)
I'm sorry, I'm here about the pirate training?

RECEPTIONIST
Ahh well I can see yur gunnae be hord work.

JONATHAN
But I've seen all the Pirates of the Caribbean films.

RECEPTIONIST
All eight hundred thousand, ninety hundred and sixty four?

JONATHAN
All of them.

RECEPTIONIST
Back to back?

JONATHAN
Back to back!

RECEPTIONIST
Pirate copies?

JONATHAN
No, originals.

RECEPTIONIST
Arghhhhh! You've a lot to learn. I tell ya when I first saw Johnny he couldn't even so much as look at an eye patch let alone wear one.

JONATHAN
I see.

RECEPTIONIST
Awe aye but he couldn't. Stupid bastard thought two would suit him better. Thought it made him more "likeable".

JONATHAN
I liked him.

RECEPTIONIST
Awe did ye now? What about Knightley? Did ye like her?

JONATHAN
Yea, thought she was great.

RECEPTIONIST
Skinny bitch!

JONATHAN
What?

RECEPTIONIST
Nothing.

JONATHAN
So about this training....

RECEPTIONIST (proper)
Yes, sorry. That's next door. We're just a gift shop.

JONATHAN
Oh, right. Okay.

JONATHAN LEAVES

CUT TO: A PIECE OF PAPER THAT HAS "ALICE" AND "JENNY" ON IT WITH A SCORING SYSTEM. RECEPTIONIST PUTS ANOTHER TICK NEXT TO ALICE.

VOICE FROM BACK OF STORE:
Another one?

RECEPTIONIST
Yip! 6 - 4 to me.

VOICE FROM BACK OF STORE:
Arghhh!

RECEPTIONIST
Arghhh!

END.

Shipwrecked

MAN

Good day sir.

PIRATE

What's good about it? I'm sick as a parrot and only one leg to stand on.

PARROT ( on his shoulder )

Ship ahoy, ship ahoy.

PIRATE

Shut up!

PARROT

Oh arrrgh oh arrgh shut up!

MAN

What brings you here sir?

PIRATE

Gold, riches.

MAN

There's none of that sir, all you'll find here is sand, sea and blue skies sir.

PIRATE

I'll wait for the next ship there's bound to be one soon. The last one sank . I lost everything even my leg's floating out to sea somewhere. Where's the nearest tavern? I need a drink.

MAN

There'll be none here sir. Here have some of mine ( he produces a coconut )

PIRATE

Do you have a whiskey chaser?

MAN

No sir.

PARROT

Screw the Cap'n screw the Cap'n.

PIRATE

Shut up! Stand and deliver. Give me your money and your jewellery!

PARROT

Pieces of eight pieces of eight.

MAN

Shut up! There'll be none of that here sir. Pirates took all sir then shipwrecked me sir.

PIRTE

Stop calling me sir the name's Blackbeard.

MAN

Pleased to meet you sir. My name's Robinson Crusoe.

PARROT ( flying off )

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

P1: Hello I am here for the pirate class

P2: Pirate class we don''t do pirate classes.

P1; Yes you do it is on your sign. Classes 7:00 pirate class, 8:00 Zumba

P2: You mean pilates.

P1: Po-ta-to pot-a-to to-ma-to tom-eto pil-a-tes, pirates. Its all the same.

P2: No it isn't one is a type of exercise, that other, is pirates

P1: God bloody pronunciation khmer rougers, you give grammar nazis a bad name you do.

P2: It isn't pronunciation its a different spelling with a different meaning

P1: Different spelling? that's deliberate? Oh I thought someone might have just misspelt pirates with a L. You know don't want to criticises in case someone was dyslexic. Its hard, I know some of my best friends are dyslexic

P2: I see,that's very odd anyway can I sign you up for some pilates classes

P1: No its fine I might just go to the lecture you have on instead. The Birth of the television

P2: Ah yes that is very interesting I went last year, who knew the inventor of the television was John Yogi Bear.

P1: Really fascinating, I guess he really was smarter than the average bear

PIRATE 1- Well Shipmates, we've searched the coast of every isle east of Hispaniola and finally
we've found the right stretch of beach on this'ere treasure map.
-All we gotta do, is take 200 paces due east of this palm tree and the loot be ours!
Ready lads?...

PIRATES-
Yarr!!...

PIRATE1-
Right .. 1....2.....3.....

PIRATE2-
Wait a minute! Aren't at least 1of us meant to be walkin' as well as countin' ?...
What about thee?...

PIRATE1-
Well,.... No, I see myself more in a supervisory, middle-management role....and thee?...

PIRATE2-
Aye?...

PIRATE1-
"Gangley Ned"

PIRATE2-
- I figured my unfeasibly long gait 'll throw the measurements right off!
-What about him?....

PIRATE3-
Who me...?

PIRATE2-
"Lopsided Stumpy Jim"

PIRATE3-
I thought I'd lead you off in ever decreasing circles...

PIRATE2-
No - I reckon your shorter left leg would balance out the inner ear infection in your right ear...
What about 'ee?

PIRATE4-
Walk 200 paces... With my asthma?...

PIRATE2-
Ok... That's "Blue Peter" out....

PIRATE5-
How's about me?

PIRATES1-4-
Yee?

PIRATE5-
Aye!...

PIRATES1-
"Blind Donald"?

PIRATE5-
I'm not blind!

PIRATE1-
Why are you talking to that palm tree?

PIRATE5-
I can see perfectly - Look, there's a pin down there...

PIRATE1-
You put that down there earlier!

PIRATE5-
No I didn't!

PIRATE1-
I'm sorry, maybe I was wrong... Come over here and give me a big hug....

PIRATE5-
Um...Alright.... Errrrgh! ( violent screams)

PIRATE1-
Didn't see me cutlass though did yee?
- So basically, what with "Increasingly Agrophobic Pugh" and " Skateboards-for-Feet Tony",
none of the crew can walk 200 paces in a straight line in sandy conditions .....
It's almost like we don't want to find the treasure!...that's it then, back on board, Me Hearties!...

PIRATE2-
Well all that treasure-huntin was a waste a time... Like putting that hand-rail on the gangplank,
now Blind Donald Is dead....Of course we could just sail 200 paces up the coastline?....

PIRATE1-
No, let's look for a more conveniently located horde...
I reckon it's the seeking's more important than the finding...
We're no use on shore-leave with "wine, women and song",
we'd live the high life till we had gout in our wooden legs. - We're happier under sail,
with"rum, bum and concertina", frequenting every Molly House this side of Cheapside with "Jolly Rogering Roger".
Where to boys?...

PIRATE2-
I fancy trying Mykonos again...

PIRATE1-
I don't wanna have to fight off those giant crabs I caught again, my barnacles are still blistered from the last time!...

PIRATE3-
Ibiza?...

PIRATE1-
€20 for a bottle of water! Now that is piracy!....

INT. DAY.
AN OLD TRINKET SHOP. A YOUNG MAN IN HIS TWENTIES RUSHES IN THE DOOR. AN OLDER MAN IN HIS FIFTIES IS WAITING FOR HIM ARMS FOLDED.

BOSS:
Late again! What's your excuse this time Frederick?

KEVIN:
It's Kevin sir.

BOSS:
Well I prefer Frederick. Have you a problem with that?

KEVIN:
Oh no sir. No way.

BOSS:
Good. Now what happened this time? A train got sick on your shoes? An avalanche in your kitchen? Burnt your elbows with soup?

KEVIN:
Oh no sir nothing like that. I got into a fight.

BOSS:
Great! So you weren't in here doing your job. No, instead you were picking a fight with some hooligan.

KEVIN:
He wasn't a hooligan sir.

BOSS:
Oh ok, this fine upstanding citizen took it upon himself to start a brawl in the middle of the street.

KEVIN:
It wasn't a he, I mean, maybe it was. I'm not sure.

BOSS:
What are you telling me, you got beaten up by a girl?

KEVIN:
No it was a lmfmm...(mumbling)

BOSS:
Oh that's lovely altogether. Where would we all be if we were all mumbling Martins like that? Nothing would ever get done. Now who were you fighting? Tell me or (loud) DON'T TELL ME!!

KEVIN:
Ok, ok it was a llama alright, a ferret.

BOSS:
You're not telling me that you got into a fight with a ferret Martin?

KEVIN:
It's Kevin sir.

BOSS:
Apologies Fredrick, a ferret!!? I can't believe this. I mean just when I thought we were getting our heads above water. The buried treasure trade is on the up. Eye patches and wooden legs have never been more popular and now you want to wreck all of that by fighting ferrets.

KEVIN:
I think you're mistaken sir. It's a pirate that's associated with those things, not a ferret.

BOSS:
What's the difference?

KEVIN:
What's the difference? Well one is a sea-faring, eye-patch wearing criminal who talks in ooh's and arrgh's and plunders the land and the other is a sort of rat-catching weasel.

BOSS:
So do you make it a habit of fighting ferrets?

KEVIN:
Yeah it is a bit of a habit I suppose. They are renowned for their anti-pirate sentiment.

BOSS:
But you're not a pirate.

KEVIN:
Narr, I suppose not, narr.

A FERRET WALKS PAST THE WINDOW, STOPS AND STICKS UP HIS MIDDLE FINGER. KEVIN STRIPS TO PIRATE GEAR IN SECONDS ALA A SUPERHERO. THEY BOTH RUN FOR EACH OTHER AND A HUGE CLASH ENSUES.

END.

1 vote Gappy.

Comic premise was clear from the start and won my attention. I think that's what people need to do more otherwise it'll be hard winning me over halfway through.

So please I want to vote for you not God damn Gappy he has too many points!

Well, strcitly speaking, gangster, there's another 11 hours left for people to enter, so you might get a chance to recast your vote yet. We quite often get excellent entries ion the last few hours before midnight.

But, obviously, you should still vote for me, like

Yes. Gappy again.

Otterfox