INT: Black
There's a terrifying bang. Then black.
Fred Peters
Oh no not again.
Baumski
Where are we?
Fred Peters
Dam, I think its happened again.
Baumski
What? I don't like it here.
Fred Peters
F**king sitcom competitions.
Baumski
I tried one of those. But...
Fred Peters
But what?
Baumski
Just but... tell me.
Fred Peters
I think we've been sucked into the British Sitcom website.
Baumski
How on earth can that happen?
Fred Peters
Some of those sitcom competitions are a bit iffy. If there's more than one winner they just implode. Keep telling the bastards, but will they listen.
Baumski
So now we're in hell.
Fred Peters
Close. Very close... The British Sitcom Guide website.
Baumski
So how do we get out of here?
There's the sound of an emergency generator kicking in and the lights come on.
Baumski (Continued)
Its not very nice here... Ugh... What have put my hand in?
Fred Peters
Hello Simon, your here as well, so you entered.
Simon Stratton
Yeah.
Fred Peters
Don't you hate it when this happens.
Simon Stratton
Yeah. Been here before though. Me and Cinnamon are going to take a look around. See what we can nick.
Fred Peters
Hello Cinnamon didn't see you there.
Cinnamon
Hi, see you later...
Simon and Cinnamon wander off.
Cinnamon (Continued)
(To Simon) I'm looking for a plot about Friends. A bit like Friends. Only about a group of Friends...
Baumski
My question?
Fred Peters
What question?
Baumski
How the hell do we get out of here?
Fred Peters
Oh that question... Look, isn't this interesting? Look down there.
Baumski
What on earth is it?
Fred Peters
Its must be the BSG cesspit. All the hate a vile thoughts of the members goes in there. Don't get to close or the venom will spit back at you.
Baumski
I feel sick.
Fred Peters
Yeah, I feel like that all the time.
Baumski
Why is it so large?
Fred Peters
All those frustrated hopes. Anyway it never gets cleaned out. No contract cleaners will touch it. Not even those that deal with nuclear waste. Its far to hazardous.
Baumski
Every where I look its so... so... so tacky?
Fred Peters
Everything is covered with HTML, now that always looks ugly... Come, lets go and see what we can find. We'll be spending the night here, that's for sure. Things could get even more ugly. We might see some PHP... or SQL... or Java...
Baumski
And that awful smell?
Fred Peters
That's Aaron, his colostomy bag keeps overflowing and leaking into the website.
CUT TO: Simon and Cinnamon are outside a door with the words THE BSG LADIES on it. They both leap with joy.
Simon Stratton
Great, found it at last. What wild wonders are behind this door?
Cinnamon
We could be here for some time, my friend.
Enthusiastically they enter. Inside its a very large room, but unfortunately almost empty.
Jude
Hi, and welcome to the naked room. I'm here to make your dreams come true.
Simon Stratton
Err... Are ladies supposed to have beards?
Jude
Your not one of those male chauvinists are you? Because you will see what you most desire.
Cinnamon
And, I have to say this, your a little on the large size. Not at all like your Avatar at all.
Jude
I've been waiting some time for my two sweet boys. So lets get started shall we... Simon, bend over I'm coming in.
There's a terrible look of disappointment over Simon's face.
Simon Stratton
(Muffled) That doesn't feel much like a lady.
Cinnamon is edging away.
Jude
Come back Cinnamon, my love, your next.
CUT TO: Fred and Baumski are standing on a hillside looking down at a giant machine. Lots of little people are feeding filth into the machine.
Fred Peters
Look their turning old BSG sketches into scenes from “The IT Crowd”.
Baumski
Oh yes, I always wondered how that was done.
Fred Peters
That's ironic that.
Baumski
Why?
Fred Peters
The writer of “The IT Crowd” wouldn't know what a computer looked like if it hit him in the face with a wet fish. His idea of technology is the crayon.
Baumski
Oh yes, you never hear any of his characters say anything remotely sensible about IT. Why they don't know the difference between a router and a switch. Everyone knows that.
Fred Peters
And to think all his material comes from a old style website.
Baumski and Fred Peters Together
Now that's ironic.
CUT TO: Just outside a massive warehouse deep in the bowels of the BSG website. The warehouse stretches for miles into the distance, as far as the eye can see. Two figures are outside the tiny front door. Simon is walking awkwardly due to his previous encounter.
Simon Stratton
What's through that door?
Cinnamon pushes the door open and peeks through.
Cinnamon
Oh my God. I just don't believe it... This must be Leevil's private store of points. There must be millions and millions of points in there. No wonder he can give himself the odd fifty or so.
They both enter.
Simon Stratton
Look at these. Some of these points are made of gold. We never get points like these. The selfish bastard.
Cinnamon
How many points are there. Look at all those sacks up against the wall. Christ I can't even pick one up... And there are hundreds in this pile alone... And that bastard only hands us one or two points at a time. The miser... And look at all this dust. Some of these points have been here for years. He's been hiding this lot away all this time. His own private treasure trove.
Simon Stratton
I always thought it was a myth. You know, the story of Leevil's points, it was a story told to young writers to stop them wanting to become BSG Moderators. We all know that's a wast of time, kills your career.
Cinnamon
I have an idea. What about if burn this lot...
Simon Stratton
Oh no, Leevil will not like that. Anyway someone's PC could catch fire.
Cinnamon
But Leevil will lose all his points.
Simon Stratton
I do like that idea. Okay, lets start a fire...
Anyone with their PC currently switched on: could they please turn if off now as its about to melt. Sorry, too late, could they please call the fire brigade and run screaming from the building.
CUT TO: Simon and Cinnamon are sitting watching the warehouse (and your PC) burn. Simon is sitting uncomfortable on a cushion.
Simon Stratton
We have to get out of here.
Cinnamon
You know that means having to enter that competition again.
Simon Stratton
I'm sick to death of those wretched competition.
Cinnamon
I have it. How about if we kill off some of the entrants. Fewer entrants. Then its more likely someone will win.
Simon Stratton
How could we do that?
Cinnamon
We wire up the BSG emergency generator to their keyboard. When they upload their sketch, bang their dead... Gives a whole new meaning to Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Doesn't work every time though. Sometimes they end up being a zombie.
Simon Stratton
I still not sure.
Cinnamon
This is writing. Sometimes there are casualties. The odd writer drops dead somewhere, who'll notice.
Simon Stratton
I don't want to get caught? I'm not going to spend the rest of my life writing unwanted episodes of Porridge.
Cinnamon
What, some fried writer end up slumped over a PC. Happens all the time. I've done it before you know.
Simon Stratton
How do we know if their uploading to the right topic.
Cinnamon
You don't, I'm sure they'll understand, its in a good cause.
Simon Stratton
Okay, lets find that generator.
CUT TO: A glowing keyboard. Your keyboard.
