ROMESH INTRO: The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is establishing plans to control or possibly turn the internet off in Russia in case of increased civil unrest or serious military confrontation. If the military confrontation is insincere they'll probably just switch browsers.
PUTIN: Comrades, the Internet is dangerous. The Soviet... Russia's digital sovereignty is far too compromised, social media is a tool that can disrupt the status quo and there are cats everywhere. LOLCATS, grumpy cats, ninja cats, its a veritable pussy riot.
CRONY #1: You like keyboard cat, Mr President.
PUTIN: Yes I do, he is very funny, a pussycat playing a keyboard, this is not possible. I also like finding out more about my hero, but I have to sacrifice my hero for the good of the motherland.
CRONY #1: You want us to assassinate Chuck Norris, Mr President?
PUTIN: Nyet, nyet, nyet. Chuck Norris is indestructible. I want you to turn the Internet off.
CRONY #2: We don't know how to, Mr President.
CRONY #1: We could look on the Internet to find out how.
PUTIN. Da, but remember to delete your history so no one can find out what you were looking at.
CRONY #2: Mr President, our comrades might not like the Internet being turned off.
PUTIN: Russia and our beloved countrymen need to be protected from American spies, data thieves, lies from the west and spoilers for Game of Thrones.
CRONY #1: Oh, have you seen the latest episode, I couldn't believe...
PUTIN: Stop, I don't want to know, I haven't got series 4 yet.
CRONY #1: Mr President, we will start annexing it for you right away.
PUTIN: Comrades, we will defeat this special CIA project and build our own Russian Internet, bigger and better than the world has ever seen. An Internet where dogs provide the lols, an Internet where you can use 141 characters to say how great I am, and an Internet where more pictures of me riding dangerous animals can be posted. Welcome to the Putin-ternet.
CRONY #2: If you like those pictures, Mr President, we can photoshop more of them for you.
PUTIN: Photoshop? What is this Photoshop?