British Comedy Guide

"Taxi Driver" ~ 3m

Int. Taxi (Stationary) - Night

Taxi Driver
What the f**k do you think you're doing?

Man
Taking you as my hostage. Now, take me to Brunswick Station.

[The man reaches behind from the back seat and drapes his arm around the Taxi Driver's neck and gun pointed to his head with the other arm.]

Taxi Driver
Hey easy there with that gun, but I love that place, I grew up there.

Man
That's cool, I met my girl there and I'm visiting her mother in law.

[Car starts moving. They both start talking in a low husky voice]

Taxi Driver
That place has changed a lot. Kids there are dressing more trendy.

Man
Yes a lot has changed since they let me out on parole after doing some time for armed robbery.

Taxi Driver
This driving gig is quite tough. People come and go. It's like life passes you by with each new face you see.

Man
I know that feeling. Killing time in my cell while the rest of the world moves on.

Taxi Driver
Tell me about it. You know what annoys me most about this job? I have to be responsible for drunk people and the mess they make in my backseat.

Man
That is terrible! You think well-dressed business people would make good compliant hostages - but they are the most annoying to work. They have too much to lose so they get desperate and try to pull funny stuff on you.

Taxi Driver
Yes they are very uptight, the more well dressed they are.

Man
Such a pain in the arse.

Taxi Driver
You know that old saying that the customers are always right?

Man
Yeah?

Taxi Driver
Well that's full of shit. I'm right. I've been driving this taxi for 14 years - what would they know? Don't you tell me how I should drive!

Man
I know, it's ridiculous how devoid of empathy my hostages are. I would really appreciate it if they complimented me on what a great job I'm doing. It's not easy pulling off a bank heist while baby sitting sulky grown ups.

Taxi Driver
Exactly, small compliments go a long way. It doesn't take that much time to just stop thinking about yourself for once and just say something nice.

Man
I actually think you're a wonderful hostage. You're very easy to relate to and you make my job so much more pleasant.

Taxi Driver
Thanks I really appreciate that. It always makes me happy when clients tell me how happy they are with my service.

Man
Well this is the best taxi ride I've ever been on. I'm going to tip you.

Taxi Driver
That means a lot to me, more than you think.

[Car stops.]

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