England and Scotland domestic

England: Don't go please

Scotland: To late. I saw you with that dirty slut America, you were all over her

England: We were just talking that's all.

Scotland: That's not what Russia said.

England: Ask France they will tell you.

Scotland: I don't care what France says, when I wake up in the morning I want you gone.

England: What about the kids? It's them who'll suffer

Scotland: You should have thought about that before you got into bed with America.

England: Can we at least talk about it?

Scotland: Talk? If it weren't for the kids I would have gone years ago.

England: Please don't leave me. Think about the kids not about me.

Scotland: Okay I'll stay until they are older. But as soon as Wales and Northern Ireland grow up and move out I'm leaving you forever.

England: Okay, now let's settle down and have a nice cuppa.

...

England: Can we at least talk about it?

Scotland: Talk? If it weren't for the kids I would have gone years ago.

England: Please don't leave me, I need you. The kids need you. And you need us. You can't survive on your own. And I've still got those photos.

Scotland: Okay I'll stay until they are older. But as soon as Wales and Northern Ireland grow up and move out I'm leaving you forever.

England: Okay, we'll see, now let's settle down and have a nice cuppa.

SCOTLAND SETTLED DOWN NEXT TO ENGLAND AS ENGLAND STROKED HER HAIR

...

England: Let's just sit down and talk about it? Hmmm?

"Talk?" said Scotland, unsure, "If it weren't for the kids I would have gone years ago.

"There, there," said England as Scotland sat next to him on the sofa. "You won't leave me will you, Scotty, you won't ever leave me. Leave me and the kids? That would be so selfish and manipulative of you."

"Okay," said Scotland with a sigh, "I'll stay until they're older. But as soon as Wales and Northern Ireland grow up and move out I'm leaving you, you know, forever."

"Okay," said England, patting Scotlands knee, "Let's just see shall we see? Now. Let's settle down. Your program's coming on."

While Scotland settled into Englands lap, England started stroking her hair. "There, there." he said. "You can stay here forever."

That's a lovely critique Mikey apart from the fact it isn't a critique at all is it?

I'm just joining in the fun man - Just thought it would be nice a bit darker

It's a good and original idea - shame it's been overtaken by events.

Quote: Marc P @ 20th September 2014, 3:57 PM BST

That's a lovely critique Mikey apart from the fact it isn't a critique at all is it?

View original

And thanks for saying it was lovely.

I actually took the opposite angle with my sketch (which was performed by NewsRevue in this year's and last year's Edinburgh Festival) where Scotland was leaving (but really bluffing) with England not giving a stuff.

It went something like this:

TWO PEOPLE ON STAGE; A WOMAN SITTING DOWN WITH A SIGN SAYING "ENGLAND" PINNED TO HER CHEST, A MAN STANDING UP WITH "SCOTLAND" PINNED TO HIS CHEST.

SCOTLAND: England. My people want me to be free. Therefore, I've made an important decision. I'm leaving you.

ENGLAND LOOKS UP. SHE DOESN'T SEEM BOTHERED AT ALL. AND OH SO CASUALLY -

ENGLAND: All right then. See you.

SCOTLAND IS PERTURBED BY HER LAID BACK ATTITUDE.

SCOTLAND: I'm being serious. I'm walking out that door and I'm not coming back.

ENGLAND: Okay. Fine by me.

DAMN. THIS ISN'T WORKING IN THE WAY SCOTLAND HAD HOPED.

SCOTLAND: I'm not mucking about.

ENGLAND: Nor am I.

SCOTLAND MOOCHES TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. HE HANGS AROUND, NERVOUS, AWKWARD. THEN HE HEADS BACK TO ENGLAND.

SCOTLAND: I don't have to go. I can stay if that's what you want.
ENGLAND: Actually, it's not what I want. Ta-ta.

SCOTLAND: Oh. (THINKS ABOUT IT, THEN) Oh, come on, this is silly.

ENGLAND: No, it's not. Everybody's bored of your little "will you go, won't you go" act.

SCOTLAND: David Cameron doesn't want me to leave.

ENGLAND: David Cameron doesn't have to live with you. Close the door on your way out

ONCE AGAIN, SCOTLAND SLOWLY MOOCHES TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. HE LOOKS BACK.

SCOTLAND: Right. I'll be off then.

ENGLAND: Yeah, bye.

SCOTLAND: You'll miss me when I'm gone.

ENGLAND: Yep. Like a hole in the head.

SCOTLAND FEELS DEJECTED. ONE LAST LOOK BACK. AND THEN HE'S GONE. ENGLAND IS PLEASED. SHE PRODUCES A MOBILE PHONE, PUNCHES NUMBERS AND -

ENGLAND: Hi, Wales. It's England here. Great news. Scotland's finally buggered off. Party round here tonight. Oh, and bring Northern Ireland along too. Finally, we've all got something to celebrate.

Anyway a nice sketch Carlos. I don't think it would offend anybody. Maybe an extra punch from Scotland at the end . Scottish drink versus English tea based. Or 'aye... And What say you, we have a nice slice of Clootie Dumpling with that..?

Something to tie it up in a punch I guess is what I mean.

Meanwhile, back at Buckingham Palace

THE QUEEN
Phheeeeeelllleeeeeeeeep! Pheeleeeep my love? Where is my Pheeelleeeep?

Philip entered the room

PHILIP
Good God! What is this racket? What on earth are you banging on about woman?

THE QUEEN
Pheeeeeleeeeeep, my darling. Pheeeeleeeep. Pheeeleeep, What of this Scotland I hear of my sugar? My Pheeeleeep?

PHILIP
Can a man not have any peace!? Good Grief! Just leave me alone woman!

THE QUEEEN
Pheeeleeeep. My Darling, Pheeleeep? What of this Scot land? My Pheeeleeeep? My Darling?

Philip sat down, and turned the television on

PHILIP
My God! Won't you ever leave me alone woman. For Christ's sake? It's up north I think, near Newcastle or whatever. Bloody bint?!