A horse walks in to a bar

A HORSE WALKS IN TO A BAR (EPISODE 1 OF CLASSIC JOKE REVISIONS)

BARMAN
Why the long face?

HORSE
Excuse me?

BARMAN
It's a joke

HORSE
My wife just died

BARMAN
Oh shit, sorry. I thought -

HORSE
You thought wrong. Now, can I order a drink or what?

BARMAN
Of course, my apologies. This one is on me.

HORSE
It will be any more of your cheek

BARMAN
Hey, that'll do donkey

HORSE
Did you just call me a donkey?

BARMAN
It's a line from Shrek. Sorry I couldn't resist. I wasn't calling you a donkey.

HORSE
My wife was a donkey

BARMAN
Oh, shit, really? I'm really sorry, I'm digging myself a bigger hole here, it's been a long day, I apologise - what do you want to drink? Anything you want...and I'll leave you to drink in peace

HORSE
Can I have a pint of your finest red.

BARMAN RETURNS WITH A PINT OF RED WINE

BARMAN
Can I get you anything else?

HORSE
Yea, can you switch to channel 4 for the Grand National?

BARMAN
Of course. Do you erm, you know, is one of your friends in the race?

HORSE
You think cause I'm a horse I know every other horse do you?

BARMAN
No, no, not at all.

HORSE
Yea, I know every f**king one of those c**ts.

BARMAN
Oh.

HORSE
You see it says "Will Kill When Drunk" Number 7 is a non-runner

BARMAN
Yea.

HORSE DOWNS PINT OF WINE AND SMILES

A SUDDEN PANIC COMES OVER THE BARMAN

HORSE
Why the long face?

WE HEAR A HORSE "NEIGH" & THE SOUND OF SMASHING GLASS.

END

quite like it

Really like the first half, love the sense of affront the horse has. Not sure about the ending; perhaps some other gag tropes could come in and the barman could accidentally insult them too...?

I liked it very much.

I liked it as well but I think you need to trim it right down. You could lose 4-6 lines to make it tighter without losing anything. The swearing doesn't add anything either so I would lose it. Hope you don't mind me playing around with it below.

(EPISODE 1 OF CLASSIC JOKE REVISIONS)

A HORSE WALKS IN TO A BAR

BARMAN (deliberately)
Why the long face?

HORSE
My wife just died

BARMAN
Oh shit, sorry. I thought -

HORSE
You thought wrong.

BARMAN (handing over drink)
My apologies. This one is on me.

HORSE
Apology accepted

BARMAN (thinking of something to say blurts out in mock Scottish accent)
Hey, that'll do donkey

HORSE
Did you just call me a donkey?

BARMAN (flustered)
No! Yes! No,It's a line from Shrek. I wasn't calling you a donkey.

HORSE
My wife was a donkey

BARMAN (handing over pint)
Oh, shit, really? Have another pint.....on the house.

HORSE (pointing hoof at TV)
Can you switch to channel 4 for the Grand National?

BARMAN
Of course. is one of your friends in the race?

HORSE (angry)
You think cause I'm a horse I know every other horse do you?

BARMAN
No, no, not at all.

HORSE
Well I do. Every one of those donkey hating bastards

BARMAN
Oh.

HORSE
You see it says "Will Kill When Drunk" is a non-runner

BARMAN (quizzically)
Yes

HORSE DOWNS PINT AND SMILES

A SUDDEN PANIC COMES OVER THE BARMAN

HORSE
Why the long face?

WE HEAR A HORSE "NEIGH" & THE SOUND OF SMASHING GLASS.

END

Quote: Mikey88 @ 11th September 2014, 6:50 PM BST

quite like it

View original

I quite like your comment.

Quote: gappy @ 11th September 2014, 7:24 PM BST

Really like the first half, love the sense of affront the horse has. Not sure about the ending; perhaps some other gag tropes could come in and the barman could accidentally insult them too...?

View original

Cheers Gappy. I have a long list of the other gag tropes to come so don't want to reveal them too soon.

Quote: beaky @ 11th September 2014, 8:57 PM BST

I liked it very much.

View original

Glad you liked it beaky! nice to see you in the critique section

Quote: Will Cam @ 11th September 2014, 10:33 PM BST

I liked it as well but I think you need to trim it right down. You could lose 4-6 lines to make it tighter without losing anything. The swearing doesn't add anything either so I would lose it. Hope you don't mind me playing around with it below.

(EPISODE 1 OF CLASSIC JOKE REVISIONS)

A HORSE WALKS IN TO A BAR

BARMAN (deliberately)
Why the long face?

HORSE
My wife just died

BARMAN
Oh shit, sorry. I thought -

HORSE
You thought wrong.

BARMAN (handing over drink)
My apologies. This one is on me.

HORSE
Apology accepted

BARMAN (thinking of something to say blurts out in mock Scottish accent)
Hey, that'll do donkey

HORSE
Did you just call me a donkey?

BARMAN (flustered)
No! Yes! No,It's a line from Shrek. I wasn't calling you a donkey.

HORSE
My wife was a donkey

BARMAN (handing over pint)
Oh, shit, really? Have another pint.....on the house.

HORSE (pointing hoof at TV)
Can you switch to channel 4 for the Grand National?

BARMAN
Of course. is one of your friends in the race?

HORSE (angry)
You think cause I'm a horse I know every other horse do you?

BARMAN
No, no, not at all.

HORSE
Well I do. Every one of those donkey hating bastards

BARMAN
Oh.

HORSE
You see it says "Will Kill When Drunk" is a non-runner

BARMAN (quizzically)
Yes

HORSE DOWNS PINT AND SMILES

A SUDDEN PANIC COMES OVER THE BARMAN

HORSE
Why the long face?

WE HEAR A HORSE "NEIGH" & THE SOUND OF SMASHING GLASS.

END

View original

Not sure quite how to take this Will.

It's like you took all the personality out of my characters. I think you overtightened it to be honest and removed too much of the banter. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your feedback. Appreciated as always.

I like the original version,
brilliant!
this is proper lol funny, thanks for making my laugh,

That might have been one of the funniest scripts I've read on here, I'm still laughing now. :-)

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 12th September 2014, 2:03 PM BST

I like the original version,
brilliant!
this is proper lol funny, thanks for making my laugh,

That might have been one of the funniest scripts I've read on here, I'm still laughing now. :-)

View original

As far as responses go for writing something funny you don't get much better than that

Glad it made you laugh and hopefully my follow up's make you LOL just as much!

Quote: Craig H @ 12th September 2014, 12:00 PM BST

Not sure quite how to take this Will.

It's like you took all the personality out of my characters. I think you overtightened it to be honest and removed too much of the banter.

View original

I have to admit, I liked the abridged version more - to my mind there's plenty of opportunity for character in the delivery of lines like "You thought wrong".

It's a perennial issue, though: one of my sketch team is alwasy saying stuff like "I thought it would be interesting if this character only used military similes when he spoke, gives a depth of character", whereas my take is much more "get the f**ker into the shop, saying the funny stuff, and then out again - it's not bleeding War & Peace"

Quote: gappy @ 12th September 2014, 3:38 PM BST

I have to admit, I liked the abridged version more - to my mind there's plenty of opportunity for character in the delivery of lines like "You thought wrong".

It's a perennial issue, though: one of my sketch team is alwasy saying stuff like "I thought it would be interesting if this character only used military similes when he spoke, gives a depth of character", whereas my take is much more "get the f**ker into the shop, saying the funny stuff, and then out again - it's not bleeding War & Peace"

View original

My horse would never have accepted the barman's apology. Fact. I know that horse gappy. He ain't the forgiving type.

My question is where would you seek to place this Craig? Apart from here?

Quote: Craig H @ 12th September 2014, 12:00 PM BST

Not sure quite how to take this Will.

It's like you took all the personality out of my characters. I think you overtightened it to be honest and removed too much of the banter. Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your feedback. Appreciated as always.

View original

I liked the original Craig. Did you edit if yourself or was yours the first draft?

Quote: Marc P @ 12th September 2014, 4:05 PM BST

My question is where would you seek to place this Craig? Apart from here?

View original

In my book of revised, reversed, updated and perversely edited take on classic jokes. Other than that...not even thought about it. I'm open to suggestions though - you're on 10% commission!

Quote: Will Cam @ 12th September 2014, 4:35 PM BST

I liked the original Craig. Did you edit if yourself or was yours the first draft?

View original

Thanks again Will. First draft without an edit. I read it back a few times and I was happy with it. I thought it flowed quite well. If anything I was slightly unsure about the ending but to me it was more of a funny piece of dialogue than a big pay off punchline effort.

Quote: Craig H @ 12th September 2014, 3:46 PM BST

My horse would never have accepted the barman's apology. Fact. I know that horse gappy. He ain't the forgiving type.

View original

Yes, that's the line that stuck out for me too, doesn't quite fit in, does it?

Enjoyed it - seemed something that might work on Bojack Horsemen (cue googling).

Only things I'd say are:
- I would takes the words 'Number 7' out of this line as it just interrupts the flow in my opinion
HORSE
You see it says "Will Kill When Drunk" Number 7 is a non-runner

- With this same line I would extend the name of his runner name to describe exactly what's happened for a bigger punch. I.e. something like...
HORSE
You see it says "Will Kill When Drunk And Insulted" is a non-runner

But yeah that's just me; you may take it with a pinch of salt but regardless, the punch line works well and I really like the circular structure.