Skit Comp 3 - 11.9.14

Particularly phwoarsome skitcomp so congratulations to me for winning. I'll PM myself with a subject for next week. I won't really. It's a joke.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - me
2 - 5 - Gappy
Speckled mention: Craig H

Your new subject: UTENSILS (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except gherkins.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 11.9.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 16 - Gappy
2 - 15 - Stylee
3 - 12 - me
4 - 10 - Tiggy
5 - 6 - Craig H
6 - 5 - Nick81, Otterfox

INT. MEDICAL THEATRE.

A SURGEON AND MEDICAL TEAM ARE PERFORMING AN OPERATION.

SURGEON:
Nurse, pass me the scalpel...

SURGEON:
And now clamp please...

SURGEON:
Tweezers please nurse...

SURGEON:
Knife..

SURGEON:
Fork...

SURGEON:
Just a little incision and there we go...

THE SURGEON HAS A SMALL BARBECUE IN THE THEATRE AND IS FRYING SOME INTESTINES ON IT.

SURGEON:
Has anyone got rolls and tomato relish by any chance?

[INTERIOR- LECTURE STUDIO, sparsely populated]

LECTURER:
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the newest in culinary technology; I present you with (pulls out knife from pocket) a knife!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1:
That's not new!

LECTURER (glaring):
Yes it is! It's a knife!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:
Someone's already invented that!

LECTURER:
No, no, nonononono; what has already been invented is a knife. I have invented a knife.

AM1:
That's the same thing!

LECTURER:
No it is not! Mine is spelt (plays mock-drumroll with knife) N-I-F-E! A revolution in culinary science!

AM 1sarcastically)
How? Does it cut quicker?

LECTURER (looking at him as if he is stupid):
Of course not.

AM1:
So what's the point?

LECTURER:
The point is, think about all the ink saved from recipe books- all those K's will be gone, the publishers will make more profit and more books for amateur cooks will be published! A reveloution!

AM 1:
You like that word, don't you

AM 2:
But amateur cooks are a disaster! If we want cooking to be accepted as a science- a proper,academic study-we need to make it more archaic and formidable. Like insist on publishing cookbooks in Latin or suchlike

AM 1 (disbelieving undertone):
Suchlike?!

LECTURER: (thoughtfully) :
Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that. (he fiddles with the knife for a bit, then brightens up). Ladies and gentlemen, a solution! A veritable reveloution-

AM1 (slightly-too-loud undertone):
It's amazing you don't get dizzy with all that revolving)

LECTURER (clearly annoyed):
As I was saying, a breakthrough in cooking as a science- the knife!

AM 1 (quieter undertone):
He really does go round in circles.

LECTURER:
Spelt, of course K-N-I-P-H-E!

AM 1:
For goodness sake! (stands up and strides out of the room. LECTURER looks astonished)

LECTURER:
What's got into him?

What did the Dolphin Cook say to the small crowd of animals watching him work?

"U Ten Seals will come in handy when I'm preparing dinner in the kitchen tonight"

JUST TOOLIN' AROUND

LIVING ROOM.
FAT BASTARD on couch.

V/O Sad? Lonely? Repulsively ugly?

BASTARD (nods)

V/O Need a scratch?

BASTARD (nods)

V/O Well here's our total and utter scratcher!

A machine from behind the couch scratches his gut and he smiles.

V/O Need a hug?

BASTARD (nods)

V/O Well here's our total and utter hugger!

A machine from behind the couch hugs him and he smiles.

V/O Anything else?

BASTARD A wank.

Justin Bieber comes from behind the couch.

JOHANNES - So Sacha, what have you and your team come up with?

SACHA - Well Johannes, it's tricky for an established company like ours,
with an already internationally recognized product, to come up with a successful
upgrade -
Basically, what are we, The Swiss Army Knife Company, going to do with
"the thing for getting stones out of horses hooves"?

ANDREAS - We could keep 'the thing', but rebrand it as something our
typical Swiss customer might actually use....?
I use it for picking the sultanas out of my muesli..

LARS - I use it as a fondu dipper.

NILS - I use mine to scrape the artists signatures off all those old paintings
in my Grandfathers loft.

EVERYONE ELSE - Shhhh!

NILS - Ooh sorry, is it avalanche season already ?
In that case, I also use it to saw through the spring on my cuckoo
clock before midday.

JOHANNES - Um, -So, we 're agreed? No-one uses it to get stones
out of horses hooves, not in modern Switzerland! For example,
my sleigh is pulled by a nice Turkish family...

[Clean, bright daytime TV studio kitchen. TOM and SABRINA behind long gleaming counter, smiling, mid-broadcast]

TOM [Suiting actions to his words] Then, after cracking your eggs, simply pour them back and forth between the two shell halves until the white has fully separated from the yolk, and drop them into the bowl. Now, here's the secret - it helps if the eggs are a little colder than room temperature. Sabrina?

SABRINA [Taking bowl from TOM] That's right, Tom. Now, before we go adding the sugar, it's time to beat the whites - yes, that's right, we're after those "stiff peaks" everyone talks about. Just get stuck in there and use some elbow grease with a good old-fashioned egg whisk. Now, egg whisks come in all shapes and sizes, but I like this classic stainless steel version that I actually inherited from my mother. So, just start whisking vigorously and-

TOM: Sorry, Sabrina, can I interrupt?

SABRINA; [Uncertain; we're off script here] Yes, Tom?

TOM: They're not.

SABRINA: They're not...what...?

TOM: It's not true. Twice.

SABRINA [Desperate glance of camera. Forced chuckle] I think you've lost me there, Tom.

TOM: Egg whisks don't come in "all shapes and sizes", do they?

SABRINA: Yes, I suppose you're right, Tom. So-

TOM: [Speech moves through venom to mania over duration] You told a falsehood, Sabrina - we cannot allow that. Egg whisks don't come in all shapes, that would be ludicrous. They come in a small variety of shapes instantly identifiable as egg whisks, and in sizes tailored towards the size of an egg, and the average human hand. Plus, in shape terms, it would make no business sense to manufacture an egg-shisking utensil without a clear area specifically designed to beat eggs. Completely futile. This allegation that they come in some infinitudinous variety of shapes and sizes is iniquitous and misleading. Have you ever seen an egg whisk shaped like an ampersand, a pentagram or a Black & Decker Workmate? No, because that would adversely affect any egg whisking potential, possibly to the exclusion of any possible success in the endeavour whatsoever. Any shape! "Oh, hi Tom, why's there a vintage Gibb's Aquada amphibious all-terrain vehicle hanging out the side of your kitchen?"; "There's not, that's my egg whisk"; "Oh yes, of course, how silly of me, after all they do come in all shapes and sizes"; "Yes, and this is much less hassle than the one I used to have, shaped like David Niven's face and the size of the planet Neptune". You can't disseminate these filthy fallacies on British television, you devious fork-toungued kitchen-hussy!!

SABRINA: [Pause. Listens to earpiece. Then overly brightly] You're right, Tom, I apologise.

TOM; [Back to normal immediately, pulling a bowl of lemons into shot] No problem. So, whilst Sabrina's busy with that, I'll turn my attention to making the meringue. We'll want to get a good few ounces of lemon zest, and I find the easiest way to do that is to use a cheesegrater.

[He bends beneath the desk and brings out a giant device, about 5 feet long. It is shaped like Mr Noseybonk from Jigsaw, with a pink swastika on his chest, a dachshund instead of a left arm, and a set of caterpillar tracks where his feet should be. He raises it awkwardly above his head and tries to run a lemon against it for a few moments, before collapsing out of shot]

An African tribe are playing rock, paper and scissors.

TECMUSEH
I win!

CHIEF BODAMAH
No. Scissors are more sharp than rock.

TECMUSEH
No. Scissors get broke by rock.

CHIEF BODAMAH
I tell you. Scissors very sharp, cut rock like knife through butter.

TECMUSEH
No. Rock smash scissors like sledgehammer to walnut.

CHIEF BODAMAH
My scissors those big fabric cutting ones. Your rock soft like Cat Stevens.

TECMUSEH
My rock hard like Led Zep. Your scissors Aldi bestbuy break after first use.

CHIEF BUDAMAH
Your rock not as hard my cock tonight in your wife.

TECMUSEH
My rock so big your wife wants my rock and my cock.

CHIEF BUDAMAH
My cock so big your wife think snake attacking her.

TECMUSEH
Your wife so big she hide your rock up herself.

CHIEF BUDAMAH
My scissors so...

TECMUSEH
Wait. I thought I was scissors?

CHIEF BUDAMAH
What? What am I?

KIBI THE FIRESTARTER
F**k it. I'll make dinner

END

Utensil?

No, I'm alright.

INT. DAY.
DOCTORS SURGERY. PETER ENTERS.

DOCTOR:
Ah Mr. Stilt, take a seat. Now how can I help you?

PETER:
It's the strangest thing, for about the last week or so when I shake my hand it sounds like there are loads of utensils in there.

DOCTOR:
Hmm...how odd. When you say "shake your hand" do you mean waving it about or shaking in as though you were greeting yourself.

PETER:
Why would I be greeting myself? It's when I shake it around.

DOCTOR:
Yes that is a much more important task than shaking hands with yourself. I just like to be sure about these things. Can you give it a bit of a shake there...

PETER SHAKES HIS HAND AND A SOUND LIKE A LOAD OF SPOONS RATTLING AROUND IN A WOODEN BOX CAN BE HEARD.

DOCTOR:
Good heavens that's very rattley altogether and if you can try the other shake...

PETER REACHES OUT HIS HAND TO SHAKE THE DOCTORS HAND.

DOCTOR:
Uuh! No, to yourself....

PETER SHAKES HIS HANDS AS IF BEING INTRODUCED TO HIMSELF.

DOCTOR:
Hmm... about six out of ten. Very good. I'd like to take what we refer to in the business as an "x-ray".

AS THE DOCTOR SAYS 'X-RAY' HE MAKES THE QUOTATION MARKS SIGNAL WITH HIS FINGERS.

DOCTOR:
I suppose if you did the quotation marks it would sound like a spoon fight at a Uri Geller festival.

THE DOCTORS LAUGHS AT HIS JOKE. PETER LOOKS UNIMPRESSED.

FADE OUT AND IN.

DOCTOR:
Right, we have the results of the x-ray. It looks as though you have a tiny drummer in your hand who has a desire to hit the drums when you shake your hand.

PETER:
My God! Really!?

DOCTOR:
No, not really! How could there be a drummer in there? Mr. Stilt you are suffering from nothing of the hand. There are no anomalies in there - its completely clear.

PETER:
So what can I do?

DOCTOR:
I'm going to give you a placebo. It's cobweb meat. A bunch of leftover flies after the spiders are done with them.

PETER:
You can't tell me that youre giving me a placebo. That defeats the whole purpose. I'd be eating dead, dry flies for nothing.

DOCTOR:
Very true...would you like one anyway?
THE DOCTOR HANDS PETER A JAR OF DEAD FLIES.

PETER:
Look doc, how am I going to get rid of the utensilly sound?

DOCTOR:
It's all in your ears. It's not in your hand at all.

PETER:
But you can hear it too.

DOCTOR:
That is true actually.

THE DOCTOR PICKS AT BOTH HIS OWN EAR AND PETERS AND PULLS OUT A TINY DRUMMER FROM EACH.

END SKETCH.

Liked Darren's (despite the names being strangely Nordic ), but I think I have to vote for Otterfox this time.

Great week. Every sketch made me laugh but Nigel Kelly's was my favourite with Otterfox and gappy tied for second!

Hello , I ll vote for Gappy as it seemed the most fully formed , thought at least 2others had some really nice bits in but I couldn't follow the logic all the way through (even as comedy logic). I Googled Swiss boys names... Maybe theres a fashion for Nordic names down there.

I think the most common Swiss boys' names would probably be the same as the most common German, French and Italian names, depending on whihc part of the country you're in. Anyway, it obviously didn't affect the sketch, I'm only messing about.

Gappy for me this week. I love the cheesegrater at the end...once you get the hang of it they're not that hard to use