RED DWARF
"BLOOD BANK"
OPENING CREDITS.
SCENE 1. INT. STARBUG. MEDICAL BAY.
LISTER IS LAYING UPRIGHT ON A BED. KRYTEN IS SORTING THROUGH SOME MEDICAL INSTRUMENTS.
LISTER
I'm not so sure about this Kryten.
KRYTEN
Nonsense, sir. You're in safe hands.
KRYTEN DROPS A TRAY OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES.
LISTER
Why can't you take some from Cat though?
KRYTEN APPROACHES THE BED BRANDISHING A SYRINGE.
LISTER (CONT'D)
...or Rimmer? Just show him a picture of Yvonne McGruder and we all know where his blood is rushing.
KRYTEN
Sir, you know full well that The Cat is of the feline persuasion and his blood would not be compatible and as for Mister Rimmer...
RIMMER ENTERS.
RIMMER
"As for Mister Rimmer," what?
KRYTEN
...he is a holo-gram. (TO RIMMER) Sir, Mister Lister is rather nervous about donating his blood. We need it for his own good. You never know when we might get ambushed by Space Bandits, or our worst fears are realized in the form of some inter-dimensional magical kipper or even worse, if his GELF bride catches up with us.
LISTER
Oh smeg, I forgot about her. (PAUSE) No. It doesn't matter. I don't like needles. I hate needles, guy.
RIMMER
Aah, Lister, as much as I would enjoy watching you writhe in agony as Kryten jabs at you with a very big and painful needle, I... oh no, I'm all freed up. Proceed.
LISTER
Kryten, I'm telling you if you come near me with that thing I'm going to turn you into a latrine.
KRYTEN
Unfortunately sir, that would be my ideal occupation and would really go to show that my degree from Toilet University went to good use. (PAUSE) Come on now, sir. There is nothing to worry about. I only want a pint of your blood.
LISTER
A pint?!
RIMMER
Yes! This gets even better! They'll be nothing left of you by the end of it, Lister. You'll be as empty as an American Weight-Watchers meeting on National Doughnut Day.
KRYTEN
Sir. Don't listen to Mister Rimmer. A pint of blood is a perfectly acceptable amount to hold in storage. It may save your life.
LISTER
(PAUSE) Let's do it!
KRYTEN BEGINS TO TAKE LISTER'S BLOOD.
KRYTEN
Don't worry, sir. Just a little prick.
RIMMER
Yes, that's stabbing into your arm and draining your life away.
KRYTEN
I wasn't talking about the injection, sir.
LISTER
Yes! Nice one Kryters!
LISTER AND KRYTEN GIVE EACH OTHER A HIGH-FIVE. RIMMER EXITS IN ANGER.
SCENE 2. INT. STARBUG. COCKPIT. LATER.
THE CAT IS IN THE PILOT'S SEAT. KRYTEN AND RIMMER ARE SITTING IN THERE POSITIONS BEHIND HIM. LISTER ENTERS WITH A BANDAGE AROUND HIS ARM. HE PULLS HIS SLEEVE DOWN AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR NEXT TO THE CAT.
LISTER
What's the situation guys?
RIMMER
You all right there, Listy? No dizziness? No urges to pass out? Are you seeing any stars yet?
LISTER
Only the usual hundred thousand, Rimmer.
KRYTEN
Sirs, we have Red Dwarf within range. If we can head them off at a pass we should be able to lock-on to it's guidance beam and recover Holly.
LISTER
What's stopping us?
THE CAT
A big red ball of swirlie things.
RIMMER
Good to see that cats have not lost there fixation with balls of coloured string.
LISTER
What is actually stopping us, Kryten?
KRYTEN
er...well...a big red ball of swirlie things, sir. (PAUSE) To be more precise, a Sun. Red Dwarf will manoeuvre around it and then resume course. We have a chance to cut them off by heading through that neighbouring asteroid field.
LISTER
So while they take the scenic route, we risk life and limb? Sounds like a plan. I'm game.
RIMMER
Nope. Not happening. We'll just have to wait for another opportunity to present itself.
KRYTEN
But sir, what if there is no other opportunity. We need to act now or we could lose Red Dwarf forever.
RIMMER
Need I remind you the last time we ventured into such a cluster and I don't mean the spring cleaning of Lister's sock drawer. Although both had disastrous effects. No, I'm talking about the Psirens, gentlemen.
KRYTEN
Sir, the odds of entering two asteroid fields back-to-back and encountering the same brain-sucking lifeforms is statistically improbable.
RIMMER
Right. You've pushed me to do this. I am enacting Space Corps Directive 573289.
KRYTEN
Space Corps Directive 573289? No member of the corps should report to duty in stocking and suspenders unless with an accompanying brassiere?
RIMMER
(SIGHS) The one that says we should not reattempt the same procedure if the first was a brain-sucking bloodbath.
KRYTEN
Oh, I think you meant 573285, sir.
RIMMER
You can never let one pass, can you?
LISTER
Look, I say we put it to the vote. All those in favour?
KRYTEN
I believe it's the best course of action.
RIMMER
Well, I'm against.
LISTER
I'm in. Cat?
THE CAT
Let me get this straight. My choices are; the long boring way around, the big red ball of fiery swirls and the floating rocks, right? Well, if there is one thing I'm not, it's boring and burnt just isn't in season right now so I'm with the scarecrow and the tin man. Sorry, buddy.
RIMMER
Goit.
CUT TO:
MODEL SHOT:
STARBUG ENTERS AND TRAVERSES THE ASTEROID FIELD.
SCENE 3. INT. STARBUG. DECK. LATER.
LISTER, RIMMER AND THE CAT ARE SITTING AT A TABLE PLAYING A BOARD GAME.
LISTER
Oh, for Smeg's sake.
RIMMER
Another win for me. Marvellous.
LISTER
I don't know how you're doing it, Rimmer.
THE CAT
I do. He's done more cheating than a politician could do in his entire lifetime.
RIMMER
Well, I don't deny it. I'm proud of the fact. I can lie, I can cheat and I can steal. Especially in a good old game of 'Dollop'.
LISTER
Don't you have any kind of moral compass?
THE CAT
That's like asking a dog if has any concept of fashion.
RIMMER
No I don't, Listy. That is why I'm winning.
LISTER
That's all you care about, isn't it?
RIMMER
Winning is everything. It means you're number one. You're at the top. Power and respect.
LISTER
We've got the same amount of respect for you as we have for a Nazi traffic warden.
RIMMER
You say that but a win is a win. I have mastered the four mantras of cheating. The Diversion, The Switch, The Bluff and The Killing Move.
THE CAT
What's that?
RIMMER
The Killing Move? That is a high-class secret. You have more chance of finding out the fourth mantra as Lister as finding his way to the little boys room on curry night.
LISTER
Hey! Every night is curry night.
RIMMER
Precisely.
KRYTEN ENTERS FROM THE COCKPIT.
KRYTEN
Sirs, come quickly. We're receiving a transmission.
THE CREW RISE AND HEAD FOR THE COCKPIT.
LISTER
Prepare for the worst, guys.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE 4. INT. STARBUG. COCKPIT. CONTINUED.
THE CREW TAKE UP THERE POSITIONS AND START SCANNING THE MONITORS WHILE THE CAT PILOTS THE SHIP.
LISTER
It's some kind of distress signal.
RIMMER
It's the Psirens. They're back for dessert.
LISTER
We don't know that.
RIMMER
It's a trick. They are trying to lure us in so they can suck out our brains like they were strawberry milkshakes. Trust me on this.
LISTER
I wouldn't trust you if you had just won the award for the world's most trustworthy man from the University Of Trust, where you qualified with honours in the art of being trusted.
RIMMER
So, we're agreed, then?
LISTER
What if someone is in trouble?
KRYTEN
I suggest we send out a scout party. The Cat, with his nasal intellect and Mister Rimmer...
RIMMER
Smeg off, you domesticated crash test dummy! I'm not going down there!
KRYTEN
But sir, being a holo-gram means that your brains will remain firmly in there data format.
RIMMER
That is besides the point. We are only here in order to catch up with Red Dwarf. If we waste time now, we are only going to lose her.
LISTER
I'll go. Come on Cat.
LISTER AND THE CAT RISE AND HEAD TO THE REAR OF THE SHIP.
RIMMER
Why does no one listen to me? All I ask is for a little respect and consideration. I mean, honestly, if I wasn't here where would you all be?
KRYTEN
(PAUSE) Better off, sir?
RIMMER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
Yes, sir?
RIMMER
Shut up.
SCENE 5. INT. DERELICT SHIP. LATER.
A FLAME CUTS THROUGH THE HULL OF THE SHIP CREATING A HOLE. LISTER AND THE CAT, CARRYING GUNS AND WEARING SPACE SUITS ENTER.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE 6. INT. DERELICT SHIP. AIRLOCK. CONTINUED.
LISTER AND THE CAT CLOSE THE AIR LOCK AND TAKE OFF THERE HELMETS. THE AIR LOCK OPENS AND THEY ENTER THE SHIP.
LISTER
All right, stay close.
LISTER TAKES OUT A RADIO. THEY MOVE THROUGH THE SHIP'S CORRIDORS.
LISTER (CONT'D)
Kryten, can you hear me?
KRYTEN (V/O)
Barely si...What c... y... see?
LISTER
It's really dark but the walls are covered in blood stains. It looks like the end result of a night out on Titan.
KRYTEN (V/O)
Be c... (STATIC)
LISTER
Smeg. It's just us now, buddy.
THE CAT
This place is giving me the creeps. Let's get out of here.
LISTER
We might be able to salvage something.
A BEEPING SOUND EMANATES FROM LISTER'S WAIST.
LISTER (CONT'D)
Hey, we're getting a life sign reading here.
SOMETHING DARK QUICKLY MOVES IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEN AGAIN BEHIND THEM. LISTER AND THE CAT ARM THERE BLASTERS. THEY BEGIN TO MOVE FORWARD. THE DARK ENTITY MOVES QUICKLY TOWARDS THEM, PASSES LISTER AND SWEEPS AWAY THE CAT. LISTER LOOKS BACK TRYING TO FIND THE CAT. A FIGURE DROPS FROM THE CEILING AND RISES BEHIND LISTER. HE HAS A VERY WHITE COMPLEXION AND A BIG BLACK COAT HELD OUT TO HIS SIDES. HE BRANDISHES HIS POINTED TEETH.
LISTER (CONT'D)
...er...we called about the boiler?
THE FIGURE CLOSES HIS COAT AROUND LISTER.
FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE 7. INT. STARBUG. DECK. CONTINUED.
KRYTEN IS TRYING TO FIX THE RADIO AT THE COUNTER. RIMMER IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HIS FEET UP. KRYTEN GIVES THE RADIO A WHACK ON THE SIDE OF THE COUNTER AND IT FALLS INTO BITS ON TO THE FLOOR. KRYTEN SIGHS, GRABS A CLOTH AND MOTIONS WITH HIS ARM FOR RIMMER TO MOVE HIS LEGS, WHICH HE DOES, AND THEN HE STARTS TO CLEAN THE TABLE.
RIMMER
It's no use getting all stroppy. I said we shouldn't of gone in there. We should have kept on course.
KRYTEN IS CLEANING HARDER THE MORE RIMMER IS MAKING HIM WORRY.
RIMMER (CONT'D)
Still with them gone I command this ship now and with it; you. So start up the engines, keep it ticking over, we'll be out of here in a bit.
KRYTEN
If Mister Lister and The Cat perish, sir, then you will too.
RIMMER
What?!
KRYTEN
Without Mister Lister and The Cat, we have no one to pilot the ship. The auto-pilot will fly us straight into that Sun at this range. My programming doesn't allow me to navigate with the organic reflexes needed to pass safely through that asteroid belt and, of course, you are simply unable, period.
RIMMER
Because I'm a holo-gram?
KRYTEN
Oh, yes, there is that too.
RIMMER
So, what are you saying?
KRYTEN
Well, we are like the lottery winners who managed to secure tickets for the Titanic, was boosted up to first class passengers, dined with the captain and then took a guided tour of the engine room while noting how safe and secure the ship was.
RIMMER
Hey?
KRYTEN
We'll be doomed, sir, no matter how optimistic we attempt to be.
RIMMER
Right...(PAUSE)...and what's the situation with Listy then? Come on. Let's stop moping around so we can get the boys from the Dwarf back together, yeah?
RIMMER GESTURES A GROUP SIGN WITH HIS ARMS.
CUT TO:
MODEL SHOT:
DERELICT SHIP. TIME PASSES.
SCENE 8. INT. DERELICT SHIP. DRIVE ROOM.
LISTER IS IN A CAGE. CAT IS SEATED AT A TABLE EATING A THREE-COURSE MEAL. A MAN IN A LONG COAT AND HEAVY DUTY BOOTS SITS NEXT TO HIM, RELAXED, WATCHING WITH INTEREST. A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN STANDS NEXT TO THE DOOR.
LISTER
Look, I'm sure we can work something out. I mean, I don't have any space dollars on me but if you let me get back to my ship I will have whip-round for ya, yeah?
THE MAN SLOWLY AVERTS HIS GAZE ON TO LISTER. HE GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE CAGE WITH THE KEYS. LISTER IS EXPECTANT. HE WALKS PAST THE CAGE AND GIVES THE KEYS TO THE WOMAN, DISAPPOINTING LISTER. THE WOMAN THEN HEADS TOWARDS THE CAGE.
LISTER (CONT'D)
Oh, thank god! I thought...
THE WOMAN WALKS PAST THE CAGE AND FLUSHES THE KEYS OUT A SMALL AIRLOCK. SHE RETURNS TO HER POST.
LISTER (CONT'D)
Thanks a bunch.
VLADD
So, there are more of you on your ship?
LISTER
er... no, no, just us.
THE CAT
Yeah, a rust bucket robot and a dead guy with as much personality as a world champion snooker player.
LISTER
Cat!
VLADD
They don't sound like much to worry about. Tell me human; Why are you here?
LISTER
Oh, well we were just browsing, you know?... We're lost actually! I have a map in the dashboard of my ship, if you'll just let me...
THE CAT
We heard a distress call so we came over here to scavenge and pillage whatever we could find. Oh, and rescue people but you understand, we have priorities.
LISTER
Shut up!
VLADD
I see. I don't know what this distress call is you mention but allow me to introduce myself; I am VLADD. Double D.
LISTER
You name is Vlad-de-de?
VLADD
No. It is just VLADD. Double D.
THE CAT
Is he listing his measurements?
VLADD
Silence! This is my sentient second in command, MINA-X.
THE CAT
Nice to meet you.
LISTER
Why is he over there, eating like he just lost a beauty pageant, while I'm stuck over here in this thing?
VLADD
He is one of us and you are not.
LISTER
What? You're a cat?
VLADD
Cat? What is this cat?
MINA-X
A small feline domesticated animal often kept and nurtured by human females who are unable to find suitable mates.
VLADD
(TO LISTER) You are unable to find a mate, human?
LISTER
Get out of town. I'm a player. I'm a big name back on Earth.
THE CAT
He hasn't had sex in three million years!
LISTER
(TO CAT) What is your problem?!
THE CAT
Don't worry I got your back, bud. (TO VLADD) Hey! Crater Head!
CAT STANDS UP AND STRIDES UP TO VLADD UNTIL THEY ARE FACE TO FACE. VLADD BARES HIS MUCH BIGGER FANGS.
THE CAT
er...you got any ketchup?
THE CAT HOLDS UP A PLATE OF FOOD.
SCENE 9. INT. DERELICT SHIP. ELSEWHERE.
RIMMER AND KRYTEN ARE MOVING THROUGH CORRIDORS. KRYTEN IS SCANNING THE ENVIRONMENT WITH A DEVICE.
RIMMER
...and this is absolutely necessary?
KRYTEN
If we want to find them, yes.
RIMMER
I don't like this at all. I am dead set against this. In fact, I suggest a complete and immediate retreat.
THEY STOP.
KRYTEN
Sir, after all these years, after all the derelicts we've scavenged, all the hideous beasts we've encountered, how are you still capable of being a total and utter coward?
RIMMER
Hey?!
KRYTEN
Sir, we have been attacked by shape-shifting mutants, been brought to bitter despair by squids and you even had your entire psyche turned into a planet and yet you are still a feeble minded, yellow bellied, shaking in your boots, smeg for brains. It's astounding.
RIMMER
Did someone screw your head on too tightly?
KRYTEN
No, sir.
RIMMER
Shame, I was thinking it wasn't tight enough. Oh, you're right. It's always been the same. I constantly worry and I panic at the first sign of danger. You're right, I'm just a no good coward with as much guts as a horror film victim.
KRYTEN
Should I have your balls on standby, sir?
RIMMER
What?!
KRYTEN
Your stress balls, sir, remember?
RIMMER
No. You're right, I have been through a lot in my death and I have died to the tell tale on more than one occasion. The more I think of it, after all we've been through, that would make me one hell of an amazing guy. A strong, bold and heroic space adventurer. Kryten, follow me, I'll lead the way.
KRYTEN
Do you think that's wise, sir?
RIMMER
If there anything is around this corner, I don't care if it's the monstrous manifestation of Lister's bed sheets, I will be brave and stand my ground. Come on.
THEY TURN THE CORNER TO THE BLOOD SOAKED HALLWAY. THE HEAVY DUTY BOOTS OF VLADD LOWER INTO VIEW AT THE FAR END OF THE HALLWAY.
KRYTEN
Ah, now my colleague here is an heroic space adventurer so I wouldn't try anything stupid. Isn't that right, sir?
KRYTEN TURNS TO SEE RIMMER RUNNING AWAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
KRYTEN (CONT'D)
Sir?!
RIMMER RUNS THROUGH THE CORRIDORS AND BACK TO THE EXIT TO BE MET BY MINA-X HOLDING A GUN IN THE AIR.
RIMMER
Ah... I was looking for the toilet facilities. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?
MINA-X POINTS THE GUN AT RIMMER AND TAKES THE SAFETY OFF.
RIMMER (CONT'D)
(GULPS) Ah... They appear to have found me.
MINA-X
Move.
MINA-X POINTS THE GUN AT RIMMER'S BACK AS THEY WALK BACK DOWN THE CORRIDOR. RIMMER SHAKES ONE OF HIS LEGS.
SCENE 10. INT. DERELICT SHIP. DRIVE ROOM. A FEW MINUTES LATER.
LISTER AND THE CAT ARE BOTH IN THE CAGE. VLADD ENTERS FOLLOWED BY KRYTEN AND RIMMER AND THEN THE ARMED MINA-X. MINA-X LOWERS HER GUN AND STANDS NEXT TO VLADD ACROSS THE ROOM. KRYTEN AND RIMMER APPROACH THE CAGE.
KRYTEN
Oh, sirs!
LISTER
Oh, thank god! Kryten, you've got to get us out of here.
RIMMER COUGHS FOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.
LISTER (CONT'D)
What did you bring him for?
KRYTEN
I don't know. I was in a panic. It's like rushing out and forgetting your keys only... sort of in reverse.
RIMMER
Charming.
THE CAT
(TO KRYTEN) No, you're wrong. Keys would have been useful right now. He's about as useful as a pair of flip-flops at a funeral.
RIMMER
Not if it was a burial at sea. I have my niches.
LISTER
I don't want to worry you guys but I suspect that guy might be a vampire.
KRYTEN
Oh, really? Okay.
LISTER
Well I was expecting a little bit more fear than that. You look like I told you I moved the laundry basket or something.
KRYTEN
Sir! You didn't!
LISTER
Of course not. I'm not having you go on strike again. Two weeks stationary in a cupboard holding a placard. We only found you because I was drunk and thought it was the latrine.
THE CAT
Why aren't you bothered by old doctor martins over there? I mean if that was my face and I was wearing that coat, I'd be bothered my entire life.
KRYTEN
Well, he feeds off blood. I don't have any blood and nor does Mister Rimmer so we are perfectly safe.
THE CAT
What about me?!
KRYTEN
I wouldn't worry, sir. Cat blood is of a required taste.
THE CAT
Phew. I mean the more pale I get the more I'd clash with my space suit.
LISTER
Oh, thanks. So, I'm breakfast, lunch and dinner, am I? Well my blood is anyway.
RIMMER
Don't worry Listy. He can use the rest of you as bread to mop up the leftovers.
LISTER GIVES RIMMER A LOOK WHICH IS RECIPROCATED IN KIND.
LISTER
(TO KRYTEN) I'm surprised that there is any blood left in me after you got done with me earlier.
KRYTEN
I keep telling you, sir. It was for your own good. What if we were to enter a situation where your blood could get us out of a tight and tricky situation which would otherwise result in pain and misery and maybe even death?
LISTER
(PAUSE) Yeah, I'll think if a situation springs to mind, shall I? Go and get him over here.
KRYTEN WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM TOWARDS VLADD. MINA-X STEPS INTO HIS PATH.
KRYTEN
Ah... A mechanoid. A Z-X81 series. They are practically built with no service protocols allowing the perception of free will. They are also notorious for being the most insulting thing in existence. A pleasure to make your aquaintance.
MINA-X
Ah... A toilet roll dispenser. A mostly forgotten series. They were practically built as an April fools joke to liven morale around the factory.
KRYTEN REMAINS UNFAZED.
KRYTEN
Perhaps I was wrong...
MINA-X
Please, let me finish. They are notorious for being big, ugly and as dumb as two humans trying to transition multidimensional enrichment across the thematic trans-disciplinarity areas of a cluster of cross polarising planets.
KRYTEN WITH A STIFF UPPER LIP TURNS AROUND AND WALKS BACK OVER TO THE CAGE.
KRYTEN
(PAUSE) She was so mean!
KRYTEN BECOMES HYSTERICAL AND CRIES DRAMATICALLY.
LISTER
It's all right Kryten. Calm down.
KRYTEN
You'd tell me if I was ugly wouldn't you?
LISTER
Of course, of course. (TO VLADD) Hey! Count Smeghead!
VLADD APPROACHES THE CAGE.
VLADD
What is it, human?
LISTER
Listen, man to man. Well, man to vamp. You don't want to drink my blood. It's practically turned into curry sauce by now and it's got to be about 90% proof for starters.
KRYTEN
It's true, sir. He consumes so much garbage that the stomach pump as become a sort of sleeping pill alternative.
VLADD
What is it you are saying to me?
LISTER
I'm saying; I'm unhealthy. Too unfit for someone like you to take an interest in. I'm like a washed up piece of old cod lying next to a big juicy blue whale.
VLADD
Where is this 'blue whale' you speak of?
LISTER
er... well we did pass an ocean planet a few months back.
KRYTEN
I fear we are losing him, sir.
RIMMER
Oh my god.
LISTER
Shut up, Rimmer. I'm talking. Look, mate. I feel I can call you mate. Especially considering all the hospitality you've shown us since we've got here.
RIMMER
(DISTRACTED) I don't believe it.
LISTER
No, it's true, I'm telling ya. You've been one of the friendliest psychopaths we've run into in recent memory. Isn't that right, guys?
THE CAT & KRYTEN AGREE IN UNISON. RIMMER WALKS OUT OF SHOT DISTRACTED.
LISTER (CONT'D)
There is no reason we can't be space buddies, is there? What if I went around gathering up humans for ya to drink from? I could be like a mobile vending machine for ya, hey? Sound good?
VLADD
Keep talking.
RIMMER
It's real. An actual limited edition version of Dollop.
LISTER
We could work for ya. We could be a crew that looks out for each other, has each other's backs and doesn't let anyone go hungry again. What I'm saying is; Don't eat us; Join us.
RIMMER
Only ten of these were ever made. Unbelievable. What are the chances. Hang on...
VLADD
You make an interesting proposition, human. Yes, I think I will...
RIMMER
I'll play you for there freedom!
RIMMER STANDS HOLDING ALOFT THE BOARD GAME.
LISTER
Rimmer! What are you doing?! I had him, guy, I had him!
VLADD IGNORES HIS PRISONERS AND WALKS TOWARDS RIMMER.
VLADD
Seriously? I am the greatest player of Dollop in the world!
VLADD POSES HEROICALLY.
RIMMER
er... what world?
VLADD
Ah, good point. I am the greatest player of Dollop in the whole universe.
VLADD STRIKES THE POSE AGAIN.
RIMMER
(PAUSE) So...is that yes?
SCENE 11. INT. DERELICT SHIP. DRIVE ROOM. LATER.
VLADD SITS AT ONE END OF A TABLE ON WHICH THE BOARD GAME IS SET-UP. MINA-X STANDS BEHIND HIM. THE CREW, NOW FREE, STAND AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE.
VLADD
The rules are simple. You will each in turn face me. You each in turn will lose and I will turn you respectfully into my pet...(CAT GULPS)...my servant...(KRYTEN NODS IN AGREEMENT)...my dinner...
LISTER
(SULKING)...I had him...
VLADD
...and...my lover.
RIMMER STAND FIRM UNTIL IT DAWNS ON HIM AND HE GULPS.
VLADD (CONT'D)
If by some miracle you are able to defeat me then you will win the freedom of your crew. If you are ready... we shall begin. The mechanoid first.
KRYTEN SITS DOWN.
KRYTEN
I feel you should know that you are at a disadvantage. I am able to make precise calculations in order to make sure I am victorious.
VLADD
We shall see.
A MONTAGE OF THE GAME TAKES PLACE, EACH IN TURN MOVING PIECES. KRYTEN MOVES A PIECE AFTER SOME TIME AS PASSED.
MINA-X
Estimated chance of victory is now 34%.
KRYTEN
Ah... I forgot to carry the two. Well done.
LISTER
He hasn't won yet Kryters. Finish him.
KRYTEN
It would be a futile attempt, sir. Mina-X is calculating the probability of our success. Once I fell below 50% she knew we had no advantage and that every move would diminish my chances. I made a mistake and I am sorry. I will grab a mop and begin cleaning the engine rooms.
LISTER
It's not over yet. My turn.
KRYTEN RISES AND LISTER SITS DOWN.
VLADD
You do know how to play?
LISTER
Just deal 'em, sunshine. Want me to open a window and let some in? It's a bit stuffy in here.
VLADD
It is sort of a myth. You think I would still be here, this close to a sun if I would turn to dust? Now play.
LISTER MOVES A PIECE.
MINA-X
Estimated chance of victory is now 6%.
LISTER
Hey?!
VLADD
You wish to continue this puerile attempt to best me?
LISTER
Some advice, pal... best to leave me in a cellar for as long as possible. I get better with age.
VLADD LICKS HIS LIPS. LISTER RISES. THE CAT SITS DOWN.
THE CAT
Don't worry, bud. I got this.
THE CAT IS A FINGERTIP AWAY FROM MOVING THE FIRST PIECE.
MINA-X
Estimated chance of victory is now 1%.
VLADD RAISES AN EYEBROW. THE CAT CONSIDERS MOVING THE PIECE AND THEN STANDS UP AND WALKS AWAY.
VLADD
And then there was one.
THE CREW HUDDLE AROUND EACH OTHER.
LISTER
Rimmer, you've got this, pal, you've got this. Just do what you do best; lie, cheat and steal.
RIMMER
No worries, Listy. I have the whole four mantras down but I might need some help.
THE CREW START TO WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES.
VLADD
Mina?
MINA-X
Yes, sir.
VLADD
Set the table for dinner... and prepare the bed... for afters.
MINA-X
I feel we are wasting time, sir. You should...
VLADD STRIKES MINA-X IN THE FACE WHICH MOVES THE POSITION OF HER HEAD BUT SHE REMAINS UNFAZED. HER EAR IS BROKEN AND HANGS FROM THE SIDE OF HER HEAD.
VLADD
If I want your advice I shall ask for it.
RIMMER SITS DOWN. KRYTEN APPROACHES MINA-X WHO PULLS A GUN ON HIM.
KRYTEN
But your ear. Please, allow me.
VLADD
You will have your chance to serve us in mere moments, mechanoid. Let us begin.
A MONTAGE OF THE GAME TAKES PLACE, EACH IN TURN MOVING PIECES.
MINA-X
Estimated chance of victory is now 49%.
RIMMER TURNS AND NODS TO THE CREW.
KRYTEN
The Diversion.
RIMMER
Oh, what is that over there?! Why it's Van Helsing himself and he's brought Frankenstein and the rest of The Goonies along with him!
VLADD DOES NOT LOOK AROUND.
LISTER
You have got to be kidding me.
RIMMER SETTLES DOWN AND CONTINUES.
MINA-X
Estimated chance of victory is now 41%.
RIMMER STICKS TWO FINGERS UP IN SIGNAL. LISTER STICKS TWO FINGERS UP BEHIND RIMMER'S BACK IN INSULT.
KRYTEN
The Switch.
THE CAT
He's not doing anything.
RIMMER CONTINUES TO SIGNAL.
KRYTEN
I'm not sure what is going on.
VLADD
Why are you stalling?
RIMMER
Kryten! Turn the bloody lights off!
KRYTEN
I'm sorry, sir?
RIMMER
That was the signal to turn the lights off, remember? The Switch!
KRYTEN
Oh, I see.
KRYTEN TURNS TO FACE THE WALL.
KRYTEN (CONT'D)
There is no switch, sir.
MINA-X
It is automated.
RIMMER
Terrific.
THE CAT LEANS INTO RIMMER.
THE CAT
If I end up with a leash around my neck and eating food from a bowl then all I can say is... check your shoes before you put them on, buddy.
THE GAME CONTINUES.
LISTER
What's next, Kryten?
KRYTEN
The Bluff, sir.
LISTER
This should be good. Rimmer is about as convincing as a burglar who claims to be a practising feng-shui master.
RIMMER
Did I ever tell you the story of how my parents met?
VLADD
No and I do not care.
RIMMER
Well it's a short story. They were vampires you see and... by chance what planet are you from?
VLADD
I am from the planet Clot-7. Your parents were vampires?
RIMMER
Yes and from Clot-7 in fact, fancy that. Wait. You don't think... that we are brothers?!!!
RIMMER LOOKS AROUND AT THE CREW AND TRIES TO RALLY THEM ON.
LISTER
Yeah, I thought he looked familiar.
KRYTEN
A spitting image of each other.
THE CAT
I should of noticed the matching yellow-streaks.
LISTER GIVES THE CAT A NUDGE.
RIMMER
Well, now that's been established. Why don't we call the whole silly thing off, huh, bro?
VLADD LAUGHS LIKE THE COUNT FROM SESAME STREET AND THEN STOPS SHARPLY.
VLADD
No, you will stopping lying and stalling for time. Now play or walk away.
RIMMER
Right, you've left me no other choice.
RIMMER STANDS.
LISTER
er... What are you doing, Rimmer?
VLAD RAISES LIKE HE IS LEVITATING AND TOWERS ABOVE RIMMER.
RIMMER
Don't worry, Listy, I've got it all under control. It's time for The Killing Move.
RIMMER THROWS THE BOARD INTO THE AIR AND WHILE VLADD WATCHES THE PIECES FLY, RIMMER STRIKES OUT WITH A KARATE CHOP THAT CONNECTS WITH VLADD'S CHEST BUT HAS NO EFFECT.
RIMMER (CONT'D)
Ah... erm... perhaps I'm just a distant cousin?
VLADD'S EYES TURN RED. EVERYONE PREPARES FOR THE WORST. THE SHIP SUDDENLY ROCKS AS IF IT'S BEEN HIT.
VLADD
What is going on?!
MINA-X
We are under attack!
THE CREW RUN THROUGH THE CORRIDORS AND BACK TO THE AIRLOCK.
VLADD
After them!
MINA-X GIVES CHASE.
SCENE 12. INT. DERELICT SHIP. AIRLOCK.
THE CREW MAKE IT INTO THE AIRLOCK. THEY ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE IT WHEN MINA'S GUN PREVENTS THE DOORS FROM CLOSING.
MINA-X
Take me with you!
RIMMER
We'll pass, thank you.
KRYTEN
Why the sudden change of heart?
MINA STEPS BACK INTO THE CORRIDOR.
MINA-X
You don't understand. He killed the crew in order to feed and this may be my only chance to escape. It was I who sent the distress signal. The man is a psychopath. I just wish to be in servitude to normal upstanding people.
THE CAT
Is she talking about us?!
KRYTEN
I know the feeling. Please, join us.
MINA IS ABOUT TO STEP INTO THE AIRLOCK WHEN RIMMER CLOSES THE DOOR ON HER.
RIMMER
Toodles.
LISTER
What are you doing?! She needed our help!
RIMMER
You heard her. She comes from a crew of psychopaths that ate each other. I did the right thing. Kryten said she had no service protocols. She was bluffing. We don't want someone like that on our crew now do we?
THE CAT
Who said we wanted you on the crew? I'd rather have a hot babe with a rocking outfit than a weasel in sock suspenders.
SCENE 13. INT. STARBUG. COCKPIT. A FEW MINUTES LATER.
THE CREW RACE INTO THERE POSITIONS.
LISTER
What attacked there ship?
KRYTEN
Punching it up now, sir.
THE VIDEO FEED SHOWS THREE GELFS TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES. ONE OF THEM IS IN A WEDDING DRESS.
LISTER
Oh no, it's the Mrs.!
RIMMER
Oh deary, the wife as caught you at it. I wonder how junior feels, coming from a broken home?
LISTER
Now is not the time, Rimmer, not the time.
THE CAT
I don't want to worry you guys but I think we should start worrying.
KRYTEN
Worry not, we're listening.
THE CAT
Factor five hundred is back.
VLADD IS IN A MODIFIED ESCAPE POD.
LISTER
Smeg! He's got us in range.
KRYTEN
He must of upgraded his escape pod to be a one man space tank. No evasive action will work. We're done for, sirs. Darn and I still have that laundry to do. If you hadn't of moved that basket, sir!
RIMMER
Can't we just shoot the idiot?
THE CAT
Not a chance. We wouldn't make a dent. Let's face it, we're as dead as flower power beachwear.
RIMMER
What about out-running it?
LISTER
No good. If we move an inch he'll zap us. The only reason he hasn't fired yet is because I'm his only meal ticket.
VLAD (V/O)
Hand over the human or I will you blast you out of the sky.
RIMMER
Time to walk the plank, Listy. We have to face the fact here and we don't stand a chance in this hunk of junk. It's all over unless you make the noble sacrifice for your pet, your robot and your dead best mate.
LISTER
Wait a minute! Junk! That's it! Junk. Garbage! The garbage disposal! Kryten get that vial of blood.
KRYTEN
Sir, I strongly suggest...
LISTER
Well don't, just get it.
KRYTEN
Very well, sir.
KRYTEN LEAVES.
RIMMER
Do you plan on filling us in any time this side of impending doom?
LISTER
We're going to put a little theory to the test.
RIMMER
This is no time for a primary school science lesson!
KRYTEN RETURNS.
KRYTEN
Here we are, sir.
LISTER
Nice one. Now load it into the garbage disposal. It's time to let fire play with fire and kill two birds with one stone.
KRYTEN
I don't like this as much as I don't like mixed metaphors. I really don't see what this is going to prove, sir.
LISTER
Excatly, Kryten. Proof! If my alcohol level is as high as we think it is then that would make my blood highly flammable.
KRYTEN
It's loaded, sir.
LISTER
Take aim... and... fire!
THE BLOOD SHOOTS OUT AND SMASHES OVER THE WINDSCREEN OBSCURING VLADD'S VIEW.
LISTER (CONT'D)
Time to drive a stake through this smegger, once and for all.
STARBUG FIRES AND SETS THE POD ON FIRE. VLADD LOSES CONTROL AND STEERS THE SHIP INTO THE GELF VESSEL, EXPLODING ON IMPACT. THE GELF SHIP THEN CAREENS OFF COURSE AND IS LEFT HURTLING INTO THE SUN. THE CREW ALL CHEER.
LISTER
Now to get back home.
RIMMER
(PAUSE) ...and that's The Killing Move, gentlemen. You're welcome.
END CREDITS.
