So I'm putting together a portfolio for a job, when I came across this weird little number.
An Australian guy who runs a health and safety company for the film industry wanted his training slides rewritten. In the style of Jamie Oliver/Guy Richie here's a couple of samples.
HEALTH AND SAFETY TRAINING SLIDES IN THE STYLE OF GUY RICHIE
13. All Contractors/Employees involved in the works as prescribed on the works application form must hold a current license or permit relevant to the statutory requirements. There is no license for sleeping in the broom cupboard taking bets or being drunks, so don't try it.
All contractors/Employees must comply with the Workplace Health and Safety Act (2011) and all Regulations and Codes of Practice made under that Act as well as any relevant Australian Standards. Australian standards do not include calling everyone mate, wearing budgie smugglers or complaining about the footy.
All contractors/Employees and their staff must attend an induction session relating to the site conditions and the Contractor Rules.
If conducting high risk work, contractors/employees will submit a risk assessment in relation to the work to be carried out by them. All contractors will carry out work and not just skive off.
All tools, equipment and materials are to be supplied by the contractors/employee. Note: All electrical leads must be tagged, some of our more disreputable staff may also be tagged. Data sheets are required for any chemicals or like materials to be used. Staff caught using chemicals themselves will get what's coming to them.
All works are to be done in such a manner that they do not interfere with any other crew, its contractors or the general public. None work such as gabbing on about footy will be avoided. No other works apart from the prescribed scope of works may be carried out.
Vehicles may only be parked within the premise at the discretion of production.
All welding, gas cutting and grinding requires a hot work permit. Hot work is not a dance routine and if you ask a colleague for one, pack your bags your done mate.
The use of fire hose reels, hydrants or other fire fighting equipment other than for the purpose of extinguishing fires is forbidden. Using them for a hot work dance may get you a dry slap alright?
Any damage caused by the contractor to the property must be made good by the contractor/employee.
Production reserves the right to remove any person found in breach of the above rules. And if it's for "hot work" possibly with a boot up the bum.
12. In the unlikely event of an emergency, all Pyramania sites have emergency procedures in place. Contrary to rumours this is not go down the pub from the rest of the day you chancer.
You are required to follow the buildings emergency procedures while working on site and under no circumstances should you continue to work when there is an emergency situation occurring and alarms have been activated. You should have started work sometime before the emergency, don't just loaf around waiting for an emergency. This also applies in the event of a practice evacuation exercise.
If you hear the alert tone (Beep.. Beep.. Beep)
Prepare yourself for possible evacuation, secure your cash and valuables, don't secure anybody else's cash or valuables you toerag.
If time permits secure your work station. If applicable commence turning off equipment.
Follow the instructions of the Fire Officers or Emergency Service Officers.
If you hear the Evacuation Tone (Whoop.. Whoop.. Whoop) do not under any circumstances jump on a desk and shout "that's the sound of the police!"
Gather your staff colleges and evacuate the area.
Go to the nearest assembly area and wait for further instructions.
Follow the instructions of the Fire Wardens or Emergency Service Officers.
Your Assembly areas will be used in the event of an evacuation of the site.
11. All electrical installations, appliances and equipment used on film, video and television productions must comply with and be used in accordance with relevant legislation and AS/NZS 4249 Electrical Safety Practices - Film, Video and Television Sites.
Any electrical hazard/s or potential electrical hazard/s must be advised immediately as they arise to the person with delegated responsibility, who must ensure immediate remedial steps are taken to control the hazard.
RCDs with a rated residual current not exceeding 30 mA must be installed to protect: all socket outlets, all final sub-circuits, all individual circuits. Doesn't apply to racing circuits, but put your bets down after work.
Only qualified licensed electrical contractors are permitted to access any electrical supply within or around the premise. That's not you Johnny big potatoes you wanna be a qualified licensed electrical contractor go back to school.
You must never plug any appliance into a socket on-set without the prior approval of the Gaffer. If you get an urge to plug something thing stick your finger up your hooter.