He did, you know.
...
JAMES: [Approaching] You shouldn't have done that, Patrick.
PATRICK: [Approaching] I know that now, don't I?
LILY: Patrick, whatever have you done?
PATRICK: Well, you know Mrs Bledsop, in bed 12 of the cancer ward?
LILY: Yes.
PATRICK: I got to her on my rounds, and I...
JAMES: He tried to kiss it better.
LILY: You didn't!
JAMES: He did, Lily, he did.
LILY: You shouldn't have done that, Patrick.
PATRICK: Yes, James has mentioned that once or twice, thank you. But she was looking really sick, and it was just the first thing that came to mind; when laughter didn't work, anyway. I just thought, these drugs we've given her are still experimental, with likely side effects, the chances of recovery are slim, and I know a cure that has empirically proven effects.
LILY: Kissing?
PATRICK: Yes. I've got a wealth of personal evidence that it works, from throughout my childhood. My gran always used to say "A kiss is a cure, laddy" - you know I grew up with my gran, don't you?
JAMES: How could we not?
LILY: Oh, Patrick, you have to stop applying things your gran used to say to the medical profession. This is like the time that poor lady had a utero-vaginal prolapse, and you just said, "Better out than in".
PATRICK: I made a mistake is all. Kissing it did no harm
JAMES: It did though, didn't it? Because the thing about the pancreas, is it's quite hard to kiss. So what did you do?
PATRICK: I...I made an abdominal incision. To get at it. For my...treatment.
LILY: You wasted theatre time on that?
PATRICK: Well, not exactly theatre time, no. It was a spur of the moment thing.
LILY: You accessed her cancerous pancreas on the ward? Where on earth did you get the anaesthetic?
JAMES: He didn't use any. Or a scalpel.
PATRICK: Yeah, alright, you don't have to go on about it. I used a piece of sharp metal, same thing really. It was the lid of my John West Moroccan Style Salmon Light Lunch.
LILY: Oh, I love the John West Salmon Light Lunch range, so nutritious.
PATRICK: Yes, I have one every day, really good value for money.
JAMES: Yes, yes, we all love the John West Salmon Light Lunch range, surprising depth of flavour for a pre-packaged product, but that's by the by.
PATRICK: So, I was gripped with this urge to kiss the tumour, so I just ripped the lid off, tossed the salmon medley away, and operated - I am a trained doctor, so it's probably OK.
LILY: It's not, Patrick. You sliced up her gut with some fishy aluminium.
JAMES: And tongued at her infected pancreas.
PATRICK: Well, when you say it like that, of course it sounds bad!
LILY: And how is she now?
PATRICK: Oh, she's dead.
JAMES: Yes. So, I was saying, I think that Patrick should be struck off. What do you think, Lily?
LILY: I don't know. It definitely isn't an effective method of dealing with a malignancy, and I don't think we'll adopt it as oncological best practice, but we have at least learnt that this approach doesn't pay dividends. Plus, I think that Patrick was driven to it out of compassion and desperation in a tight medical corner. He's a good man; he's a kind man; and I think we should celebrate his compassion and desire to explore new curative pathways.
PATRICK: Oh, thank you, Lily.
LILY: No problem, you're a good doctor, Patrick.
PATRICK: Thanks. [Beat] So, could I share your John West at lunch time, because I've not got any now?
LILY: Can you f**k!
