Hello all,
Below is the link to a short film I made in the style of a mockumentary. It's about racism and is therefore a touchy subject. Please watch it all the way through, any constructive feedback is much welcomed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r7kmoAqHmI&index=1&list=UUDORBATLRmVbtIfYmqqCTIA
Sorry only got ninety seconds in. My constructive advice would be to get someone who doesn't sound like a child to do the commentary - to go at least some way in making a piece resembling a documentary. Sorry not to be more enthused.
I agree - the intor is kind of pointless, and has no jokes. I think "Why are you following me, I've done nothing wron" woudl be a funnier first line, throws us into the situation nicely.
The idea is sound, but I found the main character too pantomime (that voice and the wobbbly walk), and it got a bit tiring, so I didn't manage more than a few minutes, I'm afraid. I also think that if the racial theme is the central one, you could get it in more quickly.
You have portrayed the character as dumb when there is no need to because the preconceptions are the dumbest part not who it comes from because it comes from every walks of life not just Sun readers.
Try him out as a professional someone sitting behind a desk then as a professor, a guy working on a building site, a guy in a pub etc.
The message is good and can be funny but the delivery of the message needs more thinking.
I think you have the makings of something here but at the moment it looks like a first draft. The idea is sound but the character seemed a bit too silly to be believable.
I think if you tone down his wackiness a little, the moments of silliness when they arrive would be stronger by contrast.
Wiith a bit of honing this could be nice.