Skit Comp 12 - 20.8.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to STYLEE for whining. I mean winning of course. It was a joke. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Stylee
2 - 5 - Nick81

Your new subject: THE BANANA (chosen by Tiggy). In Italy there's a hilarious song, 'The only fruit of love is the banana.' I think it's because the banana looks like a cock.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except gherkins.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 20.8.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Stylee
2 - 10 - Tiggy
3 - 5 - Nick81
4 - 1 - Gappy, Craig H, me

With that topic...£100 Michael win's this week.

I'm not complaining, cos I'm frist, but weren't the scores supposed to be reset before last week's results?

You're right! Gosh, what'm I like? Duly updated.

Haven't entered the skit comp for a while, and I am going for an obvious one:

External busy shopping centre - Tracey is sitting on a bench waiting to meet up with Marcus. They found each other on plentyoffish.com and this is the first meet.

Marcus approaches Tracey she notices a bulge in his trousers.

Marcus: Hello are you Tracey?

Tracey: Yes. Are you Marcus?

Marcus: Yes, you look a little different from your profile picture.

Tracey: Hope you're not disappointed.

Marcus: No not at all you look great.

Tracey looks down at the bulge Marcus notices her looking.

Tracey: Is that a banana in your pocket? Or are you just pleased to see me.

Marcus: No it's not a banana it's my cock and I am very pleased to see you.

Tracey: Good, because I'm dying for a shag. Your place or mine?

Marcus: Let's go to mine

Tracey: Mmmm c'mon then

They both walk off into the sunset.

Marcus discretely reaches down his trousers and throws a banana into a bin.

End

IN THE BOARDROOM OF THE BRITISH BANANA COUNCIL. THE BOARD ARE SITTING ROUND A TABLE IN THE USUAL FASHION. THEY ARE WEARING ALL YELLOW OUTFITS. THEY ALL SHOUT INSTEAD OF TALK.

MR BOSS: (Shouting remember) Firstly I'd like to welcome Tony, the new member of the British Banana Council board!

TONY RAISES HAND IN AKNOWLEDGEMENT. WE SEE HE'S MOSTLY WEARING GREEN WITH A FEW BITS OF YELLOW.

MR BOSS: This meeting is to come up with new ways to promote bananas!

PERSON 1: How about telling everybody that apricots are shit!

LOUD ANTI APRICOT JEERS. WE HEAR SOMEBODY SHOUT "DEATH TO APRICOTS!"

MR BOSS: Good sentiment but we're looking for a more positive spin! Particularly after our last campaigns "Apples are crap", "Lemons make you fart!", and "A peach shagged your Mother!"

PERSON 3: How about "Eat bananas or we'll follow you home and smash your face in!"?

MR BOSS: Could still be misconstrued as slightly negative!

PERSON 2: Why don't we concentrate on their highly erotic connotations?!

EVERYBODY LOOKS PUZZLED.

PERSON 2: I mean the link between bananas and sex?!

MORE PUZZLED LOOKS.

PERSON 2: Because bananas look like cocks!

LOTS OF "OH RIGHT!" MURMURS.

PERSON 1: Mine certainly does!

TONY: (Hesitantly) And mine!

OLD TOM TALKS. HE'S OLD SO WEARS BLACK CLOTHES WITH SOME YELLOW.

OLD TOM: Bananas don't make me think of sex! My cock doesn't look anything remotely like a banana! Although it does look like an apricot...

MR BOSS: But are they sexy enough?!

OLD TOM: ...round and fuzzy...

MR BOSS: I said are they sexy enough?! What do you think Miss Simms?!

MISS SIMMS TAKES A BANANA FROM THE BOWL ON THE TABLE. SHE SLOWLY PEELS IT THEN EATS IT IN A HIGHLY EROTIC FASHION. THE REST OF THE BOARD, ALL MALE, SHIFT AROUND IN THEIR CHAIRS UNCOMFORTABLY.

MR BOSSAs if he has urgent business to carry out elsewhere) Meeting adjourned for 10 minutes!

PERSON 1: I'll only need 5!

ALL THE MEN RUSH OUT THE ROOM WALKING WITH DIFFICULTY.

MISS SIMMS: Why do all our meetings have to involve a sudden break halfway through?

MISS SIMMS LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM TO CHECK THE COAST IS CLEAR. SHE PULLS ANOTHER BANANA FROM HER BAG. SHE RELAXES IN HER CHAIR AND GIVES THE STALK END OF THE BANANA A TWIST. IT STARTS BUZZING AND A SMILE APPEARS ON HER FACE.

END.

DICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

TV STUDIO. LAD and LASS.

LAD Good morning listeners and welcome to 'That Was the Wank That Was'. I am Git Gay and my guessed tonight is Gaye Git. Hello, Gaye.

LASS Good afternoon, Git.

LAD Now this wank, the USA, Europe and all of Stoke has been shocked by the loss of one of America's finest comedians, performers and celebs.

LASS (sobs) Alas, yes.

LAD So Gaye, how would you like to remember Andrew Dice Clay?

LASS Yerse. I opine Clay's finest moment was shooting up shyly in America's intimate Madison Gardens and ejaculating, (gets up) 'Mary hadda liddle lamb she kept in her back yard. When she tooker pandies off, his woolly dick got hard. OH!'

LAD (sobs) Such a fine, decent, lovable being...

LASS Thank you.

LAD Viewers, Andrew was subverting a nursery rhyme; but Gaye, as the whore said to the midget, you'd like to delve deeper wun'cha?

LASS Oh for surely, yerse... For the 'Mary' in the initial line - an ascending spondaic hendecasyllable - has been variously interpreted as the Madonna or Mary Magdalene: an enticing reading indeed, for 'twould foreshadow - mea culpa, adumbrate - the 'lamb' of God at the close of said stanza, creating a most satisfying Homeric ring-structure.

LAD (giggles) Ring.

LASS Or it may be a Catullan neologism...

LAD (giggles) Jism.

LASS Paradoxically pre-echoing - mea culpa, exumbrating - 'marry' as a bleak yet strangely blithe juxtaposition to Clay's post-Platonic stance massly debating...

LAD (giggles) Post-Platonic.

LASS The impossibility of altruism in a pre-modernistic environment. Or a reference to Mary Bigg Juggs, a ho he was boning at the time.

LAD Fascinating...

LASS Whereas in the successive stanza - a descending dactylic hectasyllable, of course - the 'woolly dick' is most inequivocably a reference to the fur-encrusted cock of the beast, while 'hardening' is the traditional response of a love banana within the proximity of a c**t.

LAD How absorbing... Yet there was so much less to Clayboy, such as his views on homosexuals.

LASS Who? Ah yerse, gays, or flaming f**king faggots as he nominated the freaks, were oft the butt of his jokes, ha ha! Let me assure you that Andy never criticised poofs, physically attacked cock-suckers nor ripped a shirt-lifter's head off, ground it into mincemeat with his left jaw, then spat it out singing and sent it in a polythene bag to its hapless owner with a blood-written note declaring, 'You son of an Airy-Dairy Fairy flight-attendant anal-assassin back-door-bandit bone-smuggling brownie-king bufty bun-bandit bum-drilling cack-pipe-cosmonaut dinge-queen'.

LAD Thank you, I hope that's cleared up the rumours. But is there one final image of Diceboy you cherish?

LASS His thrilling performance at tiny Madison again (gets up): 'Mawry Mawry quite contrary. Trim dat pussy, it's so damn haiwry. OH!' (sits down) For the 'Mary' in the initial line has been variously interpreted as the Madonna or Mary Magdalene, or perchance a paradoxical reference to 'marry', pre...

LAD Oh f**k off.

WHAT A LOVELY BUNCH [ SUBTITLED ]

BABY MONKEY IS FEROCIOUSLY EATING A BUNCH OF BANANAS.

DAD MONKEY
If you keep eating those bananas like that you'll end up with a bent willy.

BABY MONKEY
Seriously dad. Im not 2 weeks old anymore. That's an old baboons tale that one.

DAD MONKEY
I'm telling you son. Don't say I never warned you.

BABY MONKEY
How do you know? Have you seen it happen to somonkey?

DAD MONKEY
Ahh, I've seen it happen to a whole bunch.

BABY MONKEY
Seriously? yuck!

BABY THROWS HIS BANANAS AWAY. LOADS OF OTHER BABY MONKEYS FIGHT OVER THEM

BABY MONKEY (LAUGHING, TO DAD)
They're gonna all end up with bent willies!

DAD MONKEY
Yes, indeed. Now let's go get your mother.

THEY SKIP OFF.

BABY MONKEY
Dad.

DAD MONKEY
Yes, son?

BABY MONKEY
Did you eat too many raspberries when you were my age?

DAD MONKEY
Why on earth do you ask that?

BABY MONKEY
No reason.

1: Ah, hello, Mr Jones.

2: Hi. So, did you manage to fix the car?

1: Yes. Yes and no.

2: What does that, erm...?

1: I mean we found a couple of minor mechanical issues that we were able to fix easily enough but -

2: But the parts are pricy for these vintage VWs; yeah I know, I know.

1: No, it wasn't that, really. Like I say, we fixed a few bits but, err, your car has developed a sort of elementary consciousness.

2: Oh. Right. That's quite cool.

1: Again, yes, and no. I agree that rational thought in a motor vehicle is noteworthy, but I'm afraid that the car has also, ah, gone bananas.

2: Cool.

1: No, not cool.

2; Sounds quite cool.

1: What part of "your car has developed the power of thought and subsequently gone bananas" don't you understand?

2: I'm having trouble with most of it, to be honest.

1: Well, it's happened: the car can now think for itself, but has gone funny.

2: Sounds cute.

1: It killed a pigeon.

2: Well, pigeons, you know -

1: And a postman.

2: Oh, that's a bit more...

1: Yes. I mean, seriously, every time we get it in position at the top of our sloping forecourt to do some work, it moves forward, of its own volition, down to the bottom of the slope. We push it up again, it uses its autonomous brain functions to go down the incline. I don't know how to explain it.

2: The handbrake?

1: Pardon me, Mr Jones?

2: It sounds as though the car is rolling down the slope because the handbrake doesn't work. That's why I brought it in.

1: Oh. Oh, right, yes. I guess that might also be an explanation - although I'm not ruling out the car evolving instantaneously into a reasoning entity.

2: Sounds like a pretty dumb hypothesis to me.

1: Yes, well, I am only the coffee machine.

2: Fair enough. Are there any actual human mechanics about I could speak to?

1: No. I killed them. I killed them good.

[SFX - engine revving]

1: That's right, Herbie, run him down! Crush the fool to jelly!

THE BANANA

NARATOR- Possibly The Voice of the "wise-guy smart-Alec " who narrated the Harold LLoyd
compilations on bbc2 at tea time when I was a kid. Or maybe Stan Laurel...

NARATOR - What's that Buster?....You've discovered a new "bit'!....?

Tell me about it.... Well, I say 'tell me....'
I mean.....
Mime it out with your eloquent, impassive, mask-like face and innate,
balletic physicality, as we walk down the newly laid sidewalk of this
minor Los Angeles suburb, still lined with orange groves, called
"Hollywoodland", on a sunny afternoon in 1914.

By the way, you do know, you CAN talk Buster?
You don't have to mime everything out while a piano player,
constantly playing an upright piano, is wheeled round behind you.
As a guy writes anything that happens, or might happen,
in flowery words, out on a big board to hold up infront of you....?

But as we go, watch out for that open man-hole and those 2 workmen
carrying that long plank, about to cross our path....

-So, your're in a 'fancy shmancy' hotel with a 'swell gal' ....
And you're peeling her a banana....
She eats the whole banana in one go...She's hungry, but kinda 'genteel' about it,
-And full of unspoken sexual promise....

Say, over there, isn't that Charlie?
At that restaurant with that....um ... '16 year old ' 'Starlet'...
(I thought she was 'Fatty's Dame'.)
What's he doing with those bread rolls stuck on his cutlery?
He's always playing with his food.

So, - where do you put the banana skin?...
In your pocket? No. - In her pocket? No .
Slip it down that old Dames dress, sat on the couch? Decorate her silly hat
with it ? No -Zip the empty skin back up and throw it away...
'What harm can it do? ' .....

All this talk of food's making me hungry,
fancy one of these unusually foamy pies Buster?
That only seem to be sold near early film lots....
No, there seems to be some sort of unnecessary fight developing,
good food wasted....

Oh, so you're only a porter at this hotel and the pretty girl's
a guest! Neat turn round!
-You're carrying her suitcases for her. Piled up, so you can't see where
you're going....
-If you damage her stuff... It's back on the streets for you...

Speaking of the street, step back from the kerb!
A trolley bus has jumped the tracks and is hurtling down the
highway! Is that Mabel tied to the roof! .."hi Mabel "....?
And those Cops from Keystone aren't gonna help!
If they werent trained from years on Vaudeville
someone could get hurt...

Anywho's.... Your dropping bits, trying to pick them back up,
other guests are piling their coats, bottles of booze,
trays of food, a live duck, on top.
A little dog is pulling at your turn-ups...
The angry Hotel Manager, who hates your guts, is watching...

- But look out Buster, there's the banana skin on the hotel floor!....

Phew, you stepped over it once!...

-You've gone right round the hotel revolving door,
-coming back towards the peel again !
Ooh, a series of beautifully cheoreographed pirohettes
later and still no trip... And then what happens?....

A second banana skin, no-one noticed? No.
Not the 'front of the building falls on you - but luckily
the open window saves you ' trick ? because you've done that
before..... No, not that! Tell me then......

Oh Buster! .... That's so subtle, uplifting, heart-wrenching,
poignant and Goddamn funny! But in spite of that, the French will still
love it! - I only hope, like so much early screen comedy, the delicate
nature of the film stock it's printed on, doesn't mean it melts in its can...
making it lost for future generations.....

Well, so long old pal...

Hey, watch out for that banana skin!
No, I'm not joshing, that real one! Early 20th Century streets are
genuinely covered in the remains of the cheap, healthy eating option
for the poor working classes...

And once the set -up of a banana skin has been laid, someone
must slip on it!

Oops, that looked genuinely painful, and actually not funny at all.....!

BOND IS IN A PRECARIOUS SPOT, TRAPPED BY VILLAINS ON ALL SIDES SO CALLS Q VIA HIS GOOGLE GLASSES

Q - "Yes 007, what is it this time?"

Bond - "No time for pleasantries Q, I'm in a spot of bother. Just tell me what the Banana does."

Q - "Really 007, must I tell you everything?"

Bond - "I know, I know, I should listen more, and I promise this is the last time."

Q - (sighs) "Fine. First, you peel back the banana, either end it doesn't matter."

Bond - "....go on."

Q - "Then eat it."

Bond - "And then I can fly, shoot fireballs, what?"

Q - (annoyed) See, I KNEW this was a wind up call. If you've nothing better to do 007 than prank call me, you really should get a life.

*Hangs up*

Bond - (to villains) Banana anyone?

INT - DAY. CONFERENCE ROOM.

A POLICE CHIEF ADDRESSES HIS TEAM.

CHIEF:
Okay team listen up. At exactly 2pm this afternoon the Mirrors of Karthum will go on display at Huntington Museum. In case you didn't know they are most intricately designed and expensive treasures ever to go on display in our town since...ahem..the incidents. So our plan of act-

SMITH:
Ah, the incidents sir?

CHIEF:
Well strike me with a whistle and call me Nancy! Smith! What the hell-

SMITH:
I actually go by Jason Smith sir. Nancy is my middle name.

CHIEF:
I don't give a wolves shit what your name is. I just find it incredulous that you, a working member of the police force is unaware of the most daring series of robberies this town has ever known.

May 1986, a man dressed completely in green somehow bypasses all the security systems and takes the Golden Ladder of Montoon from its display stand and climbed right out of the building taking the ladder with him. No trace of him has ever been found.

October 1987, a man dressed in yellow manages to sneak on board the delivery truck carrying the priceless Pens of Newgrange. When the drivers opened the door both he and the pens were gone. It is claimed that he somehow used the pens to write his way out.

And in July 1989, a security camera picks up a man in yellow with black spots dancing his way through the security beams and grabs the only known self-portrait of Salvador Dali by Rene Magritte. When the guards burst in, the room was empty.

He has become known simply as 'The Banana' and we-

SMITH:
Pardon me for being the idiot of the piece sir but why 'The Banana'?

CHIEF:
Right!! For those of you not seeing the correlation here it is. A banana-

JOHNSON:
A what sir?

CHIEF:
A bloody banana!! The fruit known as a banana. Everyone with me so far or has it got too confusing?

He wore green, then he wore yellow and finally yellow with black spots just like the changing colours of a banana.

Very little is known about 'The Banana' and we are relying solely on rumour. Some say he was one of quintuplets and that his mother would tie their hair together and carry them around in a bunch.

Others say that he feeds on a diet of only bananas and this overdose of potassium has developed the part of the brain responsible for masterminding daring heists.

All we know for sure is that this is the first exhibition in the town for twenty five years. It is safe to assume that if he is to attempt a raid he will undoubtedly be wearing all black at this stage and may be a bit spongy. Now I'll be damned if he is going to pull off one of his tricks on my watch.

Alright team it is now quarter to two, take up your positions-

SMITH:
You're right, it is quarter to two. Good to see he hasn't tricked your watch as of yet anyway sir, at least that's something.

CHIEF (EXASPERATION):
Whip me with an eel and call me Betsy! Be vigilant and for the love of God Smith stop being such an idiot!

SMITH (to colleague):
I suppose God Smith is better than Nancy Smith.

VARIOUS SHOTS SHOW POLICE OFFICERS MONITORING PEOPLE ENTERING AND EXITING THE MUSEUM AND OTHER OFFICERS ARE SEEN STARING AT MONITORS WHICH SHOWS A STEADY FLOW OF PEOPLE OBSERVING THE ANCIENT TREASURES.

CHIEF:
Very well done team. The museum is closing and the treasures are safe. We are invited to now have a look for ourselves.

THEY ENTER THE ROOM AND TO THEIR UTTER SHOCK THE ROOM IS EMPTY OF THE TREASURES WITH JUST A BLACK JUMPSUIT LYING ON THE GROUND.

CHIEF (shocked and angry):
Right! We're now looking for a man possibly naked, possibly a banana. Go! Go! Go!

SMITH RUNS OUT THE FRONT OF THE MUSEUM AND SEES A BOY INNOCENTLY EATING A BANANA. SMITH GRABS THE BANANA OUT OF HIS HAND.

SMITH (TO THE BANANA):
Gotcha!

IN SHEER ANNOYANCE THE CHIEF PUNCHES SMITH IN THE FACE.

END.

Two carnivores in a park attempt to solve the mystery of the 'yellow item'

Carnivore A: I think it's a banana
Carnivore B: You says it's a banana, it could be a f**king carrot for all you know about vegetables
Carnivore A: f**k off Larry
Carnivore B: let's go eat Dave

I'd like to vote for Gappy. Not very bananaful but funny.

Wow, what a brilliant week! Who'd have thought that bananas would be the theme to get everyone's juices flowing? Anyway, there's something I coudl say about all of these, and there's loads to like, but you'd get bored, so let's cut to ..

Runners UP: Tiggy (1st half reminded me of Python's tax on thingy sketch, which is a good thing) & Darren (very different from other offerings, and with a nice hint of melancholy).

Winner: Craig - dumb joke maybe, and a twist on the classic Two Dogs F**king gag, but I have to admit that big red arse picture just made me guffaw, and that's kind of the idea, isn't it?