Couple of minutes of stand up here, need a second pair of eyes to look over it so any criticism would be much appreciated. Is this good enough for a first gig?
I'd like to talk about my Grandmother a little bit. Now, my gran is the sort of..you know the sort of gran who is a racist, homophobic bitch. When you go for a coffee at her house you have to move Mein Kamf off the table before sitting down. It's her favourite book. And she tries to get me onboard with her awful views. - She said last week: "That man has some really exciting ideas,but I'm too old to enact them myself, would you help me try them out?" And I got really excited, I thought 'this is gonna be amazing!' Now - I know what you're thinking: I'm a racist too. No. Not at all. See, I thought she was pointing at her copy of 50 Shades of Grey.
When she hears about honour killings and suicide bombings on the news she tells me these foreigners are 'backwards'. This is from a woman who still listens to, what she calls, 'the wireless' and thought that Microsoft Excel was a computer for fat people.
And to be fair, in a way, she doesn't discriminate - she hates everything foreign equally. For example, she had the same level of absolute disgust on her face when she saw the second tower go down on 9/11 as she did when I opened the microwave door last week and pulled my Tesco's own Tikka Masala out. That got her angry.
Not as angry as the time she found out Tom Daley was gay, though. "how could he be gay?!" she asked me. Now I don't really understand the confusion around Tom Daley's coming out. I said to her: "Nan. He's a diver. He's constantly surrounded by dripping wet, scantily clad men, and to win he has to move his body in the most pleasing way before taking a splattering of hot liquid face first. And he's the best in the entire country at it. The only way he could make himself gayer is if he invented an Olympic sport that challenged competitors as to who could arse-f**k Alan Carr on the back of a sparkling unicorn hardest."
To be fair, that must have been hard for Tom Daley to tell his parents, to reveal that to someone so close to you.... Because I think I'd have beaten the shit out of my child if they told me...they'd be doing a second series of Splash.
So yeah, she gets very angry amongst her bigoted thoughts, she was absolutely livid last week and she rang me: "I've had some 'queer' repair man come round this week because my video player broke. I think he's made it worse!" So I said "Gran, how many times do I have to tell you? You can't use words like that anymore; society's moved on. They're called DVD players."
