Are these one liners any good?

I bought a wallet and now I have no money.
Water is amazing and it can do anything. The only bad thing about it is that you can't breathe under it. But other than that, I find it breath taking.
Certain people say I make too many stereotypes...typical black people.
I used to be obsessed with spongebob and so everyone in my highschool called me "mr. krabs"...you know...because of my crabs.
I talk to myself too much..I told myself that the other day.
The guy who sold me this jacket said there's a hidden pocket. I think he's right becauae I can't find it.

It's a no from me as you seem to require a one word answer. Sorry.

Quote: Sam Ronan @ 30th July 2014, 6:37 PM BST

I 1.bought a wallet and now I have no money.
2.Water is amazing and it can do anything. The only bad thing about it is that you can't breathe under it. But other than that, I find it breath taking.
3.Certain people say I make too many stereotypes...typical black people.
4.I used to be obsessed with spongebob and so everyone in my highschool called me "mr. krabs"...you know...because of my crabs.
5.I talk to myself too much..I told myself that the other day.
6.The guy who sold me this jacket said there's a hidden pocket. I think he's right becauae I can't find it.

View original

1. Sounds like there's a joke nearby but I can't think of it. As it is, no.

2. No.

3. F**k no!

4. Rework it? 'I used to be so obsessed with spongebob that everyone in my highschool called me "mr. krabs"... Or possibly it was because of the pubic lice.'

5. Tricky. Need to rephrase it so you don't use the word "myself" twice. 'I have to keep telling myself to stop talking to myself all the time.' The 2 halves of the joke are too similar.

6. It's a new version of an old joke. 'I bought some vanishing cream. It disappeared.' 'I bought an invisible car. I don't know where I parked it' (Steven Wright?). It's a no from me.

I liked the last two,
But Tiggy is right, you can't say myself twice.
maybe it needs to be more of a story joke then a one liner?

One liner? Bin liner more like.
Sorry Sam just tugging your lariat.

How about No. 1.

I bought this really expensive crocodile skin wallet. The only trouble is I've got no money left to put in it.

(Or is that explaining it too much?)

It's snappier.

Quote: Sam Ronan @ 30th July 2014, 6:37 PM BST

I bought a wallet and now I have no money.
Water is amazing and it can do anything. The only bad thing about it is that you can't breathe under it. But other than that, I find it breath taking.
Certain people say I make too many stereotypes...typical black people.
I used to be obsessed with spongebob and so everyone in my highschool called me "mr. krabs"...you know...because of my crabs.
I talk to myself too much..I told myself that the other day.
The guy who sold me this jacket said there's a hidden pocket. I think he's right becauae I can't find it.

View original

1. I recently spent £1000 on a new wallet, now I've got nothing to put in it (might be okay as a quick throwaway on the way to another joke)

2. Doesn't really work as water is not "breath taking", maybe you could make a joke about asthma? Something like, "You know what I find breath taking? Asthma."

3. This could work but don't use black people as the stereotype, that's just asking for trouble, in this country I would suggest "Typical Guardian reading tree huggers" or similar.

4. At school I was known as "Mr Krabs", not because I loved SpongeBob but because I had pubic lice.

5. People who have an internal monologue are weird, as I was saying to myself the other day. (Still doesn't really work)

6. A couple of years ago I bought a camouflage jacket with a hidden pocket, I still haven't found it.

On a general note though, writing good one-liners is difficult, even the best one-liner comics generally discard 9 of every 10 jokes they write, so write lots and lots of jokes.

To get a 5 minute set of one-liners (about 20 jokes) you'll probably need to write at least 200 jokes.

Tim Vine, a famous UK one-liner comic, says that when he's writing jokes he doesn't worry about the quality, that sorts it's self out when you try the jokes out in front of an audience, he just worries about the quantity.

No.1 would make a nice visual, Mr.Bean-esque, gag.
Bloke keeps dropping his money - goes in to buy wallet - which means he has no money to put in it.

The way that other people have turned your jokes into funny lines shows that you were certainly on the right track before.

Great advice from Tony Cowards. Kudos Tony.

Number 5 would work really well if it were a pre-recorded sound bite, would take some technical work, but a "thought track" might be interesting to play off during a stand-up routine. Probably been done before, but I can't recall it.

I bought an expensive wallet; payment took all of my money.

or you could just have the ambiguous one:

I bought an expensive wallet; it took all of my money.

Maybe reverse it. Spent all my money. On a beautiful new wallet.

I bought a wallet in a pound shop. It wasn't very big.

The whole wallet/no money gag seems too obvious to me. You want a twist that takes you by surprise rather than something that's so matter of fact.