My new script - The Charity Shop Page 4

Do you think it could work if Ellie or Rita had the 'Stan' type of voice? So a dry, sarcastic, voiceover but from a lead character who was a girl.

I'm struggling to think off the top of my head a women who voices inner thoughts in that Peep Show type of way and wonder if that could be quite interesting. E.G.

RITA
So your first day! Are you nervous?

CUSTOMER enters the changing room

ELLIE (V/O sarcastically)
Volunteering in a charity shop, yeh I'm shitting myself.

ELLIE
No not really. Everyone's been so
lovely.

It's expositional dialogue without a gag in it. Try reworking it and bring the character out with an opportunity for the audience to laugh, Steve. Like I said, maybe twice, every line has to earn its place.

Quote: Steve Whyley @ 11th July 2014, 10:22 AM BST

Do you think it could work if Ellie or Rita had the 'Stan' type of voice? So a dry, sarcastic, voiceover but from a lead character who was a girl.

I'm struggling to think off the top of my head a women who voices inner thoughts in that Peep Show type of way and wonder if that could be quite interesting. E.G.

RITA
So your first day! Are you nervous?

CUSTOMER enters the changing room

ELLIE (V/O sarcastically)
Volunteering in a charity shop, yeh I'm shitting myself.

ELLIE
No not really. Everyone's been so
lovely.

View original

I like that.

Quote: Steve Whyley @ 11th July 2014, 10:22 AM BST

Do you think it could work if Ellie or Rita had the 'Stan' type of voice? So a dry, sarcastic, voiceover but from a lead character who was a girl.

I'm struggling to think off the top of my head a women who voices inner thoughts in that Peep Show type of way and wonder if that could be quite interesting. E.G.

RITA
So your first day! Are you nervous?

CUSTOMER enters the changing room

ELLIE (V/O sarcastically)
Volunteering in a charity shop, yeh I'm shitting myself.

ELLIE
No not really. Everyone's been so
lovely.

View original

Agreed, a dry sarcastic voiceover from a woman would be a strong, relatively original concept. Bonus points for making her sickly sweet on the outside.

I only make these comments because I care by the way Steve. To clarify further what I mean with your newest opening... You basically have the main character in the main situation saying effectively she doesn't care about working for a charity shop. And in quite a direct way. If this was a scene outside of the main premise, this attitude would work if she was forced to do it for some reason or for some goal of her own. It is attitude that drives characters that drive narrative. If the attitude of your central character is that she doesn't care that she works in a charity shop the the audience won't either. It's her passions that make her and other sitcom characters interesting and compelling. Nail these and you will nail everything and the v/o is a stylistic device remember that again is a carapace that works only as well as the foundation beneath it.

To well and truly mix my metaphors.