My new script - The Charity Shop Page 2

ELLIE. It's so exciting everyone has been so lovely!
JOAN: (snorts) so stupid you mean.

Sorry I don't understand what point your making. Are you suggesting I change my two lines to what you've put above?

Quote: Steve Whyley @ 9th July 2014, 12:08 PM BST

But they're not funny lines which was your initial criticism. I think their opening lines are great as they set up the relationship (like you say). Gav and Stace "Can't beleive we're finally meeting tomorrow. Only 24 hours to go now babe" - again nothing funny about it but sets up the premise. My episode is about Ellie's first day and I'm trying to set that up. So I don't think your opening lines need to be funny.

However, if the rest of the lines aren't funny (which is what people are saying of my script!) then you have a problem!

So to answer your 'why not question' I am trying to immediately set something up where the audience recognise that something is at stake for Ellie - why would she be nervous? The episode is focused on her and her first day, so my opening tries to set that thread up (but maybe I fail)

View original

It certainly wasn't my criticism the answer to my question to why not is because it sets up the chapters or moves the plot. Ideally all three. Don't shuffle onto stage and meander into any of the above. The job is to do all three things and as soon as possible if it's doing none of the above cut it or work on it so it does is my point.

Quote: Steve Whyley @ 9th July 2014, 12:12 PM BST

Sorry I don't understand what point your making. Are you suggesting I change my two lines to what you've put above?

View original

Along those lines yes. Be your own editor.

Ok, cheers!

So far you've quoted 'Fawlty Towers', 'The Office' and 'Dinner Ladies'.
All of which will have come before the commissioners with a pretty major star attached - a proven record.
On top of that two of them have provided probably the greatest 'monsters' ever created in TV comedy as their leads.

You currently have none of these advantages.
Now, you're unlikely to get the first, so it might be worth trying to create the second.
If you think we're going to care about Ruth because we may have glimpsed a certificate on her wall, then you're out of luck.
There has to be something about her.
And it needs to leap off the page - and the top of page one at that.

Have you thought of asking your cousin Gerald for advice?

Thanks Lazzard! Paul, not sure what you mean by that? Something's gone way over my head!

Gerald Wiley aka Ronnie Barker I believe. you'd need a good medium...

Thanks for all of the comments everyone! Sounds like I've got loads to work on. Couple of positive comments but overall sounds like it's pretty weak. I'll get back to it. But thanks for taking the time. Sorry for wasting the time of those people who really didn't like it!

It's a pretty intimidating place to post as you all know what you like, what you don't and obviously have a keen eye for comedy! But thanks for taking the time - I'll let you know if I get anywhere with it!

Ha ok!

Hi Steve again I am just talking about craft not what I like. I don't like Ercol chairs but If I place my arse on one I want it holding firm. And I know that it will.

Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 9th July 2014, 12:31 PM BST

Have you thought of asking your cousin Gerald for advice?

View original

He doesn't need advice and he is not a cousin of Ronnie Barker, and the comment is ridiculous and crowbarred in to make no point.

Quote: Marc P @ 9th July 2014, 1:25 PM BST

I don't like Ercol chairs but If I place my arse on one I want it holding firm. And I know that it will.

View original

Stop boasting about the firmness of your pert arse and critiaue the script!

I have to be proud of something!

Steve hasn't complained, and it's his critique.

Why are we even bothering? Can't we both stop bickering and get on with our work? This is hardly professional.

Complained about what?

Hi all. Taken on board your advice and made changes. Now, I don't know if it has improved it or not and it is still very much in draft form but I just wanted a very quick show of hands to see if it is slightly better, or if I have actually made it worse. I definitely think the idea is a solid one, just need to continue to work on it.

Really appreciate you all having read it, and given me feedback. If you're able to read it again (below - it's all been updated) then that would be great! Thanks!

THE CHARITY SHOP
MY FIRST DAY
Steve Whyley

FADE IN:
INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR - MORNING.
A very tired looking charity shop that looks like it would smell musty.

There are three people around the till - all women. RITA, early fifties,
small and dumpy looking. RITA is the store manager. ELLIE, late twenties who has is tall and attactive. Flanking her is JOAN a 75 year old who very much looks her age.

MAUREEN, 80 and with a zimmerframe, is putting books out onto a shelf and is a small distance away from the other three.

RITA
So your first day! Are you nervous?

CUSTOMER enters the changing room

ELLIE
No not really. Everyone's been so
lovely.

JOAN (GRUNTS)
Lovely?

BEAT
Stupid more like.

JOAN looks at MAUREEN in the distance.

Especially that old cow.

RITA
Joan! Please!

BEAT
Can't believe this is my 15th year!

JOAN
Nor can we.

BEAT
We thought the diabetes would've got you by now.

RITA
Not me Joan. I'm like (SOME SORT OF INDESTRUCTIBLE GAG)

JOAN
(GAG)

ELLIE
Still can't believe someone stole that lovely necklace this morning. I'm so sorry I didn't spot it, you just don't expect it.

RITA
Some sad people out there.

BEAT
Someone stole a DVD of Gardners World yesterday.

JOAN
Christ, that's not sad, that's dangerous.

RITA
The Monty Don era as well.

ELLIE
Jesus. That is scary.

RITA
Just remember to use the codeword if you suspect anything.

ELLIE
So it's 'has anyone seen my umbrella' right?

RITA
That's the one

CUSTOMER exits the changing room

CUSTOMER
Excuse me, what do you think of this?

RITA
Go on Ellie, we'll let you take this one!

ELLIE
It's nice, I like it.

ELLIE approaches the customer and tugs on the dress she's
wearing.

I mean it pinches a little around the middle but I think you can get
away with it. What do you think guys?

CUSTOMER (DISGUSTED)
I meant the necklace.

ELLIE (LOOKING AROUND HORRIFIED)
Oh I'm so sorry.

CUSTOMER
This is my dress.

CUSTOMER looks horrified and exits the shop quickly, dumping
the necklace on the floor. ELLIE looks devastated.

JOAN (LAUGHING)
Well she's going to fit in just fine.

RITA (SYMPATHETICALLY)
Oh don't worry love. Joan can you go and make Ellie a nice tea?

JOAN
Who am I Cinderella? Get your ladyship to do it.

CAMERA PANS TO MAUREEN WHO IS PUTTING SOME DVDS ON A SHELF
WITH THE AID OF HER ZIMMER FRAME.

ROLL CREDITS

INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR. LATE MORNING
The same people are on the shop floor but they are joined by
SALLY from head office, who is 45, blonde and attractive
looking.

RITA
Ellie, this is Sally. She's from our head office. She comes down
from time to time to see how we're getting on.

SALLY
Hi Ellie.

ELLIE
Hiya, nice to meet you.

RITA and SALLY walk through the store room to get to the
back. They pass an old volunteer - PAM, 75, who is fast
asleep and wearing a cocktail dress and white stilettos.

SALLY (SHOCKED)
Oh God is she dead?

RITA
No that's just Pam.

BEAT
She's just hungover again.

BEAT
Major alcohol problem.

SALLY (Taken a back)
Oh...

RITA
She's meant to be going paintballing this afternoon.

SALLY
Paintballing?

RITA
Yeh loves it she does.

BEAT
Capture the flag today I believe.

SALLY
Right!

CUT TO SHOP FLOOR
INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR. LATE MORNING

ELLIE and JOAN are joined by TIM - early thirties, lean and scruffily presented and PAUL - also early thirties. MAUREEN is still putting books out. A Mum with two children are browsing the shop, as well as an older lady.

ELLIE speaking to PAUL and TIM
Heya.

PAUL
Hello, I'm Paul.

TIM
And I'm Tim.

PAUL
Come on mate, tell her your full name.

TIM
Don't start.

ELLIE
What do you mean?

PAUL
So his name is Tim Tims.

BEAT (LAUGHING)
I'm not even joking.

ELLIE
Tim Tims?

PAUL
It's honestly funnier the more I hear it.

JOAN
Christ your parents gave you no chance did they son.

ELLIE (CHUCKLING)
Well I'm Ellie, are you both volunteers as well?

TIM (SHOCKED)
Oh God no. I'm a paid member of staff - I'm the deputy manager.

PAUL
Christ knows how.

TIM
Trebled turnover so that's probably how.

PAUL
Yes, we now make three pounds a week.

ELLIE laughs

TIM (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT)
Ellie, has Rita given you your discount card yet?

ELLIE
We get a discount card?

PAUL
Yes it comes in particularly handy for Tim at Christmas time.

ELLIE
What do you mean?

PAUL
Tim has little in the way of family or friends so buy's himself
Christmas presents. (BETTER JOKE THREAD THAN THIS? MORE CUTTING
REMARK NEEDED. REMOVE THE CHRISTMAS REFERENCE?)

TIM
He's winding you up. My mum works here as it goes.

PAUL(HAPPILY)
Her name is Kim.

BEAT
Kim Tims

PAUL starts crying with laughter.

And remind us Tim, what does your
Dad do again?

TIM (SLIGHTLY ASHAMED)
He works for Build the Bear factory. (FUNNIER JOB OUT THERE?)

PAUL
Yes Tim's family is quite the production line of talent.

JOAN (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
He's made you look a right idiot there Tim.

PAUL Laughs

ELLIE
Leave him alone, poor guy.

TIM
Thanks. This is what I have to put up with.

MAUREEN comes over

MAUREEN
What's all the laughing?

JOAN
Can't keep your nose out can you Mo?

TIM
Joan!

BEAT
Paul is just being horrible again to me Mo. Nothing I can't handle.

MAUREEN
Oh. Can you help me put these up on the top shelf, I can't reach.

ELLIE
Here, let me help you.

ELLIE walks off to help MAUREEN

CUT TO OFFICE:
INT. CHARITY SHOP OFFICE. LATE MORNING

RITA and SALLY are sat around a tiny desk. There's a picture of the entire charity shop staff up on the wall and various certificates belonging to rita that celebrate how long she has been at the company for.

SALLY
Thanks for making time to see me.

RITA
Not a problem, always lovely to catch up.

SALLY
I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad news Reet.

RITA
Is it the breast?

SALLY
What? No.

BEAT
NO

BEAT
As you know, Peacocks up the road has shut down.

RITA
Yes I saw that. Poor Tim, he's going to need to find somewhere
else to get his shoes now.

SALLY
Head Office has decided to buy the store.

RITA
Ooo, how exciting!

SALLY
It is, but we're putting in an experienced team to run the store.
We had a similar store at Loughton that made profits of one thousand
pounds last year.

RITA
What does that mean?

SALLY
Well we think that we need to be running our charity shops more like
a business. So it's with great regret that we're likely to shut
down this charity shop later in the year, and focus on the new one up
the road.

RITA
What? You can't do that.

SALLY
I'm so sorry. It's not a reflection on you, honestly. It just doesn't
make enough money - it's too small, and in a poor location.

RITA
So let me and my team run the new one.

SALLY (RELUCTANTLY)
We've already got a team in.

RITA
I've given fifteen years of my life to this. You can't do this. I've got people out there who have given everything to this store. It's their life. Why do you think they volunteer here?

SALLY
I, I...

RITA
They volunteer here because they actually care about mental health.

BEAT
Christ, Joan's husband killed himself for God's sake. You think these new 'professional' lot give a crap about mental health?

SALLY
They do Rita.

RITA
Rubbish.

BEAT
What if we start making more money?

SALLY
But...

RITA
Answer the question. If we make one hundred thousand pounds a year we
could remain open yes?

SALLY
Yes, but you're not going...

RITA
You've said yes. We make enough money, we stay open?

SALLY
But it's impossible for you to make anywhere near one hundred thousand
pounds.

RITA
That team out there will make this shop one hundred thousand pounds.

CUT TO: TIM IN THE TOILET

INT. OUTSIDE CHARITY SHOP TOILET. LATE MORNING

TIM
Oh no, come on not again. Let me out!

Bashing of the door can be heard whilst PAUL laughs

CUT TO: RITA AND SALLY MEETING

INT. CHARITY SHOP OFFICE. LATE MORNING

RITA
So we make one hundred thousand pounds this year we stay open?

SALLY
Yes but I just don't see how that is going to happen.

RITA
You leave that to me.

FADE TO BLACK