My new script - The Charity Shop

Morning all,

I've been working on a new script for the last couple of weeks centred around a charity shop. I've tried to follow your advice and make a sitcom that follows a more traditional format. My mum works in a charity shop, and I ended up volunteering recently at the weekends to try and get a feel for the place. The location - the Charity Shop - may not excite you all that much but this is my first traditional 'location' based sitcom and I'd love your feedback.

I've attached a couple of scenes (10 pages of PDF). They are still very much work in progress. I'm strangely nervous about posting this! Thanks in advance for reading it.

THE CHARITY SHOP
MY FIRST DAY
Steve Whyley

FADE IN:
INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR - MORNING.
A very tired looking charity shop that is full of old junk
including teapots, old rags and battered books. The shop
looks like it would smell musty. Five people are huddled
around a till, a customer is browsing and another person is
putting books on to a shelf.

The five people around the till are RITA, early fifties,
small and dumpy looking. RITA is the store manager. ELLIE
and PAUL, both late twenties, are standing next to her.
Flanking them are TIM, early thirties who is very lean and
tall, and JOAN a 75 year old who very much looks her age.
MAUREEN, 80 and with a zimmerframe, is putting books out
onto a shelf and is a small distance away from the other
five.

RITA
So are you nervous?

CUSTOMER enters the changing room

ELLIE
No not really, more excited than
anything. Everyone's been so
lovely.

JOAN
Excited?

JOAN lets out a disgusted noise

JOAN (CONT)
As for them being lovely, presume
you mean stupid?

BEAT

JOAN looks at MAUREEN in the distance.

Especially that old cow.

RITA
Joan! Please!

TIM
I remember my first day here.

PAUL
I think half of Rayleigh remembers
your first day. What were you
thinking?

ELLIE
What do you mean, what happened?

RITA
Tim got in to a little bit of
bother.

PAUL
Yeh he..

TIM (INTERRUPTS)
Oi! I'll tell it.

BEAT

PAUL
Tim rugby tackled an old lady.

ELLIE
Oh my god!

TIM
It's not how it sounds!

PAUL
It's exactly how it sounds.

TIM
I thought she'd stolen a DVD - I
saw her put it in her bag.

PAUL
Well you were wrong wasn't you!

BEAT
Still can't believe you then had
the audacity to empty her bag as
she laid sprawled across Trudy.

ELLIE
So you rugby tackled an old lady?

PAUL
Correct.

TIM
I still think she nicked something.

ELLIE
Was she hurt?

PAUL
No but Trudy took a whack to the
nose.

BEAT
She hasn't worked here since!

RITA
Suffers with terrible sinusitis now
I believe.

JOAN
Shame it couldn't have been
Maureen.

RITA
Joan!

CUSTOMER exits the changing room

CUSTOMER
Excuse me, what do you think of
this?

RITA
Go on Ellie, we'll let you take
this one!

ELLIE
It's nice, I like it.

BEAT

ELLIE approaches the customer and tugs on the dress she's
wearing

I mean it pinches a little around
the middle but I think you can get
away with it. What do you think
guys?

CUSTOMER (DISGUSTED)
I meant the necklace.

ELLIE (LOOKING AROUND HORRIFIED)
Oh I'm so sorry.

CUSTOMER
This is my dress.

CUSTOMER looks horrified and exits the shop quickly, dumping
the necklace on the floor. ELLIE looks devastated.

JOAN (LAUGHING)
Well she's going to fit in just
fine.

PAUL
Still, least she didn't take down
an OAP. (funnier line needed?)

RITA (SYMPATHETICALLY)
Oh don't worry love. Joan can you
go and make Ellie a nice tea?

JOAN
Who am I Cinderella? Get your
ladyship to do it.

CAMERA PANS TO MAUREEN WHO IS PUTTING SOME DVDS ON A SHELF
WITH THE AID OF HER ZIMMER FRAME.

ROLL CREDITS

INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR. LATE MORNING
The same people are on the shop floor but they are joined by
SALLY from head office, who is 45, blonde and attractive
looking.

RITA
Ellie, this is Sally. She's from
our head office. She comes down
from time to time to see how we're
getting on.

SALLY
Hi Ellie.

ELLIE
Hiya, nice to meet you.

RITA and SALLY walk through the store room to get to the
back. They pass an old volunteer - PAM, 75, who is fast
asleep and wearing a cocktail dress and white stilettos.

SALLY (SHOCKED)
Oh God is she dead?

RITA
No that's just Pam.

BEAT
I've told her she shouldn't go
clubbing midweek!

SALLY
She goes clubbing? Isn't she a
little...

RITA
Too old?

SALLY
Well yes!

RITA
Not Pam! I told her to go easy,
she's got paintballing this
afternoon.

BEAT
She won't be able to capture the
flag in this state.

SALLY
Puts us to shame!

CUT TO SHOP FLOOR
INT. CHARITY SHOP FLOOR. LATE MORNING
ELLIE, TIM, PAUL, JOAN are talking. MAUREEN is still putting
books up and a MUM with two children are browsing the shop.

TIM
Wonder what that is all about?

PAUL
Probably talking about your
impending redundancy.

ELLIE
Are you a volunteer as well Tim?

TIM (SHOCKED)
Oh God no. I'm a paid member of
staff - I'm the deputy manager.

PAUL
Christ knows how.

TIM
Since I've gone full time we've
trebled turnover so that's probably
how.

PAUL
Yes, we now make three pounds a
week.

ELLIE laughs

TIM (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT)
Ellie, has Rita given you your
discount card yet?

ELLIE
We get a discount card?

PAUL
Yes it comes in particularly handy
for Tim at Christmas time.

ELLIE
What do you mean?

PAUL
Tim has little in the way of family
or friends so buy's himself
Christmas presents. (BETTER JOKE
THREAD THAN THIS? MORE CUTTING
REMARK NEEDED. REMOVE THE CHRISTMAS
REFERENCE?)

TIM
He's winding you up. My mum works
here as it goes.

PAUL(HAPPILY)
And remind us Tim, what does your
Dad do again?

TIM (SLIGHTLY ASHAMED)
He works for Build the Bear
factory. (FUNNIER JOB OUT THERE?)

PAUL
Yes Tim's family is quite the
production line of talent.

JOAN (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
He's made you look a right idiot
there Tim.

PAUL Laughs

ELLIE
Leave him alone, poor guy.

TIM
Thanks. This is what I have to put
up with.

MAUREEN comes over

MAUREEN
What's all the laughing?

JOAN
Can't keep your nose out can you
Mo?

TIM
Joan!

BEAT

Paul is just being horrible again
to me Mo. Nothing I can't handle.

MAUREEN
Oh. Can you help me put these up on
the top shelf, I can't reach.

ELLIE
Here, let me help you.

ELLIE walks off to help MAUREEN

CUT TO OFFICE:
INT. CHARITY SHOP OFFICE. LATE MORNING
RITA and SALLY are sat around a tiny desk. There's a picture
of the entire charity shop staff up on the wall and various
certificates belonging to rita that celebrate how long she
has been at the company for.

SALLY
Thanks for making time to see me.

RITA
Not a problem, always lovely to
catch up.

SALLY
I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad
news Reet.

RITA
Is it the breast?

SALLY
What? No.

BEAT
NO

BEAT
As you know, Peacocks up the road
has shut down.

RITA
Yes I saw that. Poor Tim, he's
going to need to find somewhere
else to get his shoes now.

SALLY
Head Office has decided to buy the
store.

RITA
Ooo, how exciting!

SALLY
It is, but we're putting in an
experienced team to run the store.
We had a similar store at Loughton
that made profits of one thousand
pounds last year.

RITA
What does that mean?

SALLY
Well we think that we need to be
running our charity shops more like
a business. So it's with great
regret that we're likely to shut
down this charity shop later in the
year, and focus on the new one up
the road.

RITA
What? You can't do that.

SALLY
I'm so sorry. It's not a reflection
on you, honestly. It just doesn't
make enough money - it's too small,
and in a poor location.

RITA
So let me and my team run the new
one.

SALLY (RELUCTANTLY)
We've already got a team in.

RITA
I've given fifteen years of my life
to this. You can't do this.

BEAT
What if we start making more money?

SALLY
But...

RITA
Answer the question. If we make one
hundred thousand pounds a year we
could remain open yes?

SALLY
Yes, but you're not going...

RITA
You've said yes. We make enough
money, we stay open?

SALLY
But it's impossible for you to make
anywhere near one hundred thousand
pounds.

RITA
That team out there will make this
shop one hundred thousand pounds.

CUT TO: TIM IN THE TOILET
INT. OUTSIDE CHARITY SHOP TOILET. LATE MORNING

TIM
Oh no, come on not again. Let me
out!

Bashing of the door can be heard whilst PAUL laughs

CUT TO: RITA AND SALLY MEETING.
INT. CHARITY SHOP OFFICE. LATE MORNING

RITA
So we make one hundred thousand
pounds this year we stay open?

SALLY
Yes but I just don't see how that
is going to happen.

RITA
You leave that to me.

FADE TO BLACK

Sorry Steve I know you are not a sitcom virgin as it were but what books on sitcom craft have you read? Keen to know some background.

My notes as I read....

- Don't need to describe shop - there are five on every high street
- Too many people - at opening at least - if you must have 6 characters you need to introduce them slower.
- Currently that second paragraph is a nightmare - I'm having to constantly refer back to it to see who's who
- First gag is 'reported' gag - a pet peeve of mine - don't TELL me about something funny that happened, SHOW me something funny happening
- Technical note - if you're dividing one persons dialogue with action you need to put the character name in again - and don't capitalise character in action - not in this format anyway as it confuses
- "This is my dress" is good line - first laugh
- I don't know who anyone is at this point
- And now there's SALLY, another one!
- Rita's dialogue is a bit on the nose - but at leastI I now know who Sally is.
- Is Pam another a character? Could make a nice running gag - but again, it's talking about something funny rather than showing - but you might get away with it.
- The Tim stuff is just banter really - I'm having trouble working out what his relationship is to the others - a clearer description on introduction would have helped, but he got lost in that busy second paragraph.
- The plot emerges!

It's a bit messy & there's not enough laughs - but that's relatively easy to solve. I just think the set-up is too complicated at the moment. Personally, I've never seem more than two people working in a charity shop - so don't know why this one needs 6 or 7.
The plot device of fighting to save the shop is a bit tired - why is it so important it stay open? The stakes aren't anything like high enough.
Your dialogue is authentic - but there's too much of it and with eight characters you have a mountain to climb if your to give them all a unique voice.
My advice - reduce cast to three - make the lead character have something odd/flawed about them (think 'Black Books') - and raise the stakes (having said that I know for a fact that when commissioners are looking for sitcoms their hearts sink when they see a series arc like this, as it's something they're going to have to re-invent at the end of the series - which is why a strong flawed lead who's desires are thwarted at the end of every episode is the Holy Grail).

I think this has got promise but isn't that hilarious just yet.

On the plus side... A charity shop seems like a good location for a sitcom - you've got your regulars (who may not be totally professional..) and you've got people drifting in and out. And I can't recall a sitcom set in one, although there was one in the League of Gentlemen ('don't be rude dear' / 'I'm not being rude dear' etc) which definitely showed the potential of the setting. You've established the setting clearly. You've set up a clear premise with the charity shop having to make 100K a year or be taken over. I think the whole conflict between the need to be professional and have appropriate standards of management bollocks versus the fusty, folksy traditions of charity shop running could be the source of a lot of humour. There are also some good gags in the script - for instance, the dress/necklace confusion could be very funny indeed if played well.

On the minus side... I felt you'd introduced far too many characters all at once. They don't all earn their keep. I'd keep some of them in reserve until they can be introduced at points where they're actually going to add some humour. The script rambles on in a first draft-y sort of way and isn't funny enough consistently enough. There's some stuff which could be good if it was happening now (shown) but which is being related as the past - why isn't the old lady being rugby-tackled now instead of us just hearing that an old lady was rugby-tackled in the past.

In general though, I think you're onto something.

And by the way Steve yes I have read one book on comedy writing - the comic toolbox and yes I have failed many times to get a sit com produced. But this failure helps I think in offering advice to others

Hi Marc, yes I have also read Comic Toolbox and also Elephant Bucks by Sheldon Bull and one other - Writing Television Sitcoms by Evan Smith.

All my 'education' has come from watching sitcoms though. I practically own every boxset there is to own, and I have watched the audio commentaries with directors, writers, and actors relentlessly - I love learning in that way I guess.

Also, whatever I have attempted to write is stuff that has happened to me. I am not good enough to dream stuff up. I volunteered at this Charity Shop and there were 6 volunteers that started that morning. A manager, a paid member of staff, my mum, 2 old women and one young guy who was doing community service. This is the reason there are about 4000 characters in the opening scene!

I guess I didn't see a major problem with having loads of characters from the off as I almost see this sitcom as dinnerladies esque. However, I take on board your comments (thank you very much for these) and I will remove a couple of them and introduce them later on. I guess I looked at it as though I only really had a couple talking properly - Tim and Paul. Joan just says one liners. Maureen doesn't talk and Ellie is just there as a device to allow the audience to get introduced to the main characters.

So Pam is another character but she never speaks and is only ever seen sleeping - it will be a running gag. And the things she has got up to in the previous evenings will become more and more ridiculous.

So I liked the first scene - before the credits. But then felt it got weaker when Tim, Paul, Ellie and Joan were left alone - that could be funnier. I think the Sally, Rita scene is fine (not sure if you agree) and includes the funniest line "is it the breast".

To answer your question - it's important to stay open because it is this Rita's life. The description shows how certificates are proudly on the wall, and how she's dedicated '15 years of her life to it'. It may be better to introduce that scene at the end of the sitcom once you know why the shop is important to everyone.

Also, it may be cliche but it's a formula that works - In Derek the retirement home is under threat of being closed. The Office first episode - Slough or Swindon are going to lose their jobs. Yes it's a bit unimaginative but if it works for sitcoms that are on TV then I'm ok to borrow that in my opinion. Maybe the bigger problem is where I have introduced it within the script.

Appreciate all your comments, much to think on!

Finally, I felt it was important to describe the shop as I wanted to make v clear that this is an old, and out dated charity shop compared to the newer charity shops that are hitting the high streets. In my opinion that is quite important - this is the very reason they're closing it down - it's old. They're replacing it with a shiny new one, that is finally in the 21st century that will be run like a proper business. This same thing happened to my mum. She worked in one that was from the dark ages, it got closed down and replaced by a updated one that had standards and would turn away merchandise if it wasn't good enough. So whilst agree people know what charity shops are I felt it important to clearly state this one is old and knackered.

Main characters should be something like, manager, two assistants and the community service guy, along with a regular and maybe someone for them to bounce off too?

The overall tone and the way the characters react to their environment should be enough to describe the shop and its own character.

Nice shout on showing the old lady being rugby tackled rather than being talked about. Maybe I could show it in the form of flashback, or just take Rupe's advice and it actually happens on that day.

Cheers Lee. So at the moment I've introduced a manager, an assistant manager, a young guy, a young girl, and an old lady as the main characters. Then one character - from head office - who will barely be in it. One character who is permanently asleep and has no lines. And one character who is old, and barely has any lines but is just there as Joan's punchbag. So I don't think I've introduced many more characters than what you are suggesting. I guess the problem is that I've introduced them pretty much all at once.

And yes I guess the audience will realise it is a crappy old shop by the people working in it, their attitude and the things they get up to. I didn't see the harm in writing one line of description that just said it was an old shop. But I can remove it if necessary.

Quote: Steve Whyley @ 9th July 2014, 11:00 AM BST

Nice shout on showing the old lady being rugby tackled rather than being talked about. Maybe I could show it in the form of flashback, or just take Rupe's advice and it actually happens on that day.

View original

This was my first thought on the script, something along the lines of "Can you remember Lee's first day?" then go to a flashback, and maybe if you want the Lee character to think he's better than his colleagues show him remembering his first day as completely different, where he is the perfect gent.

I would agree with others that they are far too many characters in the opening. If you want that many characters then it's up to you, but you don't have to introduce them all straight away.

sorry Steve it just seems to me to be full of the kind of mistakes a first or so sitcom stab would have in it. The bearded fellow did a good overview for you. Phone someone at the BBC and ask for a list of most common sitcom settings in spec scripts I think MJ posted a list here once. It's not a bad starting point .

As to the script I will just ask one question. Is there a joke in your first two lines? And if not why not?

Quote: Marc P @ 9th July 2014, 11:49 AM BST

Phone someone at the BBC and ask for a list of most common sitcom settings in spec scripts I think MJ posted a list here once.

View original

Do they mind if you do that? Who would you ask to speak to?

I got into the first 2 pages and you've got 4 or so characters who all sound exactly the same, they're doing nothing but talking and even then it's to describe a not particularly funny visual story.

This isn't good.

Can you elaborate - what are the basic errors I have made? Thanks!

As for the no joke in the first two lines - I don't believe that is necessary. The greatest sitcom ever didn't have a joke in the first couple of lines:

Basil: [on the phone] One double room without bath for the 16th, 17th and 18th... yes, and if you'd be so good as to confirm by letter? ... thank you so much, goodbye. [puts the phone down]
Sybil: [bustling in] Have you made up the bill for room twelve, Basil?
Basil: No, I haven't yet, no.
Sybil: Well, they're in a hurry. Polly says they didn't get their alarm call. And Basil, please get that picture up - it's been there for a week. [goes into office]

Gavin and Stacey there is no gag in the first couple of lines - instead they set up the premise for the rest of the show.

You shouldn't just stick in a joke in the first two lines for the sake of it in my opinion.

Ok thanks Sootyj! Fair to say you're not a fan then!

Those llines establish the two main characters and their relationship right there in the two first lines.

I didn't say you had to have a gag, we know the acting will help withe FT opening, he did have a bit of a track record. It's the why not that needs answering.

But they're not funny lines which was your initial criticism. I think their opening lines are great as they set up the relationship (like you say). Gav and Stace "Can't beleive we're finally meeting tomorrow. Only 24 hours to go now babe" - again nothing funny about it but sets up the premise. My episode is about Ellie's first day and I'm trying to set that up. So I don't think your opening lines need to be funny.

However, if the rest of the lines aren't funny (which is what people are saying of my script!) then you have a problem!

So to answer your 'why not question' I am trying to immediately set something up where the audience recognise that something is at stake for Ellie - why would she be nervous? The episode is focused on her and her first day, so my opening tries to set that thread up (but maybe I fail)