SKETCH COMP 11.8-18.8

Right - start of another competition which I've cut and pasted again.

This week's winner is... JUDE again! Jurassic Park!

And with the new points system you win 10 big shiny points!

Votes - Points - Name
03 - 10 - Jude
02 - 5 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
02 - 05 - Leevil
01 - 01 - Batman
01 - 01 - Steven

Last week I asked both Frankie and jude to PM a new subject so I could toss for it (any excuse). While I love to tire my limbs tossing, I now reckon that was pretty unfair so this week you can have both topics and select the one that tickles your fancy. Only one each mind!

So this weeks topic is... the DHSS (Frankie) or WOODS (Jude).

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Tuesday 18 September

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

50 - Baumski
40 - Jude
25 - Charley Rance
16 - Michael Monkhouse
16 - Frankie Rage
15 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
11 - David Chapman
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Gavin
01 - EllieJP
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Steven
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? Wouldn't surprise me, I've just seen Melanie C in thigh-length boots, so PM me. Thanks

Two deers in the woods during hunting season

Deer 1 : Frank... i'm scared.

Deer 2: It's okay George...you remember the plan?

Deer 1: Yep... we act like squirrels until they leave us alone.

Deer 2: That's correct George... then the hunters won't want to shoot us cause they'll think we're cute squirrels.

Deer 1: (scared) Frank...they're here.

The Hunters approach with guns on show ready for action.

Hunter 1: (pointing ahead squinting) There's a pair of...well i don't know...they look quite big...but they're trying to climb trees and eating acorns.

Hunter 2: Oh they're just a pair of squirrels frolicking in the trees. Come on there's better game over there.

The Hunters leave

Deer 1: Phew... that was bloody lucky...i thought i was dead meat when i couldn't get up that tree.

Deer 2: I told you it would work...Those "Acting Nuts" classes can get you out of all kind of situations. It work for all kinds of animals... rabid dogs, angry crocs...Lindsey Lohan.

Dog-gone sexy

A bloke is lying in the woods, twirling round, getting horny and grunting. 'Ooh that's it,' he howls, 'Keep going, that's the naughtiest thing...'

A dog runs up wih a stick in its mouth.

He pats it on the head. 'You hot bitch, you always give me wood.'

BEAR NECESSITIES
EXT NIGHT. A WOOD.

TWO BEARS STUMBLE ACROSS SOME DOGGERS BANG AT IT IN THE WOODS. THE BEARS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THE DOGGERS SCRAM.

FADE.

EXT DAY - A WOOD.
AGAIN, THE TWO BEARS DISCOVER A COUPLE IN FLAGRANTE ON A CAR BONNET. THE BEARS SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
FADE.

Come up on the bears reclining next to a log.

Bear 1:
I’m starving, shall we look for some food?

Bear 2:
Do humans shag in the woods?
CUT

A woman behind the counter in the DHSS.

A man with no arms sits opposite. The woman stares at him for a few seconds.

DHSS WOMAN
So Dear, have you looked for work at all in the past 2 weeks.

MAN WITH NO ARMS
It hard as I from Poland. I also have no arms (Jiggles his torso at her)

DHSS WOMAN
Really dear I cant say I noticed.Well lets see what we have for you. (Taps away at the PC) Oh there is plenty of work for you.
Pol -itician, Pol –iceman a can of Pol-ish (DHSS Woman cackles).

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS STARES AT HER

DHSS WOMAN (CONT)
No, not up for any of those. Ok, well we have one more job here, are you any good at scaring people?

MAN WITH NO ARMS STARES AT HER

DHSS WOMAN (CONT)
Well we have a job here as a Pol-tergeist. (Screams with laughter)
(Composes herself)
OK Ok I will be serious. You have no arms right.

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS NODS.

DHSS WOMAN
Ok let's see what Jobs we have here. After all there is no arm in looking. (Pfff busts out laughing)

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST

DHS WOMAN (CONT)
Okay no it’s a shame you don’t have atleast one arm. There is a job going here working for our local mafia firm, as a fruit machine. Yea a one armed bandit. (Giggles so hard she starts to cry).
The woman composes herself.

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS STARTS TO LOOK ANGRY

DHS WOMAN
Ok I tell you what just sign here, oh you cant sorry (Puts the pen in-between the mans teeth) There you go, just wobble your head about. (Throws her head back in laughter)

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS
You are not nice person. I send complaint

DHSS WOMAN
(Sarcastic) What you going to write to them, pick up the phone & call them. I dont think so

THE MAN WITH NO ARMS
You are nasty woman

DHSS WOMAN
Yep but I can do this.(Starts flailing her arms about)

CLOSE

INT. DHSS OFFICE ON A WET MONDAY. A DIVERSE GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE SAT WAITING TO BE SEEN. A SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICER COMES OUT FROM A BACK ROOM AND GIVES THEM ALL A FORM TO FILL IN.

DHSS WORKER:
Right then... has everybody got a form? Good, OK then... any long term disability?

TWO OF THE GROUP TICK BOXES ON THEIR FORMS.

DHSS WORKER:
Anyone suffering from Dyslexia?

QUITE A FEW MORE TICK THEIR FORMS.

DHSS WORKER:
Are you caring for a sick relative?

A YOUNG WOMAN TICKS HER FORM.

DHSS WORKER:
Have you ever suffered an injury or any form of abuse in the workplace?

SEVERAL PEOPLE TICK THEIR FORMS.

DHSS WORKER:
Do you have three kids by four different fathers?

THE YOUNG WOMAN LOOKS UP IN TRIUMPH.

YOUNG WOMAN:
House!

EXT. WOOD - DAY

A YOUNG WOMAN WALKS THROUGH THE WOOD WITH HER MOTHER. THE MOTHER’S DRESSED IN DESIGNER CLOTHES AND A HARD HAT.

DAUGHTER
Mum, you should have dressed down.

MOTHER
You said he was a tree feller.

DAUGHTER
But...

MOTHER
Well, I’m not taking any risks, not with my head. I don’t want him dropping a tree on it.

THE DAUGHTER ROLLS HER EYES.

DAUGHTER
Here we are!

EXT. TREE HOUSE - DAY

A SCUFFED-UP YOUNG GUY SMILES AND WAVES FROM A TREE HOUSE.

EXT. WOOD - DAY

THE MOTHER SCREWS UP HER FACE IN DISGUST. THE DAUGHTER SMILES AND WAVES.

MOTHER
Don’t encourage him!

DAUGHTER
But that’s Mike! I said he was a tree fella!

MOTHER
(MUMBLES)
Timber...

BODY RIGID WITH SHOCK, THE MOTHER HITS THE GROUND LIKE A FELLED TREE.

A scoutmaster is leading his troop through dense woods.

SCOUTMASTER: So, lads, how would I find you deep in the woods?

SCOUT 1: Our calls?

SCOUT 2: Retracing steps?

SCOUTMASTER: Heh, no, irresistible!

The scouts look concerned, and there is the distant cry of wolves. The scoutmaster genially whistles.

INT. DHSS OFFICE – DAY

A SCRUFFY MAN COVERED IN TATTOOS SITS OPPOSITE A WOMAN IN A SUIT.

WOMAN: So Mr Phillips, we’re here today to try and discover your positive attributes, and thus hopefully find a suitable job for you. You’ve been out of work for... (refers to notes) ...five years now? That’s an awfully long time - what have you been up to?

MR PHILLIPS: Well, y’know... this and that.

WOMAN: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to be a bit more specific... have you been involved in any charity work in that period, for example?

MR PHILLIPS: Charity? What, helpin’ people and that?

WOMAN: Yes.

MR PHILLIPS: Yeah, I help people all the time... my mate Carlton had tons of trouble gettin’ hold of some ganja for his son’s 18th birthday bash, and I got him an henry of pukka Sensee, no probs.

THE DHSS WOMAN LOOKS STERNLY AT HIM.

WOMAN: Unpaid charity work?

MR PHILLIPS: Ah... well, I only took a nip of it for me trouble, like.

WOMAN: (reading out what she’s writing down) ‘Good at under-cutting.’ (to Mr Phillips) Didn’t he notice that his deal was a bit short?

MR PHILLIPS: Yeah, but I told him that the geezer I get it from has hookey scales, like.

WOMAN: (continues writing) ‘Competent liar.’ (to Mr Phillips) Any hobbies or interests, Mr Phillips?

MR PHILLIPS: Well, I’m quite athletic in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

HE WINKS LECHINGLY AT HER.

WOMAN: Is that a hobby you pursue with Mrs Phillips?

MR PHILLIPS: I’m not bothered... I’ll shag anyone really.

WOMAN: (writing) ‘Enjoys screwing people’.

SHE PUTS HER PEN AND PAPER DOWN.

WOMAN: (CONT’D) Well Mr Phillips, I know the perfect job for you... Chancellor of the Exchequer. We’ll give you a ring when the next vacancy arises.

MR PHILLIPS: No way! I’m not working with that Brown Fella - he’s a right c**t!

A woman is behind a desk at the DHSS talking to a customer, there are several other customers waiting in chairs near by.

A guy comes in, dressed in black, and tuts at the length of the queue. He has a big hold all with him. He takes out a gun and shoots the first two people immediately in the queue, he strangles the next with a rope, takes out a blade and plunges it into the belly of a third and then, suffocates another with a plastic bag.

The guy who is currently talking to the DHSS staff member stands up:

Unemployed bloke: “ Well thanks for all your help”

Staff member: “That’s my pleasure Mr Johnson, see you next week”

At this point the man in black plunges a samurai sword through this guy’s stomach from his back and pushes the guy to the floor.

Staff member (Presses bell): “Next please”

Guy in black: “That’ll be me”

Staff member: “Take a seat....So how can I help you?”

Guy in black: “I’m looking for work”

Staff member: “What type of work?, What’s your skill set?”

Guy in black: “Well I’ve mainly worked in contracting”

Staff member: “We’ve got a job for a cleaner in Staines”

Guy in black: “A cleaner? Yeah that’s the sort of thing I’m looking for”

Staff member: “They say they are looking for someone who can work antisocial hours and can provide their own equipment. Does that sound of any interest to you?”

Guy in black: “ Yeah I’ll take it “

Staff member: “ Ok great. (HANDS OVER PAPERS) You can start tomorrow “.

Guy in black: “Thanks”

GUY IN BLACK WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR

Staff member: “Close the door on your way out won’t you”

Guy in black: “Sure thing”

PULLS THE PIN OUT OF A GRENADE AND LOBS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER ON THE WAY OUT OF THE DOOR, WHICH HE THEN CLOSES CAREFULLY.

Okay I'm closing the comp and opening the voting... Till Friday night! Thanks for participating and for not taking the proverbial pee outa my inability to count months.

Dale

Charley

EllieJP - Huzzah for talking deers.

Dale.