An opening scene

I feel I have a great concept. I've been fleshing everything out the last two weeks. The one thing I struggle with is establishing characters. I tend to take a whole episode or a long time at least. Anyway, I'm working on a sitcom called "Spirits" about two guys who become Ghost Hunters to pay the bills. It's very much a character piece and is grounded in reality so no one is wearing white sheets on there head or anything. The paranormal aspect will be a backdrop to the lives of these characters. It's not a studio sitcom. Here is the first scene of the pilot and I had hoped to establish both my leads in a single scene. Your feedback would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

SCENE 1. INT. AA MEETING HALL. 10:05 AM.

A MIDDLE AGED PORTLY MAN RISES FROM A CHAIR.

MAN:
Hello, everybody.

WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL A CIRCLE OF SEATED PEOPLE OF VARIOUS AGE AND DEMEANOR IN A DIMLY LIT ROOM WITH RATHER BARON FURNISHINGS.

MAN:
My name is Barry.

GROUP (in unison):
Hello Barry!

WE SEE TWO MEN SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER. JEFF ON THE RIGHT, NOT JOINING IN AND LOOKING RATHER MISERABLE AND RATHER UNKEMPT IN APPEARANCE, HE EXUDES MISERY. BRIAN ON THE LEFT, DRESSED IN A TRACKSUIT AND CAP IS FASCINATED BY EVERYONE SHOUTING OUT AND SEEMS LOST IN HIS OWN HEAD.

HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT JEFF WITH A BIG GRIN EXPECTING JEFF TO SHARE IN HIS REACTION. JEFF CROSSES HIS ARMS AND TUTS.

BARRY:
I'm an alcoholic.

EVERYONE BEGINS TO CLAP. JEFF GIVES ABOUT TWO. BRIAN CLAPS JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT. HE BECOMES VERY ENTHUSIASTIC AND JEFF SLAPS HIS HANDS TO STOP HIM.

BARRY (cont'd):
Thank you. I have not had a drink now for two months.

BRIAN:
You don't have to come here if you don't drink, mate.

BRIAN CHUCKLES AND LOOKS AROUND FOR AGREEING FACES. JEFF MIMES "SHUT UP".

BARRY:
I'm finding it very hard, especially when friends and family offer me a drink unknowingly or if there is a get together of...

JEFF:
Look, is this going to take all day or what? Can't we just go around the circle, say who we are and what we are and piss off home?

A LADY SMARTLY DRESSED, CLEARLY THE PERSON RUNNING THE GROUP SPEAKS UP.

LADY:
I am sensing some hostility within the group.

JEFF (sarcastically):
You don't say?

BRIAN LEANS OVER TO JEFF.

BRIAN (whispering):
What does "hospi-tilly" mean?

JEFF GIVES BRIAN AN AGGRAVATED LOOK.

LADY (to Jeff):
Perhaps you should stand up and share with the group, hm?

JEFF SIGHS AND THEN STANDS UP. BRIAN STANDS UP WITH HIM AND JEFF PUSHES HIM BACK DOWN BY HIS SHOULDER.

JEFF:
Hi, I'm Jeff.

THE GROUP BEGIN THERE RESPONSE.

JEFF (cont'd):
No, don't start all that. We'll be here all night otherwise. I'm Jeff and...

BRIAN:
Hi Jeff!

BRIAN BEGINS TO CHUCKLE TO HIMSELF AND LOOKS AROUND THE GROUP FOR A SHARED RESPONSE. JEFF LOOKS DOWN AT HIM WITH DISDAIN.

JEFF:
I'm an alcoholic.

BARRY AND BRIAN BEGIN TO CLAP.

JEFF (cont'd):
Barry! (to Brian)...and you can shut up as well.

JEFF SLAPS BRIAN'S HANDS HARDER THAN BEFORE.

JEFF (cont'd):
Look, I'm not here for someone to talk too. I'm not here for the shared support. I'm not here to listen to your sob stories. I'm not here for Barry's poor excuse for sandwiches.

BARRY LOWERS THE HALF-EATEN SANDWICH FROM HIS MOUTH.

JEFF (cont'd):
I'm here because my bitch of a Sister is getting on my tits and it's the only way to shut her up; To come here every week, sit down with a bunch of alcoholics, without a drink in sight, mostly because they are hidden in your bags...

A NUMBER OF PEOPLE MOVE UNCOMFORTABLY IN THERE CHAIRS AND SOME NUDGE THE BAGS UNDER THERE SEATS WITH THERE FEET.

JEFF (cont'd):
...and listen to all of you rabbit on about how hard it is without a drink. If you want a drink, just have a drink. If you don't want to drink, then don't bloody have a drink! It's simple. Don't come here and put your issues on to me, I'm not interested.

JEFF SITS DOWN AND CROSSES HIS ARMS IN A HUFF.

LADY:
Well, thank you for sharing. I'm sure that felt...

JEFF:
...and that's another thing!

JEFF STANDS BACK UP AGAIN.

JEFF (cont'd):
I can just about tolerate you, Ms. Snooty. I can barely tolerate Barry's home made chicken-wings.

BARRY LOWERS A CHICKEN WING FROM HIS MOUTH AND PUTS IT BACK IN A BUCKET.

JEFF (cont'd):
The one thing I cannot tolerate, apart from having to be here, is sitting next to this hypocrite.

JEFF POINTS TO BRIAN. BRIAN IS UNAWARE JEFF IS TALKING ABOUT HIM.

JEFF (cont'd):
He talks constantly, he smells, he swears, he picks his nose, he breaks wind and worst of all he keeps wanting to be my friend. I simply cannot stand the puss-faced, foul mouthed baboon's rectum!

JEFF SITS BACK DOWN. SILENCE FILLS THE ROOM.

LADY (to Brian):
Well, perhaps you should speak next then.

BRIAN LOOKS AROUND AND THEN POINTS TO HIMSELF.

LADY (cont'd):
Yes, if you'd like.

BRIAN STANDS UP.

LADY (cont'd):
So, who are you, then?

BRIAN:
I'm Brian and I'm his brother.

BRIAN POINTS TOWARDS JEFF. JEFF IS RED-FACED IN ANGER FROM HIS OUTBURST. EVERYONE ELSE REACTS IN AN AWKWARD MANNER. BRIAN STANDS OBLIVIOUS.

End Scene.

I didn't see much evidence of the paranormal stuff you mention in your introduction. This scene seems to be about the other type of spirits.

The dialogue flows well enough and is realistic enough, but I didn't find it especially funny, I'm afraid, and couldn't see where it was going. If you've got a great concept, I'd get it out and wave it around a bit from the off.

Thank you for the response.

Yes, I should of explained a bit better.

Jeff and Brian are unemployed brothers living together. Jeff is depressed due to a relationship breaking up and his lack of ambition in life. Brian is a bit of a dole cheat but only because he doesn't know better, rather uneducated. The events of the pilot lead them to become ghost hunters. The purpose of this opening scene was to show there character traits and there attitude towards there situation. The connection between Spirits of the paranormal and of the drinking kind is intentional.

The whole sitcom will have paranormal aspects and will be key to the plots but that theme is a backdrop.

It's long-winded, with very little action. There's no need to describe every movement everyone makes, that's for the director and actors to decide. I know I'll sound pedantic, but "baron furnishings" would be luxurious. It's 'barren." Likewise it's "their", not "there." Probably best to carry on writing, getting into the paranormal theme, then cut this scene entirely. Lots of writers do that.

Good advice. I have written the entire pilot. Once I was done I posted the first scene here for my initial reasons. I start working on my first rewrite on Friday so there are a few typos I need to sort out like you mentioned. I don't write with a grammar check on because it throws me off and I start rewriting straight away so I do a check as a process in my system.

I actually really like the darkness of the scene, especially the "I'm his brother" line which works on a lot of levels and should be a good punchline with the right delivery.

It could probably gain from losing a couple of Barry's interjections like the "hospi-tilly" (and as others have pointed out, many of the stage directions), it could probably gain a bit of excruciating detail in Brian's story to actually prompt Jeff's rude interruption, but overall it's a good scene, whether it works in the concept of a lighthearted, goofy subject like ghost hunting or not.

Thank you very much. I'm taking my pilot episode through some re-writes and will take on board what you have said. Thanks again I appreciate it.