V V rough scene of the 'death' sitcom I mentione

Hi all,

Few weeks back I tried to see if you think I could write a sitcom about someone who has got a terminal illness. Its quite current at the moment, what with Breaking Bad, Fault in my Stars and Stephen Sutton. The way I work (which is probably wrong!) is to just try and knock out a rough scene, pause and get some feedback, and then move on. This scene has no stage directions - pretty much purely dialogue at this stage.

What I want to know is 1. Is it at all believable or is it just too far fetched? 2. As a rough opening do you think it sets up what is at stake for the character and make you want to read on?

I can easily see this being ripped apart but I wanted to get feedback just to see if there was a tiny seed in all of it..

thanks!

TERMINAL

DOCTOR
Thanks for coming back into see me

TIM
No worries.

DOCTOR
We now now what is causing your irritation around your breast.

TIM
Ok cool, what is it?

DOCTOR
Tim, you've got breast cancer.

TIM
Breast cancer?

DOCTOR
Yes but..

TIM
Breast cancer? How the hell can I have breast cancer? I'm a man.

BEAT

TIM
Breast cancer?

DOCTOR
The good news is that there's a 50% chance of survival if we begin treatment right away.

TIM
Not sure if that is good news. You've just given me a one in two chance of living.

DOCTOR
I can appreciate this has come as a surprise and is upsetting

TIM
Can you? I am thirty and I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm a bloke. It's not even as though it's a manly cancer like lung or throat. Breast.

DOCTOR
350 men get it each year

TIM
Oh brilliant, well I'll set up some sort of freaks club then. Anyone with nipples isn't allowed in.

DOCTOR
Go home, talk it through with your family ??" cancer is a disease which requires a huge support network. We will start your treatment tomorrow. We're hopeful chemotheorpy will work.

TIM
I'm not telling my family about this.

DOCTOR
You shouldn't feel embarassed.

TIM
I'm not embarassed doc. I'm ashamed. I'm a man and have just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

DOCTOR
But..

TIM
I'm getting married in 6 months, presuming I'm still alive. I'm going to be coming down the aisle looking like a whitesupremicst.

DOCTOR
You should involve your fiance, she can help you. You can't do this alone.

TIM
She cried yesterday because I said I didn't like centerpieces. If I go home and tell her there's a 50% chance I'm going to die then...

DOCTOR
Tim, do you know what chemo does to the body?

TIM
Well I know it makes you look like an ill version of Howard Webb.

DOCTOR
You're pumped with poison.You'll more than likely suffer from nosebleeds. You'll be fatigued, you'll lose your hair, you'll suffer sickness, dirreihah and sickness as well as constipation.

TIM
Sounds like a Saturday morning after one too many at the hoop.

DOCTOR
Tim please.

TIM
What do you want from me?

DOCTOR
You need to take this seriously.

TIM
You've just told me I have breast cancer and only a 50% chance of survival. You think I'm not taking this seriously?

TIM starts to cry

TIM
I'm scared. Course I'm taking this f**king seriously.

DOCTOR
I'm sorry. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. That is why I think you need to involve your family.

TIM (still crying)
But if I get through it and come out the other side then why hurt her? She will absolutely fall apart.

DOCTOR
I hate to be the prophet of doom Tim but what happens if you don't come through the other side.

TIM
Then me and you would have failed.

BEAT

All her life she's dreamt of the big wedding. I can't let her down.

DOCTOR
Ok. Well you need help.

TIM
What do you mean?

DOCTOR
Let me set you up with someone.

TIM
You running some sort of niche dating site doc?

DOCTOR
Tim, please. Stop with the jokes. I will set you up with a counsellor here who you can talk through your worries with. He's a great man, and he'll be of great help.

TIM
Ok, thanks. What do I do now?

DOCTOR
At this stage I would normally say go home and tell your family but if you are insisting on not doing that, then go home, rest and get ready for tomorrow. I will arrange for you to Dr Davies after your chemo and you can talk through anything with him.

TIM
That's it?

DOCTOR
For now yes. I'd like you to give some serious thought as to what you are doing. I firmly believe you can't do this alone. At least involve a friend, a family member, a colleague ??" someone who can help support you.

TIM
Ok I will give it some thought.

DOCTOR
Thank you.

I think it's believable and sets up what's at stake, but it's too long-winded. The characters keep saying the same thing in different and not especially amusing ways and the thing loses momentum. Where is it going next?

That said, I did like the joke about the club for blokes with no nipples, but the line comes out a bit convoluted. Could just be 'call it the no-nipple club' or something like that.

Awesome thanks. I agree - it is way too long. Needs to be halved but I just wanted to see if this was in any way a believable situation and reaction to the news.

Where's it going next - great question! I'm getting ideas down on to paper at the moment as to be honest I don't 100% know. I just wanted to try and write this first scene roughly and get a feel for the character. Thanks for replying, appreciate it.

Sorry the first joke was the centrepiece and crying line, the second in poor taste about a working comedian. A bit of a lame gag about the curry the night before and that was it joke wise. Have a read of how to write sitcom books - many of them out there. So it's a no from me, as you know I wasn't sold on the idea and this doesn't make me change my mind. Sorry again to be a bit negative but get help from the experts in the books and learn a bit of craft first. I'd take my ordinal advice but I've already covered that.

Cheers for the feedback Marc. I appreciate it may be light on the jokes front. It's not my first script (https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/27830/) - I have written stuff before that has gone ok, but this is just the way I work. I've read a lot of books but I prefer to learn by doing but I fully agree that it is a light joke wise and that the subject is very much open to debate. As I say, this is an incredibly rough scene, meant to just help me see if this whole situation is at all believable. Appreciate your feedback, I'll get back to writing some more..

There was a lot of unneeded repetition. A few gags that need a bit of tightening and some do fall flat or miss there mark entirely. The length of the scene is far too long and could be shortened which would help with the repetition.

I do think you have a good dialogue going, it's believable. A couple of re-writes and a few more gags or just better ones should do the trick.

Cheers Woozie. I agree - too long, and too repetitive. That opinion seems to be shared by all. Pleasing to hear that it is believable! I'll get writing and work on those gags. Thanks for reading, much appreciated

When you say it has gone Kay... What do you mean Steve.

Just that the thing I wrote and produced - Rules of Life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu6EfnsgVUk) was picked up by Catherine Bailey Productions who helped me develop it further with a view to taking it somewhere. During this process she's encouraged me to write more stuff which is what I am trying to do. So I am very much a learner and I doubt I'll get anywhere but just didn't want you to think I've never read a book on how to write sitcoms and was some sort of sitcom virgin!

Fair play. Presumably you can take this to Catherine Bailey and get a take? Good luck with it as you seem keen to concentrate on this particular idea. Dialogue-wise it's a bit on the nose for me, but like I say best of luck with it.

Thanks Marc. Yes ideally I just want to take her decent stuff to read otherwise she'll soon get bored of reading my stuff. I'm still not totally sold on this idea either that's why I wanted to write a couple of scenes and see if it works or not.

I also quite like another idea that centres around some interns competing for a job at a startup/modern type of company and am trying to develop that a little. Again, not sure if it is strong enough.

Appreciate your feedback Marc, thanks for taking the time.

No worries Steve. Look at the legs for your sitcom idea. In the second it's an arcing story which doesn't give legs. Keep it simple and think sitcom and the status quo basic engine.

I have to agree with the others that the scene was a bit repetitive with the same structure of the doctor saying something and the patient making a joke, it could do with being shorter or mixing the scene up a bit.

However I think the premise is a good one. I can see some funny scenes e.g. trying to hide the cancer from his family, telling a mate about the cancer and having the same 'but men don't have breasts' convo, or going to a cancer support group and lying about which cancer he has to impress people.

I think it can be different to more recent sitcoms and opens the door for a couple of dramatic scenes and if you add some funny/interesting secondary characters in to it, it could be very good.

I'm only a new comedian and have only done stand up and not written sitcoms so I'd understand if you don't take in my feedback but thought I'd put my thoughts across.

Hi Dave, thanks very much for the feedback - it's much appreciated. I have rewritten the scene (see below), although I have taken Marc's advice and am writing something a bit more traditionally 'sitcom'. So this has gone on the back burner. Anyway, here is the updated scene if interested:

DOCTOR
Thanks for coming back into see me

TIM
No worries.

DOCTOR
We now now what is causing your irritation around your breast. There's no easy way to say this Tim but you've got breast cancer.

TIM
Breast cancer?

DOCTOR
Yes but..

TIM
Breast cancer? But I'm a man. I don't have breasts.

BEAT

TIM
Breast cancer?

DOCTOR
You have got breasts Tim.

TIM
Moobs maybe but Ive hardly got double G's doc. Breast cancer?

DOCTOR
No, every man has breast tissue and unfortunately that is where the cancer has struck. The good news is that it is treatable but we must begin treatment right away.

TIM
Not sure if that is good news.
(MOCKING VOICE)
"Oi Tim, got some good news for you here mate, you're a freak and you've got cancer of the tit that will probably kill you."

DOCTOR
I can appreciate this has come as a surprise and is upsetting but you're in no way a freak, 350 men get it each year.

TIM
Oh brilliant, well I'll set up some sort of special club then. Anyone with nipples isn't allowed in.

DOCTOR
Go home, talk it through with your family - cancer is a disease which requires a huge support network. We will start your treatment tomorrow. We're very hopeful chemotheorpy will work.

TIM
I'm not telling my family about this.

DOCTOR
You shouldn't feel embarassed Tim.

TIM
Should I feel proud then doc?

DOCTOR
I meant..

TIM
(Interupts)
Oh man what about my wedding?

DOCTOR
You should involve your fiance, she can help you. You can't do this alone.

TIM
She cried yesterday because I said I didn't like the centerpieces. You reckon she'll take this in her stride?

DOCTOR
Tim, do you know what chemo does to the body?

TIM
Gives you the Sinead O'Connor look?

DOCTOR
Tim I know what you're doing. You'll more than likely suffer from nosebleeds, you'll be fatigued, you'll lose your hair, you'll suffer sickness, dirreihah as well as constipation.

TIM
No doc, please tell the truth, don't hold back.

DOCTOR
Tim please.

TIM
What do you want from me?

DOCTOR
You need to take this seriously.

TIM
You've just told me I have cancer. You think I'm not taking this seriously?

TIM
(crying)
Course I'm taking this f**king seriously.

DOCTOR
I'm sorry. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. That is why I think you need to involve your family.

TIM (still crying)
But if I get through it and come out the other side then why hurt her? She will absolutely fall apart.

DOCTOR
I hate to be the prophet of doom Tim but what happens if you don't come through the other side.

TIM
You're no Tony Robbins are you?!

DOCTOR
Tim..

TIM
Yes, yes I know. It's a risk but it's a risk I'm willing to take. She's gone through too much recently to be faced with this as well.

DOCTOR
Ok. Well you need help.

TIM
What do you mean?

DOCTOR
Let me set you up with someone.

TIM
You running some sort of niche dating site doc?

DOCTOR
Tim, please. Stop with the jokes. I will set you up with a counsellor here who you can talk through your worries with. He's a great man, and he'll be of great help.

BEAT
For now, go home. Try and take it in and at least talk it through with a friend Tim.

TIM
That it?

DOCTOR
For now, yes. Here are details of your upcoming appointments. You'll see me again as well before they begin.

TIM
Chemo and making wedding favours on the same day.
BEAT
Christ.

I think the concept is a good one, but it's subject matter which needs attacking with a lot of subtlety and realism even though it's comedy.

The second draft is a marked improvement on the first, but it still suffers from a severe lack of both.

The impending wedding, for example, presumably a pivotal plot point of the entire series, deserves a much heavier hitting introduction than the expository "what about my wedding?" line. (I'd think there's a lot more potential for comedy as well as mawkish sentimentality in actually *showing* a scene where Tim, desperately trying to avoid confronting reality, fights his unknowing fiance over trivialities like wedding centrepieces)

The first scene needs to be shorter, or funnier, or more emotionally resonant... or something other than a checklist of things Tim has to consider being raised by a fairly blunt but not-in-a-funny-way doctor.

FWIW I actually think the way to go here would be ending Scene 1 on the best line (the nipples one) ... segueing into a scene involving a miserable Tim *privately rehearsing* how to break the news which can be much more darkly funny than similar lines with the doctor... and then cutting into a Tim trying to hold it together in a wedding prep scene which is the first time weddings get mentioned)

If it wasn't for the fact that you'd written some very good stuff and got it filmed before (which is far more than most of us have managed) I'd say a sitcom on such an incredibly hard subject might be a step too far, but I reckon it's probably worth keeping the back burner on because it is a concept that has the potential to be outstanding after enough rewrites.