Dust Jacket Required

Afternoon

Thought I might throw something up here, and see whether anyone had any comments. A few years ago I wrote an audio sit com with a friend of mine. It's about a book collector, and is called Dust Jacket Required. We wrote more than one episode at a time, because this seemed ot be the best way of approaching it, because we'd just meet once a week and swap a few pages (it was hardly the most high-octane writing project ever carried out!). I wasn't sure whether to show you episode 1 or what might have been episode 4 - I think the latter is probably far better, but would require a bit of explanation to understand the situation and a few of the gags - but in the end, I went for 1, not least because it's the one we bothered to format neatly.

So, here you go. There are a couple of problems I see now, and a bunch more we identified at the time, but I won't mention them yet, as I don't want to be too leading asking for opinions. Feel to say say whatever comes to mind, or not, as the case may be.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/230798510/DJR1

(Have I done this right, can you all see it online without any faffing? I don't really have any clue about doc hosting, I have to admit)

I've read 12 pages so far and have really enjoyed it. Some smashing lines.

"Holy Roman Empire, you're right! That's another mark in the tally of incompetence. Brightwell & Baldwin estate agents have been a disaster."

For some reason that really cracked me up, chuckled for a while.

I'll read the rest of this later I think. Can't offer much criticism really, but I can definitely say that I enjoyed reading this up to where I've read so far.

Quote: Scartledge @ 22nd June 2014, 3:39 PM BST

I've read 12 pages so far and have really enjoyed it. Some smashing lines.

"Holy Roman Empire, you're right! That's another mark in the tally of incompetence. Brightwell & Baldwin estate agents have been a disaster."

For some reason that really cracked me up, chuckled for a while.

I'll read the rest of this later I think. Can't offer much criticism really, but I can definitely say that I enjoyed reading this up to where I've read so far.

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I appreciate you reading as many as 12 pages so swiftly, and very pleased that you might go back for more (never imagined anyone would read all of it, we're all busy people, I'm sure). Interesting that you liked that line specifically - we had a bit of fun coming up with high culture versions of Robin's "Holy [noun]!" trope: other epiosodes would feature "Holy minimalism!" and "Holy sonnets!", IIRC.

You don't seem to have quite made up your mind if it to be a radio program or a TV sitcom. In the scene descriptions at start of scenes you have described visual things, which would be invisible to a radio audience.

For a radio script if you want to set the manner in which the actors will deliver the dialogue I suspect that you should do that in a synopsis that precedes the script itself. Where you have written those visual paragraphs, replace them by something said in the dialogue and/or chosen sound effects or music.

You're bang on, that's one of the things that struck me when coming back to this, Bill. I think that there's enough info from the lines and FX for a listener to understand everything that's happening, so I hope it's not a huge issue, but there's certainly some wasted ink there, telling us the location of each scene when there's absolutely no need.

Plus the intros to the 2 main characters, with notes on their delivery/background, probably belong in an attached sumamry, rather than the script (if at all, that is).

Cheers.

I read to about page 15 and will pop back to read the rest as I really enjoyed it. First of all I think the two main characters are soundly built.
I like the idea of an obsessive book collector, he had an other worldly feel to him and that contrasted well with the Milly character who is more in the moment.

I had a sense they would team up and it reminded me of Sherlock and Watson for some reason!

Lots of detail in the prose, possibly too much, but given the main character's 'character', this could be just right after all. The opening bit about the moon diaries had a lovely funniness to it and lifted it off nicely and gave the tone.

A bit vague on the boss, I didn't get any sense of character really from him except for him being a typical grouchy slave driver type.

The reporter was a nice bit of light relief and I think he could be weaved in even more.

Great writing style Gappy and I think you have an original slant of thinking, this strikes me as one of those fringe sitcoms, may not be mainstream enough or not everyone will 'get it' but it I could see it sneaking in somewhere if given half a chance.

It's certainly fringe, to say the least, you're right - not every sit com will contain parodies of Frazer's "The Golden Bough"!

You're dead right that the boss and financial advisor don't really do anything, they're just there to set things off (I now know that the rule is "don't start with a peripheral or nonce character", something this site has taught me, but perhaps in radio it's acceptable, where it has no effect on budget..?).

Essentially, we were trying to introduce the 2 characters and set up the situation. I think we essentially did that, and managed to keep it quite snappy, but if you read 15 pages, to my mind you read roughly up until the bit where it starts to get good. It's so hard to set things up neatly *and* be funny, isn't it?

It all gets a bit more unusual from hereon, Shandonbelle, so if you do find the time/inclination to return, I'd be interested to hear what you thought. I think the USP, if I may use such a horrible term, is the extracts from the relevant book that would pop in each episode, roughly at act breaks.

Thanks for reading

Ah, read the rest and it does get a bit more unusual! Not sure I hooked into the 'back of shop' scene (not to spoil it for anyone else) so much as to me it didn't seem to blend, went a bit too surreal but it depends on what the other episodes bring, how it all fits together.

Still think the relationship between the two leads is the strong point here, and it reads very nicely, I do like the excerpts from the book as well.

Now that I've read it all I could imagine it working as a stage play first and foremost..it's got that theatrical feel and I think an audience would enjoy it live.

You've hot the nail on the head, there, Shandonbelle - the 2 halves (or 1st 3rd, and remainder, perhaps), don't quite match. I prefer the second part, and you the first, but I think crucially the tone isn't consistent.

What did you think about the letter? We thought this didn't really fit the ambience of the rest of the show, which is quite light-hearted, silly and full of wordy literate refs...but yet it just cracked us up, so we never quite got round to taking it out.

Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 8:01 PM BST

It's certainly fringe, to say the least, you're right - not every sit com will contain parodies of Frazer's "The Golden Bough"!

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You've never seen the episode of Rising Damp when Philip tries to castrate Rigsby with a golden sickle?

Quote: beaky @ 22nd June 2014, 9:38 PM BST

You've never seen the episode of Rising Damp when Philip tries to castrate Rigsby with a golden sickle?

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Wasn't that a hastily cancelled Asterix plot?

Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 9:13 PM BST

What did you think about the letter? We thought this didn't really fit the ambience of the rest of the show, which is quite light-hearted, silly and full of wordy literate refs...but yet it just cracked us up, so we never quite got round to taking it out.

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Whereabouts is it again?

Just before they go to the shop, and immediately before the 1st extract - p 18 or so, from the top of my head?

It's kind of a near the knuckle joke (not Sadowitz or owt, but a smidgen out of place). If you didn't notice, it's probably not a big deal.

What I read is funny, with strong characters. but you seem to be running at the jokes rather than letting them develop more naturally

for example the moon joke is great but its the first thing

and bills right its hard to tell at times if its visual or audio

Yeah, but it's telling us about Montague so you get away with it...just