Who is the forum's worst poet?

I know I have some critics about my poetry and limericks , as do others one here , so lets see once and for all who is the worst poet on the comedy forums . post your best/worst/irrelevant verses and see who gets the crown .

heres a few of mine , which some may have seen but not the recent new poets to the site.

there once was a girl called anne
she was my number one fan
but I got a shock
when I felt her cock
and realised that anne was a man

I am the limerick king
five liners are my thing
if you think you can best me
then please come and test me
or go shove a frog up your ring

there was a young lad called wayne
who caused the lasses some pain
his thirteen inch dick
was not only thick
it had also a varicose vein

roses are blue
violets are red
this acid I dropped
has fxcked up my head

I know there are poets out there
who thinks my stuff may bore 'em
but have a closer look chaps
aint this is a comedy forum?

this site has many critics
whose remarks they may be blunt
but marcs not really an ogre
and gappys not always a meanie.

I think there's a Limericks thread
Which I'll give you a link to instead
It may not be funny
But I'll bet you some money
There's nobody on there called Fred

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/4807#P91013

well steve the idea was great
but really it made me irate
I looked at the thread
but the damn thing is dead
the last post was in two thousand eight.

Well it's great to have another place,
where people can laugh in my face,
they say all the time,
that I can not rhyme,
But one day I'll prove you all wrong and then you will be sorry I'm telling you! Slime!

ODE TO YOUNG MALE ROCK STAR

Your slide down the vine has been heavily publicised;
So sad when one's dog days turn out to be puppy-sized.

I did this one a couple of times a few years ago, in some of my incredibly infrequent trips to the stage, and it went quite well. Takes the piss out of a particular demi-monde. (NB at least 2 out-dated references ) :

I have got a lifesized poster of Yoda,
A Stylophone and a broken Vocoder.

I uncoil the secret musics of the soul-black raven night
And I once performed the soundtrack to a techo-pagan rite.

My girl got the motor, she's a self-possessing mammal,
Spent the whole fin de siecle with the old Fantasy Channel

She lures little boys at bus-stops deep down to her inner sanctum
And I then archive the footage that I make of how she wanked 'em.

I'm a dark style magus scholar of the bygone gnomic nations
Found a septocentric bias in the book of Revelations.

You'll find me in the space twixt whicker men and cricifictions,
Either selling souls at Whitsuntide, or nicking stuff from Dixons.

v nice sooty , and a couple of those lines would have gone down well in a rap battle , especially the pagan rite line

Cheers, Slarnder.

Quick note though: I'm not Sooty*.

*This chat-up line always works.

Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 8:07 PM BST

Cheers, Slarnder.

Quick note though: I'm not Sooty*.

*This chat-up line always works.

View original

Yeh yeh exploit my refusal to date myself why dontcha?

sorry gappy ,my bad . and my bad for using the expression my bad . I know who I meant to type - but my fingers didn't get the message somehere along the line..

Once upon a time in a pattern on a wall

There grew a room the size of a hall

The pattern expanded and became a town

But the king who ruled it had lost his crown

His wife the queen was very sad

She hated this pattern that drove the king mad

So she summoned a jester to make the king laugh

But he only knew one paragraph

The queen told the jester that he was a hoax

And sent him away to learn some more jokes

He came back the next day with a new routine

The king roared with laughter, and so did the queen

But the king was still sad without his crown

And eventually he had a mental breakdown

The jester was banished, and the queen became sick

And now the pattern is covered with brick.

thats really rather good to my tin ears

Thanks sooty, bless your tin ears

Don't worry, Slarnder, I do that sort of thing all the time. I also forgot to say I liked your Roses/violets twist. I have one that goes

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Not all roses are red,
Life is f**king confusing

Carlos, your piece is really evocative, and reminds me of Amelia's wall on Dr Who. Some nice rhymes, too, nothing too obvious (although I don't think "breakdown" works, because you pronounce it BREAKdown not breakDOWN, which is what the metre demands).

Thanks Gappy, roses are confusing as well.

I am not good with the laws of poetry though I do like to make rhymes up and should really take more notice of how they are constructed because I enjoy writing them but I can see there is always something not quite right in the make up.