Well they are both 21 yr old Americans. I think.
Joke vs Funny Story in a Routine Page 2
Quote: Marc P @ 20th June 2014, 6:03 PM BSTWell they are both 21 yr old Americans. I think.
Keep repeating that and yewtree might buy it
Quote: Marc P @ 20th June 2014, 6:03 PM BSTWell they are both 21 yr old Americans. I think.
Why wait until they're 21? Get them just a few hours past 18 and UK law is on your side.
Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 20th June 2014, 2:58 PM BSTIn the spirit of Anglo-American amity,
If I close my eyes and read yours out loud, I'd swear I just channeled Bob Haskins. 
There's some good stuff in there though and I'll let it settle into my brain for a bit. Thank you. 
I walked into the 7/11 at around one in the morning.
"Sir, can I get a hot dog please?"
The clerk asked me, "Should I see a doctor about my chest pains?"
Oh, crap. I'm alone in the store with a clerk about to have a heart attack. What if he dies... after I've paid for my hot dog?
"Yes, sir, you shouldn't definitely see a doctor. You know what, I'm going to call him for you. No, no, I insist. While I'm doing that I'm going to get a Big Gulp. No, listen, chest pains could be a sign of a serious condition and I'm not going to take chances with your life. While I'm filling up the XXXXL jug full of Mountain Dew, why don't you go ahead and throw some cheese on those nachos and pop that in the microwave, while I'm calling your ambulance. And I'll take a couple chimichangas while you're at it."
The clerk interrupted me, "No, no, I'm just having chest pains. Could it be stress?"
Jeezus, he's just a creepy clerk with no sense of boundaries now.
"Look I'm a cart jockey at second rate retail outlet, I'm not qualified to help you here. I just want the hot dog now."
Its what is called a jokoid still. You have the material or the basis of an idea to formulate something with, but it hasn't really been fully fashioned. As it is you are spinning out one gag - one that once you have made it doesn't go anywhere. Think three acts, think of a three or five panel cartoon strip if that helps. So if it is to be a story, make it a story.
My brain has been in stall over the last couple months. This is the best I could come up with at the moment.
It's not bad it just needs a punchline to pull it together.
Quote: NateSean @ 27th August 2014, 10:02 AM BSTMy brain has been in stall over the last couple months. This is the best I could come up with at the moment.
Bin it and move on
Hey Notorious whats the etiqutte if I murder a prostitute at the Queens garden party
Quote: Marc P @ 27th August 2014, 10:27 AM BSTBin it and move on
Righto
Quote: NateSean @ 27th August 2014, 9:24 AM BSTI walked into the 7/11 at around one in the morning.
"Sir, can I get a hot dog please?"
The clerk asked me, "Should I see a doctor about my chest pains?"
Oh, crap. I'm alone in the store with a clerk about to have a heart attack. What if he dies... after I've paid for my hot dog?
"Yes, sir, you shouldn't definitely see a doctor. You know what, I'm going to call him for you. No, no, I insist. While I'm doing that I'm going to get a Big Gulp. No, listen, chest pains could be a sign of a serious condition and I'm not going to take chances with your life. While I'm filling up the XXXXL jug full of Mountain Dew, why don't you go ahead and throw some cheese on those nachos and pop that in the microwave, while I'm calling your ambulance. And I'll take a couple chimichangas while you're at it."
The clerk interrupted me, "No, no, I'm just having chest pains. Could it be stress?"
Jeezus, he's just a creepy clerk with no sense of boundaries now.
"Look I'm a cart jockey at second rate retail outlet, I'm not qualified to help you here. I just want the hot dog now."
And then the door slams and a voice from the back of the store shouts,
[hold that hotdog bub hold it right there]
And I glance over my shoulder and there's this crazy looking dude with a pistol walking into the store. My first thought, this is a robbery I'm gonna die, the second atleast this awkward conversation is over.
The cashier reaches for the till and says
[It's ok pal this isn't my first time, I'll just put all the money in a hot dog bag]
Better not be my hotdog.
[I don't want your stinking money, what do you think I am a thief]
Crap I think is he a rapist with incredibly low standards
[I want your medical advice]
Shit
[So you customer what do I do about premature ejaculation]
Like I say bin it and move on.
I don't think that's helpfull advice Notorious.
There's a good strong story in there it just needs a conclusion. And the sarcastic edge would have more authority if you posted your own work.
I've posted plenty of work. And no sarcasm at all. If he can't get it working after months on a small piece forget about it and move on. This is good advice. I would have thought you knew a thing about working to a deadline even one's own. I believe should you care to look I gave a more detailed way of dealing with it when he first posted. I claim no authority just tough love.
And it doesn't just need a good conclusion it needs a middle a beginning and an end. Like I say crafted into a story beyond the one juxtapositional
gag.
I dunno I just sold 2 pieces to 2 different clients one was 2 years old, one was 3 years old.
And no I haven't started working as a child slaver.
Sometimes the heart of the story is there.
[nb I thought you were dissing my reedit]
As it is Nate my advice is step out of the real abit more. You're standup stories are too locked in what actually happened.
A good standup can create an hour long rant about sour milk in his tea. A poor one will struggle to fill 2 minutes on delivering drugs to Elvis Presley's and Jim Morrison's hideaway.
By bin it I meant bin it for now. I have drawers full of bits I show now and again!
Ok, here goes,
If that was told as a stand up story and I was listening, as long as the delivery was good I would laugh, and find it interesting, its real enough to enjoy, without it needing to be side splitting,
I think sooty's addition was very good, although it drove it away from the realism a bit to much, it still made me laugh,
However if you can take your part, take the essence of what sooty was saying and add more to the story it could be great,
Now I would never claim to be better at this then you and sooty so please understand it just an idea, but this is what I would do with it.
I'm thinking something like this?
"Sir, can I get a hot dog please?"
The clerk asked me, "Should I see a doctor about my chest pains?"
Oh, crap. I'm alone in the store with a clerk about to have a heart attack. What if he dies... after I've paid for my hot dog? Am I allowed to just take it?
"Yes, you shouldn't definitely see a doctor. You know what, I'm going to call him for you now. No, listen, chest pains could be a sign of a serious condition and I'm not going to take chances with your life. I'll just fill up this XXXXL jug full of Mountain Dew first, then I'm calling your ambulance. And I'll take a couple chimichangas while you're at it."
The clerk interrupted me, "No, no, I'm just having chest pains. Could it be stress?"
Jeezus, There was I thinking this guy is about to collapse and die on me and it turns out he's just a creepy clerk with no sense of boundaries!
Then a voice from behind me says,
[Erm Excuse me]
where the hell did he come from?
[I've had terrible trouble breathing recently, do you think my bronchitis might have got worse?]
"Erm? I'm not sure" I say trying to distance myself whilst thinking why did I decide to get a Hotdog?
[well your the doctor!] I can't believe it, this man is now getting angry because I'm refusing to give medical advice to a complete stranger in a 7/11 at 1am.
Now It's at this point I think to myself, maybe I should explain to these two very strange men that I just want my hotdog! that I'm not a Doctor I'm just a cart jockey at a second rate retail outlet, and there is no way I'm qualified to help either of them.
But this weirdo behind me is now starting to look truly menacing, and I'm also thinking if I don't answer his questions he could turn ugly! well, angry, he'd already turned ugly!
And just as I'm beginning to panic, I here "You're Hotdog Sir!"
So I grab the hotdog and run outside, I run straight across the road and up the hill to the top of my road without stopping, now I'm outside my home and slightly out of breath so I rest on the wall for a minute, and my neighbour, who is standing in the doorway goes "So What do you think I should do about premature ejaculation?"