So here's an extract I wrote for a client who wanted to see what their ideas looked like written up as a test sitcom script.
It's set in a posh gym and it's not the Brittas Empire
Episode 1 (All together in the Altogether!)
SCENE1 THE GYM MAIN FITNESS SUITE
MARIS IS ON A RUNNING MACHINE AND IS CLEARLY OUT OF PUFF AS SHE IS RUNNING AND SIPPING FROM THE STRAW OF A DRINK ON THE RUNNING MACHINE
TOM AND MARTA ARE WATCHING FROM A CORNER
ON THE WALLS THE PLASMA SCREENS ARE SHOWING BBC 24, IT'S AN EPISODE OF SOAP OPERA Cockneys.
BERNADETTA IS IN IT, DRESSED AS A BLOUSY COCKNEY LAND LADY IN HER 80S, IT PLAYS SILENTLY.
MARTA
How long has she been going?
TOM
About an hour sweetie... poor thing
MARTA
Why doesn't she just turn off the machine?
TOM
She can't, it's a new program; it's linked to the electronic menu at the restaurant. If you order a whole egg instead of white egg omelet you're there until you've lost 300 calories, which is a little bit harder if you've got 0% body fat.
MARTA
That would explain the milkshake. Shame there's no popcorn.
TOM
There aren't a lot of calories in them?
MARTA
Not what I meant; for me this is the best show since the cat gave birth, posh cow.
SONIA WALKS IN IN A DOWDY OUTFIT AND A BIG JACKET, DOESN'T NOTICE TOM OR MARTA, UNZIPS HER COAT AS SHE IS ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE CHANGING ROOM, REVEALING SHE IS WEARING A SUBWAY UNIFORM.
TOM
Hello stranger, moonlighting as a sous chef?
SONIA
Erm no it's my football team, they're sponsored by Subway and this is their warm up kit.
MARTA
They're paying so much sponsorship they play in Subway uniforms?
SONIA
Erm yes this is true, Dynamo Vladivostock, great team but very, very poor. They are called the sandwich makers, our football chant is "We're going to win, do you want pickles with that?"
MARIS
Um, excuse me? If it's not too much trouble, could somebody help me, only I think I might be about to die.
TOM
Oh you're fine darling, it resets automatically in an hour.
SONIA
No she's not, look
TOM, MARTA, SONIA ALL GAZE AT THE RUNNING MACHINE ON THE HANDLE IS A BIG RED TOWEL WITH A 'B' ON IT
TOM
Lady B's booked it.
SONIA
Oh this is bad, the last time someone borrowed one of her machines-
MARTA
-They got £5,000 worth of free plastic surgery on their face and all their weaves pulled out, disgraceful.
TOM
Along with the original hair.
TOM'S WALKIE-TALKIE BUZZES
TOM ANSWERS IT
TOM
It's a code B.
MARIS
What are you darlings talking about? Only I would sort of appreciate being helped. I mean I pay a lot of money for this gym and I think even V gyms include not dying in their services.
CUT TO BERNADETTA IMPERIOUSLY WALKING IN THE FRONT OF THE GYM, DESK STAFF ETC SEEM TO PULL AWAY FROM HER.
TOM
I've got a plan...
SONIA, TOM, MARTA HUDDLE DOWN AND WHISPER TOGETHER AS IF PLANNING A SPORTS MOVE.
SCENE1.1
BERNADETTE IS IN THE CORRIDOR JUST OUTSIDE THE EXERCISE HALL. MARTA IS MOPPING THE FLOOR: EACH TIME BERNADETTA TRYS TO GET PAST SHE MOPS THAT SPOT, EACH TIME SHE MOPS SHE SAYS SOMETHING TO BERNADETTE WHO LOOKS INCREASINGLY FURIOUS
MARTA
So how's the show going? Ooh I cried when you got barred from your own pub... you're just like an ordinary person.
SCENE 1.2
BACK IN THE GYM SONIA AND TOM ARE ON EITHER SIDE OF MARRIS'S RUNNING MACHINE
TOM
Right, shoes untied.
SONIA
Check
TOM
3, 2
SONIA
1
TOM AND SONIA PUT THEIR HANDS DOWN ON MARRIS'S TRAINERS TOGETHER
MARIS FALLS OFF THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE
TOM
Darling, honey, are you ok?
MARIS
I can't see; it's all gone black.
TOM
Did you hit your head?
SONIA
Oh my, is she blinded? What have we done Tom?
SONIA IS HOLDING UP MARRIS'S BROKEN SUNGLASSES, TOM LOOKS AND SEE'S THAT MARRIS IS COVERING HER EYES WITH HER HANDS.
SONIA
What is that, did we squish her brains?
SONIA IS BEING COVERED IN A NASTY STICKY MESS, SHE LOOKS UP AND SEES IT IS THE REMAINS OF MARRIS'S MILKSHAKE WHICH BERNADETTA IS SQUEEZING IN HER FIST.
BERNADETTA
My machine.
SCENE 2
MARIS AND GENEVIEVE ARE ON EXERCISE BIKES, GENEVIEVE IS ON ONE OF THOSE AUTOMATIC ONES AND WOULD SEEM TO BE STRAPPED IN PLACE WHILST THE MACHINE RUNS WITHOUT HER INPUT.
MARRIS'S HEAD IS COVERED IN THICK BANDAGES.
DINA WALKS IN
DINA
Maris darling what ever happened to you, you look like the bride of the mummy.
MARIS
Hello Dina darling, I had a most awful fracture this morning at the gym, but I couldn't let it get in the way of my routine.
DINA
An accident at the gym? But you should be seeing a doctor and a lawyer if you're fractured
MARIS
Oh nothing important, just my sunglasses, Antoine is couriering some in as we speak. Would you believe someone tried to arrest him for using the emergency lane?
DINA
Don't these people know what an emergency is, it must be awful, if those bandages slipped; your crow's feet...
MARIS
Thank you sweetie.
DINA
The pleasure is all mine.
MARIS
How's the step daughter doing, little Ping Yong isn't it?
DINA GOES TO SAY SOMETHING, SHUTS UP AND STARES AHEAD.
SONIA WALKS IN FROM THE CHANGING ROOM IN A SPANGLY TOP AND GYM SHORTS, THE TOP READS 'Classy Lassies'.
DINA
Is that what people are wearing to the gym these days? This place really needs a dress code.
SONIA
Sorry, I didn't get a chance to change from work, I mean, I changed from one job but not the other, I mean; I'll change
DINA
Quite, dressing that cheaply, who do you think you are? The Prime Minister?
SONIA SCURRIES OFF QUICKLY TOWARDS THE CHANGING ROOMS
TOM WALKS IN
TOM
Hello Sonia, are the ugly sisters picking on you again?
MARIS
How dare you, I should have you fired.
TOM
You can't, I saved your life this morning.
MARIS
But not my sunglasses
DINA
And you didn't save my life at all.
TOM DOES A RIDICULOUS MALE SUPER MODEL POSE
TOM
I just did.
DINA
If you weren't so pretty you'd be in so much trouble.
TOM
Good thing I am so pretty.
SONIA AND TOM HEAD TOWARDS THE CHANGING ROOMS
TOM
Allow me to accompany my fair lady.
SONIA
How do you always win them over?
TOM
I watched Zoolander a thousand times- my Blue Steel is now Blue Platinum.
SONIA
You are Derek Zoolander, just not as smart.
TOM
Hey I am too pretty.
SONIA
I said not as smart.
TOM
Oh that's ok then.
GENEVIEVE SUDDENLY SEEMS TO WAKE UP AND LOOKS AROUND IN PANIC. GEORGETTE STORMS IN
GENEVIEVE
Help! Help! Someone's tied me to a pony and I've forgotten how to play polo!
TOM
Duty calls!
GEORGETTE
I have it girly man.
GEORGETTE GRABS THE FRONT OF THE EXERCISE BIKE AS IF WRSTLING A BULL
TOM
I wanted to be hero
GEORGETTE
Not today.
GEORGETTE WRESTLES THE BIKE UNTIL IT STOPS RUNNING AND SMOKE FLYS OUT
SCENE 3
THE CHANGING ROOMS: SONIA IS ADJUSTING HER GYM CLOTHES. SHE IS STANDING BY HER LOCKER WHICH IS NEATLY DIVIDED INTO CLOTHES, FILES FOR HER COURSE AND A CAT CARRYING CASE: IT IS AS IF SHE LIVES OUT OF IT
DINA
I say Sonia!
SONIA TURNS AND SEES DINA STANDING WITH HER BODY CONCEALED BY LOCKER DOORS- AS SHE SPEAKS TO VARIOUS OTHER GYM MEMBERS THEY CLOSE THE LOCKER DOORS, GIVING THE IMPRESSION THAT SOON SHE WILL BE STANDING NAKED IN FRONT OF SONIA
.
SONIA
Hello Dina, I'm just getting ready for a yoga class.
DINA
Yes you do really get into them, don't you? Last time you were there you were snoring, not very lady-like.
SOIA GIVES AN ENORMOUS YAWN
SONIA
Yes they are just so relaxing, I feel like I'm having a refreshing nap after working 2 jobs.
DINA
What a funny thing to say.
SONIA
Hilarious.
THE LAST LOCKER IN FRONT OF DINA SLAMS SHUT AND A TOWEL SUDDENLY APPEARS IN FRONT OF HER JUST AS SONIA COVERS HER EYES, THE TOWEL HAS BEEN HANDED OVER BY SAMANTHA, THE NEATLY DRESSED SPA MANAGER
SAMANTHA
Hello sweeties now Dina we have had a chat about locker room etiquette. That and about someone blocking up the drains, whilst depilating, apparently we've got a council busy body coming to inspect our drains.
DINA QUIELTY DROPS A CAN OF VEET SHE WAS HOLDING AND KICKS IT UNDER A BENCH
DINA
Oh it's you Samantha, this is the changing room, where I hang out and...
SAMANTHA
Let it all hang out, not that it's the ladies changing room anymore.
DINA
Oh what is it then? The towel store? A bargain sportswear store or just where Julius keeps his donuts?
SAMANTHA
Oh you're so funny Dina you should be on the stage, no it's still a changing room...
JULIUS THE SWARTHY, BALDING, MANAGER WALKS IN. THERE ARE ASSORTED SCREAMS AND DINA QUICKLY WRAPS THE TOWEL AROUND HERSELF.
SONIA
Julius what are you doing here? I always knew you were a perv but this is most blatant!
JULIUS
As Samantha said this is now the mixed changing room.
SONIA
Why weren't we consulted about this?
DINA
It's an outrage! I'd get my lawyer onto you!
SONIA
If your ex-husband hadn't got her pregnant and she was handling your divorce.
DINA
Shut up you.
SAMANTHA
Now ladies did you read your last newsletter?
JULIUS
It was at the very end page 98 after my 70 page article on colon health.
DINA
Oh whatever next? I suppose you're going to film us and sell the DVDs to adult bookstores?
SAMANTHA
Oh nothing that tacky sweetie, this is a sophisticated establishment.
JULIUS
Channel 5 are going to do an all-access documentary on us, they're visiting us on Friday.
DINA
You won't get away with this, we'll fight you, we are women, we are proud.
SONIA
We are terribly spoiled.
JULIUS
Actually now the changing rooms are mixed, why don't I get changed.
JULIUA BEGINS TO UNDO HIS TROUSERS- ROOM DESCENDS INTO CHAOS AS SCREAMING WOMEN FLEE.
SCENE 4
MARRIS, SONIA and DINA, E ARE IN THE RESTAURANT 'Le Petit Repas'.
DINA
Right ladies I think we all know why we are here today?
GENEVIEVE
It's somebodies birthday? Happy birthday to, happy birthday-
DINA
-Oh do shut up it's something much more important than that.
GENEVIEVE
It's my birthday? Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, everyone join in. Oh I've got all dizzy.
GENEVIEVE CRASHES FACE FORWARD ONTO THE TABLE, DINA WHISKS HER PLATE AWAY AND MARRIS CUSHIONS HER HEAD WITH A NAPKIN. THIS LOOKS VERY PRACTISED.
SONIA POPS A SMALL MAKE UP MIRROR UNDER E'S NOSE