FANCY A CHANGE

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

A MAN (GEOFF) IS WASHING UP A FRYING PAN WHEN HE HEARS THE DOORBELL RING.
HE PLACES THE PAN ON THE WORKTOP AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR IS A
SMARTLY DRESSED MAN. HE IS HOLDING A CLIPBOARD. THE GEOFF GROANS.

SALESMAN
Hello, I'm hoping you might be able to spare me a few minutes of my time, I am acting on behalf of Ungulates ltd.

GEOFF
I am very happy with my Gas thanks mate...

SALESMAN
ah....

GEOFF
and my Electric

SALESMAN
Well....

GEOFF
and my Phone

SALESMAN
I can understand that but...

GEOFF
and my mortgage is top notch.

SALESMAN
Ah but what about your species.

GEOFF
Yes, I am... hang on did you say species...

SALESMAN
That's right, if you will permit me a few questions. <PAUSE> Are you married?

GEOFF
Yep

SALESMAN
Children?

GEOFF
3

SALESMAN
Like a Whelk?

GEOFF
I'm sorry?

SALESMAN
Do you like a whelk?

GEOFF
Yer, I guess

SALESMAN
Excellent, bare with me a moment.

THE SALESMAN DOES SOME BRIEF CALCULATIONS.

SALESMAN
Well I can tell you, with just the basic information you've given me today, if you were to become a Zebra you could save in excess of £12 a month.

GEOFF
I can't just become a zebra.

SALESMAN
Since they relaxed the entry qualifications earlier this year, there is only minimal paperwork. and the surgery is relatively simple.

GEOFF
Surgery?

SALESMAN
And we currently have an offer on buy 2 hooves get 2 hooves free, so only £12.99 for the lot.

GEOFF
I'm not really sure..

SALESMAN
Also as you will be upgrading your endangerment level, you could be entitled to several subsides.

GEOFF
Like

SALESMAN
20% discount on humbugs, immunity from umbrella tax..

GEOFF
No I'm not really sure it's me. Thanks anyway.

SALESMAN
Well if your sure.

THE MAN SHUTS THE DOOR. WE CUT TO A SHOT OF THE SALESMAN WALKING AWAY FROM THE DOOR, HE APPROACHES A CAR AND GETS INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT.

VOICE (OFF CAMERA)
Any Joy?

SALESMAN SIGHS.

SALESMAN
Nah!

VOICE (OFF CAMERA)
Bugger!

WE PAN TO REVEAL A MAN DRESSED AS A BENGAL TIGER, LICKING HIS LIPS.

TIGER
Shall we try number 56?

This one surprised me - didn't expect it to go where it did, which was very nice. I would prefer getting there quicker and more succintly, though.

A bit Pythonesque, in a good way, especially if it is tightened up.

Very good!

Ha ha, nice. Don't you have to spend a year as a Zebra before you get the surgery though?

Just going through some of my back catalogue, seem to remember this was the first one I wrote after a prolonged sketch writing abscense.

Thanks for comments.

I liked the sketch and the twist aswell. I would have made it shorter and played it more seroius e.g. used real taxes instead of umbrella tax but thats all to do with subjective style. Nice sketch

I like the idea behind that one! Not sure it's exactly right yet though!

Daft and good! I liked it as it is. Never change the back catalogue else you'll end up messing with it for ever. Nice one!

Although this theme has been done many times over, you still put in nice touches like buy 2 hooves get 2 hooves free. Worth reading.

I like the hoof bit and the humbug/umbrella bit! very good imho!