Steve Whyley
Monday 2nd June 2014 11:51am [Edited]
121 posts
Here is an example of one of the posts that make up the book:
Status: Single
Wednesday 2nd May
Being single, hating work and having a loathing opinion of my friends has meant I have spent more time with my parents - Malcolm and Val. Until you grow up you don't realise how funny your parents are. I don't mean that they make stand up jokes, rather they just have such incredibly strange habits. Also, as technology advances, parents seem to get funnier with age. A case in point is when my dad attempts to become internet savvy.
Blog Post Title - Old people and the Internet
"What an age we live in" - one of the truly great phrases made by old people. This phrase is becoming more and more pertinent as old people join the 'Inter web'.
My dad is becoming a geek. It started with the simple purchase of an iPod. He couldn't understand the invention. "Where's the slot for your CD's?" he would ask. When I said you put all your music on to the computer and then download them all via iTunes to your iPod using your USB adapter he looked at me with a sense of panic that I don't think he's felt since the war. Suddenly our roles had reversed. He used to talk to me, when I was 4 years old, like I was a complete tool. "Ah clever boy. That's right. Fooootbal. Can you say it? Foootball". I was 4, course I could say it. I just didn't know how to say 'shut up you patronising idiot'. Now it was my turn. For all those years he held the upper hand, not now. I would enjoy this. It was like I was teaching him how to walk. He was about to join the technology revolution and I couldn't wait.
My dad doesn't seem to be able to grasp the word 'internet' - instead he calls everything 'the website'. He will talk to my mum (who is petrified of computers) and they'll be talking about holidays and suddenly he'll say the phrase 'let me pull it up on the website'. He is SO smug. Searching for holidays on 'the website' suddenly he thinks he is THE MAN. So he brings Val into the 'Computer Room'. The Computer Room - a very funny room in my parent's house. Old VHS's adorn the Desk, Malcolm praying they'll make a comeback. They also have their special 'Computer Room chairs'. These chairs are proof that the salesman business is still striving. My dad has invested maybe three to four hundred pounds in some ultimate swivel chair. He was clearly told by the shop assistant that he had to have this chair. Who was he to argue? He gets my mum lined up next to him and he gets out his instructions. His instructions that I have written for him. These instructions are patronising, and I love it. And I love the fact he still uses them; every single day.
1.Turn plug on.
2.Turn the power button on (big grey button in the middle of the computer).
3.Turn the monitor on (button on the big screen you see in front of you).
4.Click 'Dad' and type in your password (BigMalc) [why my dad has a password I will never know, but it was non negotiable].
5.You will see a set of icons appear on the screen. Double click the Internet Explorer icon (I didn't think he was ready fro Google Chrome).
6.Google will load
7.Type in the website you want (for example, if you want holidays, type in 'holidays' - no need for the apostrophes in the search)
8.Press 'ignore' on the MacAfee warning message that appears
9.Select the website you want
10.Navigate using the 'back' button.
These instructions are fine as far as they go but if something unexpected happens my phone will ring. If the MacAfee warning message comes earlier it will throw him. If a website popup appears that's as good as game over. My mum meanwhile sits there open mouthed amazed that her man has got her on to the world wide web.
So he has managed to turn on the computer, he's got used to launching a website. The obvious next step for my dad is to set up 'his Facebook'. This is superb.
We set aside some time and we create him an account. His profile picture is one of those classic 'family shots'. His bio is brief but obviously includes his working history. His likes include 'Neil Diamond'. I say to him he needs to add some friends for him to get anything out of Facebook. Suddenly my dad seems to have last his grasp of his English - I have to explain to him what a friend is. He is struggling to come to terms with the 'poking' feature of Facebook. It is also at this point my dad realises he has few friends - he adds me (Stan), Sophie (his daughter) and Pat - his neighbour. 3 friends. Not a great start. I say to him he should write a status. 25 minutes later he now understands the term Facebook status. His status is a classic Facebook, old man, virgin status. "This is my first time on here, be gentle". Such a nothing status. I chuck him a 'like' to boost his self esteem. He gets a little red notification and he almost shits the bed through excitement. "What's happening, what's happening" he says down the phone. I talk to him about being able to 'like' his friends statuses and comment on them as well. Before you know it he is all over my wall. My dad is addicted. He is 'liking' everything and appearing in conversations I just don't want him to appear in. He likes the photo of me licking the face of my friend Nigel. This is worrying, for so many reasons.
The time comes where I have to think about blocking my dad. It is just getting too much. I am trying to flirt with this hot girl via the book and I get my dad piping up - it's cramping my style.
What I do next is something I am not proud of.
I report him to Facebook. I report my own dad to Facebook for inappropriate behaviour. Unbelievably Facebook shut my dad's account down. He is devastated. "What about all my new friends" - he climbed into double figures before the closing of the account. My dad spends the next week moping before I get a call...
"I want to join Twitter"...
